“I’ve got some sort of numbness/avoidance/emotional suppression going on that I didn’t recognize until you called.
And the only thing I felt when you asked me how was I feeling, was an aversion to answering the question.
And now I feel like I’m going in circles because I realize something —
I have no skills with which to manage emotions…other than avoiding them.
Jesus Christ. Now, I’m having feelings.
And I’m not in a moment when I can indulge this kind of (I was going to diminish myself and say ‘ridiculousness’, but instead I’m going to be generous and say) ‘emotional-navel-gazing’.
Idk what I’m supposed to do.
The feeling is, once again, ‘Hopelessness and despondence for the win, Johnny! Tell her what she’s won!’
‘Well, she gets to chase the same tail she’s been chasing her whole fucking life!’
And when I feel hopeless, I can justify quitting. So that makes sense.
Me: ‘I’ll do anything for people not to leave me.’
Except I push them away.
I avoid EVERYTHING.
And I’ve taught them to avoid, also.
I avoid relationships.
I avoid friendships.
I avoid feelings.
I avoid talking about feelings.
Because I can’t handle ANYthing.
I have to leave.
No wonder I find myself counting the years until this is all over.
Bailing is kind of my thing.
My worst fear is claustrophobia
because I feel trapped and don’t have a way to get out.
I’m thinking about all those times I broke up with you and why…
and why I kept coming back.
It wasn’t just ‘because my life is better with you in it.’
It’s because you never chased me.
I had to know — over and over, that you weren’t going to follow me.
If you had, I’d be ancient history by now: just some women who you fucked for a few months a couple of years ago…
…the one with the attitude problem.
I want to turn my phone off and go to sleep right now.
Because I want to be alone.”
This post was previously published on Medium and is republished here with permission from the author.
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Photo credit: Medium