Advice everywhere. Everyone talking. It’s kind of numbing.
Realistically, we’re not exactly focused on how to live our “best” life right now. We’re trying to keep ourselves and our families safe, salvage a few of our regular routines, and keep ourselves from devolving into a Netflix and Oreos spiral.
Well, at least I am.
And just like you probably do, I fluctuate between being OK and feeling intense melancholy about the situation. (I’m also sick of being taunted by home workout videos I’m not actually doing.)
Anyway. If you can relate to any of this, I made you a video.
I certainly haven’t got this all figured out. And you probably haven’t either. But I think there are some very manageable ways we can feel a little better right now, and release the pressure of the unrealistic expectations many of us are putting on ourselves in what is already a very difficult time. I explain them in the video…
One day at a time, friends.
00:00
so it feels like by the day we are all
00:02
coming to terms with the fact that this
00:04
situation right now is going to last a
00:06
lot longer than perhaps most of us
00:09
anticipated or we were told there’s a
00:12
lot of emotions that come with that I am
00:16
seeing people in my own life who
00:19
normally have zero plot problems with
00:22
motivation finding it difficult to get
00:26
going
00:27
difficult to get motivated feeling
00:29
really apathetic other people who just
00:32
feel like they’re not you know they keep
00:34
thinking they need to be super
00:36
productive but then they’re not even
00:38
close to being as productive as they are
00:40
in a time when they’re 10 times more
00:42
busy and of course the low-level anxiety
00:45
that we feel and the uncertainty that we
00:48
feel the frustration that we feel in
00:50
many cases that anger that we feel all
00:52
of that going on in the background of
00:54
our minds whether consciously or
00:55
unconsciously is draining and many of us
00:59
wonder why do I feel so tired right now
01:01
and it’s were aside from the fact that
01:03
we’re a lot less active right now we’re
01:05
also exhausted emotionally from having
01:07
to process this every day in ways that
01:10
we don’t even realize and whenever I put
01:12
out something right now there are all
01:15
these comments that say what’s everyone
01:19
so worried about why are people making
01:22
such a big deal this is the greatest
01:23
time ever is it bad that I’m not feeling
01:26
bad at all that I’m actually enjoying
01:28
this time there’s those kinds of
01:31
comments which I find either emotionally
01:34
numb to the situation or reflective of
01:38
someone in denial where they don’t
01:41
realize that those emotions are coming
01:43
for them and they’re kind of in this
01:45
blissful state of unawareness or
01:47
ignorance right now or honestly just
01:50
lacking in empathy for what other people
01:52
are experiencing right now I was on a
01:55
run and I stopped by a place that was
01:57
still serving coffee this place that
02:00
normally is a fully functioning
02:02
restaurant that is just serving takeaway
02:04
right now and I said to the guy behind
02:06
the counter said how you doing and he
02:08
said well we’re we’re trying and we’re
02:11
still making things and we have these
02:13
meal plan
02:13
if you want us to will literally do free
02:16
delivery at home for you we’ll send you
02:18
the meals and you can pick what you want
02:20
and have it customized to you and as I’m
02:22
hearing this guy talk my heart breaks
02:25
because I think god this poor guy you
02:28
know started a business these kinds of
02:31
businesses are hard even when they’re
02:33
easy even when times are good right now
02:37
they’re hanging on for dear life and my
02:39
heart breaks for those people and so
02:42
whenever people say right now like this
02:44
is you know it’s what’s the big deal
02:46
with this could be the greatest time
02:47
ever I think we’re almost not accessing
02:50
the breadth of experience that’s
02:51
happening right now and I also get a lot
02:54
frustrated right now whenever someone
02:57
voices something they’re struggling with
02:58
and the comments underneath are littered
03:01
with you know you should remember to be
03:03
grateful other people have it this bad
03:05
and so on and I think with it of course
03:07
that’s true that’s always true but we
03:08
have to allow people their pain we have
03:11
to allow people their their truth their
03:13
suffering is I think of it as pain
03:16
shaming I I almost want to I want to
03:19
have an environment right now where
03:21
people feel a bit more free to be human
03:24
without being judged for being human
03:26
without the self-help world telling them
03:28
you should be so productive right now
03:31
this can be an amazing time step up and
03:33
be a hero right now this is you’re going
03:36
to come out of this a winner or a loser
03:38
this like we have to get out of that
03:40
mindset and get into just acknowledging
03:44
each other right now I actually think
03:45
that what’s even more important than
03:47
advice right now is just humanity so
03:50
much of the motivation that’s thrown at
03:52
us constantly grates on me a little bit
03:54
I feel like there’s an avalanche of
03:57
motivational quotes that drive me a bit
03:59
bonkers and I realize the irony of that
04:02
in the context of this video that I’m
04:04
making right now I may well be
04:06
contributing to the problem but I
04:08
struggle with it myself right now when I
04:10
come to post something on Instagram I’m
04:11
like oh god I don’t want to put up a
04:14
quote right now you know and just become
04:18
part of that platitudinous abyss of my
04:21
numbing motivation that when you see it
04:24
sometimes the instinct isn’t you’re
04:26
right the instinct is of
04:27
off like I’m be sorry I’m having a
04:31
tough time and you’re telling me it’s
04:32
got still be my best year ever
04:34
yeah it becomes annoying and we also
04:36
have to remember that this is gonna be a
04:39
marathon not a sprint we can try and
04:41
white-knuckle this and I’m going to make
04:43
this the greatest week ever but we’re
04:46
also gonna have next week and the week
04:48
after and if we don’t start setting
04:51
ourselves more modest ideas of what
04:54
success looks like during this time we
04:57
are absolutely gonna burn out before
04:59
we’re even halfway through what I wanted
05:02
to talk about today is how we can deal
05:05
with the emotions that we’re feeling
05:06
right now and how we can have a perhaps
05:09
a slightly better experience of this
05:13
this isn’t a video about how to be
05:15
blissfully happy during this time but
05:17
how do we have a better experience of
05:19
this really challenging chapter of our
05:22
lives I don’t claim to have this figured
05:24
out but there are things that in the
05:26
past in my life I’ve used to deal with
05:29
situations where I feel very much out of
05:32
control where I don’t feel like I can
05:34
just fix the situation and this is one
05:37
of those situations I think one of the
05:39
things that a lot of people are feeling
05:40
uncomfortable with right now and in some
05:43
ways some of the things that the
05:46
self-development world is struggling
05:48
with a bit right now as a industry is
05:51
that so much of it is used to
05:53
controlling things is used to you know
05:56
fixing problems and part of this is a
05:59
problem that we cannot fix we as
06:03
individuals in our homes don’t have
06:05
control over and for the problem solvers
06:09
out there and the people that are used
06:10
to making things happen and taking
06:13
charge they’re deeply uncomfortable with
06:16
this feeling of being out of control
06:19
right now so how can you deal with those
06:22
feelings and how can you deal with the
06:23
negative emotions you’re feeling right
06:25
now
06:25
number one surrender my boxing coach
06:30
Martin snow told me a long time ago
06:32
surrender doesn’t mean giving up
06:35
surrender means acceptance making peace
06:38
with we right now have a situation that
06:40
we can either fight
06:42
against and many of us are fighting
06:44
against it though you know you can
06:46
imagine that image of a child that
06:47
kicking and screaming and crying
06:49
eventually you that child might realize
06:53
if they have a parent that doesn’t
06:55
respond to that behavior or if life
06:57
doesn’t change because they kick and
06:59
scream and cry that they stop crying
07:01
because that’s our way of lashing out
07:03
against the situation what we can to
07:05
realize is this isn’t a situation that
07:07
kicking and screaming is going to change
07:10
we’re all going to have our kicking and
07:12
screaming moments right I’ve had mine in
07:15
one form or another already moments
07:17
where I’m angry about the fact that
07:19
we’re having to make all these changes
07:20
moments where you just get very sad
07:23
about the whole situation and sit there
07:25
and don’t do anything you know it’s we
07:27
all have those moments in our own way at
07:30
a certain point we have to surrender to
07:31
the situation and say I’m it’s almost
07:35
like I’m going to give this situation
07:37
permission to exist instead of fighting
07:41
against it I’m gonna this okay this is
07:44
where I’m at right now
07:46
and interestingly and paradoxically hope
07:51
isn’t always a good thing in a situation
07:55
like this hope can be a good thing when
07:57
we say three weeks from now it’s going
07:59
to get better because we know that bla
08:01
bla bla but we know right now that
08:03
everything that’s being said to us is
08:06
just an estimate the goalposts for when
08:08
this ends keeps being moved and the
08:10
living in hope of the moment when this
08:13
changes stops us being here now in this
08:16
moment stops us making peace with the
08:19
way things are right now it actually
08:21
stops us living because it puts us in
08:23
this perpetual state of waiting I’ll be
08:26
happy when this changes I’ll start
08:28
living again when this changes and then
08:30
of course when an authority figure says
08:32
we said it was going to be on this date
08:35
but actually now we’re going to loosen
08:37
up these restrictions on this date the
08:40
reaction to that is anguish is is huge
08:45
pain and disappointment paradoxically
08:48
the way to get through this is for us to
08:50
make peace with the way it is right now
08:52
and to focus on okay maybe it’s not
08:55
going to be
08:55
maybe I’m not going to be able to do
08:57
everything I want to do maybe all the
08:59
goals I wanted to achieve can all be
09:01
achieved maybe while I’m dealing with
09:03
the stress of all this I’m not going to
09:05
be as productive as I normally am or
09:06
getting the best workout or do this but
09:09
I’m gonna make it my own little work of
09:12
art in whatever way I can even if just
09:15
that’s a modest way my work of art could
09:19
be just me navigating my way through
09:21
this emotionally but surrendering to
09:26
that we cannot live for the day that
09:28
this moves on number two we have to
09:31
focus on the emotional component of this
09:33
not the circumstantial component of this
09:36
in this case the circumstantial
09:38
component is the virus is the
09:41
restrictions we have on our movement
09:43
right now social distancing quarantine
09:45
II because some of you it’s the loss of
09:47
a job or the breakdown of a relationship
09:51
during this time we can’t always change
09:53
or exert control over the circumstantial
09:55
component of something right and even if
09:58
you can you learn that you might be able
10:01
to manipulate it by one or two percent
10:03
like oh I’m gonna you know I can’t go
10:06
out I can’t do a lot of things but I can
10:08
still take a walk okay fine so that’s we
10:10
are able to manipulate it to some extent
10:13
to alleviate some of this pain that we
10:15
get from the restrictions we have right
10:17
now but it’s still small percentage
10:20
shifts then there’s the emotional
10:21
component which is the way that we’re
10:23
relating to this situation now what’s
10:24
encouraging is the emotional component
10:27
is both the source of the pain that
10:31
we’re feeling and it’s also the part
10:34
that can be the most heavily manipulated
10:36
one of the things that can help us
10:38
manipulate the emotional component to
10:40
this is a lesson that was passed on to
10:41
me by one of my mentors when I came to
10:44
him about a chronic injury something
10:47
that was causing me pain on a regular
10:49
basis that I could not make go away he
10:52
said so right now you see it as a
10:55
foreign invasion and every time you
10:58
notice that that pain is still there it
11:00
might be that you lose yourself in a
11:01
flow state working or you’re able to
11:03
distract yourself for an hour or two but
11:05
the moment your mind goes back to that
11:08
pain that you’re feeling
11:09
you instantly get upset because it’s
11:12
like there’s this foreign invader that’s
11:14
there right now that’s back there it is
11:16
again I thought it was gone now it’s
11:18
back he said as crazy as it sounds we
11:21
have to start seeing this as an old
11:24
friend as a kind of companion in your
11:28
life that you actually make space for
11:31
and he said that may seem completely
11:34
that may seem so ridiculous to you
11:38
because you hate this thing he said but
11:40
we have to start taking that energy out
11:43
of it and start seeing this as an old
11:45
friend this isolation that we’re feeling
11:47
right now the loneliness that comes with
11:49
it the social distancing the all of this
11:52
can be seen in the context even though
11:54
it’s new and many of us are struggling
11:57
because we see it as a foreign invasion
11:59
we could start to actually make friends
12:02
with it and wake up into a new day and
12:04
go instead of going is the nightmare
12:06
over no I’m still in isolation I’m still
12:09
having to quarantine I’m still having to
12:11
social distance instead we could wake up
12:12
into this and go ah there here we are
12:15
again another day another day of
12:17
quarantine another day of social
12:19
distancing there you are there’s this
12:21
sort of companion I’ve made space for
12:23
now our loneliness there you are welcome
12:26
welcome back oh we had dinner yesterday
12:29
didn’t we well let’s have breakfast this
12:30
morning hello it’s much more there’s a
12:34
there’s a there’s a lack of resistance
12:38
there that actually makes it hard for
12:40
that thing to wrestle with you and
12:42
exhaust you the same way number three we
12:46
can benefit from placing the pain of
12:49
this in a larger context right now this
12:53
seems like everything it seems like
12:56
everything has been leading to this and
12:58
this is the great big painful moment of
13:01
our lives right now but seen in a longer
13:04
context it will be part of the fabric of
13:08
a life of many different moments many
13:10
different emotions and it certainly
13:11
won’t be the only painful moment of our
13:13
lives we can therefore see this as a
13:17
kind of training for other situations
13:20
that we’re going to confront in life
13:21
anyway
13:22
that this is actually useful for the
13:24
purposes of that training and we see it
13:27
that way when we go into the gym we see
13:29
the pain we create in the gym as being
13:31
valuable pain Sam Harris talks about
13:34
this he talks about how pain is
13:35
contextual that if you were to wake up
13:37
in the middle of the night feeling the
13:41
intensity of pain that you feel at the
13:44
height of a difficult gym session you’d
13:46
think you were dying and yet when you
13:48
feel it in the gym you’re perfectly
13:50
relaxed about it because it’s pain that
13:53
you’ve not only chosen but accepted as
13:57
an acceptable part of your growth we can
14:01
actually frame this up in the context of
14:04
this being a gym right now we’re
14:07
training and the pain we’re feeling is
14:09
an acceptable part of the growth of who
14:14
we’re about to become and everything
14:15
else that’s coming we’re going to be
14:16
more equipped for because we did our
14:18
training here now in this gym so look
14:21
we’re all finding our way with this I
14:23
have bad moments in my day and my goal
14:28
is not to have no bad moments or even no
14:31
bad hours or in some cases no bad
14:34
morning or evening but to try to use
14:38
these techniques I’m sharing with you
14:40
these are very personal to me because I
14:42
use these for myself all the time to use
14:46
these techniques to try to prevent a bad
14:50
hour from turning into a bad day or a
14:53
bad week because these are techniques
14:56
that allow us to kind of when there’s a
14:58
fork in the road where we can spiral
15:00
into something even worse there’s
15:04
actually an off-ramp
15:05
that takes us somewhere more positive
15:07
the one thing I know that is going to be
15:10
Universal from this is that we as human
15:13
beings are going to be reminded of how
15:16
adaptable we really are and many people
15:19
who have never learned how adaptable
15:21
they can be are going to learn for the
15:23
first time perhaps just how adaptable
15:25
they can be and no bad can come from
15:29
that I’ll leave you with this there was
15:32
a comment that was left by someone
15:35
called
15:35
healy on my last video she said I’m
15:39
blind and I find it fascinating that
15:41
this pandemic is forcing sighted people
15:43
to have a taste of physical and
15:46
emotional isolation is the same
15:48
isolation that many members of the blind
15:50
community experienced with or without
15:53
shelter at home orders though most
15:55
people considered blind legally have
15:57
some residual vision we don’t
15:59
necessarily see people while out running
16:01
errands which means we often have fewer
16:03
casual conversations with strangers I
16:06
never see smiles or any attempt to eye
16:09
contact from my own friends and family
16:11
who forget I can’t see them much less
16:15
strangers who have no idea apparently I
16:18
don’t look blind it can feel very
16:21
isolating and blind people have to take
16:23
deliberate steps to change that feeling
16:26
it’s interesting to me how the covert 19
16:28
pandemic has impacted the sighted people
16:31
in my life many of them are taking their
16:34
isolation hard but as you said in this
16:36
video is a matter of perspective and
16:39
resilience but they’ll adapt just like
16:43
every person I’ve met who suddenly lost
16:45
their vision is what humans do
16:50
it’s what humans do and it’s what we
16:54
will do as we go through this situation
16:58
not alone but together I love you and
17:03
I’ll see you in the next video
17:07
[Music]
—
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