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The next time you feel that rush of hurt and danger and you want to attack or run away, don’t. This isn’t saying don’t feel the emotions. Do feel the emotions. Feel the hurt, fear, anger, but don’t attack or shut down. Be like a deer or hawk or any other animal, become more alert. Stop.
The moment we stop and observe is a way to understand more clearly what we are feeling.
Our experiences of danger are as real as anything we sense, even when they are based on inaccurate information. The smell of popcorn can be coming from the kitchen or our past. Both are connected.
The practice of clarity or mindfulness offers us the opportunity to separate the present from a memory. Your memory of the smell of popcorn right now is a real experience, but is there actually popcorn popping? If so I’d like some, please.
Another example…if I tell you there’s a burglar outside looking in your window, you’re capable of having a rush of adrenaline and a bunch of thoughts supporting that reality.
Why does this happen? Because you are experiencing the meanings of words you’ve learned. As you read them your personal history grouped them together and in best animal fashion, instantly decided whether or not you are in danger. Of course you’re not, because the burglar is gone. I sent him to your next door neighbors.
Anger is an experience of displeasure, upset or hostility. Like all our experiences, anger is our reaction to a combination of senses and stored information. Our focus here is whether the threat is real.
Burglar. Outside. You instantly process these two simple words into a resulting emotion and thought. Notice that it could be good or bad, upsetting or of little importance.
How much of your anger is based on actual danger or threat?
Consider the possibility that almost all anger is
- based on thoughts
- based on memory
- based on old pain still influencing your responses.
Your interpretation of my burglar friend came from within you. It was your real experience-based response to my words. If you had a strong negative response to the burglar, please accept my apology. My goal is to help you see your ability to both project and respond to imagination.
Let’s move from the burglar to your childhood nemesis. Who comes to mind with the reference to “childhood nemesis”? Did someone pop into your mind? This is an example of how fast and accurate your responses are. I believe memory travels at the speed of light.
Like a rabbit or a mouse, you are intent on staying alive and carry both genetic and personal history to keep you safe. That means keeping away from dangers we have already stored in memory. Our goal is to be accurate in our reactions and to avoid anger when it is unnecessary.
Anger often happens in families. Our closeness and familiarity turn our relationships into a type of shorthand. Our reactions continually tend to be simpler and simpler. Just like us our family members are processing information all day long, intent on enjoying life and staying healthy. We can tie our shoes or eat our food while thinking of other activities. Paying attention to this sophisticated, evolutionary system can help us avoid the mistaken anger trap.
We all make about sixty thousand decisions daily. During that time we are likely to have mood and strategy shifts. Our day may be going along wonderfully for a solid hour and then, out of nowhere, family members can suddenly seem annoying or threatening. One word, comment, or shoe in the middle of the hallway can feel like we are pushed up to or over the edge.
Anger is intelligence
Like all emotions, anger is part of our natural guidance system. All feelings, whether physical or emotional, arise from the same intelligence which intends for us to live, love, and to enjoy. We all have comfortable and uncomfortable feelings, which steer us toward or away from experiences.
It’s no secret that anger has a bad reputation. This is due in part to discomfort which comes with anger and rage. We don’t feel them unless we also feel pain or disquiet. The goal of this article is to illuminate the value of anger, which ultimately protects us.
Our question is from what? From what is anger protecting me. Our misuse of anger arises when we misinterpret the world ‘out there’ as dangerous when it’s actually not. Yes, we have experienced some intense discomfort urging us to resist intensely with words or action.
Staying with the question of what anger is protecting me from, I can quickly find I have judged what just happened through a lens of old, painful experience. The comment, inconvenience, harsh word or tone can be traced to a past event which is still simmering within us.
So yes, intense angry responses are part of our natural wisdom, and yes we can and very often do use them mistakenly. So rather than misusing anger, what can we do?
Do you consider your ancestors?
Our culture does not encourage awareness of our heritage strongly enough. Most of our thoughts are about ourselves and what we are trying to accomplish or avoid. This may seem impractical, yet bringing our awareness to a bigger picture that includes several or even all our lineage can help us understand our anger.
Right now, as always, you are breathing. That breath is part of your life, a life handed down from parents to children for all generation. Have all your ancestors breathed? Of course.
This awareness of our connection to our past can help us cross through anger to bring patience and kindness to the present moment.
If you bring your awareness to that breath and direct it to your ancestors, that choicer can be the opening in our pain and fear that leads us to be valuable in the present rather than trapped in the past.
Breathing went on in all your ancestors. When we consider this with acceptance, we immediately connect our consciousness to a truth that is much bigger than any individual reality. Without this breath, we will cease. With this breath, we continue as part of something incomprehensibly sophisticated and wonderful. We are alive and breathing our mother, father, grandparents, ancestors and their ancestors, we are part of a mystery unfolding. Right now you are unfolding just as any life form. The change is endless. So why be angry? Is there an actual danger here and now? Hasn’t life found its way to this moment through all your previous trials?
Consider the effect of turning your awareness to all the generations leading up to this moment. Surely all the ancestors had their challenging even life-threatening moments which they moved through. You are the result of their continuing, their balancing, their commitment to bringing good into their life.
Whether you knew them or not, you can touch them and accept their lives as guidance and encouragement guiding you through the shifting moment of anger back to your actual purpose.
Consider your mother, father, children, ancestors. Why are you here, now?
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This post was previously published on TheFatherhoodConnection and is republished here with permission from the author.
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