The man she loved broke her heart by seeking comfort from another woman. Here’s how she healed.
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When I took my vows, I meant every word of them. The problem was somewhere along the line, my husband forgot his and chose to have an affair. I had several options: I could divorce him and become a statistic, fall apart and attack him in the same manner, or remember the vows we took and be there for him when the time came.
Some days were harder than others for me to handle.
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Many called me stupid for choosing the latter. However, I knew the man I married. He was not a perpetual cheater. I knew his heart well enough to know he was going through a crisis, that he loved our son and me, and that he would need us.
So yes, I stood by my husband while he cheated on me, but according to my vows and faith, it was the right thing do. I had a very strong support system to help me with my decision. Still, it was not easy. I cried many tears and dealt with a lot of negativity and abuse from him. It was his way of pushing me away. He was ashamed of who he had become.
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Some days were harder than others for me to handle, but I just stood strong and knew in my heart he would be coming home soon. The toughest part for me was not the other woman, but seeing the gentle soul of a man that I married turning into an empty shell of a man. Again, he knew he had done wrong, yet he did not know how to get out of it.
Then the day came when the phone rang. He wanted me to come get him. Without judgment or emotions, I asked where he was and brought him home.
Road to Recovery
There was marriage counseling, individual counseling, and the entire mambo jumbo that the professionals recommend for repairing a marriage. However, what they did not prepare my husband for was how to handle the pain he saw in my eyes.
Yes, we were back together and used many tools to help build a stronger union. Nonetheless, I was hurting, and the pain was visible every time he looked into my eyes.
I knew our marriage could be restored, the trust rebuilt, but I needed his help to reassure me our marriage was safe. No matter how many times he apologized, or how humbled he was, it did not matter. I had been through a devastating event and could not handle it. Healing would take time, and his affair had left me with scarred.
The professionals did not have the answers for the pain and hurt I felt. Therefore, we were on our own. What we learned on our own is what saved our marriage and took the sadness from my eyes.
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1. Déjà vu – is a very common emotion and would happen when you least expect it. Your wife will forgive you and as the years pass, they do forget. But, occasionally something will trigger a memory from that period, and an overwhelming fear will overcome her. She will begin to think it is happening all again. And, that you are in contact with the other woman, or you have another woman.
Do not ignore her feelings; what she is feeling is real. Accept them and talk her through them. Reassure her that what she is feeling is false and if you know what triggered that Déjà vu moment, remove yourselves from the situation immediately.
2. Trust – it will return, but you need to be patient and understand that a bond between the two of you has been broken, and it needs rebuilding. DO NOT LIE or HIDE anything from her. Be open about everything–papers, cell phone, receipts, etc. If you are going to be late, call and let her know.
DO NOT give her a reason to go back down that disturbing memory lane. Yes, it may seem like you are getting the third degree, but remember you put yourself in that position. The more open and honest you are, the faster the trust is rebuilt.
3. Woo Her Again – just as you did when you first starting dating, you need to sweep her off her feet and make new memories. Those new memories will cover up the bad memories. Set aside one night a week for date night. Be spontaneous and surprise her with flowers or something she enjoys just because.
4. Love Letters – yes, send her a note, card or a just a sticky note expressing how much you love her. Writing those feelings down for her to read makes her feel good, but also reminds you why she is the woman you love.
I am not saying this is for everyone.
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5. Appreciate Her – remember, this woman stood by your side, during one of the lowest periods of your lives, so be thankful and appreciate her. Let her know she is appreciated. It takes a very special type of woman to believe so firmly in her man and marriage that she’s willing to go through a situation like this.
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Last but not least:
6. Renew Your Wedding Vows – unbeknownst to me one Sunday, my husband with the help from the pastor and friends, surprised me with a ceremony to renew our wedding vows. It was at that moment I realized an affair could not destroy our bond or love. Everything was going to be okay.
I am not saying this is for everyone, but marriage is a lifetime commitment. Making rash decisions because we are hurt does not solve anything. An affair does not have to end your marriage. With the help of professionals and the items listed above, our marriage survived. Today our love is deeper than ever, the trust rebuilt, and our bond is stronger than ever.
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Photo: Flickr/ smile_kerry
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While I am glad the author of this story is happier now and pleased with her decision, I have to agree with Penny about getting out. I tried it this way. Stupidly, more than once. But someone who would hurt others during a time of personal crisis is not dependable nor of good moral quality; certainly not a role model in terms of ethical conduct. I also think cheating is rarely a one-off because it’s a character flaw. In my experience, once that trust is broken, it is impossible–or nearly so for others, maybe–to get back. Every time he left… Read more »
Sorry….my advice for infidelity is run as fast as you can. I stuck it out for 3 years after his infidelity was discovered, just to have it happen again. 15 years of marriage with 2 kids, all the pain he inflicted the first time, the medical tests I had to endure due to the stress destroying my body. Hair loss, weight loss, chronic stomach pain. He watched it all with pain in his eyes, and did it again. Walking away is not “easier” as said above by another post…it’s actually the more difficult decision. I’ve been extremely fortunate to find… Read more »
I found out about a year ago that my husband had an emotional affair while working out of town. Dont ever let anyone tell you that emotional affairs dont matter or their damage is very real and brutal.I always told myself that if my hubby did that i would walk away and never look back. That was until the moment i was deal Ing with it face to face. I will tell you leaving was my initial reaction. The only reason I didn’t is I really didn’t have anywhere to go or the means to get me and my daughter… Read more »
Hi Maureen,
Thank you for sharing your story, inspiring to others for many different reasons. To me, you are a stunning example of what commitment looks like, and what belief looks like. I’m reminded about the value I get everyday from the woman who chose me and gave me everything she had.
Ant
Hi! Maureen, thank you for sharing your experience, it inspires me. I’m currently in the same crisis of our marriage and yet choosed to keep our vows, hoping that one day my husband will realized how important our family. But as you said days getting harder and hander to handle and sometimes loosing hope “sad”.
Ghie, I am so sorry to hear about your crisis, I am not going to sugar coat it and tell you things will get better over night because they do not. It takes time and a lot of work. Only you know the real man you married and if he is still that man and your marriage is important to you, then you have to bear the pain of holding it together till he comes to his senses. If you want your marriage to work do not give up ‘hope’. Hope can either be your friend or enemy. I chose… Read more »
I’m just curious if you felt you needed to do any soul searching as to why your husband may have stepped outside of the marriage? I feel that often times that part is forgotten and that if a person is not getting what they need, they may seek it somewhere else. I by no means am trying to blame you for the affair and he most certainly needs to take responsibility for his actions but I do think that aspect gets overlooked. I admire you for being able to stay! Not sure I would be strong enough to do the… Read more »
Amy, yes I did a lot of soul searching, but the key to his affair was not what was lacking or the desire for something new. He was in a crisis and did not know what had overcome him. It was not until I picked up on a few odd things that were not normal for him, that we were able to figure it out. It does not excuse him from his actions, but it explains them. I explain it in another article.
I admire you for sticking it out…I wish this could have been the case for us. Still, I am encouraged by your loyalty. Fortunate for you, your man humbled out and took responsibility. My ex prefers to take his secrets to the grave. Thank you for sharing your beautiful story of hope and healing…
Thank you Stephanie for your kind words. I am loyal to our marriage and always will be. I have a good husband.
Thank you Lisa for your kindness and I do not consider myself brave. I knew the heart of the man I married and I knew something was wrong. If it was not for our son, my faith and the support team that surrounded me, I never would of made it through it. Thankfully, I did and I have no regrets.
Oh, my god. Maureen, I wish I had had the benefit of your wisdom when I was young and still married. Instead, my divorce was one of my life’s biggest regrets. You were brave and demonstrated integrity. I respect your decision and admire your tenacity. Thank you for sharing your experience.
Maureen, to stand by yr husband in his affair, shows u are a stronge women, and STRONGE WOMEN SURVIVE!!!…..YR Faith is always with you, never loose it. You hold yr head up high, you did nothing wrong . ThankQ for sharing yr story, prayers are with you…