Steve Coruzzi likes his wife and sometimes feels like he is in the minority.
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The men I work with call their wives “Bitches”. A lot.
“What a bitch!” That is how a co-worker ended a phone call with his wife. He turned to me after four very uncomfortable minutes of forced eavesdropping while confined to a car during which an argument ensued about what time my co-worker would be home that night. “I mean what a bitch!” he said, looking to me for agreement knowing I had overheard the whole thing. I mustered some kind of nonverbal gesture that I think indicated “Well, that’s wives for you!” (It was a painful gesture both physically and emotionally. I needed ice afterward. And gin.)
A few days later, another co-worker (out of the blue and with no pretense) told me how much of a bitch his wife was. I don’t remember reason but what struck me more was how matter-of-fact he was about it; like it was a normal thing to say. “Beautiful weather we’re having and my wife is a bitch.”
Then not a day later yet another co-worker chimes in with his assessment of the woman he supposedly loves. But this wasn’t a verbal “My wife is a bitch”, this was the “on-the-phone, rolling-the-eyes-hand-mimicking-yapping” gesture followed by the “love-you-too-hang-up-exasperated grunt-into-the-mouthpiece” gesture.
I’ve known these three co-workers for less than a month, yet they seem to perceive some kind of universal male experience that involves married men calling our wives “bitches”.
It certainly is a common cultural dynamic for men to express exasperation with married life when they’re around “the guys” (it’s stupid, but common), but calling your wife a “Bitch” goes well beyond the “Old Ball And Chain” sentiment (equally ignorant, but certainly less derisive).
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Most of the time, I’d rather be with my wife than doing anything else. Yes, I want time to myself and yes I want to go have a beer with my friends and yes at times she frustrates me to no end and I just don’t want to be in the same room with her (and vice versa!). But after twelve years, she is still the first person I want to be with at any given time. She is warm, emotional, sexy, stubborn, intelligent, and infuriating. And each trait makes her the person I fell in love with. So why the fuck would I intentionally put her down in front of anyone? I mean, I like my wife. A statement I’m not sure a man can make if he can so easily slur his wife in public (and behind her back). I don’t hear any of the married women in the office openly calling their husbands “dicks” (maybe they do but I don’t hear it).
Nobody knows what really goes on inside a marriage but the couple involved. So maybe name-calling is part of some couples’ dynamic and there is no real malice behind it. But why share it outside the home? Does a phone call at work from your wife embarrass you so much that you feel the need to deride her so you don’t look like a “pussy”?
Are we men still so fearful of showing vulnerability and emotion around each other that we hide behind the ridiculous notion that we have act unsatisfied with our marriages in order to be manly? Unfortunately, I’m guilty of it. I have reluctantly participated in “locker room” talk at the office because I want to be accepted. It’s peer pressure. It’s stupid. And I know it’s stupid. Yet I’ve done it and I will most likely do it again. Because quietly agreeing how hot “the chick from Harry Potter” has become (“AND she’s smart too!”… Like one precludes the other!) is fairly harmless in my little corner of the world. I’m not proud of it but I it’s something I could easily admit to my wife (and because she’s awesome she’d probably joke with me about it.) Could these co-workers tell their wives they told the office what “bitches” they were? You supposedly love this person but it doesn’t even seem as if you LIKE them!
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Marriage isn’t for the faint of heart. It is wonderful and awful and beautiful and ugly. And contrary to some goofy movements out there, it is not outdated and it does not run counter to some biological blueprint that tells us to fuck anything we can under the guise of survival of the bloodline. Marriage (or “Committed Relationships” for those of you who aren’t allowed to be married under the laws of our wonderful land that have been absurdly influenced by religious dogma…sorry that’s another tangent) is one of the characteristics that define our humanity. Joys are heightened and sorrows more quickly abated when that person we’ve found to share our lives with is there.
But maybe you married the wrong person. And maybe you have two young kids. You feel stuck. And resentful. And hateful. Does the prospect of divorce really sound worse than a life of misery and truly hating your spouse? Would you really rather look like a pathetic loser by calling your wife a “Bitch” and constantly griping about how awful marriage is and what you would do to the 23 year old receptionist if only you weren’t tied down? Because that’s how you come off when you act like that – pathetic. And you perpetuate the stereotype onto all of us making the convention harder to break.
I wish I had the courage to go against that convention more forcibly. But lucky for me, I’m able to go home each night to my best friend and share all the stupid details of my day, including a discussion on how hot Maggie Smith is now. Or…wait…was he talking about Emma Watson?
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Sadly, men in the US are acculturated into hating women, despising what is feminine, and living in fear of being caught actually liking any woman not considered F*able – (and then, smearing any woman who is willing to sleep with them.). It really isn’t like this in other places – one other way the US is #1.
I guess there are some advantages to being more of a social loner because I have not experienced men calling their wife a bitch. That just sounds so harsh and disrespectful. If things are that bad, get out of the marriage and otherwise just saying “I’m really pissed at my wife” does quite well. My wife is my best friend and I love spending time with her.
You are not alone. But we are short in number from what I have seen.
People find it weird that I spend 90% of my weekends with my wife. She is my best friend and my conscience. Why would I not like (and love) her?
I’m with you mate! It’s a pretty big thing in the industry I work in to bignote yourself, brag about the girls you ‘banged on the weekend’ and get celebrated for the quantity of booze you can consume, then vomit and keep consuming. Heroes, the lot of them. I love my wife, and I like my wife. If I had to chose only one person to spend the rest of my life with, it would be her. Or did I already make that vow once before? There is an expectation among men to be of a certain demeanor, and it’s… Read more »
I simply don’t like to call my husband when he is at work except for some urgency. I like to respect he is at work and give him the space he needs. It is always uncomfortable for both of us to say “you are my life you are my everything, I love u, I love u more, etc” in front of our peers at work.
I realize I’m very late to the conversation, but I wanted to say thanks for writing this. I love my wife, and not just in some friendly, diplomatic way. I always feel I have to keep that a secret; as if I were doing something wrong…almost as if I’m sinning against the brotherhood for not thinking she’s a bitch. Yes, women do often complain about their husbands at work (in fact, I was under the impression they did so more than husbands do)…but the difference is they don’t sound like they hate their husbands. Most of the guys I’ve known… Read more »
I praised my ex-wife to everyone I knew. Praised her everyday. Tools her I love all the time. Apparently she wasn’t doing the same about me and left me for another man.
I will praise my future wife again one day regardless. If that day ever happens 🙁
I’ll never understand it either. Of course, *I* had to figure it out the hard way, and divorce the person that I’d married (figured it out after 10 years together, but only 3 of those years were married). I sincerely believe that I had to find out just how BAD marriage could be before I could truly appreciate just how GOOD it can be. If you’re not happy, make the effort to fix it. My (now) wife is just as imperfect as I am, but I appreciate *everything* about her, and I truly want to share everything and every moment… Read more »
Meeghan
He sounds just like my ex who went behind my back to everyone he could putting me down to make himself look good and and I had no clue, not for over a year! Look up narcissism and get out of this toxic relationship before he destroys your soul! They never change trust me, my life is 100% better now and I now have peace of mind which I lost when I was with him! Run don’t walk
Steve, All I can say is that I wish more men were like you. I don’t know why it feels it’s become more common or the social norm to put down your spouse to other, or so-called chime in on “bitch fests” but I’ve never understood it. I love my husband and while we should’ve spent this last year in our honeymoon phase, it was anything but. I never took to bashing him to other around me, I always faked a smile even on the most imperfect days, but learning of his bashing of me to family and friends throughout… Read more »
What is in the heart comes out of the mouth and defiles, says the Bible. In other words when the man is disrespecting his wife in public, on the phone to friends, in front of his children, or within earshot of the wife he is supposed to love and cherish unto death, it becomes the reality of what he already is in his own heart. He reaps what he is sowing. If he is afraid of divorce because HE will look bad to others, then he controls the situation and outcome through emotional abuse, and projects the lie that it’s… Read more »
I loved almost everything about this article except for the use of “pussy” as a derogatory statement (even if you used air bunnies) wham an anatomy of a female is used in a derogatory fashion that is in essense saying g that women are inferior to men thus deserving less respect.
It’s not a simple positive/negative thing. Sometimes, in some contexts, it’s okay and even good to complain a little to your friends. Depends on who’s there and what the situation is. In the workplace? No way. My friends like my hubby and think I made a good choice. They probably think I’m blinded by how much I love him, in fact. But, if I only said positive things all the time, they’d get a little suspicious and think I was compensating for something. We talk about what we’re feeling and what we’re going through, and that’s just about everything, both… Read more »
Thank you. Love the article. Laughed hard at the Maggie Smith comment.
I understand letting steam go but its a dangerous slope for most. I read another article that said if you aren’t willing to say this when they are standing there then you yourself are creating the problem becuase you’ll always view them this way and they will likely be none the wiser until it becomes a major problem. I see it as a major marrige killer and it certainly isn’t respectful to your partner or your marrige vows. Sadly it also does nothing to acknowledge the emotion you are truely feeling, which might be frustration or simply feeling unappreciated for… Read more »
My wife is my best friend, since the day we met ( we were seriously one of those how do we only know each other for a few days friendships). I have aknown a few people who did the “my wife’s a bitch” act. I said in no uncertain terms, “then fix it, find out where you are wrong fix that talk to her about what you need, and if you can’t fix it then do what you have to to make yourselves happy” i say the same to women who refer to their husbands as “the asshole” or the… Read more »
I don’t hear any of the married women in the office openly calling their husbands “dicks” (maybe they do but I don’t hear it). Dear sir, this happens. The massage industry is 80% female and 20% male, though this ratio wasn’t reflected in my class. We had four men to start, and two of them dropped the program. One evening, just before class, my husband did something exasperating. I don’t even remember what it was. What I do remember is that, when I got to class, I was so irritated, that I blurted it out. I’ve done this concerning friends,… Read more »
Love you, just plain and simple , love you. Wish I could bottle your genes and clone you…. Enjoy your marriage its a wonderful place to be. Brag about your wife, you will feel good despite the assholes around you and continue to have a wonderful life. Shes a lucky woman.
My wife and I recently went on holiday with another couple to Amsterdam. Lewis, the guy in the other relationship was telling his co-worker that he was going to Amsterdam and the co-worker couldn’t believe that he was going with his girlfriend. Lewis explained that he was going with his girlfriend and a married couple. The co-worker couldn’t get his head around the fact that we boys would like to spend time with our wives and girlfriends. “Ah, right,” he said. “You boys gonna ditch the girls together, then. Good idea.”
I truly, truly do not understand this. As a woman, I not only often get men complaining about their wives to me in passing at work, but I also hear men *very often* complaining about “drawing the short straw” and having to pick up their kids from school, or casually expressing that their wives are gone and they’re “stuck” with their children over the weekend. Now, the sincerity varies – some of these guys, I can tell that they love their families more than anything and that’s supposed to be obvious to everyone, but they still SAY it, and it… Read more »
I love my wife. Dearly. I love her deeply. I work at a car dealership with a bunch of divorced testosterone, and I’m pretty sure I’m an oddity. There’s married fellas there too, and one or two actually love their wives, I think, or at least get along with them. But I hear the ragging on the ladies, and it disappoints me. I wonder, upon hearing one of their divorce stories, if their exes were really bitches, or if they became bitches from being married to jerks. Neither being a bitch nor being a jerk is justified, but it becomes… Read more »
I would NEVER disrespect my wife like that in front of ANYBODY. I’ve been married for 18 years and would never even think of disparaging my wife in front of coworkers or friends, much less random strangers. I love her and like her and love spending time with her, and have no problems letting everyone know that. Yes, there have been some times when I’ve said some angry things about her–in absolute privacy where nobody else could possibly hear me. And there have been times when I’ve criticized my wife to confidants, but even then I would never call her… Read more »
That’s awesome! I agree, why hang around someone like that? I would never hang around women who constantly put their husbands down, but in the same breath want him to give them the world!!
Early in my dating relationship with my now husband, we had moved in together and for the first time ever, he did my laundry. He’s not a fancy man, so I’m pretty sure he didn’t even know what a delicate cycle was, and I’m also pretty sure he had ever looked for care instructions on the tag. And so, most of the clothing was either stretched or shrunk into something that I couldn’t wear. I told this story to some ladies at work, and they said to me “I bet you gave him an earfull.” I had to stop, and… Read more »
I’ve been doing my wife’s laundry for a few years now, and I’ve learned a few things. I’m thankful she’s been patient, and thankful for women like you. She has had a few pink-ified blouses due to my efforts, but she learned to give me specific instructions, and I learned not to put red socks in with white blouses… 😛
This article made me smile. 🙂
Ultimately, the person who has the final say about what’s appropriate is the person you’re talking about behind her back. If you keep it a secret from her that you’re calling her a bitch behind her back, then that should be a clue. If you’re not sure you should be calling her a bitch at work, then why not just ask her? It’s like the old rule about cheating – if you’re keeping something a secret, that’s a clue all by itself. People outside the relationship don’t have the authority to say what you’re doing is cheating or not, and… Read more »