I watched “Welcome to the Men’s Group” last night and was surprised by my wide-ranging emotional reactions.
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I was touched by the courage of the men to speak authentically. I was embarrassed and anxious for some of them when I sensed their struggle to express things they felt ashamed about. I felt sad for the men that avoided truly “checking in.” I was relieved when they spoke from their hearts and when tears of true sadness finally flowed freely. I found the movie thought provoking and an excellent contribution to the culture that challenges the current definitions of what it means to be a man and looks for concrete ways to help.
I am a staunch advocate of men in that I support them as humans and not constructs of a society that puts them in boxes labeled “Real Man” or “Not A Real Man.” In fact, during a discussion in Welcome to the Men’s Group when one member challenged the “manliness” of the others, I found myself cringing and wishing they could abort the concept all together. Do we really need to define masculinity or can we define humanity without breaking it down to gender?
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Every human on the planet is different, a unique combination of genetics, disposition and life experiences that shape the way we think and feel. Yet, in the words of Harry Stack Sullivan, “everyone is much more simply human than otherwise.” One of the main things that connects all humans together across sex, gender, race, religion and culture is our inborn shared emotions.
With a little help, I know the aggression and other expressions of acting out, like Carl running naked through traffic, could have been averted.
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Men are often surprised to learn that all people, men and women alike, have the exact same inborn core emotions of sadness, fear, anger, disgust, joy, excitement and sexual excitement.
Men are often relieved to learn that emotions are not something to be avoided and not at all something to be ashamed of. Humans do better welcoming emotions and using them wisely. Emotions provide key information that helps us not only survive, but thrive in modern times.
I am a trauma and emotion-centered psychotherapist who helps both men and women find greater peace and self- acceptance through understanding how emotions work in the mind. I help people contact their deepest emotional truths, going beneath the layers of protective armor we all wear. Radical acceptance of what we feel universally leads to better mental health, authenticity, and vitality.
Throughout the movie, I found myself wanting to help the men in the group. I wanted to help them name the emotions they were experiencing, particularly the emotions that lead to pain and strife among the group members. I wanted to help them make sense of their emotions, thoughts, and behaviors. I wanted to teach them healthy and safe ways to discharge the intense emotional energy that arose during the group. With a little help, I know the aggression and other expressions of acting out, like Carl running naked through traffic, could have been averted.
Could The Men’s Group’s Benefit from Learning A Few Basic Biological Facts About How Emotions Work and Some New Skills To Manage Them
We cannot prevent emotions from happening. With mental strength and practice, we can, however, prevent destructive actions.
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Despite the men’s intention and desire to be open and act peacefully in life, buried emotions played out, not through constructive sharing, but through desperate acts: kissing the other member’s daughter, spending excessive amounts of money on material possessions, and lying about business and romantic successes, to name a few. The emotions driving these “unhealthy” or “destructive” behaviors were valid and should not be judged because “emotions just are.” We cannot prevent emotions from happening. With mental strength and practice, we can, however, prevent destructive actions.
The group members did their best to listen and support each other.
I was moved and happy to see them try. Yet they struggled to uphold the goals of their beautiful and courageous Manifesto.
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For example, Mohammad was furious at Neil for talking with his wife. Many of us would feel the same way. Still, Mohammad could have benefitted from learning how to set boundaries and limits without resorting to intimidation tactics. Mohammad could learn to say to Neil, “I am so enraged and I feel betrayed by you talking to my wife. Just the thought of it makes me want to hurt you. I never want you to talk to her again and I’m not sure I have want to see you again.”
Big reactions usually have their roots in childhood relationships with fathers, mothers, siblings or traumas. Sharing the roots of intense reactions helps stop them from happening in the future.
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A statement like that marks the beginning of a conversation, not the end. The shift from action to verbal self-expression is a hard one for people to make. First it takes the ability to notice when you are becoming reactive. Following awareness, it takes a conscious choice to slow down, apply impulse control, and switch to a stance of curiosity about the interaction. We must ask ourselves, “What am I experiencing now that I cannot tolerate that I must discharge it with aggression or avoid it.”
When Neil explained he was trying to be a good friend by talking with Mohammad’s wife and Mohammad didn’t believe him, Neil could have asked, “What specifically makes you doubt me?” Perhaps there are good reasons but perhaps it has more to do with Mohammad’s views of the world, his expectations from others, and/or his issues with trust. Only by talking will they find out.
Here are a few other sample questions Neil could ask Mohammad:
“What did my talking to your wife bring up for you?”
“What did you imagine were my motivations?”
“Can you think of other reasons I’d want to be friends with your wife besides wanting to have sex with her?
Here are a few sample questions Mohammad could ask Neil:
“How did you think I would feel if I knew you were talking to my wife about me?”
“How would you feel if the situation was reversed?”
“Can you understand why I feel so angry and betrayed?”
“Can you promise me that you will think about my feelings next time and ask me first if I’m ok with you discussing private things with my wife?
What resources, supports, tools and education are required to foster greater openness, emotional risk taking, and that can mitigate shame and aggression?
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Healing conversations continue until two people fully understand each other. If a conversation devolves into a confrontation with yelling, shouting or violence, two things must happen immediately: 1) The conversation STOPS until both parties calm down (techniques such as deep breathing or taking a walk around the block help calm anger); 2) When tensions calm down, the discussion should be resumed. It is important to review what happened that triggered such an intense emotional response. Big reactions usually have their roots in childhood relationships with fathers, mothers, siblings or traumas. Sharing the roots of intense reactions helps stop them from happening in the future.
Throughout the movie, the men did their best to stay calm and talk. Just having the goal to openly share with other men is healing. I am left with the question of how groups like these can be improved so men feel even safer to share and problem solve together. What resources, supports, tools and education are required to foster greater openness, emotional risk taking, and that can mitigate shame and aggression?
Welcome To The Men’s Group started an important conversation.
Men need emotional support just as much as women. Welcome To The Men’s Group offers a replicable model that all men anywhere can implement. How far can men take this idea? How can women help? What supports, education, and skills do men need to take the idea to the next level? Let’s keep talking. I for one am hopeful!
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The Good Men Project will be hosting an exclusive Panel Discussion with the writers and producers of Welcome to the Men’s Group. For updates and an invitation to the online event please register below.
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Hilary, I have also watched the film, and the trouble with basing your diagnosis of the challenges men face on their portrayal in Welcome To The Men’s Group is you’re seeing them through a distorted lens. I know a few men have spoken up in the writer’s group with their approval of the film, but I am also involved in men’s groups and other men’s work initiatives and I count myself a strong critic of the representations in this film. It simply doesn’t portray or reflect my experiences of men’s groups, and is harmful in the way it lampoons men’s… Read more »