By Button Poetry
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Andrea Gibson, performing at the Fine Line Music Cafe in Minneapolis, MN.
Transcript provided by YouTube:
00:07
[Applause]
00:08
[Music]
00:10
y’all the first time the very first time
00:13
I did a show with button it was so hot
00:16
in the room that when I when I got the
00:19
videos there I saw the videos it
00:21
literally looked like I had jumped into
00:23
a swimming pool and then got up on stage
00:26
and read poems like I just crawled off
00:28
the diving board or something and and
00:31
and and tonight I and so when I was
00:34
coming here tonight I thought god I hope
00:36
it’s not hot and and look look what
00:40
happened although it seems to have
00:41
warmed up just a tiny bit is that just
00:43
because I’m on stage are you all won
00:45
some of you are wearing those you know
00:48
Midwest jackets that are you know they
00:52
look like sleeping bags which is like
00:56
its own you know pick up line thank you
01:03
for being here I love this city it’s the
01:10
first place I ever had a panic attack on
01:12
the microphone so whenever I come back
01:15
here I just keep waiting for it to
01:17
happen again which it might and that
01:19
will just be its own visual art I’m
01:24
gonna start or I’m gonna attempt to
01:26
start gently and then move on to
01:29
screaming about Trump though I don’t
01:39
remember I remember my birth was my
01:42
first yes the what was pushed yes that
01:45
there was screaming yes the light hurt
01:47
yes I wanted the yes to last forever so
01:50
badly later on I told myself were built
01:53
like drums we couldn’t make songs that
01:55
we hadn’t been hit it was a desperate
01:58
theory
01:58
when they told me God was always
02:00
watching I said who wants to worship a
02:02
diary thief I didn’t dare say who wants
02:05
to worship anyone who would see
02:07
everything and just sit there doing
02:08
nothing while the devil’s lost his teeth
02:10
with the bow and my prettiest violin
02:13
oddly they told me the same thing about
02:16
Santa always watching and I didn’t mind
02:17
because that fucker was bringing
02:19
presents God was only bringing life
02:23
which I was told was a sin to return
02:25
even if it didn’t fit my yes never fit
02:29
into the know of this world I was just a
02:31
little girl trying to get rid of the
02:33
just in the little got rid of the girl
02:35
instead get rid of my yes trying to make
02:37
a nose so big it could go back in time
02:40
swallow everything that happened that
02:42
should not have happened and that’s how
02:44
I lived that’s how I’ve been living
02:46
decades of no no no no no and that’s
02:50
okay an accordion couldn’t make a song
02:53
if it had never closed but then I met
02:55
you and I started feeling myself open I
02:58
started feeling my yes coming back and
03:01
it was the sweetest thing I had ever
03:03
known like the reverse of being haunted
03:05
like taking a deep breath and pulling
03:08
the fog off the glass My Love My yes do
03:12
you know how many times a day my
03:13
gratitude frames your autograph come see
03:16
me in the good lights come tell me what
03:18
you tell the truth
03:20
come trouble me how to say out loud what
03:22
I can’t yet pronounce of my own life
03:25
come wiser than the past come make me
03:27
make you proud
03:29
come hope too much come with you all
03:31
your ghosts come clown around with the
03:33
timing spell come empty-handed
03:36
come full of regrets come nowhere it
03:38
hurts when it doesn’t hurt come town to
03:41
ten with your eyes closed
03:42
come find me hiding in the place I know
03:44
you’ll look first compromise me the
03:47
world come trust me to do my best even
03:50
when I don’t come ask me to give you
03:52
everything I have come knowing I will
03:55
give you my word that if you fall in the
03:57
forest when there’s no one around I will
04:00
be there before you lands come with all
04:02
your sound and the library quiet come
04:05
kind come
04:06
patience come let me find you out come
04:09
with all your baggage mailed to our
04:11
house come be everything you are my love
04:14
come love this world come hate it too
04:17
come undone come falling apart
04:20
come tantrum in the grocery store come
04:23
screaming for what sweets come willing
04:25
to spill willing to stain the windows of
04:28
the angry Church come nervous brave
04:31
contender as the trees for giving the
04:34
books for asking to be made come on all
04:37
your beauty leaving evidence behind your
04:40
fingerprints all over the thing that
04:43
changed my mind that made me better than
04:45
I was come love make me better than I
04:48
was
04:49
come teach me a kinder way to say my own
04:52
name come knowing I like everyone have
04:55
had my own blood on my hands come help
04:58
me to a gentler truth come share my
05:01
parachute come let me share your storm
05:03
come hush the Weathermen when he calls
05:06
it bad weather come light as a feather
05:09
on the bird that stuck around just to
05:11
see the snow I used to drive along the
05:14
coast of Maine searching for the fog
05:16
come with me to what the sea lifts up
05:19
into the sky just to slow us down
05:22
come make it count our finding each
05:25
other like we found God come root for
05:28
the salt come believing we can heal it
05:30
all even everything even everything even
05:34
everything that has ever been done I
05:36
know how much the pain of this world
05:39
weighs but I can still tip the scales in
05:42
light’s direction whenever I have your
05:45
name on my tongue whenever you say love
05:47
is a ladder to our highest selves I say
05:51
may our falling be the most beautiful
05:54
climb
05:55
may the rungs of a ladder shine on our
05:58
hands in the good lights and in the
06:00
lightning strike my love come become
06:03
beside me till I find your first silver
06:07
hair and our tub till I find your last
06:11
silver hair and our tub come love come
06:16
love come love thank you if you’re not
06:25
into love this isn’t the show for you
06:29
ever since I wrote that poem I I never
06:33
get invited to a wedding without being
06:35
asked to read it even if it’s a straight
06:37
wedding I I I tell my straight friends
06:40
that marriage is for gay people now they
06:47
just keep doing it
06:55
so I messed up some of my words in that
06:58
poem I think I’m gonna mess up my words
06:59
all night because I’ve just come from a
07:00
series of bookstore readings where I was
07:03
reading out of a book which is something
07:05
I’m really not used to and so now my
07:07
head thinks I only know poems if I if I
07:09
if I read them off the page which I
07:12
started memorizing my poems many years
07:15
ago because I get so nervous on stage
07:17
that the paper will shake louder than my
07:20
voice will that’s the only reason why I
07:22
started memorizing things I don’t know
07:25
if you can tell but I got this bruise on
07:28
my face from walking into a swinging
07:31
dryer door and when I did it I mean you
07:34
know i I’d to cover it up a little you
07:37
know with my makeup and stuff so um but
07:41
when I got it what it looked like was
07:44
that I had a moustache a bruised
07:46
moustache just on one side of my face
07:49
which I felt like perfectly captured my
07:52
gender to have a mustache just on one
07:55
side so I might try to figure out how to
07:59
make that happen without hurting myself
08:01
I wrote this next poem after I’d visited
08:04
Sweden and in Sweden they have a
08:07
national gender-neutral
08:08
pronoun it’s spelled hen which like
08:11
chickens over here I love the idea of
08:12
genderqueer chickens and I wrote this
08:15
poem it isn’t that you don’t like boys
08:23
is that you only like boys you want to
08:26
be David with his jaw carved out of the
08:28
side of a cliff Malcolm who doesn’t have
08:31
secrets to stories he owes no one Chris
08:34
the basketball hero who has a tick he
08:37
blinks 15 times when he makes the shot
08:39
you spend hours blinking in the mirror
08:42
wishing you could be a star like him
08:45
mary levine calls you but dyke and you
08:48
didn’t have the language to tell her
08:49
she’s wrong and right so you just show
08:52
up to her house promising to paint your
08:54
fingernails red with what will gush from
08:56
her busted face if she ever says it
08:58
again you’re in the seventh grade you
09:01
don’t even know you want a girlfriend
09:03
you still believe too much in the people
09:05
who believe in jesus to even feel that
09:08
desire through its health threat you
09:10
just want to keep your desk on the way
09:12
to the principal’s office slouch and
09:14
detention want to cut your hair and spit
09:17
out whatever you don’t want in your
09:19
mouth your own name even skirting around
09:22
the truth you don’t yet know the boys
09:25
are building their comp and confidence
09:27
on stolen lands but you do worry the
09:29
girls might be occupied with things you
09:32
will never understand will ever ever be
09:35
good at you take one pretty step and
09:37
feel like you’re pouring bubbles into
09:39
your own bloodbath you don’t want to
09:41
soft death you want a hard life that is
09:44
your life your life and the locker room
09:47
that doesn’t stop demand you keep your
09:49
eyes on the floor your life at the prom
09:51
will you run home in a snowstorm
09:54
chucking your last pair of heels in a
09:56
snowbank realizing you are the only boy
09:59
you ever wanted to tear your dress off
10:01
for your life the first Christmas you
10:04
spend alone the years to learn to build
10:06
your family out of scratch your life
10:09
when someone drags you from a restroom
10:11
but the color of your coat your life
10:13
every time airport security screams pink
10:16
or blue
10:17
or blue trying to figure out what
10:20
machine setting to run you through
10:21
choosing your life and how that made you
10:24
into someone who now often finds it easy
10:27
to explain your gender by saying you are
10:30
happiest on the road when you’re not
10:32
here or there but in between the yellow
10:35
line running down the center of it all
10:37
like a goddamn Sunbeam your name it’s
10:40
not a song you will sing under your
10:42
breath I promise your pronouns haven’t
10:45
even been invented yet
10:47
you’re gonna shave your head and drive
10:48
to Texas you’re gonna kill your own God
10:51
so you can fall in love for the first
10:53
time they’re gonna keep telling you your
10:55
heartbeat is a pre-existing condition
10:57
they’re gonna keep telling you you are a
10:59
crime of nature and you’re gonna look at
11:02
all your options and choose conviction
11:04
choose to carve your own heart out of
11:06
the side of a cliff choose to spend your
11:09
whole life telling secrets you own no
11:11
one to everyone so there isn’t anyone
11:15
who can insult you like calling you what
11:17
you are you holy blinking star you
11:21
highway streak of Lights falling over
11:23
and over for your hard life your perfect
11:27
life
11:27
your sweet and beautiful life thank you
11:38
so much so all the poem that I’m gonna
11:41
that I’m reading tonight or from this
11:43
book I’m just you know um some of them
11:46
are memorized so the book is called Lord
11:54
of the butterflies which I really love
11:56
the title and I really loved the cover
12:00
well you we give Huey one more hand
12:02
please she is amazing and I was I was
12:10
thinking about this when Hugh is reading
12:12
um you know when a butterfly when a
12:15
caterpillar is going to become a
12:17
butterfly and it’s in its chrysalis I
12:20
always used to think as a child I
12:22
thought that the caterpillar just
12:25
morphed into a butterfly and sort of
12:27
grew wings but that’s not what happens
12:29
inside the chrysalis
12:31
comes entirely liquid so the caterpillar
12:34
just liquid it I mean this becomes
12:36
liquid and then from that liquid comes a
12:40
caterpillar I mean comes a butterfly
12:42
which I find so magical and whenever I’m
12:45
crying
12:47
you know when Huey’s reading a poem for
12:49
example or you know any any beautiful
12:51
time in my life or even maybe a not so
12:54
beautiful time I think about the I think
12:57
about the liquid in the caterpillar
12:59
becoming something beautiful so I’m
13:02
gonna read you something out of the book
13:04
in celebration or in not celebration of
13:08
our most recent weird holiday
13:10
oh this poem is called thanks taking
13:23
before the animal sanctuary where I
13:26
hugged a turkey feathered angel nuzzling
13:29
under my chin before I knew turkeys love
13:33
to be hugged before I was old enough to
13:36
volunteer to serve meals at the church
13:38
before I heard the preacher’s wife scold
13:41
a man without a home for not being
13:44
grateful enough before I was queer
13:47
enough to notice my name left out of a
13:50
prayer before I got the scoop on what
13:52
really happened at Plymouth Rock before
13:56
I learned the word genocide before I
13:58
knew enough to be devastated that I’d
14:01
once asked my friend how her family
14:04
celebrated Thanksgiving on the
14:07
reservation before we marched the
14:10
streets closed before I held hands with
14:13
a crying five-year-old running from riot
14:15
cops throwing tear gas before we shut
14:18
down the parade anyway
14:20
carrying signs that said thanks taking
14:24
it was my favorite holiday I cut paper
14:27
bags into pilgrim clothes and put on
14:30
Mayflower living room shows I grabbed
14:33
the wishbone with both hands and won the
14:36
wish every year I ate potatoes my
14:39
favorite from morning until midnight I
14:42
don’t remember
14:43
another day my family was so happy my
14:47
mother could still stand on her head
14:49
back then and I’d laughed the stuffing
14:52
out of my nose her feet shooting to the
14:54
sky like a toy arrow her face red as a
14:58
beet I hated beets and never had to eat
15:01
them on Thanksgiving it was the best day
15:04
I was thinking last summer roasting
15:07
marshmallows with my parents in the
15:09
backyard of my home
15:11
the flames like arms reaching to beckon
15:14
us closer to each other when my mother
15:17
casually like it was nothing said her
15:20
father who I knew she had loved more
15:24
than life who I knew had died when she
15:27
was still a kid had died on Thanksgiving
15:30
a fact I’d never known all those years
15:34
what I’d called the best day had been
15:36
the anniversary of her very worst day my
15:40
god I thought how many times did she
15:43
sneak into her bedroom to take his photo
15:46
out of the drawer
15:47
how many times did she try to catch her
15:49
reflection in the window to make sure
15:51
her mascara wasn’t bleeding down her
15:54
cheeks
15:55
have I ever sense and will I ever again
15:58
know a generosity so wide as her smile
16:02
all those years how wildly she clapped
16:05
for my joy that whole slaughter of a day
16:09
a day she gave to me her tiny pilgrim
16:12
giddy with having no idea what I had to
16:17
be grateful for
16:29
and then there are some that I’m
16:32
debating in my head if I should read of
16:34
the book or but I’m gonna I’m gonna try
16:38
to wing it I I always say this to my
16:42
friends and I think it is genius but
16:45
whenever I say let’s just wing it I
16:48
always think of it as a quote by birds
16:50
you know can’t you picture the birds
16:52
just being like let’s just wing it I say
16:55
it too often for it to have any charm
16:58
with my friends anymore but I really
17:01
think it’s the smartest thought I’ve
17:02
ever had in my whole life there’s a poem
17:06
there’s a poem in my book where there’s
17:10
I’m not going to read it tonight but one
17:12
of the lines is even when the truth
17:14
isn’t hopeful the telling of it is I’ve
17:17
been thinking about that a lot since the
17:20
election of Trump and this current
17:21
administration and how important it is
17:24
to tell the truth even when the truth is
17:26
devastating and um you know in this
17:28
political climate where so many lies are
17:31
being told and
17:35
[Music]
17:41
mostly because of dying stars scientists
17:44
say space smells like barbeque and
17:47
gunpowder which is to say space smells
17:50
let the United States a holiday where we
17:53
celebrate the independence of machine
17:56
guns how anyone can buy a cemetary at a
17:58
sporting goods store on their 18th
18:00
birthday and open carry it to an
18:03
elementary school where children are
18:05
learning tears don’t fall in space
18:08
weightless without gravity they never
18:11
leave the i’ is that what happens to the
18:13
NRA a child asks after the bodies of
18:17
half her class have used every red
18:19
crayon in the universe to scream goodbye
18:22
to the NRA skiers not drop because
18:24
they’re astronauts how does a parent
18:27
tell a six-year-old the gun sales spike
18:29
every time our right to bear massacres
18:32
makes a coroner faint make some medical
18:35
examiner sack can’t my god I can’t but
18:39
we can
18:39
can’t we America each election don’t we
18:43
could say we can stomach the boy loading
18:46
a black hole into his backpack and
18:48
unloading it in the high school hallway
18:49
on Valentine’s Day it would take light
18:52
years to count how many times the Tariff
18:54
Act Tex did I love you I love you I love
18:58
you in parkland Florida will the NRA
19:00
kept crying in space my friend a second
19:04
grade teacher is told to practice hiding
19:07
her children in the closet 23 7
19:10
year-olds huddle holding their breath
19:11
holding your breath and space is the
19:14
fastest way to die the lungs explode in
19:17
the vacuum almost as quickly as an ar-15
19:20
can make blood dust of a closet door of
19:23
the 20 children murdered at Sandy Hook
19:26
not one of them needed an ambulance
19:28
that’s how dead they were that’s how
19:30
well the Second Amendment works because
19:33
there is no air it is silent in space
19:35
but not as silent as the
19:37
Christian’s on the Senate floor well 20
19:40
more families are asked if they would
19:41
like to talk to a priest Christ could
19:44
tear the nails from his hands and scrape
19:46
them down a blood splattered chalkboard
19:49
and they would still be praying for
19:51
their bank accounts after Columbine
19:53
parents were called into tiny conference
19:56
rooms one family said we could hear the
19:59
family before his screaming and we knew
20:01
we were next
20:02
now loved ones check Facebook to see who
20:04
is dead
20:05
a mother statuses I can’t reach my
20:07
daughter I can’t reach my daughter
20:09
decades after her child is murdered in
20:12
the cafeteria that thought will still be
20:14
tearing her from her bed I can’t reach
20:16
my daughter the footprints left by
20:20
astronauts on the moon are permanent
20:22
they will never go away like the grief
20:25
of a father identifying his son by his
20:28
shoes because the rest of his son’s body
20:30
was out lobbied by suits whispering into
20:33
the ears of Washington this is what
20:35
America means by freedom and justice the
20:39
names of our cities becoming synonymous
20:40
with babies being buried like seeds in
20:44
the green gardens of the wealthy but you
20:46
should know your teacher was a hero we
20:49
see her body found bunkering a group of
20:52
your friends and that’s as happy as the
20:55
ending gets right now the heroes almost
20:58
always dead the flag at half-mast grave
21:01
children huddled in basements trying to
21:04
tear off their ears on the fourth of
21:07
July because the fireworks sound like
21:09
the day everyone died crying died with
21:14
her next 80 birthdays pouring from their
21:17
eyes well America reloaded and moved on
21:22
to the next
21:40
I think I’ve I think I’ve written about
21:43
panic attacks and every single thing
21:47
I’ve ever put out there like um I don’t
21:54
know like an ex-girlfriend I can’t get
21:56
over who’s not really an act so I wish
21:58
was an ex but this next poem is called
22:07
ode to the public panic attack it’s
22:11
another one I’m not quite sure I know
22:12
the words to but if I forget the words
22:16
it will incite a panic attack and then
22:18
we could just make it a whole
22:20
performance you know peace if anybody
22:24
wants to dance it out behind me you’re
22:25
welcome see I actually somebody took me
22:30
up on that once and it was really
22:32
awkward Oh to the public panic attack
22:41
you find me at the movies at the coffee
22:44
shop buying comfort food at the grocery
22:47
store you find me on dates which is
22:50
terrible because undated really like to
22:51
appear dateable you found me at Disney
22:56
World and line for the Little Mermaid
22:58
slow-moving clam ride you found me at
23:00
parties so often I stopped celebrating
23:02
my own birthday you found me on an
23:05
airplane and then in the arms of a medic
23:08
when that when the plane stopped on the
23:10
runway so it to let me off don’t worry
23:12
the medics said it’s just a panic attack
23:15
as if that would come for me to know I
23:17
am the enemy my body its own stalker
23:20
last week you found me on stage and a
23:23
friend and the audience said that was
23:25
his awkward as watching a goat give
23:27
birth in a mall I think every good
23:30
artist likes to make their audience
23:32
uncomfortable I’d hope to do it with my
23:35
politics and not my body flailing like
23:37
the about to be dead girl and teenage
23:39
horror flick my own spine curling into
23:42
the claw that strips me down to my day
23:43
of the week panties and it is always
23:45
doomsday today you found me mid-sentence
23:49
buying tick repellent at the hardware
23:51
store chewed the hairs on the
23:53
back my neck till I couldn’t hear the
23:55
words coming out of my mouth till I
23:57
wasn’t even there I was in another state
23:59
googling heart palpitations and sudden
24:01
onset asthma and how many bugs are in
24:03
the human body is it possible to be
24:05
eaten alive well someone’s eyes are
24:07
asking are you okay are you okay are you
24:09
okay no I am never okay but I am
24:13
creative so when I can’t catch my breath
24:15
I tell myself you’re fine this is your
24:18
heart giving your sternum a high-five 80
24:20
times a second if you’ve never had a
24:22
panic attack
24:23
there’s a good chance you’ve been an ass
24:25
to someone who has just relaxed and calm
24:28
down always seem like helpful things to
24:30
scream if oxygen has never been over
24:33
your head if your body has never become
24:35
its own corset at the restaurant I say I
24:38
have a small bladder because it’s less
24:40
awkward than saying I’m gonna spend most
24:42
of this outing in the bathroom stall
24:44
falling towards my death at the speed of
24:46
utter darkness because my parachute
24:48
doesn’t open when I leave the house I
24:50
think we are beginning to get a little
24:53
bit better about depression often my
24:56
tears don’t go cold on my cheeks before
24:58
someone is there but we still treat
25:00
panic anxiety terror as the failings of
25:03
unger Aegis Minds who haven’t sipped
25:05
enough chamomile tea who haven’t
25:07
tattooed namaste under the right part of
25:09
their windpipe revin picked enough
25:11
lavender from their herb gardens to rub
25:13
into their pussy chakras a white yogi
25:17
tells me I can easily breathe to the
25:19
apocalypse in my bloodstream and I do
25:21
six thousand downward dogs and never
25:24
stop feeling the choke of the leash I’m
25:26
done with a shame the cage of self-hate
25:29
the lie that this is weakness when I am
25:31
certain it is the mightiest proof of my
25:33
strength how hard it is to live knowing
25:36
there is a promise jaw outside my front
25:39
door and still I step towards the horror
25:42
still I say Here I am world
25:45
let’s make relaxation look like a crime
25:47
we will never get busted for let’s
25:49
hyperventilate like it’s 1999 thank you
25:55
[Applause]
26:05
yes so I was at the National Poetry Slam
26:08
here in Minneapolis many years ago and I
26:10
was on stage and I thought I was having
26:12
some sort of acid flashback I didn’t
26:14
know what was going on it was my very
26:16
first panic attack it was so scary so I
26:19
I write a lot of um should I have said
26:23
that is my mother watching so um I write
26:26
a lot of long poems but there there are
26:30
a number of short poems in this book and
26:32
I’m just gonna go through and read some
26:34
of them to your right I don’t think that
26:36
you need to applaud in between but if
26:39
you wanted to just go wild with applause
26:42
in between each one you could this first
26:49
one is called Andrea Andrew your name is
26:53
a gift you can return if it doesn’t fit
26:56
Oh
26:59
[Applause]
27:04
this is called diagnosis
27:06
I suffer from unrequited self-love I
27:10
love myself but I don’t love myself back
27:16
[Music]
27:20
and there are some definitions in the
27:23
book you know they’re shaped like
27:24
definition that I don’t really know how
27:26
to explain it
27:28
this one’s called white feminism a noun
27:31
a racism that claims it is at least
27:36
better than no feminism at all like at
27:39
least Hitler was a vegetarian like we
27:41
could actually get comfortable being the
27:43
uneaten animal in the lap of the man
27:46
making lampshades out of human skin this
27:57
is depression a verb to put on your best
28:01
outfit and feel like you are dressing a
28:04
wound this is called all the good in you
28:11
when all the good in you starts arguing
28:14
with all the bad in you about who you
28:17
really are never let the bad in you make
28:21
the better case so that poem sort of
28:33
leads into this next one this poem was
28:36
inspired by Sonya Rene and the body is
28:38
not an apology have you all heard of the
28:40
body is not an apology it’s really
28:44
amazing movement and it’s a book now and
28:47
it’s all about radical unapologetic
28:49
self-love and this poem is called
28:51
boomerang Valentine I’m sitting on my
28:59
friend’s couch several months into being
29:01
intentionally single and celibate for
29:03
the first time since I was 20 years old
29:05
20 years old when I believe sex had to
29:08
involve a dude and the word screw I’m
29:10
telling my friend about the psychic who
29:13
said I’m gonna meet the love of my life
29:14
by the end of
29:16
it’s January 10th and I am so far from
29:18
ready for Cupid that naked little shit
29:22
to fire anything sharp my way so far
29:25
from ready to be the kind of crazy only
29:27
love makes me my friend musters every
29:31
bit of New Age jargon she can fit unto
29:33
her tongue and says what if you are the
29:35
love of your life I think oh my god I
29:38
hope that’s not true
29:40
because I am absolutely not my type
29:45
but let’s say for a moment I am let’s
29:48
say I am I dream boyish girlish boy and
29:51
I’m standing on my front step ringing my
29:53
own doorbell waiting for me to answer so
29:55
I can hand myself a mason jar full of
29:58
water lilies I have rescued from a
29:59
millionaire’s Monet let’s say I am so
30:03
charmed but the radiance of my own
30:05
anarchy
30:06
I invite myself in for tiem and I’m not
30:08
looking I sneak the steam from the
30:10
kettle into my pocket so the next time I
30:12
am missing the coast of Maine
30:14
I can gift myself the fog let’s say I’m
30:17
not just running my mouth around an oak
30:19
Lache that says we got to love ourselves
30:21
y’all we don’t I know I can keep getting
30:24
down on myself till I’m tucked to my
30:26
grave looking up at my name Carbon stone
30:28
wondering why never knew I’ve been cast
30:30
to the lead in my own life when it comes
30:33
to love the only thing I’m certain of is
30:35
you are the best thing that has ever
30:38
happened to you whoever you are you’re a
30:41
quitter great there’s plenty worth
30:43
quitting a sore loser who isn’t you got
30:45
no discipline maybe discipline is for
30:47
bodybuilders and closeted gay monks
30:49
picture a magician so attached to be
30:52
imperfect he cuts off his own legs just
30:55
to pull off the trick
30:56
picture the 738 selfies I deleted before
30:59
I took one I was willing to show to the
31:01
world picture me wishing I could have
31:03
all of those back my so-called flaws and
31:05
stacks like baseball cards I know will
31:08
be worth something someday like
31:10
tenderness like compassion like my
31:12
capacity to think myself a catch just
31:15
because I never seen a chandelier I
31:16
didn’t want to swing from because I’d
31:18
maybe go to space just to know if
31:20
railroad tracks look like zippers from
31:22
the moon on days I have a hard time
31:25
keeping warm in my own weather I imagine
31:28
what the first flower said to the
31:30
first human trying to name habits pedals
31:32
love me nots no that is not how anything
31:35
grows of all the violence I have known
31:38
in my life I’ve not known violence like
31:40
the way I’ve spoken to myself and I’ve
31:42
seen almost everyone around me hold that
31:44
same belt to their own backs an ambush
31:46
of every way we have decided we are not
31:49
enough then looking for someone outside
31:51
of ourselves to come clean that treason
31:53
up if I were to ask myself out of that
31:56
cycle I might say listen I am still
31:58
going through my growth spurt I am still
32:00
yet to get my worst tattoo I am still
32:03
clearing the smoke from burning the
32:04
toast I wrote from my own wedding day I
32:06
am still trying to get rid of my mirror
32:08
face look myself dead in the eye
32:10
I know Facebook is a lousy mortician
32:13
desperately trying to make us all look
32:15
more alive I know there were things I
32:17
haven’t survived I know there were
32:19
people in this world who have had to
32:20
work to survive me I don’t ever want to
32:23
take that lightly but I want the heavy
32:25
to anchor me brave to anchor me loving
32:28
to anchor me in something that will
32:30
absolutely hold me to my word when I
32:32
tell Cupid I intend to keep walking out
32:35
to the tip of his arrow to bend it back
32:37
to myself to aim for my goodness to the
32:40
muscle in my chest tears from the
32:42
stretch to be coming but I came here to
32:44
be a lover of whatever got covered up by
32:46
the airbrush the truth of me that beauty
32:49
of a beast chewing through the leash
32:51
till I get a mason jar for the water
32:53
lilies and I got a kettle full of sea
32:55
and my whole life y’all my whole life is
32:58
just a boomerang Valentine coming right
33:01
back at me thank you
33:16
I do you think I want to read this one
33:18
with music so this book is uh it’s very
33:23
unlike me but it’s full of really happy
33:27
love poems usually my my books are full
33:30
of breakup poems but just in case there
33:34
are some brokenhearted people in the
33:38
audience there are a few in here that
33:41
are brokenhearted
33:43
just because I’m moody a years ago I
33:47
wrote this really like anthemic said a
33:50
word it is when I put out my first book
33:53
many years ago I got feedback from the
33:56
publisher that I used all the same words
33:59
and in every poem I just rearranged them
34:03
in a different order and I’m one of
34:05
those people that when I’m reading a
34:06
book and I get to a word I don’t know I
34:08
skip it it’s awful I don’t recommend it
34:10
so I only know a few words and I do I
34:13
use them all in the same poems and I
34:15
just rearranged them so just so you know
34:17
you only have to know like I don’t know
34:19
70 words to write a poem and so years
34:26
ago I wrote this ya anthemic love poem
34:30
called honey and the whole poem was
34:33
about how my girlfriend at the time
34:35
would call me honey she was southern and
34:38
southern people say honey and just the
34:41
most the best way so that’s a note maybe
34:47
you don’t really need to know for this
34:49
poem
34:59
after the wound of us scabbed into
35:02
polite text after we charmed each other
35:05
enough to wonder if we’d made a mistake
35:07
you invited me to your new apartment on
35:10
a night each of us was suffering from
35:12
the unbearable loneliness of sanity you
35:16
had moved to your favorite building in
35:18
the city an almost castle historic and
35:21
grand wrapped with a century of Ivy when
35:25
you opened the door I was startled by
35:27
the beauty of what could be made without
35:30
me a library of books organized by color
35:34
Patti Smith hanging like a Christ above
35:37
the checkered tile a row of silver
35:39
knives you’d finally saved enough to buy
35:42
shining on your kitchens hands you
35:45
sliced heirloom tomatoes and made a
35:48
dressing from scratch well I I’d the
35:50
cowhide rug whose murder
35:53
I had never allowed in our house but
35:55
here almost free almost alive after
36:00
dinner a song came on the stereo that
36:03
had been sent to me by another woman who
36:06
wore the same red lipstick as you but
36:08
who wasn’t like you chain-smoking
36:10
bartender reaching for the rifle when
36:13
the bar fight breaks out tattoos you
36:16
told the artist to scar on purpose
36:18
because you couldn’t let go of the guilt
36:20
of being 800 miles away when New Orleans
36:24
drowned pours sweating bourbon and the
36:27
yoga class you cursed through I called
36:30
you a hipster once and you flattened
36:32
every bite tire in the town with your
36:34
fuck know the hours passed smooth as the
36:38
wine we downed like we were pouring the
36:41
blood back into our bodies I could have
36:44
driven home but we both said I shouldn’t
36:47
I crawled into the side of the bed I
36:49
knew no one had been your grief always a
36:52
marathon
36:54
the rest of the world’s sprint I ran my
36:57
hands along the stitch of your pillow
36:59
will you spoke about the vines covering
37:02
the windows because the building is
37:05
historic the Ivy is – you said I’m not
37:08
allowed to cut it down so in the spring
37:11
when the leaves grow in the house is
37:14
dark as midnight but in the winter when
37:17
they die the house is full of light
37:20
you’re our eyes started closing as they
37:24
always had before mine three hours I lay
37:27
awake your shoulder kissing my shoulder
37:30
three hours I stared at the window
37:34
loving you then turned towards your ear
37:37
and whispered that I had to go you
37:40
uncurled from a dream and said okay
37:44
honey and I went to wherever the Ivy
37:48
goes in the winter and for the same
37:51
reason I’ve spent a lot of my writing
38:05
life writing about on suicidality and
38:10
and mine and my community ISM struggle
38:13
to to stay alive at times and I haven’t
38:16
written a lot about those of us who are
38:21
still here when someone who we love has
38:23
left this world on purpose this is for
38:27
anyone of
38:31
who has had that experience
38:35
[Music]
38:39
in something like our mothers we grew
38:41
till red was again the color of the
38:44
water and pain wasn’t something any of
38:47
us could point to because it was what
38:49
was morning came not knowing if it would
38:51
come again and love was the only thing
38:54
assumed and love should have been enough
38:56
someone without a heart might say the
39:00
day you died because you wanted to I
39:02
tied my wisdom tooth to a doorknob and
39:05
pulled it loose take everything I think
39:07
I know every answer is a grave now the
39:10
questions are the rain I walked through
39:13
to find my way to God and my only God is
39:17
faith that there is comfort here that
39:19
who is hurting might hurt less than they
39:21
did before what else are all these coins
39:24
and all these wells for if not to wish
39:27
the grief asleep in the lap of someone
39:29
else’s grief till grief comes not
39:32
knowing if it will come again
39:34
your sister thought the hearse was a
39:36
limousine till she asked where it was
39:39
going and then she knew for sure that’s
39:42
what a word like heaven will do but
39:45
heaven that wasn’t what you were aiming
39:47
for you didn’t think the other side
39:49
would be better you thought the other
39:51
side would be nothing at all imagined
39:56
choosing nothing at all imagined
40:00
something hurting that bad I didn’t
40:03
still have the ring you’d given me I’d
40:06
crushed it with a rock to see how much
40:08
you loved me I love you to pieces – it
40:11
hurts me in my head now how you knew the
40:14
water wasn’t deep enough to dive into
40:17
but I won’t let anyone say it was a
40:19
shallow thing you did I knew it was your
40:23
entire body finally pointing saying here
40:26
here is where the pain is I can crush a
40:30
can
40:31
with the heel of my shoe I can drive by
40:34
your mother’s house if I want to but I
40:36
don’t want to she was there when you
40:38
bought the ring she knew how long you’d
40:40
been saving me I didn’t save anything
40:44
but you don’t lose a person like a set
40:47
of keys cuz you don’t find them again
40:49
and you can still get to where you’re
40:51
going
40:52
resilience itself is an awful thing to
40:55
grieve who at the heart can stomach how
40:58
much we can stomach all your blood in
41:01
the water and I could still wade through
41:03
and I will and can and I will again and
41:06
I will again with everyone I loose so
41:10
what I want most is to live the rest of
41:13
my life
41:14
desperately wanting to live it I want to
41:17
give that to you I wanted to find you
41:20
and then nothing at all and I want it to
41:24
be something when I say I want to make
41:28
something of my life
41:31
that’s what I mean
41:33
[Music]
41:52
this next poem it’s funny and I’m
41:58
telling you it’s funny so that you laugh
42:05
and my favorite review of this book so
42:08
far the person who wrote it was talking
42:11
about having this poem read at their
42:14
their wedding ceremony and I loved it
42:18
because this is a poem entirely about
42:21
the arguments I get in to my into with
42:24
my girlfriend raise your hands if you
42:28
are in a relationship or have ever been
42:30
in a relationship where you were you
42:33
argue with your person or people if you
42:35
have many people yeah that’s so thank
42:39
you for raising your hand because you
42:42
know I ask the people of Burlington
42:44
Vermont that and they’re there like 300
42:47
people there and two people raised their
42:50
hands I don’t know if it’s the
42:52
Birkenstock I don’t know what it is
42:57
anyway this is called fight for love
43:04
maybe you said oh wait wait I wanted to
43:07
tell you one more thing
43:11
what was it okay I’ll remember by the
43:16
middle of it and maybe you suggested
43:21
something unthinkable like perhaps I
43:23
should get my dog groomed after she had
43:25
rolled in the poo of a sick horse and I
43:27
naturally concluded that you were the
43:29
absolute worst for thinking I would
43:31
subject an angel to the horror of being
43:33
bathed by a blade toting stranger maybe
43:36
it was when you were editing my book and
43:39
you said something elitist like Andrea
43:41
you can’t end every poem by repeating
43:43
the last line or you can’t put the word
43:45
moon and Firefly in every piece you
43:48
write and I said something like I’d
43:50
rather have a sky without a moon in it
43:53
than a poem without a moon in it maybe
43:56
it was the Pali argument your face going
43:59
fire engine red the second I mentioned
44:01
an old flame maybe I decided you didn’t
44:04
want my history to exist
44:05
which meant you wanted me to be magic a
44:08
virgin rabbit pulled out of your pretty
44:10
hat or a lady cut in half maybe it was
44:15
when you said like six times in a single
44:17
sentence and I got upset about our age
44:19
difference and you said I couldn’t argue
44:22
for my own time earned wisdom while
44:24
throwing a three-year-olds tantrum good
44:26
point maybe it was the time I got so mad
44:31
I defended you on Facebook and you got
44:34
so mad about that I decided you with a
44:36
shallow end of the baby pool maybe you
44:38
peed in the water to prove me right
44:40
maybe it was the night at the straight
44:42
bar when the table of men invited you to
44:44
sit with them maybe you didn’t notice
44:46
their eyes drooling down your breasts
44:49
thought Celine Dion and the karaoke
44:51
machine was just bringing them to tears
44:52
maybe it was when you suggested the bar
44:55
was queer friendly because someone had
44:57
asked if I was Tegan and Sara maybe it
45:04
was one of those nights when I was two
45:06
people neither of them the real me just
45:09
caricatures of my worst possible
45:11
qualities maybe it was when we decided
45:13
to start a podcast discussing all of our
45:16
arguments then got into an argument
45:17
during the first five minutes of the
45:20
shank of recording and canceled the show
45:23
but at some point it hit me you and I
45:26
are always going to fight for love I am
45:29
always gonna drag my heart into the ring
45:31
to call you the knockout I’ve been
45:33
waiting for my whole life you are always
45:36
gonna trigger me into rifling through my
45:38
history until every ghost is hunted out
45:40
what hurt would we ever forever been
45:42
hoarding in our garage have we never
45:44
fought about your inability to park a
45:46
car because the GPS stops telling you
45:49
what to do when you pull into a driveway
45:51
please run over the mailbox if that
45:56
keeps me looking for new ways to send my
45:58
best self to you I am so in love with
46:01
who we are we’ve been fighting to become
46:03
together I can’t believe I finally adore
46:05
a human as much as I adore my dog even
46:08
when I’m in the doghouse I like know you
46:10
like love me like so much
46:13
thank you for telling me there’s no need
46:16
to open our relationship because being
46:18
with me is already like being with 50
46:20
impossible people thank you for
46:23
accepting my friend requests for the
46:25
fifth time this year
46:26
thank you for screaming all the way home
46:29
from that straight bar to the bed where
46:31
our bodies made up will the moon flew
46:33
through the window and a firefly poured
46:36
a firefly pour it into the room and
46:44
landed in your hands which you open like
46:47
a ring box and asked me to marry you and
46:50
we were so new I blushed instead of
46:53
answered but a firefly is forever and
46:56
you know what my answer is a firefly is
47:00
forever and you know what my answer is
47:03
[Applause]
47:16
so that really did happen we got this
47:19
really awful argument a detail that’s
47:23
left out is that we were at her mom’s
47:25
house and we got this argument at the
47:28
karaoke bar and then we were arguing on
47:31
the way home and then you know we got
47:33
back to her mom’s house and I’m sort of
47:35
having sex again anyway we’re having sex
47:37
in her childhood bed this is really
47:42
awkward but but right after you know you
47:47
know when you’re in that that moment
47:50
well I don’t have to explain it a
47:53
Firefly really truly flew into the room
47:56
and it landed in her hand and it was it
47:59
was like this diamond and and she just
48:02
opened up her hand and asked me to marry
48:05
him she is the butch one
48:10
so this thanks Paul
48:14
I’m serious the only thing I’m talking
48:20
gender is complicated not that you’re
48:25
you know I don’t want to suggest you
48:28
can’t propose if your phone that’s
48:29
ridiculous so this next poem is called
48:34
tincture and and I wrote it one day
48:37
almost all my poems are inspired in my
48:40
therapists office and although you want
48:44
to hear a funny story about my therapist
48:46
actually as I my therapist name is Julie
48:50
and many years ago I had a crush on this
48:53
woman named Julie and we were texting
48:56
back and forth and I one day I was so
48:59
proud of this text I said hey you have
49:02
the same name as my therapist I’m
49:04
wondering if I could come lay down on
49:06
your couch sometime and but I
49:12
accidentally texted that to my therapist
49:15
I swear to God and then it had been two
49:20
weeks it was like two weeks before I
49:22
went in to see my therapist again
49:24
and two weeks later she was just like
49:26
falling over with
49:28
after so I often would go into therapy
49:40
one of the things I talk about in
49:42
therapy a lot is I have a I have a
49:44
chronic illness and and a lot of times
49:48
it’s it’s it’s really a struggle for me
49:51
when I’m the most sick it’s the hardest
49:54
time for me to want to be alive and one
50:01
of the things that I think about when
50:03
I’m really sick is I think about how
50:07
much of a relief it will be someday
50:09
to not have a body because I heard many
50:13
years ago that when a soul comes into
50:17
human form that the human body just
50:21
feels so restricted to our souls I mean
50:24
everybody believes different things but
50:26
that you know you sort of feel caged in
50:28
in these bodies and that there is a way
50:30
it can feel liberating when you no
50:32
longer have one but then my therapist
50:36
told me this thing that changed my
50:38
perspective entirely and she told me it
50:42
on um on one of you know my hardest days
50:49
it there’s sort of a rule in poetry that
50:52
you’re not supposed to write the word
50:53
soul into a poem have you all ever heard
50:55
that I say so like 800 times in this
50:58
phone imagine does anybody have a cough
51:04
drop first or I’m just gonna be coughing
51:06
through this whole thing if you do we
51:08
throw it at this stage mmm let me see if
51:11
I can come up with something
51:12
entertaining while I’m waiting for this
51:24
it’s like making my own little pride
51:26
parade you know I I’m y’all oh the
51:29
parade and I’m the only one in the Pride
51:31
Parade audience yeah it is always a
51:37
little risky too because you know
51:39
whoever threw the cough drop probably
51:41
has the flu now I know we’re live
51:48
filming or something like that
51:53
I wish there could be a commercial that
51:55
came on right now that just as Andrea is
51:56
gonna take a break to have a snack
52:02
whenever I’m chewing a cough drop into
52:06
the microphone onstage I always want to
52:08
say I’m sorry but I made a rule a pact
52:11
with my feminism that I will never say
52:14
sorry onstage unless I accidentally
52:16
punched somebody when I’m up here I’m
52:21
chewing it it’s hard to chew a cough
52:22
drop mmm
52:24
trying to see if I know any cough drop
52:28
haiku mmm-hmm imagine when a human dies
52:37
the soul misses the body actually
52:41
grieves the loss of its hands and all
52:44
they could hold misses the throat
52:46
closing shy reading out loud on the
52:49
first day of school
52:50
imagine the soul misses the stubbed toe
52:53
the loose tooth the funny bone the soul
52:57
still asks why does the funny bone do
52:59
that it’s just weird
53:02
imagine the soul misses the thirsty
53:04
garden cheeks watered by grief missus
53:07
how the body could sleep through a dream
53:09
what else can sleep through a dream what
53:13
else can laughs what else
53:15
can wrinkle the smiles autograph
53:18
imagine the soul misses each falling la
53:22
eyelash waiting to be wished
53:24
misses the wrists screaming away the
53:26
blade the soul misses the Lisp the
53:29
stutter the limp the soul misses the
53:33
wholly bruised blue from that army of
53:36
blood rushing to the wounds
53:38
when a human dies the soul searches the
53:41
universe for something blushing
53:43
something shaking in the cold
53:46
something that scars sweeps the universe
53:49
for patience worn thin the last nerve
53:52
fighting for its life the Voicebox
53:55
aching to be heard the soul misses the
53:59
way the body would hold another body and
54:02
not be two bodies but one pleading God
54:04
doubled in grace the soul misses how the
54:08
mind told the body you have fallen from
54:11
grace and the body said erase every
54:14
scripture that doesn’t have a pulse
54:16
there isn’t a single page in the Bible
54:19
that can wince
54:20
that can clumsy that can freckle that
54:23
can hunger imagine the soul misses
54:27
hunger emptiness rage the fist that was
54:31
never taught to curl curls the teeth
54:34
that were never taught to clench clench
54:36
the body that was never taught to make
54:39
love makes love like a hungry ghost
54:42
digging its way out of the grave the
54:45
soul misses the unfor of old age the
54:50
skin that no longer fits the soul misses
54:53
every single day the body was sick then
54:56
now it forced the here it built from the
55:00
fever fever is how the body prays how it
55:04
burns and begs for another average day
55:07
the soul misses the legs
55:10
creaking up the stairs misses the fear
55:13
that climbed up the vocal cords to curse
55:16
the wheelchair the soul misses what the
55:20
body could not let go
55:22
what else could hold on that tightly to
55:25
everything what else could hear the
55:28
chain of a swing set and fall to its
55:31
knees
55:32
what else could touch a screen door and
55:35
taste lemonade what else could come back
55:39
from a war and not come back but still
55:42
try to live still tried to lullaby when
55:47
a human dies the soul moves to the
55:50
universe
55:52
to describe how a body trembles when
55:54
it’s lost softens when it’s safe how a
55:57
wound would heal giving nothing but time
56:01
do you understand nothing in space can
56:04
imagine it no comet
56:06
no nebula no ray of light can fathom the
56:10
landscape of awe the heat of shame the
56:14
fingertips pulling the first gray hair
56:17
and throwing it away I can’t imagine it
56:21
the Stars say tell us again about
56:25
goosebumps tell us again about pain
56:30
[Music]
56:38
okay I have a couple more I wasn’t
56:46
planning on reading that one but I can
56:48
read that one I’ve been you know of all
57:02
the poems I’ve written in my life it’s
57:04
the hardest one for me to perform I am
57:08
usually when I write poems that are
57:11
heavy or hard to speak over time they
57:14
get easier because they find a place to
57:18
live in my body and that you know that
57:20
is a little bit comfortable this poem
57:24
has never gotten comfortable anywhere
57:26
around me and I think it’s because the
57:30
things that you know things aren’t
57:32
changing I’m not going to do it like
57:37
that just because Heather we don’t know
57:41
in this music so um we can’t use
57:43
anything we don’t know in tonight I
57:44
don’t think
57:54
I haven’t run it today so I may not know
57:56
the words words are secondary to poems I
58:01
think when the first responders entered
58:08
the pulse nightclub after the massacre
58:10
in Orlando they walked through the
58:12
horrific scene of bodies and called out
58:14
if you ever live raise your hands I was
58:17
sleeping in a hotel in the Midwest at
58:19
the time but I imagine in that exact
58:21
moment my hand twitched in my sleep some
58:24
unconscious part of me aware that I had
58:26
a pulse that I was alive the next day I
58:29
woke to the news that an assault rifle
58:31
had fired 202 bullets through a gay bar
58:34
on Latin night and what are the worst
58:36
massacres in US history a massacre of
58:39
people who did not leave the dance floor
58:40
when they heard gunshots because they
58:42
thought they were just the beats of a
58:44
song everyone around me spent that day
58:46
grieving and every tear tasted like
58:49
someone’s dance sweat drying and the
58:51
more later that night I was performing
58:53
for an audience that had spent two hours
58:55
in line waiting to get to the bag checks
58:58
and metal detectors on stage I couldn’t
59:00
keep my hand from covering my heart I
59:03
kept scouring the club for the fastest
59:05
route to every exit I know the person
59:07
working security was in a text war and
59:10
wasn’t keeping his eyes on the door I
59:11
knew there was a man in the fifth row
59:13
picking up the seams of his duffle bag
59:15
every few seconds I died the balcony for
59:18
the glint of whatever might aim to tear
59:20
the bodies of the spirits of the boys
59:22
holding hands or the girls with a hair
59:25
cut short as my temper when rage as a
59:28
decibel I can actually get to when I’m
59:30
not just grief sick and ruined watching
59:32
history not be history watching the
59:35
music not be music knowing someone
59:37
having the best night of her whole life
59:39
said this is my favorite song and then a
59:42
rifle lifted over a bathroom stall and
59:45
emptied a magazine into the kidneys of a
59:47
grown man texting mommy I’m gonna die
59:49
his handprints and blood on the wall
59:51
reaching for people dying in the fetal
59:54
position people covered in their
59:56
friend’s blood solving too hard to hide
59:58
from their own deaths people outside
60:01
pushing bandanas into bullet wounds it’s
60:03
true what they say about the gays being
60:06
so fashionable their ghosts
60:08
never go out of style even life it’s
60:10
like Buner a’practice half of us already
60:13
dead to our families before we die half
60:16
of us still on our knees trying to crawl
60:18
into the family photo that night on
60:20
stage I kept remembering being 15 at
60:24
Disneyworld wearing my best friend’s
60:26
hoodie like it was my boyfriend’s class
60:28
ring how many years it took me to just
60:31
touch her face how many years I spent
60:33
praying my heart could play dead to the
60:35
threat was gone too the world changed
60:37
till history was history but history it
60:40
just keeps coming for the high keeps
60:42
shooting up bodies keeps drumming up
60:44
reasons to have metal detectors at
60:46
poetry readings with the poems they’re
60:49
just unanswered calls to people who
60:51
claim their God or their apathy is
60:53
unwilling to accept the charges dear God
60:56
how broke do you have to be to not buy
60:59
people time to get out the door when the
61:02
song goes to hell when this world drunk
61:05
on hate decides blood is wine and drinks
61:08
its fill and the only place they ever
61:10
thought was safe and the only place that
61:13
thought they did not have to hide and
61:15
the only place they were wanted because
61:19
because of who they loved and how they
61:23
loved and how they loved till someone
61:27
walked through their bodies and asked
61:29
who was still alive and hardly anyone
61:32
put their hand up
61:40
I fell in love with a my best friend
61:50
when I was fifteen years old and and
61:54
when I was 20 years old I touched her
62:02
face for the first time and she was my
62:06
first girlfriend and this this poem is
62:11
called first love I don’t think I ever
62:22
really kissed any boys I think my tongue
62:25
had just been punching their tongues but
62:29
as soon as you love me all my Callas
62:31
went away my hands so soft it hurt to
62:34
pray you picked me up in my Catholic
62:37
College and I’d sleep for hours till we
62:39
reached her house the first time in my
62:42
life I’d ever rested the first time I
62:44
didn’t have to play a role like never
62:46
wanted to get that’s the medicine it is
62:49
to be finally seen by someone I crack a
62:53
smile and you’d point to my chest and
62:55
say what just broke I throw my body in
62:58
the river but you’d say my name right
63:00
and I’d become a stone that’s skin do
63:03
you remember the first record where we
63:05
didn’t have to change the pronouns to
63:06
sing along we’d gone so many years
63:09
without music and knew us music that
63:12
knew you could arch your back and I’d
63:14
have proof that the earth was round
63:16
bless who we were then bless who we
63:19
still are my straight friends teased me
63:22
because all my best friends are my ex
63:25
loves but a wise heart told me it’s the
63:27
most tender part of queerness how we’ve
63:30
all lost so much family when we find
63:32
people we call family will do almost
63:34
anything to not let
63:36
thank goodness for that ice storm that
63:39
trapped us in that cheap hotel where I
63:42
drank an entire bottle if something
63:44
awful and finally told you I’d loved you
63:47
since we were 15 playing basketball
63:50
under a flickering streetlight beside
63:52
the poorest part of the sea the ice
63:55
storm froze the world outside into a
63:58
photograph of the past while I kneeled
64:00
down and kissed my future onto your
64:03
kneecaps two decades talking to Jesus
64:06
that was the first time I heard him talk
64:09
back months later church bells ringing
64:13
through my dorm room I wrote my senior
64:15
thesis about you and told no one how
64:18
hard I was praying to stop hiding myself
64:21
in metaphor to one day find the courage
64:24
to carve the truth into the chapel door
64:27
holy for all the hours I spent picking
64:30
out my outfit the night you took me to
64:33
my first queer bar and Portland Maine
64:35
the biggest city I had ever walked
64:38
through I was so excited and so scared
64:41
that we’d be spotted or killed on our
64:44
way inside we sat in the parking lot for
64:47
hours did I change my mind and you drove
64:51
me home
64:51
mascara pouring down my brand-new boys
64:55
shirt I never guessed there come a time
64:58
like a winter we traveled north to visit
65:01
your mother asleep when we arrived after
65:04
midnight she lit our room with candles
65:06
and rested a joy in the center of the
65:09
bed neither of us were any good at
65:11
smoking but we pulled her welcome into
65:14
our lungs like it was 100 years of
65:17
oxygen up until then we didn’t know
65:20
anyone in the world who would celebrate
65:22
us wiping the steam from the glass to
65:25
see each other blushing in the same
65:27
bathroom mirror in the morning I was
65:30
thinking about that last May when I was
65:33
invited back to my Catholic called
65:36
to read poems for the first time you
65:40
sitting in the front row beside the nuns
65:43
and the school president and the teacher
65:46
who had given me an A on the manuscript
65:49
I’ve been too afraid to write your name
65:51
and Andy I know so much has not gotten
65:55
better I know so much has not gotten
65:58
easier but that moment and knocked the
66:01
wind out of me time finally being the
66:04
kind of father we all deserved the world
66:07
turning its porch light on for us it was
66:10
so bright I could feel the freckles on
66:13
my fifteen-year-old face
66:15
warming in its glow I could feel hope
66:17
traveling back in time to find us to
66:21
whisper into our chests there will be
66:23
music for you one day thank you so I’m
66:35
interviewed while my poem you know I
66:37
haven’t been holding the book you know
66:39
because mostly because of my nerves but
66:41
all the poems are read tonight are from
66:43
the new book I want to thanks I want to
66:45
thank button poetry for being so awesome
66:48
I’m so psyched to put this out they’ve
66:51
been amazing they’re here tonight and
66:54
thank you thank you so much Huey I can’t
66:57
think of somebody I would rather do a
66:59
show with and so I’m gonna do something
67:02
weird the last poem I’m gonna do
67:04
actually doesn’t have isn’t from the
67:06
book if that’s okay but my dogs here you
67:10
know I want it I want to see if I want
67:13
to bring her up for the last poem if I
67:14
can do that now this can always go very
67:20
bad I want you to know trying to
67:29
remember the words
67:30
um so squash has been touring with me
67:41
[Music]
67:44
so this is um my life-partner she might
67:53
do some weird things we’ll see one time
67:55
the last time I had well it wasn’t the
67:56
last time but I had her up on stage and
67:59
we were performing in a fancy church and
68:02
there was a really fancy rug and I was
68:05
letting her roam around on the stage and
68:08
she just decided to wipe her butt the
68:12
length of the fancy Church rug but she’s
68:16
been coming to my shows and sleeping in
68:18
the sound booth um for seven years now
68:20
and and she’s so bored by poetry this is
68:27
called a letter to my dog exploring the
68:29
human condition dear squash aka squashy
68:33
aka squish-squash and you don’t stop it
68:36
a miracle but naica a little perfect
68:38
peanut aka my beating heart with fur and
68:41
legs I know you think it’s appalling
68:44
that I still poop in the house that I
68:46
choose to wear underwear and pants
68:48
giving no-one the opportunity to smell
68:50
my true disposition that on the days I
68:53
need to feel better about myself I don’t
68:55
just pee on someone’s pee not that kinky
68:58
don’t worry I am not fooled by my thumbs
69:01
I know I’m not the tadpoles final
69:04
project I know I’m not the last species
69:06
evolution prays to become I can even
69:08
swallow my own pride long enough to let
69:10
myself drool when something smells
69:12
delicious what must you think of my
69:15
mirror face or how much of my day I
69:17
spend practicing my butch voice my baby
69:20
I’ll fix your carburetor with my toolkit
69:21
voice when you know full well there is
69:24
nothing in my toolkit besides a massive
69:26
collection of self-help books that have
69:28
helped me do nothing but Fung Shui the
69:30
skeletons in my closet don’t you just
69:33
love how that femur accents the sofa set
69:35
squash I’m sorry I cry every time I take
69:39
you to the vets I’m sorry they take your
69:41
temperature like that I’m sorry I take
69:43
you there when you’ve only got a bug by
69:45
humans hold so tight to the leash of
69:47
life but you
69:48
we’ll roll in anything dead and wear it
69:50
like perfume I wish I had your nose for
69:55
eternity I wish I could see what you see
69:57
with the squirrels Satan your eyes but
69:59
the postman deserves to die even when
70:01
he’s not bringing bills
70:02
what’s with hating the shadow the peace
70:04
Lily makes on the floor of the living
70:06
room I know I let you down every day you
70:08
choose to not murder I choose to not
70:10
murder the vacuum is it bad that it
70:13
refused to teach you to not be afraid of
70:15
men is it bad that I want you to keep
70:17
your bite and your snarl and your
70:18
gleaming teeth is it bad that when they
70:20
call you a risk I call you a feminist
70:22
you never make fun of your friend
70:25
Chloe’s underbite or your friend willows
70:27
limp or your friend Harvey’s past
70:29
trouble with the law you never
70:31
criticized me for being too uptight to
70:33
let my hair down even though you can let
70:35
yours all the way out all over my black
70:37
hoodie my black pants the couch the car
70:40
the chair the online merch store that
70:42
sells my books and t-shirts wrote me a
70:44
letter saying we cannot continue to sell
70:46
your products that they continue to be
70:47
covered in so much of your dog’s hair I
70:50
just assumed anything covered in you
70:53
would increase in value remember when I
70:56
told that woman I loved her then
70:57
whispered in your ear you’re my number
70:59
one girl it’s true if I could I would
71:03
put your beating heart in my mouth and
71:05
suck on it like a piece of candy so I
71:07
could finally understand how you got so
71:09
sweet I know my therapist likes you more
71:11
than she likes me and I still let you
71:13
sleep on her couch you taught me a good
71:15
nap it’s the best therapy you taught me
71:18
to sit when I damn well want to sit I
71:20
don’t care that you never talk about
71:22
patriarchy or capitalism of the
71:24
heteronormative hegemonic paradigm I
71:26
know you’re saving the world every time
71:27
you get poo stuck in your butt here and
71:29
you don’t go looking for someone to
71:31
blame speaking of looking for someone I
71:34
can’t imagine what you think of sex I
71:37
can’t tell if you think it’s a
71:38
slobbering badly boundry belly rub or a
71:41
poorly aimed fistfight some of you got
71:43
that you just perch on the end of the
71:45
bed tilting your head back and forth
71:47
wondering why still have been taking my
71:49
pants off I have issues squash humans
71:52
have issues we dig holes to bury our own
71:56
hearts we chew on our own bones we
71:58
escape the predator but still can’t
72:00
shake them off so some of us
72:01
we were our own bodies the way your
72:03
friend Berlin wore that cone around her
72:05
head remember so embarrassed but had
72:08
never had a better teacher
72:09
I didn’t caging my own spirit than you
72:11
never had a better reason to stop
72:13
playing dead than the day I saw your
72:15
face at the shelter your little nose
72:17
pressed against the cold glass staring
72:20
up at me like I was a gay Noah’s Ark my
72:23
heart my heart my heart every time I
72:27
give you a treat you run around the
72:29
house looking for a place to hide it
72:30
do you finally come to where I’m sitting
72:32
and hide it directly under me the most
72:34
important thing I have ever built in my
72:37
whole life is your trust may you always
72:39
feel entitled to more than your fair
72:42
share of the bet may you always tear the
72:44
stuffing out of every toy I give you so
72:46
I can constantly be reminded to keep
72:48
spilling my guts to keep saying I don’t
72:51
know how we’ll ever make peace with the
72:53
shortness of your lifespan but I promise
72:56
to make sure you know you are so loved
72:58
every second you are here you know my
73:00
hands will build the sturdiest ark they
73:02
possibly can to hold your holy hell and
73:05
your holy bark and your holy beg squash
73:08
a Rooney Gibson little perfect peanut my
73:11
beating heart with fur and legs thank
73:15
you
73:17
[Applause]
—
This post was previously published on YouTube.
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Photo credit: Screenshot from video