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“Are you listening?” That’s what my good buddy, Jay, says to me when he is telling a story, and I am looking down at my phone. I have also said the same to him. We are both long-winded storytellers. If you have said these words, your love language is Quality Time.
What is a love language?
Dr. Gary Chapman is a marriage counselor and author of The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts. In his fantastic book, Dr. Chapman describes the five ways people receive and give love. Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Physical Touch, Receiving Gifts, and Quality Time. When I first read this book, it was eyeopening. It not only helped with the relationship I was in at the time, but it explained so much about me and every other relationship I ever had, romantic or not.
The gist of the Five Love Languages is as follows:
People have a love tank. When their love tank is filled, they are on top of the world. They are overwhelmed with joy. They can accomplish anything. They are better fathers, mothers, employees, students, etc. How this love tank gets filled is by receiving one or more of the five languages mentioned above. The thing about the love tank is that it resembles one of those toys for toddlers where there are different shaped holes for different pieces to fit in. The square will not fit in the hole for the star. Some people’s love tank may only have an opening in the shape of a star, but their partner keeps trying to fill it with squares. It just doesn’t fit, and so their love tank doesn’t get filled. Going through life with an empty love tank can be devastating.
People who are unaware of the love languages automatically default to giving love the way they receive it. For example; if they feel love by Receiving Gifts they assume that is how their partner will receive love. But if that is not their partner’s love language, he or she will not feel the love being given to them no matter how much their partner sends. (Have you ever given someone a gift and was disappointed in their lackluster response?) This, in turn, can lead to frustration and resentment with both individuals. Partner B thinks, he never shows me love, while partner A thinks, why doesn’t she appreciate the love I am showing her? Each partner loves each other but how one sends love and how the other receives it is in two different languages. Nothing feels worse than being unloved by the person you love the most in the world. This feeling can lead to all sorts of problems to include the eventual and unnecessary end of the relationship.
My primary love languages are Quality Time. I didn’t know this about myself until I read Dr. Chapman’s book and took the Love Language test found on his website. My partner at the time had read the book first and took the same test. Her primary love language was Words of Affirmation. By default, I showed her love by spending quality time with her. This fell on deaf ears, so to speak. She used to always ask me why I loved her and I always responded, there is no reason. I just do. (I am a firm believer that love is unconditional. That if you love someone because of a particular reason, what happens if that reason goes away. Does your love also go away? I think not.) I feel my theory on love is sound, but it didn’t matter to her. She was essentially asking, no, begging me to show her love to which I refused. The day I read The Five Languages I completely understood, and that very night, while we were in bed in complete darkness, I recited a long list of why I loved her. She wept out of relief and joy. She finally felt the loved that I had for her.
What is Quality Time?
Quality time is complete and undivided attention. Sometimes it can equate to just being around your partner. I have always loved going to a cafe with someone and us both working or reading in silence as we sip our coffee. But once a person whose love language is Quality Time speaks, he or she will need your complete attention. This is where the term Are you Listening comes from.
When I learned that Quality Time was my love language I was able to look back on my life and see why I got so bothered when people did not pay attention to me when I was speaking to them. To this day, I can sense when people are not listening, even if they are looking right at me. I am such a talker though that sometimes I can’t stop sharing my story even though I am thinking to myself, This person just checked out.
Undivided attention means no phones, no tv, no pets, no other people, nothing. We need your complete attention to feel loved. I remember the first interaction I had with a barista I had a crush on in Boulder, Colorado. I ran into her at the park and took advantage of the situation to strike up a conversation with her. “Hey, don’t you work at The Cup?” She looked up from her phone and recognized me. The next thing she did was lock her phone and put it face down on the grass next to her. Though we were practically strangers, this small gesture meant the world to me. Nothing more than a casual acquaintance came from this interaction, but for that brief moment, I felt love from this woman.
When not speaking our love language hurts.
Not giving us the attention we need leaves us feeling unloved but blatantly refusing to provide us with that time down right hurts. It’s the complete opposite of what we need. To put this in perspective let’s look at some of the other love languages.
If a person’s love language is Words of Affirmation, this means they are susceptible to what their partner says to them. Hearing the words, I Love You, fills them with joy and pleasure. Unfortunately, this means hearing the opposite can completely destroy them. Yelling and screaming, telling them to eff off, or to get out of your face crushes their soul. The same goes for hitting someone whose love language is physical touch or even not touching them at all. And also, taking back or destroying a gift you gave a partner whose love language is receiving gifts. If our love language is how we feel love, then it also makes us vulnerable to feel hate. For those of us whose love language is Quality Time, the words, I don’t have time for this is the worst thing you can say to us.
Make some time.
I know we are all busy. Life, kids, work, they take a lot of time out of our lives but giving us the quality time we need doesn’t have to be hours long. Sometimes a few minutes alone is enough to recharge our batteries (Or fill our tank as Dr. Chapman calls it). My current partner and I just went through the hell of selling her house. With the closing date fast approaching, we busted our butt day and night for weeks — packing, selling items, hauling off the trash, and making trips to Goodwill. On one of these days, I collapsed on the couch while she lay on the floor. I was completely drained and didn’t feel like going on. That’s when I said to her, “Can you come over here and make out with me for twenty-seconds.” She agreed and came over, straddled me, and gave me a few seconds of devoted attention. We ended up chatting for a few minutes after my twenty-seconds were up. That was all I needed. We worked well into the night wrapping bedroom furniture in plastic, getting it ready for storage. Those few minutes of love led to hours worth of work getting done. It, in fact, saved time.
Another example of life charging quality time that doesn’t take up much of the day is showering together. At first, I thought it was because I just enjoyed the opportunity to be naked with my lover, but then I realized I was getting the quality time I needed on a daily basis. In the shower, it is just us. No phones, TV, dogs, or any other distraction. It’s just her and me completely separated from the world. She washes my back, and I rinse the shampoo and conditioner out of her hair. It’s perfect. I feel so loved and rejuvenated in those few minutes.
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This post was previously published on Medium and is republished here with the author’s permission.
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