When I met my now husband, he was 42 with a painful romantic history. He’d been cheated on by every woman he’d been with seriously since he was 25, including his ex-wife.
To say I had to handle him with care would be an understatement. He was cautious, paranoid, and overreactive at times, and I don’t blame him, especially as we were becoming more serious. While more commitment might be a comfort for most people, to him it meant bracing for emotional pain.
As a relationship coach, I’ve encountered many people who seem to always date cheaters, and it’s always baffled me. I’ve wondered, is there some common trait in the cheater that the non-cheater is always attracted to? Is it something in the non-cheater instead?
I don’t have an answer for those questions, and the science, up until this very month, didn’t study the traits or characteristics of the non-cheater.
Research on cheating has primarily focused on the cheater: how the cheating happened, the quality of the relationships and if there may have been anything in them that led to the cheating, and if there are common traits among cheaters.
The Study
In a study published on June 10th, 2020, Meghna Mahambrey sought to answer the question, “What kind of person gets cheated on in relationships? What are their traits?”
1,577 participants completed interviews and surveys, and 19% reported being cheated on at some point. Mahambrey then gathered information on personality by asking participants how well certain personality traits described them (such as extraversion, agreeableness, neuroticism, conscientiousness, and openness).
The results?
People who were more careless, less hard-working, and unorganized as well as more warm and helpful were the most likely to have a partner cheat on them.
When I looked at that list, I realized my husband had many of those traits. He’s so fucking helpful, for one. After we’d become serious, he agreed without a second of hesitation to take off work to stay home with my sick son when I couldn’t. His smile and dimples were one of the first things I noticed when I met him.
Even though he’s a hard worker, he’s terribly unorganized. We are currently buying a home together and our mortgage lender told me, “I know to call you first because you’re always the one to make sure things get done.” My partner has his strengths, but organization isn’t one of them.
What These Results Mean
There are some theories why these characteristics (more careless, less hard-working, unorganized, more warm, and helpful) might be more prevalent among non-cheaters.
For one, being a more agreeable (warm/helpful) person might mean that your partner could think they’d be more likely to be forgiven for their transgressions.
Being more careless, less hard-working, and unorganized can also relate to other problems that could lead to lower relationship satisfaction. The researcher explains, “Having an unreliable, immature, or lazy partner could increase stress and conflict when navigating day-to-day responsibilities such as paying bills, doing household chores, attending work events, honoring personal commitments, and so on.”
What You Can Do
None of these characteristics are inherently bad or mean you are doomed to be cheated on or responsible if you are cheated on. The cheater is the one who violated your relationship’s commitment, not you.
Frankly, we should all want to be “more warm and helpful,” and we shouldn’t have to worry that we’re going to push our lover into someone else’s arms because we are so. What you can address is whether your agreeableness is actually a nice way of saying that you don’t put up boundaries (aka codependency). Maybe you have a tendency to accept unacceptable behavior, which sets you up to be mistreated and taken advantage of.
If you happen to identify with being called “more careless, less hard-working, and unorganized,” it’s on you to decide if those are traits you’d like to change. If it’s something you’ve seen to cause stress in your current and/or previous relationships, it may be time to reach out for help on how to address them (like seeing a therapist, life/career coach, or professional organizer, etc.).
There’s no way to cheat-proof a relationship. You can try your very best to select the right person, but things happen. The best you can do is not hold yourself responsible for the actions of others (especially if they cheat on you!) and take care of addressing whatever you decide to within yourself.
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Previously published on psiloveyou
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Photo credit: by Anaya Katlego on Unsplash