I love this brave wild flower thriving against all odds. I never watered it nor do I care for it, yet it’s so beautiful and thrives in its environment. People, and relationships, are not like this wildflower. They need a lot of care, time and communication. In short, nurturing.
A lot of relationships suffer from untreated childhood trauma suffered by one or both partners. I felt compelled to write this essay after reading too many essays on Medium.com decrying that my partner is a “narcissist.” Since I am not a licensed psychologist, I refrain from diagnosing. Then it occurred to me that perhaps we need an article that takes a more holistic view of the pain of relationships, and believe me, I have suffered.
It is very hard for some people to accept that in order to be a good partner to another person you first have to be your own best friend. It’s tricky because this same trauma creates self-doubt, anxiety and unhealthy behaviors. It is next to impossible to have a healthy relationship when trauma is not addressed by both parties. Choosing to not have relationships is not a solution because people are social creatures and need others. Therefore, denial of this situation creates more trauma for those interacting with the traumatized person, especially as they become serial monogamists who find fault in every single one of their partners. We might be tempted to put labels on these folks or say something like “he’s a player” or “she is just in it for xyz.” But is this really useful, in the long run? Many times putting labels on this real pain diminishes the fact that this person inflicted great hurt to the other. I have sat with many a friend who is trying to figure out what happened or why he or she stopped calling and honestly, I’ve been that person who stopped answering and the person who was left with the questions.
Ouch.
Let’s be honest: this pandemic seems to have exacerbated any kind of deficit in coping skills that probably normally would have been tolerated. I see it and I have been there, trust me! My doctor even told me that at least half her patients are getting divorced. This is a secondary pandemic.
My years of experience with online dating tells me that it lends itself well to trauma survivors to present themselves in ways that can easily mask their underlying unresolved issues. I’m not even suggesting that these people are trying to be deceptive. I don’t think most are, but some warning would be helpful and save a lot of heartbreak. Maybe my story can help someone else.
No one is perfect but some of us are works in progress, like my wildflower. Some of us are less so, for reasons I’ll explain later. Walking the talk is 1,000 times harder than talking the talk. As for me, I met my ex-spouse online, dated for three years and was married for four years. Neither of us had ever been married before but we had both had longer-term relationships previously. The marriage itself was hard, there was a lack of communication and true partnership. It went from “we need counseling” to “I don’t want to be married anymore” in about three months during the pandemic. Divorce was the only thing we could agree on in the end. I have kept a journal throughout. One of the themes I see is my own evolution from blaming him to understanding what really was going on, or at least what I’d bet $1,000 was our biggest problem: Untreated trauma and unresolved emotions from very tough childhood(s).
I’m not ready to date yet but after realizing that my ex-husband fits this profile. In fact, the more I read, the more I realize that this is the same profile of so many other men I met online! Therefore, when and if I were ready to date again, I’d be smarter and avoid online “dating” relationships altogether, opting instead for meetups or other in-person activities where I might meet someone who actually shares my interests, not someone who only SAID he shared them. There is a huge difference between the two, especially seven years later, as I have so much more insight into myself and online communication. I’m going to definitely walk the walk and it may never pan out into another relationship, but my relationship with myself is bound to be so much better as a result. That’s the relationship I am betting on.
The good news is that this pandemic has made some therapies more accessible online and/or over the phone. I guarantee that anyone who feels they are ready to address trauma will be supported. Times have changed with all we know about Adverse Childhood Experiences or ACEs.
Finally it’s NOT your fault if trauma entered your life as a child. Never blame yourself. You are not alone, there are so many people, including me, in your same situation. You probably just don’t know it because we are socialized to NOT discuss unpleasant life experiences. We need to get rid of this stigma and have open and honest discussions so that people can access the help they need.
There are many resources to help you recognize adverse childhood experiences and how they may contribute to difficulties you face today. A good place to start is a 10 question survey that is linked to the 10 types of childhood trauma from a website for the American Society for the Positive Care of Children at https://americanspcc.org/take-the-aces-quiz/
My score was an 8/10. This is what the website says:
“With an ACE score of 4 or more, things start getting serious. The likelihood of chronic pulmonary lung disease increases 390 percent; hepatitis, 240 percent; depression 460 percent; suicide, 1,220 percent.
The most important thing to remember is that the ACE score is meant as a guideline: If you experienced other types of toxic stress over months or years, then those would likely increase your risk of health consequences.
Fortunately, our brains and lives are somewhat plastic, which means our mental and physical health can improve. The appropriate integration of resilience factors born out of ACE concepts — such as asking for help, developing trusting relationships, forming a positive attitude, listening to feelings — can help people improve their lives.”
So my score is high and I have no problem sharing this with you because I don’t feel stigmatized. I know that as a child, I had nothing to do with events that happened to me before I was an adult. No one has it easy and my childhood is no exception. What matters to me is that I have learned and grown. What I have done in all those years since turning 18 has helped me to work on myself, trying to recognize my reactions to situations and to continue to evolve and find peace. I don’t always succeed but I am lot happier now that I know I am in control of my emotions and reactions.
One thing that I have learned is that a person with a score as high as mine most likely has dealt with some of their ACEs but it’s something that only THEY can address, if they choose to. Honestly, I do not believe a person can deal with all of these without outside, professional help. I couldn’t and I am grateful to the many helping professionals who have assisted me on this crazy journey.
I will share that no matter how much I tried, I could not move my partner to action for himself. If I had, maybe things would have been different. But my view is that this was a learning process I had to go through and now that I learned, I have the duty to myself to apply that knowledge to the road ahead. I feel like that is a more productive use of my energy than harboring resentment or labeling my former partner, despite the fact that many people have told me he is a “narcissist.” At this moment, nope, I don’t think that. I think he has untreated childhood trauma and I hope he gets the help he needs.
He is on his own journey now that we are — happily! — divorced.
Good luck on your journey!
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Previously Published on medium
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