A man wonders if his girlfriend’s newfound interest in vibrators is a reflection upon his ability to please her.
Originally appeared at She Said He Said.
Dear Sexes: My girlfriend has recently said she wanted to try a vibrator. It’s making me very insecure, as it feels like maybe I’m not doing everything for her that she wants. A few things have crossed my mind, but the main concern I’ve had is whether I’m “big” enough for her or not. I’ve never measured myself for an actual size, and she tells me I’m big, but I just don’t know. She certainly has pleasure with me, but I can’t keep from asking, is she thinking of replacing me?
She Said: So you’re out to dinner, you’ve had an amazing meal, maybe some incredible wine, you’re feeling great and so is your girl. Along comes the waiter with the dessert menu, asking, “Would you like some amazing whatever-you-love-cake-and-home-made-something-else-you-love-most-on-the-side?”
And you reply, “You know what? I’ve had enough good. No more good for me. I’m all set on good. More good might mean that the first good thing I ate just wasn’t good enough.”
No! You eat the frickin’ dessert! Because it’s delicious!
Give your girl the dessert, my friend. Feed it to her, bite by bite (if she wants) and watch her love every second of it and think to yourself, I was a part of all this goodness.
Just so you know, you’re not alone in feeling funny about the vibrator. Read here about another guy who felt the same as you, and the fun advice we gave him on how to get over it.
He Said: Hang on. I need a minute to collect myself. I’m still trying to get over the idea that you’ve never measured yourself… Okay, I’m ready to proceed. If I had a dollar for every “my girlfriend just got a vibrator” question, I’d be a rich man! Well, maybe not rich, but I’d definitely have at least thirty-six bucks or so.
I feel like we need to start a partner’s vibrator outreach group, so everyone in this predicament can talk to others in the same situation. Now, let’s get down to business. Just so we’re clear, the word “predicament” was said completely in jest. Your situation is not uncommon, and it’s nothing to freak out about. Regardless, I’m glad you asked.
This is more about communication than vibrators (or size). Your girlfriend could be newly interested in vibrators for numerous reasons, but no machine is gonna replace you, as long as you and your girlfriend are going strong. If your girlfriend “certainly has pleasure” with you, keep doing what you’re already doing. If you’re worried she’s not having enough pleasure, try some new moves, or start a conversation to see if there’s areas you can improve upon. When in doubt, talk it out. There’s no need to buy a penis pump (yet).
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Sorry about the (mostly) double post. Apparently a post can appear and disappear from the thread during the moderator review period and when I could no longer see the post with the “being moderated” caveat, I mistakenly thought that it had not gotten past the moderator because I used the word “fucking” so many times. So I put up the second (slightly modified/updated) post in the interrim. Apologies for any confusion.
If I may share my experience… First, while I don’t buy that a person is responsible for another person’s pleasure, I admit I am a victim of that socialization. I WANT to be the ultimate provider of my partner’s sexual satisfaction, if that is possible. I get off hearing the moans of pleasure I elicit from a woman, seeing that pleasure reflected in her eyes. It is my ambrosia, my aphrodediac. And I am as close to normative as one can get. (Though not according to Clarisse Thorne, who thinks male normative is a CIS straight male with a big… Read more »
“The question is, how do I divorce myself from the need to be that?”
Either divorce yourself of the notion, or find someone else. But, what you can do is be sure to take out the trash every single day and keep a good job. The Hitachi refuses to do those things.
She’s hopefully interested in you for more than just sex. It’s the same issue/argument some women have against porn viewing. Although, neither porn nor toys can replace a human, the other party may feel that replaced, or that they can’t compete.
Take out the trash? She doesn’t require the Hitachi to do that or to hold down a job, so why does it get to be the ultimate orgasmic tool? I want the job. Your argument is ridiculous. I know she is interested in me for more than sex, and vice versa. The problem is sexual though. Those other things don’t matter in the least. When was the last time your wife dropped moaning to the floor, eyes rolled back into her head, ejaculate spraying the walls just because you fixed the leaky faucet in the kitchen. I cook the meal… Read more »
Stop making it about you. What’s wrong with just being happy for her? What if the tables were turned? Men with toys and women with porn seem to always want everything to revolve totally around them rather than being happy (as you mentioned) that someone they care is having a great time. If the emotional part is good, and you can still have a good time together, be glad that she gets to take it to another level of enjoyment.
To the point, your reply seems to reduce to “You’re a man and men are not allowed to expect anyone to sympathize with their insecurities, let alone help you solve them. Suck it up, Princess!”
Eric, sorry about the spleen. Your point takes me right back where I started. I have no intention of going anywhere. I love this girl and I lust for her like no-one I have ever known. My problem is the one so many men have – the need to be the best lover she’s ever known, to please her better than anyone or anything can. Part socialization, part personal aphrodesiac. But that doesn’t change thef fundamental question… HOW do I divorce myself from this need to be her most orgasmic tool? Or how can I determine/believe that in most contexts… Read more »
ICMan, some things in life must simply be accepted. Unless and until you can train yourself to vibrate at that frequency and intensity, you simply won’t be able to compete on a purely physical level. However, what you aren’t appreciating is that in human relationships the purely physical is only part of the story. Human relationships are much richer overall and more fulfilling than anything a toy, picture, or video can ever accomplish. That is what people with major objections to porn and toys don’t quite grasp. There is no such toy for men; if there were, they would be… Read more »
So, how does one get past this need to be the best and ultimate architect of their spouse’s sexual pleasure? I don’t know how you get beyond that need, since it’s all in your head. That’s not meant as a put down, rather that what you’re dealing with is an expectation of your own making. You should remember that there are two components to sexual pleasure, the physical and the mental. Sure, the Hitachi works wonders for some people, but it can’t talk dirty to her, and it doesn’t respond to her excitement. There’s so many places you could go… Read more »
Thank you, Nick. That is the direction I am trying to head with my heart and mind, and your words are encouraging.
Try watch porn whilst having sex with her, see if she can understand how artificial outside stimulation can make someone feel lesser. It’s not a perfect analogy but it’s one that can work. Porn is visual stimulus, hitachi is physical. Until we get awesome robotic oral, vaginal or anal style devices to play with that vibrate, are warm and wet then we probably won’t have anything close to what women can get. The big problem is if she is turning you down in favour of the toys, that’s a problem women who disagree with their men’s porn usage have in… Read more »
I’m a little confused, Archy. Your advice seems to advocate having empathy for one another – something I agree with – but also suggest adversarial tactics to get there. Shouldn’t we aspire to move away from tactics that make ourselves and our partners feel bad, towards those that encourage and promote understanding?
Some adversarial tactics are for understanding though. Eg to ask her how she’d feel if he looked at porn during sex with her, bringing outside stimulation into the bedroom if she cannot understand. It’s best to find positive ways to handle a situation but if that fails maybe the more negative ones could help if they open her eyes? Either way these are potential ideas, pick n choose which you want to try, I’m just sounding off a bunch of random ideas that may or may not work.
If I may share my experience… First, while I don’t buy that a person is responsible for another person’s pleasure, I admit I am a victim of that socialization. I WANT to be the ultimate provider of my partner’s sexual satisfaction, if that is possible. I get off hearing the moans of pleasure I elicit from a woman, seeing that pleasure reflected in her eyes. It is my ambrosia, my aphrodediac. And I am not even normative (at least not according to Clarisse Thorne, who thinks male normative is a CIS straight male with a big dick). I may be… Read more »
Sorry but for me in my experience when I reached for my first vibe it was because the sex was crap and I wanted to know what an orgasm felt like. I became addicted to it lol my ex at the time got jealous because I used to turn down sex with him then he would catch me DIYing. Truth was he just wasn’t sexually for me. He was my first and worst lover. My recent ex was the MAN, I never thought about using a vibrator with him, there was no need, he had everything on point. The only… Read more »
With regard to your first BF, if you are turning him down for sex and hitting the vibrator instead, you DID replace him. If he wasn’t compatible with you, you should have kicked him to the curb (gently). If you wanted to keep him, you shoud have communicated your needs and helped him help you, teaching him what worked for you and experimenting. You certainly dished out a cruel punishment on that man. What did he do to deserve it?
For every man who is uncomfortable with his partner wanting to use a vibrator there are 10 women who are uncomfortable with their man watching porn. Nobody wants to invalidate a woman’s insecurities when she “forbids” her partner to watch porn because she can’t “measure up” to those women depicted. So why do it to a man who is insecure over his partner wanting to use a vibrator? For the record, I love having “our little friend” available to speed up foreplay or make sex more interesting. Some people have less sexual freedom and are more inhibited. With them, their… Read more »
“Nobody wants to invalidate a woman’s insecurities when she “forbids” her partner to watch porn because she can’t “measure up” to those women depicted. So why do it to a man who is insecure over his partner wanting to use a vibrator?” Well first, no one here is trying to invalidate those insecurities…or rather…we’re sympathetic to those insecurities. We’re just saying that if someone is feeling insecure about their partner opening up their sex lives, it’s not because of something inherently wrong with the vibrator/porn/etc. We’re sort of saying that the way to get over that insecurity is to remember… Read more »
..”if someone is feeling insecure about their partner opening up their sex lives, it’s not because of something inherently wrong with the vibrator/porn/etc ” I agree entirely. I point to some of the earlier comments from ladies above who consider male sexual insecurity “bitchy” or “whiny”. As to specifically invalidate that feeling. I drew the comparison that many women are insecure about a partner’s use of porn. It is equally wrong to invalidate a woman’s insecurity in the same way. I share your viewpoint that what is more important is getting over those insecurities when they surface, if possible. But… Read more »
“But that I feel men are expected to be comfortable with all manner of sexual exploration and when they are honest about being intimidated by something sexual their partner wants to try, it is more likely his “manhood” or masculinitiy will be questioned. A woman who expresses discomfort with her male partner’s sexual fetishes is not chastised similarly as a man.” Personally I think this sort of speaks to the need for a male sexual revolution…or maybe expansion of the queer sexual revolution…or something. I think if men are feeling more pressure to be comfortable with their girlfriends/wives/etc experimenting, it’s… Read more »
A male sexual revolution, what an idea! I can only imagine how that would look. It’s a good thing to have some insecurity about sex because it is the time where human beings are at their most vulnerable, emotionally and physically. So it’s healthy for that exposure to be met with some degree ot trepidation. And education aside, I believe that our society needs to empower people to have open communication about sex with their partners. That is the best way to overcome the fear, the insecurity and trepidation to work with your lover towards maximizing the sexual experience overall.… Read more »
“I believe that our society needs to empower people to have open communication about sex with their partners.”
Yeah…exactly so. Really when I say a male sexual revolution, I suppose I’m just talking about this right here…and it really applies to everyone. I just think that when we discuss men and sex in the mainstream we often ignore anything beyond discussing whether something is ‘masculine’ or not.
There are women out there who DO feel inadequate if they don’t produce enough lubrication. They internalize sex as a “win” or “lose” scenario. I’m very very very aware that most of these insecurities and resistance to toys or porn or lube has to do with the absolute lack of a) sex education and good sex ed (how does the body work, what do the parts actually do, the internal clitoris, the prostate, lubrication and etc) and then b) erotic literacy (how to take basic recipes and make masterpieces out of them) all while understanding our mixed US message of… Read more »
I wasn’t suggesting that the woman in my example had difficulty producing lubrication. Assuming a normal woman with a healthy physical sexual response gets approached by her partner about trying lube, not because the sex is bad without it, but because it could be better. Just like the vibrator thing, the woman is not saying the sex is bad without it, but it could be better with it. My point is that a normal, healthy woman might be feeling insecure about her body, about her sexual performance and that is perfectly fine. But men also feel that way. Consider this,… Read more »
I was agreeing with you.
I was also stating that if the man proposes lube, she may feel inadequate. Or if she can’t have multiple orgasms. Or if she can’t come from penetrative sex (watch the movie Orgasm Inc to see the lengths one woman would go to, even though she could have orgasms from manual stim…she felt completely abnormal to the point of surgery. She had NO idea that the majority of women don’t come from penetration). The biggest issue here to me is that many many many people don’t have info, have a lot of internalized shame, fear, guilt, worry about if they… Read more »
Agreed, here, Julie.
I know that, but perhaps got lost in your post a bit and meandered back to redefining my point. We are on the same page I believe.
Cool.
Here’s a question to ask yourself, if your woman wants to try a vibrator:
Do you like to make her cum? Do you love giving her orgasms? Do you love to see that helpless realization of approaching, unstoppable ecstacy on her sweet face?
If you answer yes, go with her to get a vibrator, and learn what feels good to her, and what doesn’t. Stop thinking about the size of your cock, because it isn’t about that, it’s about intimacy and pleasure and delight and ecstacy and orgams and…
you get the picture, I think.
You’d think, right?
For me it would depend on the individual’s history. If the woman concerned was in the habit of berating men about objectifying women I would call her a hypocrite and walk away immediately for the dildo/vibrator/other phallic device is the ultimate in objectification.
What we need is a condom that vibrates, ultra tiny vibrating mechanisms in the condom itself. Now that’d be an interesting sex toy! Get to it scientists!
I read a review of the LELO Tor II that suggested vibrations of adequate strength to accomplish what I think is your goal. 😉
Here is my brief analysis of the original poster’s problem: He says: “My girlfriend has recently said she wanted to try a vibrator. It’s making me very insecure, as it feels like maybe I’m not doing everything for her that she wants.” The girlfriend wants to try a vibrator. The purpose of using the vibrator is to stimulate the clitoris to produce orgasm, which is not being achieved by sexual intercourse. Therefore, it is very clear that this gentleman’s performance does not meet the required standard of his girlfriend. It is making him insecure which is quite natural as a… Read more »
“My girlfriend has recently said she wanted to try a vibrator. It’s making me very insecure, as it feels like maybe I’m not doing everything for her that she wants.” The girlfriend wants to try a vibrator. The purpose of using the vibrator is to stimulate the clitoris to produce orgasm, I’m with you up to here. which is not being achieved by sexual intercourse. Therefore, it is very clear that this gentleman’s performance does not meet the required standard of his girlfriend. Whoops, you lost me. No where does he say she doesn’t have orgasms during intercourse. No where… Read more »
This
Just to stir things up, what if the guy said he wanted to bring in a third person, a professional female. It’s not that he’s not being fullfilled mind you, it’s just that he wants to experience new things, you know, more vareity. Would his woman be insecure if she were against it? After all, this other person isn’t replaceing her.(by hiring a professional, there’s no enotional attachment) She’s just allowing the 2 of them new experiences.
Just to stir things up, what if the guy said he wanted to bring in a third person, a professional female. It’s not that he’s not being fullfilled mind you, it’s just that he wants to experience new things, you know, more vareity. Would his woman be insecure if she were against it? After all, this other person isn’t replaceing her.(by hiring a professional, there’s no enotional attachment) She’s just allowing the 2 of them new experiences. I’m actually glad you went there, because I think it helps test the consistency of an idea and determine what limits might exist.… Read more »
You make a valid argument so let me phrase this another way. Our young man has several thousand dollars just lying around the house (remember, this is all hypotheticial) and decides to purchase a custom built ‘Love Doll'(I know, but I saw a TV show on these and I didn’t know whether to bust out laughing or be grossed out). And let’s say that when it comes time to ‘get off’, he prefers the ‘VIbrating orifices’ of the love doll to his woman. Now, should she feel that she’s being replaced, or shoud she just accept that he’s improving there… Read more »
I know you posted this to Nick, Mostly but my take on it is this: if anything (porn, toys, scrabble, World of Warcraft, long distance running, a hand) is becoming a substitute (read-never having sex or intimacy) for the actual living partner then the situation needs to be addressed. If the toy, tech, tool, etc is an addition to their sex life and brings folks happiness, there may be no problem at all. If a person is truly being replaced by anything that’s a problem. The key word would be replaced. Bringing a toy into the bedroom for both to… Read more »
I must inquire about the sexuality of scrabble and world of warcraft, clearly I must be missing out! Is there a new 25person raid/orgy?:P:P I wonder what heroic mode is like :O
Hee!
Naw it was only sexual back in vanilla…40-man orgy!
If a toy is bringing her a thrill but not him,then how is not replaceing him? How can it be “Good for them” if she’s the only one enjoying it? Is ‘Their’ enjoyment predicated on ‘Her’ fullfillment? Alot of people (even some with Phd’s in this kind of stuff) Believe this from what I read. They feel that the man should ‘Bring it’ to the woman. Just the thrill of being there is supposed to be enough for us. Actually, if you felt this way, it’s easy to understand how a toy could make you feel inadequite. After all, your… Read more »
Who says he’s not giving her a thrill? We are assuming that because she is being adventurous it’s a commentary on him. He himself admits she receives pleasure from him. How do we know the vibe won’t give him a thrill too? Have you ever experienced a vibe? Or a vibrating sleeve? I hear from expert sources, it feels amazing. How wonderful would it be to have your partner want to give you that pleasure! Maybe he will get a thrill in using it on/with her. Maybe she will get a thrill using a toy on/with him or knowing he… Read more »
What Julie said. 🙂 I first learned about the Real Doll™ while watching HBO’s Real Sex one night in my hotel room while ironing my shirt for the next day’s presentation. The way they presented it in the show was as a toy to be shared by both partners and then stuffed in the closet (although I must confess I had distinct “uncanny valley” feelings about it.) The next time the Real Doll™ crossed my radar was in the movie Lars and the Real Girl where the title character, played by Ryan Gosling, is a socially awkward and somewhat delusional… Read more »
Actually, there are certain times during various weeknights that I realize aren’t the best of times to bother the wife because of what’s on the tube. I accept it , but to tell you the truth, sometimes it does bother me some (coming in second place is no fun) Honestly, if I really persued it, she would relent. But that would be kind of selfish of me.
So….may I ask a few questions here? You mean that there are a few times during the week, when she is getting pleasure out of watching a show she likes. And you would like to make love. So you don’t ask during the show but it makes you feel like coming in second? Does she know you want to make love during that moment? Or are you assuming it would bother her. The use of relent is a strange choice to me. She might happily turn off the tv, or she might say, let’s snuggle up and kiss during commercials… Read more »
There are lot many things that have been left unsaid in the situation described by the letter writer. Lets see it all over again. The girlfriend wants to try a vibrator. Now what does vibrator do?? It stimulates clitoris to produce orgasm. Under normal circumstances, she would achieve orgasm by having sexual intercourse with letter writer. Why fix it if it ain’t broken??? Why would she want to use vibrator if she is getting orgasm without it. There is lot to be read between the lines. If she is not complaining that does not mean everything is okay. Now by… Read more »
I read the end of this piece and I had an image of the tiny vibrator at the front door of the house, triumphantly shaking a fist, while the woman (devoid of any choice or agency sits at the vibe’s feet, er, base) laughing at the man and saying, “Hahahaha! I win! I will take your woman and we will live in a beach house in Jamaica and drink rum and vibrate late into each evening while you are left here, alone, to ponder your fate.” Which seems impossible considering the vibrator doesn’t have a mouth with which to speak… Read more »
Eric is more correct here. Logically, she wouldn’t need a vibrator if she could have that experience with him. He cannot provide that experience for her. Yet, she wants it. Therefore, he is not enough to fulfill all her desires. That answers the question but doesn’t tie any judgments to it. Steph seems quick to make it into something about insecurities. Steph recognizes that the women are seeking a different sort of experience than their partner can supply, but then makes it seem like by acknowledging that the man is not enough for her, it somehow is a sign of… Read more »
That should read “a sign of insecurity in the man” in the second paragraph.
Eric is more correct here. Logically, she wouldn’t need a vibrator if she could have that experience with him. He cannot provide that experience for her. Yet, she wants it. Therefore, he is not enough to fulfill all her desires. That answers the question but doesn’t tie any judgments to it. My point is that it’s about as relevant as me saying I wouldn’t need dessert if the pizza I was having for dinner were also sweet and made of frozen cream. I’m not judging pizza, it just can’t provide that malted chocolate experience I desire. Steph seems quick to… Read more »
The Letter writer is operating from an either/but model. The pro sex toy people are operation from a both/and model. As in “yes I love what you do to/with me AND I enjoy adding things to OUR pleasure.”
I am “pro-sex toy.” Recognizing that the man (or woman) in a partnership cannot do everything the woman (or man) wants all the time does not attach any judgments. If the other partner wants to use a sex toy, I feel that’s fine. As I said, not everyone has the same level of experience, talent, or physical gifts to be able to satisfy every potential partner. Even if a person has amazing sexual compatibility with one partner, it may not be there with another. I think the people who are pushing the angle that he is the end-all-be-all are trying… Read more »
Oh for fuck’s sake. I’m so tired of this, the “she wants something he can’t provide”. Your job is not to “provide” in sex. You’re buying into the idea that you have to perform and that if she may be interested in something else then you’re “not up to standard”. As if you’re some outdated piece of machinery. YOU ARE SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT. Let the woman enjoy a vibrator. Learn to get over your insecurities. Can I make this clear enough? Your woman is not dating or married to your penis (or your hands or your mouth). She’s… Read more »
On the one hand I get what your’e saying…on the other hand the lack of empathy in your comment is a bit off putting. I mean yeah, a lot of the problematic ways we discuss sex in our culture is in judging whether it’s successful or not if you can give your partner pleasure. I’d say this is probably particularly true when it comes to straight guys (or lesbian women) giving pleasure to the woman they’re having sex with. For a whole bunch of reasons, our culture views female pleasure in bed to be pretty rare and a pretty big… Read more »
“Let the woman enjoy a vibrator. Learn to get over your insecurities.”
Perhaps you didn’t read my comment. I said, “I’m NOT SAYING saying that she’s wrong to want whatever she wants, just that she clearly wants more than he alone can provide.”
No suggestion of being threatened. Get it? Probably not but it’s clear.
If she wants/gets to experience something/one other than him, then he should be able to experience variety he may wish as well. That’s reasonable.
He can’t vibrate and doesn’t have 16 settings, and is only so big. She evidently wants more than he has, or she wouldn’t have asked. She’s convinced that there is something better than just him alone out there that she’s missing; so, there is no way for him to win this one. He will need to let her have her toys.
If he’s not into porn, he can take this opportunity to start watching it. They both get some variety that way.
“She evidently wants more than he has, or she wouldn’t have asked. She’s convinced that there is something better than just him alone out there that she’s missing.” No, Eric, not really. The key thing to remember is that a vibrator isn’t necessarily better or something more than having vanilla sex. It is just different to having vaginal intercourse. But then, a blowjob is also different to vaginal intercourse; and missionary position is different to doggy style; and a bit of kink and negotiated power play is different to ‘vanilla’ sex. So which is better….missionary or doggy? A blowjob or… Read more »
I’m not saying that she’s wrong to want whatever she wants, just that she clearly wants more than he alone can provide. Every other sexual activity or variey you listed, wihtout a single exception, can be done with JUST their two bodies – no one else or machines necessary. Men don’t vibrate at all, let alone in 16 different patterns. She is wants is a sexual experience that his body is not capable of delivering. Kind of like him saying that he wants a sexual experience involving breasts or a vagina that look or operate in a way that she… Read more »
Eric, I don’t think you get it: It’s Not About Him. It might seem like it’s about him, particularly if you start with the idea that by default he should be the exclusive provider of her sexual satisfaction. Going with Heather’s dessert analogy… The market up the street from me has a number of ice cream flavors I love. When I want Moose Tracks or Mint Oreo I buy it at my corner market. But sometimes I’m in the mood for Three Geeks and a Red Head which my corner market doesn’t carry, so I go to my local coöp… Read more »
You and I have very similar world views, because I completely agree with this. It’s Not About Him. People have sexual identities outside their primary relationship(s). I am satisfied with my partner, we are very sexually compatible. But I am also my own person, and as an individual I would like to try a new experience. That’s it. I’m not replacing him. I don’t suddenly hate all the things that I love about him or the way he makes me feel in the bedroom and out. All that he is is not suddenly moot now that I have a toy.
“Eric, I don’t think you get it: It’s Not About Him.” True. She wants something he doesn’t have. Not criticizing that; simply stating a fact. “It might seem like it’s about him, particularly if you start with the idea that by default he should be the exclusive provider of her sexual satisfaction.” That’s up to the two of them. If they decide that other sexual outlets (e.g., toys, porn, other people) are OK, that’s their choice. The dessert analogy applies if she’s blond and with a teenage boyish figure and she approves of him sexually preferring (at times) and regularly… Read more »
“Eric, I don’t think you get it: It’s Not About Him.” True. She wants something he doesn’t have. Not criticizing that; simply stating a fact. I still not sure you get it. It’s not about him. It’s not a question of him having it or not, because it has nothing to do with him. He is completely fungible and quite irrelevant to the question. It says nothing about him, and isn’t a comment on him. Except when it does. When it is about him is when he is being displaced by the toy. Then they have a problem with their… Read more »
“I still not sure you get it. It’s not about him.” You’ve said that many times now. If that’s how you want to look at it. Still, she wants a sexual experience that he can’t provide. Again, I’m not judging, but the facts are the facts. “It’s not a question of him having it or not” Now that’s wrong. If he could vibrate in 16 different patterns, she wouldn’t be asking for something that does. “because it has nothing to do with him.” In your opinion. But, women often disagree with you. She wants an experience he can’t give her.… Read more »
I’m going to try to frame this just ever so slightly differently: A penis is not a vibrator. You are correct. A penis cannot do what a vibrator can do. Nor can a vagina do what a fleshlight can do. Nor can fingers do what certain pinchy toys can do. Nor can limbs do what ropes can do. I’m leaving porn out of this particular equation, but I’d say the same thing holds. Filming oneself is not as Olympic as watching adult films. So a couple can either be all like, “Waaaaaah! My parts aren’t ENOUGH FOR YOU!!!!!” or a… Read more »
I’m not arguing for or against here. Just noting that humans don’t all see things the same way. However you frame it, she desires a sexual experience that his body is unable to deliver, no matter what he does. Likewise, he might get sexual satisfaction watching in women with physical/sexual characteristics that she no longer has, or never had. He could be happy that her toys are bringing her satisfaction that he can’t give her rather than feeling insecure, and she could be happy that he is getting sexual pleasure from the visuals that she can’t offer rather than feeling… Read more »
I think the thing I’m reacting to is the (perceived? Implied?) negative POV about “he can’t provide” “unable to deliver” rather than “let’s add on” “let’s create new”
Same thing, really? Just how you frame it. I’m pretty positive about things and think collaboratively, so when I read your words, I usually reacted with…huh…negative. Doesn’t mean you personally feel that way, just my observation.
It’s not a matter of being positive or negative; it’s simply factual. It considers how people feel. No matter how positive one feels, it’s a fact that he can’t vibrate and his penis size is what it is. He CAN buy her a toy that is bigger than him and does vibrate and maybe give her an experience that he alone can’t provide. She may no longer have the body of a 25 year old with a perfect body who but she can find some pictures or movies of such, and give him a visual experience that she alone can’t… Read more »
I guess so. It’s also a fact that the vibe or porn can’t hug, love, laugh, comfort, share cookies in bed, shower and scrub each other. All of which seem 1000 times more important than can this tech tool run on three settings for 10 minutes. We have such shame and fear around sexuality is what I’m seeing. I imagine a woman cooking dinner with a certain set of implements and ingredients. She gets a new tool or spice and her partner gets insecure. That would never happen. Well, actually, now that I think of it, that’s not entirely true.… Read more »
Julie, there is an assumption at the heart of Eric’s framing that differs from that I believe we share: that where possible he should be the one fulfilling all of her sexual experiences. The way he frames is it such that the only reason she wants a vibrator is because his cock doesn’t vibrate; the only reason she wants melted wax dripped on her breasts is because his saliva isn’t hot enough; the only reason she wants a butt plug while he fucks her is because he doesn’t have two penises to do the job. Therefore because his body is… Read more »
Lovely. Well put.
I am not taking a for or against position; simply stating what is true. “The way he frames is it such that the only reason she wants a vibrator is because his cock doesn’t vibrate;” If it did vibrate in 16 different patterns and could do everything and anything a vibrator could do, would she want/need one? Only if she wanted to use it alone, which she very well/probably would. She should swap partners with the couple from, “Why Do Married Men Watch Porn?” The advice she was given is similar: “it’s not about you.” They new couples would probably… Read more »
So much assumption of fear and insecurities. Sex should be fun. Toys Movies books etc add to the fun. It’s creativity, sexual collaboration, exploration both personally and as a couple.
Wait a minute…sex is supposed to be fun? Crap, looks like I’ve been doing it wrong this whole time. 😉 (kidding)
It is time to find a new girl friend.
Why do you say that?
Automation makes man power redundant.
You know the best thing about being a grown up? You can buy whatever toys you want.
http://xkcd.com/150/
Face it pal, she wants MORE! Why else would she suddenly want to bring vibrators into bed? They’ll always tell you that you ‘Rock their world’ and that your’Big enough’. It might not be true, but they’ll always tell you that! Hey, at least she wants to keep you involved. The guy Josie refers to , his women went solo with a giant dildo! Yep, didn’t even invite him to the party!
“The guy Josie refers to , his women went solo with a giant dildo! Yep, didn’t even invite him to the party!”
Alright just to poke at it – do you always have your girlfriend/boyfriend/whatever with you when you masturbate? Didn’t think so.
Heather,if I’m home WITH my wife (like this poor sap was) , There’s no need to “Spank it” by myself!
Heather, as a matter of fact, if we’re both home,there’s no need to “spank it” alone, she’s more than up to taking care of me(and I her).
It’s great you two are so sexually compatible.
I’ll echo what Nick said. Not every couple has such synchronized libidos.
Yeah, over 36 years and still going strong. You see, she was the first woman I ever brought to orgasm, and I was the first man she did the same. We both get as big a thrill bringing each other off as our own ‘Happy Ending’. I actually asked her recently if she wanted a ‘Toy’ in the bedroom( at this age I think we’ve both maybe ‘Lost a little off our fastball’) She said “absolutly not”. She said all she needs are my “Fingers, tounge, and ‘mister happy’ to make her satisfied”. Of course, this made my chest swell… Read more »
It doesn’t sound lame; it sounds absolutely lovely. I just think it’s important to remember that just because two people love each other and find happiness with each other doesn’t mean that their libidos will sync up. It’s no one’s fault, and it’s not because anyone is failing at the relationship…it’s just that the two people have different sex drives. It happens. Plus, sometimes it’s really just about wanting a bit of variety. Some people prefer more variety in bed…again not because their partner isn’t satisfying them, but just because that’s what they prefer. And again, often when people masturbate… Read more »
That sounds really sweet 🙂
@bobbt
God men are such whiny bitches about their sexual insecurities.
Grow some sack and face it like a man. Get that vibe down there WITH YOUR TONGUE and really blow her mind. Give her her first DP.
Like seriously. Aren’t you guys at least watching porn for some ideas? Reading all the smut site about how to blow her mind?
Seriously!!!!
Don’t men like power tools and get a sense of accomplishment from using them well?
It’s so sad… I fear manhood is doomed if this is what lurks below the surface.
Pathetic.
Wow. Comment of the year.
Absolutely. I don’t go around saying this on the internet, but A) I had to look up “DP”, and B) this commenter has got me turned on. I think I’m going to go have sex with my husband, now. She Said, He Said has just officially improved my marriage.
Yea, why whine when you can belittle?
I’m giving very specific props to this:
“Get that vibe down there WITH YOUR TONGUE and really blow her mind.”
I even just tweeted that @SheSaidHeSaid1
“God men are such whiny bitches about their sexual insecurities.”
=.=
“It’s so sad… I fear manhood is doomed if this is what lurks below the surface.”
Manhood is doomed if being honest about your vulnerabilities ‘lurks below the surface’?
wet, from your posts you seem to be entering a dark-thoughts cycle. are you ok?
i just realised i shouldnt have said anything. wet, if you need to vent, it is better that you keep on venting here. dont bottle it up
Hey Jameseq!
Thanks for noticing. Yeah, I was entering into such a cycle earlier this week seemingly, but I’m on it. Saw Dr. Feelgood about it already.
Thanks for caring!
What would the reaction have been if the comment was: “God women are such whiny bitches about their sexual insecurities?”
I totally agree. I sorta got hung up on that one line and then everything went blurry 😉
EricM
That usually is the tone women get when they complain about mens behavior…
That is certainly not true as the generalization about all men in general, as it was written and as you suggest.
One thing is clear, if a man were to make that statement about women in general, first of all, he and it would be considered hateful and misogynistic and therefore not get past the moderators.
But, even if it did make it through, he and his views would be body-slammed and run out of town as a women hater. But, since it was said about all men in general not women, no objection whatsoever.
That is very telling.
The difference is women admit their faults and men do not, because egos restrict us from seeing things as they really are. Is this against the gender rules for men to say this?
Which is why lesbian relationships never suffer from pig-headed stubbornness…oh wait. lol.
Men and women both let their egos get in the way, and they can both be completely unwilling to admit they are wrong.
That is a big untruth. Women do not let their egos get in the way in relationships. We know that women are not euipped in the same thinking line as men when it comes to me, me, me. But women learn early that men are not open, forthcoming, and may not be faithtful with them. Women are on guard because we know men say they like variety and desire almost every other female that looks good. Women (generally speaking), when they are in a relationship, will have eyes only for that one man. We have been warned about men’s itchiness,… Read more »
“Women do not let their egos get in the way in relationships.”
Try having a relationship with one, lol. Sorry but that just made me chuckle. Women most certainly let their egos get in the way in a relationship…just like men do…just like people do. Egos are difficult things to overcome.
Anyway, as to the rest of your comment, it sounds like you’ve had some bad experiences with men in relationships. You can’t make generalizations, particularly such negative ones, based on personal experiences.
“Men don’t ask the woman to talk relationship and turn their eyes away from other women and let down pride to make a relationship work. Why don’t we all just admit that men don’t put all into one woman.” UGH. Either you’re living in a dreamland or you are totally lost in the reality of the world, why don’t we all just admit that women don’t put all into one man? How does that sound? Do you honestly believe your misandrist dribble? Do you think women do not cheat on their men, checkout other men, shame them, have ego problems?… Read more »
“God men are such whiny bitches about their sexual insecurities.”
Now that is the biggest load of projection I’ve seen in years.
Why dont you tell us how you really feel? lol I see where you are coming from,it seems like so many men can dish it but they can’t take it. There are men who will leave a living breathing woman in bed so he can go the the computer and masturbate. They’ll cut down time with kids so they can spend more time at the computer. Then they’ll have to put themselves on viagra so they can have sex with the wife/gf because they can’t get it up for her anymore (this is happening to young men,too). Browsing online porn… Read more »
Because you can’t compare some men with other men. Men that look at porn for a part time job might totally love women using vibrators. Remember that people are individuals and it will become less baffling. If it was a guy who looked at porn a lot and then said his fears of his partner using a vibrator, then it’d be baffling.
Personally I’d like a woman to use on as extra fun in the bedroom, I’d use it on her, I’d even look for toys for me.
“Why dont you tell us how you really feel? lol”
Given your tone why would any man want to? You’d give nothing but ridicule and shaming in response.
There is a reason why men tend to not be very forthcoming about personal and emotional matters. Thankyou for the demonstration.
Gwallan:
That line was actually a response to wet suit one, and it was meant in a joking manner
I guess in this kind of discussion that can easily happen.
Alice that is the truth!!!