Andrew Smiler says flexibility is the key to minimizing the influence of gender on first dates.
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It’s not possible to have a completely gender neutral date. Gender, our cultural and personal notions of how people should act based on their biological sex, influences too many aspects of our behavior to be completely neutralized. In the dating context, gender roles provide an outline of how things “should” work. But in a day and age where equality is the expectation, why stick to a rigid outline based on your genitalia?
I’m trying to write this guide to apply across all genders, masculine, feminine, trans*, etc. If I’ve missed or something is very wrong, I have faith someone will let me know in the comments. I’m also writing based on my own American background and referring primarily to gender roles as they currently exist in the US. Depending on where you’re from, you may have grown up with this approach or you may find it completely foreign.
There’s very little of starting to date someone that requires sexually dimorphic genitalia. Talking to someone, kissing and groping, and asking to see someone again (or not), requires a heart, a brain, a mouth, and the ability to communicate.
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When it comes to the first date, the masculine or “butch” or “dom” role is generally defined by taking the lead. The butch asks some version of “I’d like to take you out to dinner, a movie, coffee, etc.,” does all the logistical work to make that date happen, initiates physical/sexual contact, and is responsible for starting conversation the next day if “he” wants the relationship to continue. Hetrerosexual American guys assume they’ll pay for the first date, regardless of whether they endorse traditional or egalitarian gender roles.
The female or “femme” or “sub” role is generally defined by sending subtle, mostly non-verbal messages of interest and responding to the butch’s lead. This role means the femme becomes the “sexual gatekeeper” because “she” is the one who accepts or rejects the butch’s sexual advances.
Very little of this requires sexually dimorphic genitalia. Talking to someone, kissing and groping, and asking to see someone again (or not), requires a heart, a brain, a mouth, and the ability to communicate. Your genitalia—and your partner’s genitalia—are only relevant if you prefer some types of genitalia over others.
To minimize the impact of gender roles, you’ll need to think about this now so you know what you want to do before you start doing it. It’s important to be prepared. Remember that you are not required to maintain one role the entire time; you can switch anytime you like.
Overcoming Your Training. Before you can do something new, you’ll need to get past the messages that have been beaten into your head by American culture. One part of this is learning to adopt the other role, at least at times. Given how many times most guys hear some version of “don’t act like a girl,” that may not be the easiest way to approach it. Instead, think about being asked out as someone paying you a complement and offering to buy you dinner in exchange for the chance to get to know you better.
Another part is learning not to make blanket assumptions. One of the central tenets of the gender minimized date is that you can switch roles as you please. That means that being the lead doesn’t have any implications beyond having being the one to initiate that particular aspect of the first date. If a woman asks a man out or puts the sexual moves on him, it doesn’t mean she’s a slut (and it never did), it just means that she was ready for those things to happen before he was. Or more willing to take the risk of starting something and potentially getting turned down. If a guy doesn’t initiate, it doesn’t mean he’s a wimp. He might be shy. Or maybe he doesn’t trust his ability to read your nonverbal messages and has adopted a “better safe than sorry” approach.
Remember that you are not required to maintain one role the entire time; you can switch anytime you like.
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In any dating scenario, you’ll need to decide if and how much sexual contact you want to have with this person at this time. Remember, guys are allowed to refuse, even if you’ve never heard one admit doing so. And that decision may need to be made quickly: your partner is allowed to make the first move. If you’re not sure, you can always say something like “I’m not ready to [fill in the blank] yet. Can we go back to what we were doing?”
You’ll also need to remember that someone can be in the leading role for one part of this thing called a first date, like asking out, and then move into the responsive role for another part, such as responding to the first sexual move. In other words, don’t assume that you or your partner will stay in one role for the entire first date. Or the entire relationship, for that matter.
Flirting and Checking Someone Out: For the most part, we don’t ask out random people that we’ve never said hello to. We flirt. We talk to the person we’re interested, learning about some of their interests and getting a sense of their personality.
You’re letting that person know that you’re interested in them and trying to figure out if they’re interested in you. You’re also trying to determine if they’re in a monogamous relationship and thus unavailable. Some of this is inevitably influenced by those gender scripts we’ve all learned, including the ways we show off our bodies (or not) and the interests we share. If you want to get out of gender-land quickly, share some of your “gender atypical” interests. Or, if you’re really bold, talk about the fact that you don’t really (or only partially) buy into gender stereotypes. Heck, you could even send the link for this article.
I firmly believe that whoever does the asking is also responsible for paying. That can be a little tricky, especially if you believe in equality. Instead of splitting costs 50-50, I prefer taking turns so I pay for the first date (if I’ve asked) and my date pays for the next date.
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Ultimately, one of you will need to ask the other person out. Most people find this incredibly stressful, including Harry Potter. For all his bravery fighting Voldemort and his willingness to break the rules at Hogwarts, it took him about 2 years and eight million pages to finally ask Cho Chang out. The reason? When someone turns you down for a first date, it’s a rejection of you. You might not get a job because you had a bad interview or because someone else is genuinely better qualified, but those reasons don’t work when it’s about dating. Getting rejected sucks. But not asking and never knowing also suck. Be brave and ask someone out.
Asking Someone Out: When you ask someone on a date, it means you make all the plans. Start by selecting an activity (e.g., dinner, bowling, movie) and asking your partner if they’re ok with that choice. You’ll also need to choose the time, arrange transportation, and allow enough time to get there without rushing.
I firmly believe that whoever does the asking is also responsible for paying. That can be a little tricky, especially if you believe in equality. Instead of splitting costs 50-50, I prefer taking turns so I pay for the first date (if I’ve asked) and my date pays for the next date. This allows folks to plan a date that’s within their budget and it also creates a (small) social expectation that there will be a next time. When I’ve initiated a date, the bill comes, and my date has asked to split the cost, I’ll usually just say “why don’t you pay next time?” But if it’s going poorly and I don’t want there to be a next time, I will accept that offer to split the cost. If I’ve asked someone out, I never ask them to pay for half, even if it’s going poorly. I asked, so I pay.
The First Date: You’ll need to get ready before the first date. That means getting dressed in a way that shows who you are and may—or may not—mean emphasizing the parts of your body that are sexually desirable. Given that our standards of attractiveness are closely connected to gender, this is one place where you probably want to get all gendered up. Then again, “getting all gendered up” might be confusing if you’re mostly not following the standard gender script.
Then follow the plan that was set up when the date was proposed. If you asked the other person out, it’s on you to make sure y’all follow the plan. If you were asked out, then it’s your job to let the other person do what they said the two of you would be doing. Beyond this, there’s no formula. You can maintain one roll (leading or following) or you can switch around. If you go out for a meal, you could even order for each other.
Standards of attractiveness are closely connected to gender, so you might want to get all gendered up. Then again, “getting all gendered up” might be confusing if you’re mostly not following the standard gender script.
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Regardless of the role you’re playing, you need to be prepared to maintain a conversation. Some people are more outgoing than others and some people are better at small talk than others. You know some of your dating partner’s interests from flirting, so that’s always a good place to start. If you need to, prepare a list of topics in advance and memorize it.
Although it can be awkward, I recommend having at least a little conversation about gender roles—especially as they apply to dating and sex—during the first date. That is, if you haven’t had that conversation already. Lots of folks say you should avoid difficult topics like politics, religion, and sex during the first date, but that never made sense to me. If you 1) have a disagreement about one of these topics and 2) it’s a topic that you both feel strongly about, it may be a sign that you’re not supposed to be with the person. Personally, I’d rather know sooner than later. If the two of you are able to find common ground and resolve that difference, that’s also good to know.
The Follow Up: If you’ve been leading the whole time, then momentum says it’s your job to follow up. And if you’ve been responding the whole time, then it’s probably safe to assume your job is to wait by the phone, email, whatever. Then again, in the gender-minimized world, you’re allowed to switch roles as you please, so there’s no need to wait.
If you didn’t enjoy the first date and don’t want a second date, follow up is pretty straightforward. Don’t call, text, email, whatever. If your date gets in touch, I’m partial to ending things quickly, although it can come off as kind of mean. I say something like “I’m sorry, but I’m not interested in seeing you again.” Other people prefer not to respond or make up an excuse for saying no, hoping the other person will get the hint. I think that’s mean because it takes a week or two (or never) before the other person figures out that you’re not interested.
You and your partner can structure your romantic and sexual life—who is responsible for what and when—any way you like.
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If you enjoyed the first date, tell the other person; odds are they already know. Although some folks say you should wait a few days, I’ve never understood the purpose of that, especially given all the ways we have to communicate. I usually wait until the next day, then get back in touch. From here, it’s back to flirting and you’ll need to make a decision if you’re going to initiate the second date or wait for your partner to do it.
And that’s it. The key here is that you don’t need to stick to a set of gender-based rules that are older than you are. You and your partner can structure your romantic and sexual life—who is responsible for what and when—any way you like. Keep an open mind, be honest with yourself and your partner, and pay attention to what you like and what your dating partner likes so you know what to keep (or avoid) doing. And if this works for you, go ahead and extend it to Valentine’s Day and your wedding.
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This post is republished on Medium.
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More ‘dating by numbers’. But look, there are no ‘rules’ to this diverse and delightful dancing – it’s many different strokes for many different folks (pardon the pun). Just be your true self, and be with someone real that you like and are attracted to, who likes and is attracted to you. If it’s ‘neutral’, great; if it’s superpolarity – great! So, on second thoughts, the ONLY ‘rule’ is – cause no harm to anyone, or let anyone use you to harm themselves. After that – do your thing and have fun! – and be tolerant of others who do… Read more »
Man….Cho Chang was frikkin hot.
If you really follow all of these rules every time, then considering this quote “I prefer taking turns so I pay for the first date (if I’ve asked) and my date pays for the next date.”
I’m guessing you’ve never been on a date where your date paid (unless they asked on the first date).
This article reeks of homosexual tendencies. You’re afraid to be a man?
Why on earth would we want to minimize gender? I like being a man, and I like women who like being women. Attempting to re-engineer the genders is ridiculous and usually points to psychological issues on the part of the would-be re-engineers.
So I guess, unfortunately, this article is for real.
What about the “grass eating” men in Japan who are foregoing dating because they see no
value in it and do not want to live up to the expectations of others?
Without a doubt, the saddest thing I have ever had the misfortune to read.
Civilization, where art thou?
The original article author here and those who back his views are working from the unsupported assumption that gender roles are culturally created. The virtual universality of “traditional” gender roles (not to mention the findings of behavioral biology) suggests that there is a strong biological component. It’s also interesting that you seem to feel that dating needs to be “gender-minimized.” (I don’t think you’re fooling anyone when you say that you simply want to give people a choice; you are clearly attempting to privilege one experience over another.) You seem very judgmental of those who prefer traditional gender roles. Just… Read more »
Well said!
I am just glad that this sort of lunacy will have naturally selected itself into extinction in a generation of two.
I’m SICK of constantly being told how to act by WHITE MALES. Quit it with the oppression and let the marginalized speak for once.
Choom. Gaze at navel and repeat.
And why would someone want to go on a “GM date”
Isn’t that called grabbing coffee with a friend?
The fun of a date is that sexual tension.
Mr. Smiler, Perhaps it is a sigh of my age, but it seems odd that an article on gender neutral dating would use a slang term with an origin in fellatio and the attendant power over dynamic. In my time when something ‘sucked” the negative connotation referenced the dominate and submissive roles involved in a shortening of the phrase “suck my d*ck’… the negativity related directly to the unequal sexual gratification involved in the dynamics of the act. The term also sometimes denoted something as being ‘bad’ because of homosexual undertones, much as “buggered up” in British slang was associated… Read more »
Perhaps you could wear pajamas, drink hot chocolate, and talk about getting health insurance
Unless you are a eunuch or a completely whipped beta, why would you want a ‘gender minimised’ date?
because most of the massive pork bloated Bureaucracies in the US are now in fact dominated by gender-less white males.
hi Adam, your reply actually made me feel bit sorry for you and for all the men out there who feel pressurised to behave like a troglodyte to score with women. I don’t know what type of women that attracts but if as you say… “they generally don’t want to fuck them (nice men), because they’ve disqualified themselves on the ability to compete, provide and protect.” I would imagine ruling out men who treat them well has more to do with the insecurities of the ladies themselves than any need for protection. in this day and age most women in… Read more »
Sorry, I think you are only partially right (being European as well).
From experience I’ve learned that “good guys” are only considered as friends. Women explained along the lines : dull / boring, not attractive, no game, etc. So yeah, I agree with you that women themselves are keeping the status quo of dating / relationships.
I’m still my respectful self and by consequence I’m still single.
Vonnie, we are not “feeling pressured” to act scuzzy. We are not estimating what happens inside the mind of a woman; we are ===measuring=== the how the angle of her legs varies in response to different stimuli . Women put out for bad boys, left and right, day and night. Women paved this road…. we are just riding it.
Vonnie, what makes you equate traditionally masculine traits with misogyny? I’m really interested to know because Adam seemed to speak about traditional masculine traits (straightforwardness, willingness to take risks, boldness) and how they are more likely to get you romantic interest from a woman than traditionally feminine traits (sensitivity, tenderness etc.).
Okay Andrew, lets go with your gender-neutral Pleasantville approach to dating….. that is, until it comes to how I, as a heterosexual woman, needs to look to capture the interest of said heterosexual men. In which case, I must embody the very feminine qualities that heterosexual men have come to associate with the feminine. I am to be well groomed, thin, with proportionate breast to waist to hip ratio. I am to dress relatively femininely. I have heard many heterosexual men say that one of the sexist things a woman can wear are summer dresses. Many heterosexual men talk about… Read more »
To add on my own comments, this reminds me of the pressures we put on little boys in school to learn and act exactly like girls do. But we know that little boys can be very different from little girls. So why as adults, are we reverting back to pretending gender doesn’t exist? What is so scary for us to acknowledge that it does exist?
Hi Erin,
I’m not arguing for gender neutrality; the title is “gender minimized” for a reason.
I’m giving people a general guide they can use if they don’t like or don’t adhere to “traditional” American gender roles. If you like those traditions, you can stick with them; many people certainly do. Then again, if you don’t like them – and many people don’t – here’s a way to do something different. But those are choices we get to make, and they include choices about whether to initiate/wait for an invitation to first date, sexual contact, second date, etc.
I guess I don’t see how “gender minimized” is that’s much better from “gender neutrality”. Once we hit “gender minimized” is the next step “gender neutrality”? On one hand, I recongnize the need for evolution to be a part of dating and relationships in the modern world. However, it appears that as relationships modernize, the things men fantasize about become more audaciously hyper examples of extreme forms of feminininess in that world we socially keep behind closed doors. So for me, as a woman who dates men, where even buying me a cup of coffee is considered a gender inequality… Read more »
Traditional “AMERICAN” gender roles? Tell me, where do they have different gender roles as a normative? Get serious, silly boy.
I am with Erin on this one Andrew. How do you “minimize” your gender? Either you are or you aren’t and if you’re confused you should be in therapy with someone other than you. Yes, a healthy male or female should have some flexibility in their behavior and we both should have an adult share of both empathy and assertiveness, but to somehow “minimize” myself smacks of poor self esteem and porous boundaries. What is wrong with just being myself on a date and hope my partner will do the same and if there is some attraction then let nature… Read more »
(Erin), Interesting. On the surface you seem especially resistant to the evolution of gender roles toward the neutral. Clearly, you are convinced by your knowledge and experiences that men and women are born to be as vastly different as we are in this society; that it is both inevitable and naturally good. And yet, when I read the first paragraph or two, I get the sense that you aren’t quite happy with what you think men want in a woman. For one thing, you describe male desire all in superficial preferences of how a woman looks and dresses, saying that… Read more »
Wow, you really mansplained that to her.
I think the author should consider seeing a therapist himself. Gender neutral dating? One of the purposes of dating is to find out if you like the other person. not to prersent a facade.
Paul, I am convinced by my knowledge and experiences that men and women are both born with some differences and also socialized with some differences. Does that mean that a man can’t be a fantastic nurturer and a woman can’t be a great leader? of course not. Does that mean that I don’t think we shouldn’t change how we nurturer boys to express emotion? Again, of course not. I do not find anything wrong with men being attracted to women. I do find something wrong with our culture and the hyper focus on how women look and what their bodies… Read more »
So if I understand you correctly Erin. You are saying that as a result of society’s attempts to suppress masculinity, many men pretend to be gender neutral but when sex time comes, all that built up emotion (masculinity) gets expressed in very extreme ways. If so, then I agree with you a lot. As some have said there will always be a backlash when you try to suppress biology. I’m not saying that all men are the same but I’m saying that there is lots of wisdom (although it has it limits) in the saying that boys will be boys.… Read more »
Andrew, I like your article but I’d also like to see research on the success of egalitarian dating relationships. Most dating “experts” say that they’re a failure but what does the research say? If we have research that shows that egalitarian dating relationships can lead to strong long term partnerships or marriages, then you will be able to prove to the Adam Blanches of the world that equality really is the way to go.
Yeah, we just first need to change male/female biology and then everything will be “equal” and the same.
What garbage. A man want to be with a woman, not because she is like a man. Same thing for women.
Women, if you want equality in relationship, fine, hang out with men who act like women or become like a man. Just don’t come crying when your relationship crumbles because you finally want a strong man that makes you feel feminine and Marvin Milktoast doesn’t do it for you any more.
MB,
In general, the more similar a couple is, the better the quality of their relationship and the longer it lasts. That said, I haven’t seen very little that includes egliatarian gender attitudes and uses people who are not college undergrads. 🙁
I’ve seen a ton of research on egalitarian dating, but as you said, it’s almost solely on college undergrads. However, that in and of itself is telling; it likely requires college exposure (if not education) for either gender to realize that there can be more to dating than traditional gender roles. One of the kindest men I know swears that as long as he lives he’ll never let a woman pay for anything in front of him nor open a door without him. I’ve had long discussions with him about the root of benevolent sexism, and he just doesn’t see… Read more »
Dear Andrew, I like my gender. I like testosterone in myself, and estrogen in my partner. I like being a man. I like that there is a difference between men and women (because I’m not attracted to other men). I like the parry and thrust of gender negotiations. I find that women like the difference too, I never had such a crappy sex life as when I used to be a SNAG. Most women like to talk to ‘nice’ men, but they generally don’t want to fuck them, because they’ve disqualified themselves on the ability to compete, provide and protect.… Read more »
So you’re saying that you like to dominate the woman? BTW, women have competed for, provided for and protected their men for centuries, but they never got any credit for it. And they never got paid for it.
GUFFAW!
They got paid by never having to go to war and being first off the lifeboats.
Adam, you sound as if you’ve bought into the whole traditional culture thing when it comes to gender and gender roles. I guess that’s fine for you; under traditional culture, there are people who fit the mold and enjoy it just fine. The problem is, there are many more people who find difficulty with the restrictive nature of gender roles. There are also those who don’t have the capacity to look past their own narrow definitions of acceptable culture; in other words men have to be such a way, women have to be such a way, and it’s all natural… Read more »
Adam, I’m not aiming for gender-neutral. I’m offering ways that folks can minimize gender roles IF THEY CHOOSE TO. As a guy who has embraced an approach to gender that highlights the differences and who enjoys the “parry and thrust” that comes with that, you have chosen to maintain the traditional male role that says you should lead and she should follow. And it sounds like that works for you; it doesn’t seem to work for Paul. But those gender roles don’t work for everyone. One thing we’ve seen is ever-greater numbers of girls & women who do initiate the… Read more »
You’re a MAN Adam, thanks for being one and please remain one. Pay no attention to the dismissals of many women and some men. Goodness knows, the women in this world who appreciate men like you don’t want you to become extinct. REAL women want REAL men, like you. Indeed, ‘vive la difference’!
Most women like to talk to ‘nice’ men, but they generally don’t want to fuck them, because they’ve disqualified themselves on the ability to compete, provide and protect. Only bit I disagree with. Many women want nice guys! I dislike “bad” guys because they have the traits that I reject in men. Nice guys can be great if they lead exciting lives, too. Nice guy plus adventurous life for me is the perfect guy. It’s all about the interests of the man. If a guy is nice but boring then he is, in essence, boring. If he is nice but… Read more »
A guy can be a good guy without being ‘nice’, if fact its the ‘nice’ guys that have the deepest shadows.
Indeed, the Sharks in Suits, the men (and women) who use charm to deceive. Usually, though, their true character shines through in very subtle ways, but people tend to ignore those flickering warning lights because the person appears so gracious, so exciting, so interesting. There are many ways to test someone’s character, and we should all do it, before we emotionally invest and perhaps get burned. Also, look at the family they come from, the respect they show and receive, their friends and their interests – are they healthy or unhealthy? How many times have we heard the story told… Read more »
Thank you for saying it better than in ever could. The Left’s infatuation with this BS is getting old
Well said Adam. At least some words of sanity!
I concur with this a lot. Staying away from traditional and conventional measures is the way to go. Disagree with rejection on you because it is rather he or she rejects only her impression of you or your presentation of yourself. However, firmly agree with being able to switch and discuss any topic at large through more natural authentic approaches so to not waste time, effort, energies of all involved. It was great mentioning logistics and kinesthetics in dating and relationships. Very fascinated by the psychology behind social dynamics and human behaviour in all settings.
Thanks ABC.
Girls, offer to pay your half. Guys, let them.
If that works out, you’re off to a decent start and can go from there.
Most won’t feel secure enough to do it.
Usually they are just being polite and expect you will insist because gender norms.
While other times, she hopes for that because she’s broke. (women get more into college than men, and college get you broke)
Other times she can and will, but we can and will to, and we’ll get to “no, I’ll pay it! No, I’ll.” ad nauseum.