Jane can go on incessantly about her kids. Any topic in this wide wide world circles back to, yeah you guessed it right, her babies. She is a proud mom who takes pride in the fact that all that she does, has done, and will do was/is/will be for her kids. They are my life, my everything- she says.
As I sit with her, I am reminded of the cartoon series ‘The Coyote and The Roadrunner’? Remember? The coyote incessantly running after the roadrunner and failing to catch it. It was funny.
Being a mother of one, I know parenting is a beautiful experience. Exhaustive, yet so fulfilling. But that does not mean that being a parent should not be just about being one and nothing else.
Are you one?
Are you someone who relates to Jane more? Okay, let me ask you a couple of questions.
Are your conversations mostly about your kids?
Is your daily routine mostly centered around your kids?
Do you usually end up in the kid’s section of a shop?
Are most of your purchases for your kid?
The magazines you get, the articles you read…
Now go back to the coyote and the roadrunner. And see yourself as the coyote and you know who the roadrunner is.
If only you could pull yourself out of your body and have a good look at yourself. Sadly it’s not possible. Else you would have heard yourself screaming at the top of the voice:
YOU HAVE NO LIFE!!! GET ONE!!!
It’s time you woke up, darling, or better still, shake yourself so hard that it sheds off the am-all-for-my-kids skin that you are wearing.
You have to understand that as parents we are all responsible for our kids. But that does not mean that we have to do everything for them, maybe except breathe for them.
What’s your reason?
Are you doing it to prove that you are a wonderful mother?
Are you doing it because you want your kid to be the best — in everything?
Are you justifying your being at home and not in a job?
Or because you were raised like that and you perceive it’s the best way?
Whatever the reason, it’s going all southwards. Sorry to disappoint but you need to pause, breathe, and soak in the reality.
Why should you not do it?
I will give you four crucial reasons why you should not become such hovering parents.
Independence and confidence
Study says that running to help your kid each time might look right but in reality, you are not helping your child. You might be saying in many ways that you do not have confidence in what your kid is doing.
Being on their own helps them in making decisions and being confident about themselves.
Kids need to fall and scrape their knees. You cannot keep them padded and cocooned forever. They will learn from their mistakes more than yours. You cannot be prescriptive about it.
Self-importance
Kids see and learn. I had seen my mother toil her full day for us and our family. I interpreted this should be the right way. Thankfully I corrected myself later.
Children need to see that you care about yourself. Having a me-time is not a crime. Not being at the beck and call of kids is perfectly fine.
Empty nest syndrome
Your kids are going to go away chasing their destiny. What then? As you close the door and turn around, you should not be like- what now? You have filled your entire self with your kids and now there’s this gaping hole staring back at you.
Many parents have fallen into this ditch. The more you were clung, the harder is the fall.
Having something of your own makes it easy to deal with this.
How do you do it?
Well, now you have come to the right question.
Find your thing and own it
Something that you are passionate about. Something you want to try your hands on. Something that you have been thinking to do. And always remember, it’s never too late. Do not go into the zone that no point starting now, anyways. Now is always the best time.
Cut some slack
Let your kids be. Not every moment of life needs to be productive or meaningful. Letting go and letting loose is a more definitive way to have more control over life. Occasional event of a meal slightly delayed, a t-shirt slightly crumpled, or a missed class is not going to change their destiny. Breathe and loosen up.
Teaching your kids to be accountable
Not just for yourself, but for them. Kids need to be equipped to be able to handle things and situations in the future. That’s the primary responsibility of parents. Starting with small decisions, we need to empower them to make big ones.
Starting with small chores, letting them be in slightly uncomfortable situations and trying to manage them, encouraging them to take responsibility for some things- are healthy practices.
Conclusion
Having a child is the best thing that happens in a parent’s life. No doubt about it. The problem is when one makes it the only thing that has happened in his/her life.
It would be like running on a path with blinders on and being devoid of all that is around you. And even your kid is devoid because he/she is being chased by you.
Don’t make raising your kids the sole objective of your life. You are so much more than that. Explore yourself.
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Previously Published on medium
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