As your husband, I get why you want to spend so much time with our kids. But can’t you spend time with me, too?
Dear wives,
As a parent myself I can appreciate the feelings you have for your children. I get that there’s something so special about your children that you don’t want to miss a moment of their life. And I get that children fill a special place inside you that you never even knew was empty until your child filled it. Trust me, as a father, I really do get it. But can I ask you why you so often put your children before your husbands?
As a man I can’t begin to tell you how often I look around and see we husbands thrown under the bus for the sake of your (and our) children. Whenever I go to the park, for example, I can’t help but notice a wife with her children smiling and playing while her husband is standing to the side watching. And when her husband wants to spin them on the merry-go-round or push them on the swing his wife gets mad at him for spinning them too fast or pushing the swing too hard. It’s like he just can’t win. It’s apparent that he wants to join with his family and have a good time but the husband is being told ‘no’ and pushed aside. So he goes back to just watching them or playing on his smartphone only to be criticized for doing that, too.
Leave Some Time and Energy For Us
Another way I see wives put their children first before their husband is the way you wives run yourselves so ragged during the day trying to fill our children’s lives with activities and fun, etc. and then when we husbands finally get some alone time with you at night you have no energy left for us. Now please don’t get me wrong. I fully understand why you want to give your children all that you can possibly give. Believe me, as a parent I completely understand. I just don’t understand why it has to come at your husband’s expense.
As a marriage counselor, I can’t begin to tell you how many times I have seen a couple come into my office, sit on my couch and then hear the husband complain that their sex life has fallen through the floor. I then usually see the wife snap at him, scolding him for being so inconsiderate for even thinking about sex after she’s been running around with the kids all day and is so exhausted. The husband usually begins to tell her that it’s not about the sex and it’s more about the connection he wants to have with her because she’s been so pre-occupied with the children. But she snaps at him again saying that if he really wants to connect then he should do the dishes or help her with the kids more often. It’s almost like allowing your husband to connect with you is a chore that has to come in behind whatever the kids want.
Marital Satisfaction Decreases after Having Children
Research shows that there is a sharp decrease in marital satisfaction after children come along. I think I can see why. At least from a guys’ point of view, it would seem that that’s when women start de-prioritizing their marriage (and we husbands) and focus mostly on their children. It would seem that when children come along is when we your husbands become old news. I think I can speak for all the men out there and say that it doesn’t have to be this way. Our children will still grow up happy if they see that their mom and dad love each other – even if it means they miss a chance to talk to mom for a few minutes because she’s talking with dad.
As a marriage counselor, I can confidently say that you have to be a good spouse in order to truly be a good parent. Children look up to their parents in so many ways as an example. They look to their parents to see how they handle difficulties. They look to their parents to see how they navigate through stress. They see their parents as examples and try to imitate what they see their parents do in hopes that they will learn from them and learn how to have the same successes that their parents have. But children also look to their parents as an example of what a healthy marriage looks like. And when we husbands are being left out, or when we husbands are being put on the back-burner this is not a good example and it certainly isn’t teaching our children what a healthy relationship is.
In the end, I get that you love your children. And believe me, we men love our children too. And even though we may tolerate them having more bumps and bruises and allow them to take more risks (like jumping off a roof onto a trampoline) we still are deeply invested in their happiness and helping them to be successful, competent adults. We also love you as our wives. We love you because you’re the one that we married and we want to spend time with you. We love our kids, too. Can’t we have both?
Photo Credit: Flickr/ lorenkerns
Honestly, I think that a woman should put her husband before her children. I know it sounds mean, but if you put your children before your husband, you run the risk of your children not just becoming self-centered idiots in the long-run who can do no wrong, but you also risk divorce. Women need to learn how to be more realistic in marriage, realistically people now-a-days don’t know how to raise children. Our society is becoming more and more narcissistic as time goes on, and I know that half the reason has to do with the fact that people are… Read more »
Infact this issues have cost me my Mental health
Let’s make this simple: you want to get laid, don’t be a pisshead, help out your wife, cook, clean, watch your kids, pay bills, get a high-paying job (since you SO WANTED kids, a spouse, a house, private school for them, cars, and retirement fund, YOU WORK FOR THAT) and sew, and ignore the fact that she doesn’t look like she did at age 18. You will have a much better chance then. Having kids is CHOICE, people. Stop complaining and deal with it. If you chose two jobs instead of one, I would give you that look if you… Read more »
Numerous men in fact do all of those things and still get cut off from any intimacy from their woman.
This article hits SO close to home. I am in a similar situation as the author described. I keep coming back to this article and reading the comments. I can’t help but feel resentful to the comments from women here who feel this article is one sided. My wife and I are older parents of a 5 yr old. We both work full time, share in the pick-up and drop- off duties at preschool, SHARE in the parenting duties (bath nights, bedtime duties, cooking meals), day to day operation of the house-I do more of the cleaning and laundry lately,… Read more »
Dan, if you share and do your part, please see that the comments from women here are not for you. Their comments are for the men (or women, it does not matter the gender of both involved) who do not share, who leave most house work/child care for their wives while they clearly SHOULD be doing their part.
Children are a the choice of the parents. The children do not get a choice. As a result of this choice, the parents have signed up to do the best they can for the children and make choices based on agreement. In a perfect world, on parent would tend the children and one would provide the resources; in this way there may well be time for the couple as it should be. Agreed that women should NOT discourage the father’s involvement – the often more rough and tumble is a nice change of pace. Speak privately and kindly and no… Read more »
oops. “Should NOT be demanding…”
Hiya. I wrote out a more lengthy response on my own blog (link follows), but in short, I agree with a lot of the commentators here when they say that this post reeks of entitlement and self-centered privilege flexing.
http://feministdad.tumblr.com/post/63798656184/an-open-letter-to-the-selfish-entitled-men-of-the
Angry women above, is this situation not of your own making? I watch women exclude their ‘incapable’ husbands at a very early stage in parenting, I hear them complain to each other endlessly about his intimate ‘demands’ (the baby’s only a year old for chrissakes), I see them thrive on the moral superiority of taking on everything, competing with their friends in the exhausted and burnt-out stakes, competing even in the ‘whose husband is most useless’ stakes as well. Inserting the children, using them to block off an HONEST assessment of what you give – and are prepared to take… Read more »
Bingo, and well said. What I find really interesting is that all of the incredibly emotional responses from the ladies above put across the notion that they are living in some sort of hell everyday with their children, whilst hubby is just having the time of his life in utopia at work. This debate seems to mirror the “oppression Olympics” that we see in other male/female topics here. The second a man tries to say exactly what is on his mind, all hell breaks loose because of course, the wife has it far worse. The way some of the above… Read more »
Pete, I get what your saying. Often times I believe men truly do want to be honest and they want to reflect their honest opinion without criticism so they can be heard and hopefully have a more fulfilling relationship. And sometimes they are met with criticism, disagreement, frustration or stone-walling from the woman they are in a relationship with. Asking women to listen better is a fair request. However, being on the other side, I have to say that sometimes it seems men are less open to a woman having a response to the situation or the man’s honesty. It’s… Read more »
Erin, this is true. Anyone who wants to reason this truth away with idealistic notions of how it “should be”, will find nothing but frustration in their relationship. ” From what I’ve heard and experienced, men can use sex and intimacy as a stress reliever and sometimes it’s easy for men to put aside their problems for the time they want to enjoy sex. For women, those problems and pressures are still running through her head so it makes it hard for her to enjoy sex. ” Women (in general) want men to GIVE to them the feelings that make… Read more »
Women (in general) want men to GIVE to them the feelings that make them feel romantic and sensual. They want this FIRST before FEELING motivated to give him what he wants. I don’t know Steve, to me, this is a different conversation then what i was talking about. I am specifically talking about when there is a disagreement in the relationship and a woman feeling less inclined toward sex because that problem is still in her way, where as men seem to be able to more easily push the problem aside for sex. She is not willfully trying to control… Read more »
To me woman are made to control our Emotional affair but when they don’t manage it well they eventually loose it to another woman outside the marriage
No, that would be the same to me if the sexes were reversed. But what we have is NOT someone willing to trade your favor for sex. Stop reading it like that. Yes, sex is not something to be given, and something both should enjoy. Now try to be extremely exhausted everyday while not feeling sexy or attractive and have enough energy to put out. Not many people can in a consistent way. That is just common sense, and what is being mentioned. Now add to that not having your own husband/wife helping you out, someone who believes that only… Read more »
First, you are assuming women have more work because they are the ones pushing their men away. But that is not what happens most of the times. Second, you believe everything is only about the parenting, but in fact many women are also not helped at home, with the housework. Third, that is not exactly about blame, but about pointing out what many women see is going wrong in their lives. No, they have not stop loving their husband because of that, in fact they are still loving their husbands while at it; while feeling mentally and physically exhausted as… Read more »
I’ve thought about this more now and have thoughts to add.. My knee-jerk reaction is this sounds an awful lot like a spoilt whining teenage child and if my husband ever comes to me with this load of malarkey while I’m running on empty with a cranky teething baby and too-smart-for-his-own-good 4 1/2 year old… I’m going to hand him both kids and walk out the door for the evening and go out for the sushi I’ve been wanting to eat since before being pregnant with our last kiddo. He can put them to bed! When I got back he’d… Read more »
I have to say this article brings up many good points from a husband’s perspective. It is one-sided but I think it needs to be and I don’t think that detracts from the article. I think a husband and wife that work well together can counter-act the kids taking over their whole lives. Now I’m not gonna lie, I’m not married (but I am with a wonderful man) and I don’t have kids, but I had an excellent example of parents in my own. Unfortunately, my father passed in a plane crash when I was eight, but from what I… Read more »
It’s not particularly complicated. During their younger years, men use women for sex (or mainly for sex), the contrary becomes true later on, and women use men for children. Once a woman has had children, nothing is more important, nothing comes close to their priority. Including their husband. Nothing will ever change that. Newsflash: your wife is in the EXACT same situation. But is she online writing a big, long rant about her lack of attention? No. She’s probably taking care of the children as he writes. The answer to this article is in the question. The author has TOLD… Read more »
Though well intentioned, this article is full of sexism.. and smacks of someone who has never spent several days straight caring for small children and a household.
Also… become irresistible and tease her in a sexy way. See if she responds. Flowers are always good. Just romanticize and seduce her and don’t give in. Also watch her cycles. Ovulation should make her want to be more frisky. Give her space when her hormones are driving her nuts (PMS). You have no idea what it’s like but let me tell you, it’s like waking up wanting to kill people. So give her space and let stuff slide. Be affectionate and attentive to her needs and she will give it all back to you. It’s what women do. We… Read more »
I can’t relate… Seems like a bunch of married people not communicating with each other or something. If you want sex from your excellent, but exhausted wife… find a romantic and creative way of letting her know. For instance… tell her how much you appreciate her and how attracted you are to her. Tell her that you are happy you chose such a good mother for your children, etc. Find your own words to say what you want to tell her. Buy her flowers. Give her a back rub. The more you give, the more you get. And give this… Read more »
This is sincerely write, but I agree with most of the feedback. The stereotype I do disagree with though is the one about when the women scold the husband for rough play, warning that the kid might fall over. Ive seen this. God I’ve experienced this. My dad pushed me really fast once when he was trying to teach me how to ride a bike. I fell off and chipped my tooth. I cried and it hurt. My mum scolded him for that. But she ALSO chipped my tooth by sending me too high on a sea saw. My point… Read more »
What we have here is a failure to communicate. Before a couple has a child or children, they should talk about a variety of things that change and decisions that should be made together. Whether it’s agreeing on things like how to discipline kids or how involved both parents expect to be or how to keep the relationship working for both parties, these are all things that need to be talked about. One big reason my marriage died a slow, silent death was that my ex and I didn’t have those conversations and my ex shut down and wouldn’t talk… Read more »
Hi Jimmy,
Looking back, have you discovered a few things that were at the root of her unhappiness?
If not, what do you THINK they were?
A lot of guys get some clarity at this point after divorce. I know I did.
Agree! Time and energy do little for desire and attraction when there are other factors at work…which there usually are.
Her take was that it was my frustration with the kids and my using corporal punishment that was the root of her unhappiness. My theory is different because of what she told me with regards to the timing of her unhappiness. She was a stay at home mom for 8 years until our financial situation got to the point where she had to go back to work. She says she became unhappy right about the time that she went back to work. So, I think it was a combo platter of the financial mess that we were in (and she… Read more »
Honestly can’t see this happening unless more men take on more if the domestic responsibilities. Speaking from experience if my husband had helped me more I would have been more than happy to make more time for him. Unfortunately it just didn’t happen
Hi Hilary, What you’re talking about is VERY common with a lot of couples. The truth is, love shouldn’t be a tit for tat nor should it be a negotiation. In other words, “If you help with the kids, I’ll love you more” is a tit for tat negotiation that shouldn’t be in a marriage. As a husband, I don’t want my wife’s love for me contingent on how well I provide or how much I contribute to the childcare. I want my wife to love me no matter what. Now, If I don’t do my share of childcare or… Read more »
Love is contingent on continuing to make your partner feel loved. The book The 5 Love Languages was a really interesting read on how to make sure your partner feels loved. Some people feel loved when people do acts of service (like the dishes!!!) for them. Many others don’t need their partner to do acts of service. I am big on personal time and physical touch. Thankfully my girlfriend is the same way, so it’s easy for each of us to make the other one feel loved. Challenging relationships are when the primary love languages are very different as people… Read more »
a fine post
Hi Aaron, I think you make a good point in your piece. But I also get what Hilary is saying. It’s one thing to say, “I will only love you if you do take out the garbage.” It’s another thing to have a spouse not helping or always having to be asked to help, and the other spouse growing increasingly tired both emotionally and physically. Don’t get me wrong, I think you have some fair points. I do think the couple, the marriage, should actually come first, before the children. Because only then will both adults have the fuel needed… Read more »
I think many people eventually reach a point in life where there are more obligations than hours in the day. Some people deal with this by working late, bringing it home, etc. Others are able to work till 5, organize things and leave them till they return to work in the morning and pick up where they left off. But that’s work and for many people it’s not completely under their control. I think people are reluctant to admit when they have greater control over these issues at home. Also that some of these burdens at home are self-imposed. Continually… Read more »
Hi Erin, The solution is to realize that these two things are mutually exclusive. You can still love your husband AND make time for him even if he doesn’t pull his own weight in the relationship. If he doesn’t pull his own weight that’s another problem that can (and needs to) be addressed. But your love doesn’t have to be contingent on the amount of work he does around the house. That’s about as objectifying as a man making his love contingent on the amount of sex he gets. As for how does a woman make time for everything she… Read more »
Aaron, yes you can still love your husband and make time for him even if he doesn’t pull his own weight. I could argue that you can still love your husband and be angry, annoyed or whatever at him too. I do not believe that most women’s love is contingent on what he does around the house. I think most women simply feel more appreciated and valued when they see their man putting in effort around the house. In general, when you do not feel you are being valued or appreciated, you can still love that person but there are… Read more »
In general, when you do not feel you are being valued or appreciated, you can still love that person but there are still some underlying feelings going on.
And this, of course, goes both ways.
Thank you Erin and Aaron for a thoughtful conversation.
Aaron, I was further thinking about this topic and wanted to add something else. You suggested that women who have a hard time juggling everyhing read books by the “plenty of very successful/busy women out there wh are able to juggle everything”. I don’t believe you were purposely trying to shame women who can’t infact juggle everything like these other women but it nonetheless comes off that way. Other then teh fact that not all women are capable of doing the same things, neither should it be expected that they should be able to, if my partner was having a… Read more »
Hilary was not talking about love. Of course it is not a negotiation. She didn’t say anything about feelings. What she was talking about is that, many times, there’s no energy (for sex, that is the man’s complaint in the article) left when you are putting most of the effort. Be it cause of physical or/and mental exhaustion. It can be stress as well, and people react to all of that differently. If men (or women) help more (in the case of the man in the article, he is not helping), both will be feeling with more energy left for… Read more »
Aaron, I agree with what you’re saying here. “tit for tat” ….. I washed 10 dished and you only washed 5. In the 38 years I’ve been married, my wife and I never celebrated what either of us did or didn’t do, we simply did what we did. Of course one of the differences is that my wife didn’t work outside the home. LOL, look at how PC that was?!?! Rather then simply saying she didn’t work, I’ve given into the PCness and said “work outside the home.” So strike that earlier comment, my wife didn’t work. Maybe that’s part… Read more »
I’m getting the nails ready because someone’s going to want to crucify you for that one! Stay at home work, much of which is self-imposed and doesn’t pay the mortgage must be considered just at stressful and important as the work that pays the mortgage.
@ Getting… This is not toward you as much as it is a so called preemptive strike in anticipation. Being a stay at home mom or dad is not work, it’s life, it’s raising a family and by not calling it “work” is not diminishing it in any way shape or form. It doesn’t diminish it’s importance or value. Why does it have to be categorized as “work?” So the spouse who works and goes home and takes care of his/her family is working twice? One is part time and one is full time? Is this what we’ve come to?… Read more »
If you didn’t take care of small children and a household full time.. how do you know it wasn’t a crap-ton of very real work? Did you think your wife sat on her tush and ate bon-bons watching soaps while the kids fed themselves bits off the carpet and the dishes washed themselves? Your words ring like someone who never spent 48 hours straight with two very small children…particularly not a colicky infant and 3 year old. I’ll tell you what. I don’t get to “clock out” at 5 and put my feet up! If child-rearing isn’t work, why do… Read more »
@ Speaking… As I mentioned, I never said that staying home taking care of the kids can’t be stressful at times. And to address my potentially never taking care of the kids for 48 hours straight, I have done so but I didn’t do it without my wife and our doing it together. I simply struggle with parenting being a “job.” If parenting is a “job” then being a spouse is a “job” and for that matter the single person has a “job” because he/she has to go home and tend to personal matters. Grandparent , like my wife and… Read more »
In other words, you never picked up your half of the stick. You handed it all to your wife and only were with the kids when it was “fun” to be.. You got to do the lovey, dopey, fun parts and then wonder why someone would refer to raising children as the very real job that it is. Actually, it is a lot of work to raise children and keep up a house. A lot. In the social contract it is also not optional. I hope you never whined like this author or your wife was doing you a disservice… Read more »
It’s not just man-children that are incredibly unattractive.
@Speaking … I don’t think you and I are too far apart about this. My thing is I guess a matter of semantics. I don’t see parenting as a “job” but it is a major responsibility and is much harder then many “jobs.” Our priority were the kids, I couldn’t have cared less if the house was meticulous or not. The kids were well taken care of. We never had the kind of house (and still don’t)that anyone would feel uncomfortable being in. The kitchen was the gathering place so if it was my wife or me, at the end… Read more »
Do you remember that stay at home parents are not only raising their kids, but doing the household chores? Yes, your wife did it all for you, right? That is the “work” part. Also, staying with kids for too long (what you never did, as you stated) can also be work – not being the parent itself, but the time and effort put into it.
That is work. And a work your wife unfortunately will never be recognized for by her own husband.
Hilary was not talking about love. Of course it is not a negotiation. She didn’t say anything about feelings. What she was talking about is that, many times, there’s no energy (for sex, that is the man’s complaint in the article) left when you are putting most of the effort. Be it cause of physical or/and mental exhaustion. It can be stress as well, and people react to all of that differently. If men (or women) help more (in the case of the man in the article, he is not helping), both will be feeling with more energy left for… Read more »
I wonder whether the author is married? I’m really surprised to see such a one sided, almost stereotypical portrayal of marriage. I’m might not be a counselor, but I do know that once we had a child, we both got pretty overextended and had far less time with each other. The only reason we can eke out a little romantic interest in each other at all is because we both contribute significantly to child care and around the house. On top of it, we still had to get some hired help a few hours a week – not an insignificant… Read more »
Hi Rdr,
I get what you are saying. And there’s no question to me that the kids should come first. But I think what the author is trying to say is that putting the kids first shouldn’t mean that everything else, relationship-wise, can be nudged off the list altogether.
And in my experience, I’ve rarely seen a parent “fine and frisky” while the partner s stressed and exhausted. They are usually both busy running “Family, inc.” to the best of their ability. It’s just that they usually have different abilities.
I am a mother with two kids, ages 3 and 9 months, and I live with their father. I also work a full time, very demanding job which provides 75% of the household income. Therefore, if I’m not working the family would be destitute. Because we have two kids in daycare there is only one car so my day I’d like this… 5:00am – wake up. Take my shower, do my hair, iron or clothes. 6:00am – Baby wakes up and is hungry so I feed baby and get her dressed for the day. 6:30am – fix breakfast sandwiches and… Read more »
Good thing he left you. He is not worth it. Now you have 8ams and 5pms free to get a real man, plus, less laundry.
Agree with Paula. You’re better off without him if he can’ pull his weight. I wish you well and hope you find a man who deserves you. But this article did not defend HIM. The article is more about the millions of good men out there who share the schedule at least 50% and still get treated like a second class citizen, bottom of the lister. I’ve met dozens of these men. When their wives continuously decide/choose to ignore him and joining him in the respectful and intimate relationship he deserves I say the same thing. Let her out the… Read more »
Unbelievable and your better off without him.
Stereotypes happen for a reason. I also talk to dozens of men with the exact same issues. Many of them “stereotypically” have expectations for sex and romance while not pulling their weight. Many of them pull their weight and THEN some and still experience distance and disinterest from their wives. Helping out with the chores can create time – not desire. More time usually results in something else getting moved up the list long ahead of emotional intimacy and sex. Both parents can choose to put their marriage on equal level with the kids and choose to remember the needs… Read more »
Hi Steve,
Helping out with the chores can create time – not desire. More time usually results in something else getting moved up the list long ahead of emotional intimacy and sex.
Thanks for spelling this out!
A man can work harder at understanding her physical and emotional demands and take his intimate and sexual needs … at this point, my mind was prepared to read “… somewhere else.” 🙂
Wasn’t there a study that proved men who do help out more at home, do spend more time in traditionally female gender role positions of childcare vs being at work….get less sex?
Not in our house 🙂
“Helping out with the chores can create time – not desire. More time usually results in something else getting moved up the list long ahead of emotional intimacy and sex.”
Yup. Two things have to happen:
1. Equal commitment to the family (various roles not necessarily mirroring each other)
2. Prioritization of the good stuff that makes marriages work- our little angels can do one less activity a month, we can skip a solo social opportunity- apply those savings of time and money to doing stuff with your spouse.
Hi Rdr, I actually am married if that helps you understand the article any better. The point I am trying to make in the article isn’t that kids aren’t important. They most certainly are important. The point is that wives seem to catch themselves up in children and forget about their husbands – they even often forget about themselves for that matter. Both of these are not healthy. Children are important, but when a spouse is letting things come between them and their spouse (this includes children) that’s usually a sign of something else going on. And you’re also right… Read more »
I think you gloss over different reactions to stress. Some people can put it into better perspective than others. Also, it shuts down some libidos and revs up others.
Hi, Thanks for your response, and I re-read your article with a more open mind, having read your, and others’, comments. It’s a pretty good question: Why do some wives let the kids become the overriding force in their lives, to the exclusion of all else? Thinking more about it, one deep fear that many women have is that the romance fizzles once kids come along. So it’s not like the women just “let” this happen or that this is the natural state of things. I know that if I’m pissed off at my husband, or feeling a build up… Read more »
A lot of what you say is so very true and unfortunately I had to experience that first hand to understand this. But I think couples must have a solid foundation of a relationship first before throwing children in the mix. In my case, the ground was already shaky when I fell pregnant, so when my son came along and filled that gap that I never knew I had, I was only too happy to focus my efforts on my child, rather than deal with my then husband, who to me had become a child himself that needed looking after.… Read more »
ummmm good way to increase time with your wife is spend time with the kids WITH HER, it reduces the time she HAS to take, then you can have an honest discussion about personal time together…
That’s a good idea, actually, M.J.O. But don’t forget to carve out alone time together, too. It’s important to be a couple, too – not just a family.
“As your husband, I get why you want to spend so much time with our kids. But can’t you spend time with me, too?” …. Funny thing is that this could have been easily switched to my wife writing the letter to me as well as me to her. In our case though, our kids were a major part of our lives and now having them grown and out of the house, we’re really glad we spent the time we did with them. We’ve been empty nesters now for maybe 7 years now and my wife and I have thoroughly… Read more »