Okay, that’s really a trick question because people are always communicating. The only time you’re not is if you’re by yourself or asleep. The real question is; are you not listening or is your wife not saying what she means? This seems to be the question the universe wants me to address right now.
Two of my clients emailed me this week in utter confusion and frustration. Each had once again found themselves at a complete loss for how they had “screwed up” in the eyes of their wives. One found himself on the wrong side of the “Mindreading School of Marriage” and the other was caught in the unwinnable position of rejecting his wife’s assertions about what she knew he was feeling vs. what he actually was feeling.
Now I know it’s quite common to believe that women know all about relationships; that they are great communicators and men just don’t listen. But sometimes, women don’t tell the entire truth.
Women have been taught to not be direct in asking for what they want. But hints often get missed. Women ask yes/no questions when they really want ‘yes’ and get hurt when their guy honestly thinks ‘no’ is a valid option. Women often don’t say ‘no’ to things they don’t want to do and then get upset when their husbands are relaxing. These are all very common forms of miscommunication that create real problems.
But what my clients are facing is extremely challenging because their wives are telling them one thing when the truth is the exact opposite. This is because their wives were taught as children that it wasn’t safe to be honest. They had to hide what they were really thinking and feeling because sharing wasn’t welcomed, it was punished. So, each learned to bury their truth deep and give the “acceptable” answer.
And they still do. Which leaves my clients stepping on communication landmines on a fairly regular basis.
The truth becomes harder if your wife came from a challenging family. Almost all of us came from some level of dysfunction. The more your wife experienced, the more truth she is keeping from you. The hardest part is that she’s been doing it for so long she may not even be aware it’s happening with you. That puts you in a real Catch-22. Like my clients, whatever you do will be the wrong thing.
This is when you have to stop trying to listen to what she says and start to get curious about why she is saying it. Paying attention to the pattern of miscommunication and arguments is the way to uncover this unconscious behavior.
Yes, I know that isn’t fair. And I know you probably don’t know how. Yes, you undoubtedly have your own scars and your own coping behaviors from your childhood to deal with. And that makes changing all of this really hard.
But it’s not about comparing. It’s about creating a space where your wife can be honest. You aren’t responsible for her past, but you are reaping the consequences. You’ve learned that calling her on her confusing or contradictory behavior doesn’t go well. But letting things continue this way is exhausting.
The answer is to invite her to share how you mirror her past, no matter how much it hurts or whether you agree with her story. Her wounds have shaped her perception. It isn’t about absolute truth but how it gets spun in her heart.
You may know some of the story. I guarantee you don’t know it all. But, when she is able to share her total experience, reveal her deepest pain, and feel loved and accepted in a way she never has, you will have broken the spell.
It won’t be all rainbows and flowers from there on out. However, it will be a healthy beginning. It will be a series of fits and starts. But if you can hold steady and continue to be her safe port in the storm, you will make the relationship you both desire a reality.
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Previously published on foundationscoachingnc
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