Andrew Smiler says American expectations about masculinity keep male victims silent about their sexual abuse.
[Trigger warning: the article is not graphic]
Several famous women have come forward to say they were sexually abused, but very few famous men have done so (see lists one and two). For women like Eve Ensler, Tina Turner, and Maya Angelou, issues related to their abuse have been central to their work or their public persona, at least for some period of time.
Men like Axl Rose, Drew Carey, Ozzy Osbourne, and (football player) Laveraneus Coles have publicly acknowledged that they were sexually abused as children (more here). Not one has made it a central theme of their work or central to their public identity. When stories of abused boys make the news, it’s usually a teen boy being raped by his teacher; discussion of the boy is often congratulatory with commentators extolling the boy’s prowess and fantasizing about the teaching professionals they fantasized about. This makes the abuse both normal and desirable.
Various women have done their time as “the poster child” of sexual abuse or domestic violence, but no man has yet stepped up to that plate.
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Yet millions of boys and men have been sexually abused. The estimate I see most often is 1 in 8 (and 1 in 6 for girls and women). The US has about 300 million people, about equally split between women and men. That 1 in 8 statistic translates to about 18.75 million male survivors of sexual abuse.
Musician Chris Brown recently stated that his first sexual encounter occurred at age 8. With a 14 year old girl. For Mr. Brown, this was his first conquest and helped make him a man. He did not define it as abuse or rape, even though there is no standard by which an 8 year old can legally or morally consent to sex with a 14 year old.
Mr. Brown’s revelation and the blogosphere’s reaction had mostly died down when a study by researchers Michele Ybarra and Kimberly Mitchell briefly grabbed the headlines. They found that about 1 in 10 teens said they had sexually abused someone, with perpetration rates nearly equivalent for boys and girls. That 1 in 10 perpetration rate by girls gives some credence to that 1 in 8 victimization male rate. The numbers aren’t identical, nor should they be: a perpetrator can offend against multiple victims.
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I think our cultural expectations of what it means to “be a man” – call it “masculinity” if you will – play a significant role in keeping men quiet. Here are 5 ways in which those cultural expectations can negatively impact boys.
#1: Guys defend themselves. Teens and adults who were physically or sexually abused often believe that they should have been able to physically fight off their abuser. Although victims often recognize that this notion is logically absurd because those adult abusers were much bigger, heavier, and stronger than their child victims, it often takes months or years before they genuinely accept that reality. In a culture where boys are taught to “stick up for themselves,” “end fights, not start them” and the like, it’s that much harder for guys to accept that they were victimized.
#2: Guys (always) want sex. In American culture, we believe that dudes are primarily interested in sex, and don’t really care with whom, where, or when that sex occurs. This notion is central to a subgenre of movies starting with Porky’s and highlighted by American Pie, as well as TV characters from The Fonz through Sam Malone through Joey, Charlie, and Barney. Although only a minority of guys act this way, when we hold it up as the standard, it makes it more difficult for a boy or man to come forward and say “I was raped” because he’s not only admitting his victimhood, he’s saying that he’s different than most guys. Or rather, what we think most guys are like.
#3: Questions about sexual orientation (re: male abuser). In cases of male on male sexual abuse, the most common pattern is an adult male abusing a pre-pubescent boy. Despite the knowledge that they were coerced into sex, male victims often wonder if their experiences (will) make them gay. After all, current day American culture tells us that any type of male-male sexual behavior probably means a guy is gay. Being abused is very different than “experimenting,” but even then we assume that a guy who experiments with another guy is probably gay.
#4: Questions about sexual orientation (re: female abuser). It’s hard enough to admit being raped. For a guy who was sexually abused or raped by a woman, he’s got to get people to move past their idea that he didn’t want sex (see #2) and acknowledge that he couldn’t defend himself (see #1). Ask a teenager to describe a guy who turns down sex and can’t fight off a girl, and they’ll probably tell you he’s a fag.
#5: DIY mentality. Guys are taught to be independent, solve problems on their own, and not ask for help. Its part of the reason they don’t read instructions or ask for directions while driving. Yet it’s clear that for serious trauma, talking it through with someone else can be incredibly helpful. For some issues, it doesn’t matter if that conversations happens with friends who genuinely understand it, a group of others who’ve also been abused, or with a professional. But to address all the ways in which abuse can mess people up, a well-trained professional who understands men and masculinity is the most effective option.
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Various women have done their time as “the poster child” of sexual abuse or domestic violence, but no man has yet stepped up to that plate. Being the poster child requires a lot of bravery – a different aspect of masculinity than the restrictive elements listed above. It also requires more comfort with interviewers than Mr. Brown seems to have. And, of course, victim doesn’t fit Mr. Brown’s image.
I don’t know who that man will be who uses his fame to say “I was sexually abused” and this is how it affected me, but I’ll be cheering for him.
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Although researchers, practitioners, and child protective service professionals have long known that both girls and boys are victims of sexual abuse, efforts to raise awareness, make sexual abuse a public issue, and provide services focused primarily on women. As a result, the default discussion of sexual abuse in the US assumes a male perpetrator and a female victim. In the conclusion of their study, Ybarra and Mitchell went out of their way to highlight that boys and girls perpetrated sexual abuse at very similar rates, contrary to our cultural assumption.
I’m not surprised that Mr. Brown described his experience as conquest instead of abuse. I don’t know who that man will be who uses his fame to say “I was sexually abused” and this is how it affected me, but I’ll be cheering for him.
–photo used with permission of Genna Seymour
i can see that this forum is full of intelligent people who intend to do well with the information they receive. i am here to share parts of my story to show you that the type of person this article describes can be found in me. i am 26 years old, and have found myself in the deepest rock bottom of my life. my entire life has unfolded in recent months, and i have learned that every problem is traced back to sexual abuse from ages 5-11 roughly. by an older male cousin. in places like my own grandparents house,… Read more »
Thank you for this article. I’m a feminist and I can tell you that our community takes sexual abuse against boys and men just as seriously as it does that against women. Unfortunately, there are a lot of women claiming to be feminists who are really just misandrists, but those of us who know what feminism means are joining you in your fight. Feminism means acknowledging not only that women are being systematically marginalized, but that the idea of being a “manly” man or “alpha-male” is just as harmful to men. It gives me knots in my stomach every time… Read more »
Unfortunately, there are a lot of women claiming to be feminists who are really just misandrists, but those of us who know what feminism means are joining you in your fight.
You don’t have to try to convince us that they aren’t “real feminists” by saying so. What you are doing to show the difference is much more important. (And not to get too snappy but the “they aren’t real feminists” argument tends to get stale when its selectively used.)
Don’t you think part of the problem is that, for all the reasons you state, most men who were sexually abused don’t even see how it has affected their lives?
I think that’s true, but it also puts the cart before the horse. Why can’t men see how it has affected their lives? I read an article on Jezebel, who claims to have a supportive group of readers when it comes to sexual victimization. It was actually a followup article on Chris Brown. They apologized for the first one because they condemned Chris Brown instead of his rapist. In the followup article the author essentially said that her initial reaction to the Chris Brown rape was ambivalent because she didn’t like Chris Brown. She went on to note his rapist… Read more »
I agree. I would, however, state that Chris Brown himself has called the experience “awesome” and said it made him a “stud.” While I don’t know if he’s trying to hide something or just trying to convince himself of this to mask the hurt (very possible considering his views toward women and behavior suggests a distrust) I would say that his statements are strange. He even said most kids in his neighborhood lose their virginities around 12, which I find horrifying. Whoever wrote that article should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves. I saw a similar article about the Chris Brown… Read more »
As someone who has been the victim of sexual assault both as a child (predator was male) and as an adult (assailant was female) I am all to familiar with the problem of being a male victim. In fact, I went so far as to write a story about my experience to be published on this website (and spoke to one of the editors) but I chose not to publish it, even anonymously, because there is simply no benefit in doing so. My fairly extensive experience in dealing with discussions of sexual abuse has been one of perpetual dismissal or… Read more »
I am sorry you’ve experienced so much dismissal and disbelief. In general, women and feminist groups are the groups which spend a great deal of time dealing with the issue of sexual assault. As a male victim, particularly of a female, you are not allowed to participate in the conversation. You are not even really allowed to mention male victims or discuss your own experience as a victim. You are told “We’re not talking about men now. We’re talking about female victims” or “not everything has to do with men” or “we focus on women, we don’t focus on men”… Read more »
I’m so sorry for your experience, but let me just say as a feminist, this has not been my experience. I understand that society as a whole is grossly dismissive to male victims, but I haven’t experiences that from feminists. I have, however, experienced that from misandrists CLAIMING to be feminists. True feminists fight against sexual abuse, physical abuse, and gender stereotyping in ALL it’s forms, not just for women. Anyone dismissing you or not allowing you in on the dialogue is not a feminist, although they are claiming to be one. If you ever choose to really look into… Read more »
Thanks for the shout-out. I wish you had noticed the link to my survivors’ page. Tyler Perry has been VERY outspoken about being sexually abused and has made the prevention of abuse the cornerstone of his highly-successful career. He and Oprah did two shows on men who had survived sexual abuse. I wrote a summary of this in my post: Tyler Perry: “It’s going to be all right.” Still, I hear you. Our culture doesn’t do much to support men who have been abused. Truth be told, it doesn’t do much to support women either. Sending hugs and best wishes… Read more »
Ahaa, its nice conversation about this paragraph at this place at this blog, I have read all that, so now me also commenting here.
Hi Webz,
This site reports 1in6 men have experienced some type of sexual abuse; that’s more than the 1in8 I mentioned. They’ve got several references on site.
https://1in6.org/the-1-in-6-statistic/
For the recently published Ybarra & Mitchell study, click on “study” in that paragraph for a link to the original study or the link later in the paragraph for some of the press coverage. Links to their homepages are also provided; you should be able to find more of their work on their own sites.
“The estimate I see most often is 1 in 8 (and 1 in 6 for girls and women).”
“1 in 10 teens said they had sexually abused someone, with perpetration rates nearly equivalent for boys and girls.”
Those two statistics blew my mind! I thought it was something like 1 of 100 guys, and 1 of 4 girls were victims. And then I thought 90%+ sexual assaults were done by men.
I would like to see some sources myself, the might come in handy later.
Men like Axl Rose, Drew Carey, Ozzy Osbourne, and (football player) Laveraneus Coles have publicly acknowledged that they were sexually abused as children (more here). Not one has made it a central theme of their work or central to their public identity. Even if they did I’m not sure we would know about it because acknowledging male victims just isn’t cool. About the only exception to that would be if the abuser is male (because at least then there is still room for the usual “perps are men!” rhetoric”). When stories of abused boys make the news, it’s usually a… Read more »
You’ve made a series of good point Danny (as usual), and I agree that we-the-culture aren’t particularly interested in the story of male victims….yet. I think we’re getting closer though. As you pointed out (farther up), there’s greater recognition that domestic violence/intimate partner violence is often a two-way street and that there are men who are victimized.
Changing the cultural dialogue won’t happen overnight, but many steps. Each man who tells his story publicly is one step; but if/when a male celebrity can do it & get a lot of press attention, that’ll be many steps all at once.
@ Danny
“Not only that but if the teacher is female there will be great efforts in making that woman out to be a victims if not the victim. Oh she was abused as a child, her husband was cheating on her, she didn’t feel loved, aka look for some male in her life to pin the responsibility on.”
I’ve even seen instances where people have claimed the child was the predator and the woman the victim.
Yes I have seen that as well. I recall one particular instance, in a case of a grown woman raping a young male student she was tutoring (so it was all one on one not a full classroom setting), where someone argued that while she was the adult the boy’s privileged background played a factor in him being responsible as well.
In short he tried to say that the case shouldn’t be look at as woman/boy but rather privileged child/employee of privileged family meaning she was not fully responsible for what happened.
@ Danny
I remember a comment from someone (female) claiming to have been a volunteer at a juvenile detention facility commenting on an article concerning sexual victimization in juvenile detention. The article reported that about 75% of sexual abuse was staff on inmate with 95% of that being female staff raping male inmates. Her contention was that the boys were preying on the female staff. Even in cases were the power imbalance is completely one way, many people will still assert that the true victim is an adult woman and the victimizer the male child.
And that is what happens when you start a conversation on abuse/violence with the presumption that “its something males do to females”. When you have a starting point like that you will even start trying to mold evidence and fact to fit that presumption instead of letting evidence and fact lead you to what really happened.
I just completed my dissertation on people’s attributions in a case childhood sexual abuse involving a male victim and a female perpetrator. I used a convenience sample of grad and undergrad students, nearly all of whom were programs related to mental health (clinical psych, MFT, LCSW). Unfortunately, even among a group of would be professionals this tendency to make excuses for the perpetrator and implicate the victim is still prevalent. I agree that we need a poster child. In fact, we need as many poster children as we can get. It is going to take a massive and sustained effort… Read more »
Come on folks, this one is easy. It’s called “SALES”. Women are real victims even when they aren’t, look recently when that woman in DC tried to run her car thru the gates of the white house and was eventually shot by police , all with her kid in the back seat. Almost all the news stories I read painted her as a victim and almost none of them asked the question “What kind of person does that with her child in the back seat”. Same for this, when a woman comes out with a tale of woe, everyone wants… Read more »
John, I agree that men aren’t seen as victims. One way to change that is for some prominent men to come forward and talk about their victimhood, and do so for more than 1-2 interviews. We-the-culture used to think that women who got beaten deserved it, were pathetic, etc., but after a few decades of prominent women coming out, talking about their abuse, and that information being disseminated through the culture, most people’s understanding of & reaction to victims has changed. Well, for female victims anyway……but there’s a huge number of male victims out there waiting for things to change… Read more »
Sorry, but I don’t think we need a male poster child for rape, like we never needed a female poster child for rape. And nobody needs to be a poster child for rape, no matter their gender. It’s awesome that people like Axl Rose and Ozzy Osbourne broke the silence, but we don’t need anyone, male or female, to step up on stage and say “I was raped as a kid and all my work (all my life) will be about that”. Women are encouraged to do that and all it does is make us more and more depressed. It… Read more »
Hi Cynthia, I think you make several good points and I agree that we don’t need an ongoing drumbeat of stories about men who were abused, nor do we need to wring those folks for every dime they’re worth. At the same time, I do think we need some more of those stories to be public and discussed broadly in order to 1) provide more models for guys who were abused who are still trying to figure out how to cope or explain it to the important people in their life, and 2) change the national dialogue in the US,… Read more »
But such men would provide a much needed balance. The reason the discourse is so unbalanced right now is precisely because the poster child for rape is a girl (not a specific girl mind you just girls in general). I wonder if Andrew is looking for a male poster child instead the alternative of trying remove the idea of a having a poster child because it may be an easier course. Trying to make the conversation on rape/abuse/dv a gender neutral conversation can get real ugly real fast because the people that deny male victims do so because they want… Read more »
I’m with Danny on this.
And having a “poster child” makes issues more personal & appealing on many levels. It facilitates greater interest in the topic, empathy, and understanding.
@ Cynthia I’ve spoken to men in the survivor community and the thing I hear is that the lack of images of abused men / boys prevent them from acknowledging their abuse and is an obstacle to not only finding help, but to healing. Imagine if every poster, commercial, and article framed rape as a crime women did to men. Do you think that a woman being raped by a man might consider herself an aberration? Do you think she might start wondering why this happened to her when it doesn’t happen to other women? Do you think she might… Read more »
. Imagine if every poster, commercial, and article framed rape as a crime women did to men. Oh you make a good point John. As men we are considered to consider the perspective of women where while growing up they never see images of female heroes (or extremely few) in stories, that there aren’t many female role models in certain industries (what woman does a girl aspiring to get into science look up to?), and how they are constantly bombarded with male this and male that. I think you are pointing out something similar here. Its just that instead of… Read more »