Dear Boyfriend,
Everything seems to have resurfaced tonight —again. I don’t think you have any idea how horrible it makes me feel to realize that not only was she a big part of your life, but that she is still in it.
I have tried, an incalculable amount of times, to leave the past where it belongs — in the past.
No matter what I do, my heart feels like it’s gets broken over and over again.
I want to be strong and forget what’s happened between you two. I want to love you with everything that is within me — but sometimes it hurts so bad. I start thinking about how much longer I can take this, and that hurts even more. I’m sitting here, with tears running down my face, and all I can think about is how I don’t want to be alone right now.
It hurts so bad tonight.
I want to call you and ask you if I can come back over.
After everything we’ve been through and every stupid thing we fought about — I thought I had to learn to just deal with it.
Finding out that you had plans to marry this girl, who lived in your fucking house for a year into our relationship, shatters my heart into unidentifiable pieces. You have to believe me when I say that I want so much to forgive you and move on with our relationship. I have not been allowed to heal or forget anything. It’s almost impossible to do when the wound keeps getting reopened time and again.
I want to stop hurting, and I want this to stop hurting me even more.
I don’t know what to think. I don’t know what to do. Tell me what to do. I honestly do not want to imagine my life without you in it. I want to fight for the love we have and by no means have to consider separation as a solution to our problems. I love you. And quite frankly, you would be a fool to let me go.
I sometimes think about how different things would be if I had met you a little later down the road. I even wish sometimes that we had met after you had moved out of that house. But if there is anything I’ve learned in my life that I am entirely sure of, it’s that things happen for a reason. Plain and simple. We came into each other’s lives for a reason, and if I ever think that our time is up, please prove me wrong because I would be the same kind of fool to let you go.
. . .
Addendum: I see it now (how I ended up here), twenty years later. I was young, incredibly naive, and my boundaries were non-existent with my ex. I dated him all through his ex-girlfriend living with him, for fucksake. If the most muscley man showed up at my doorstep today with roses (and morals) and proceeded to tell me that his ex-girlfriend still lived with him but that it wasn’t a problem, I would pass — hard. This is all so painful to look back at. But essential for me to continue on my journey of healing myself. I am not riddled with the question, why did he think this was okay, but WHY did I accept it?
. . .
Thank you for your love and support through my healing journey. You Are Loved. ❤
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This post was previously published on Recycled.
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