Is women’s obsession with beauty because of an intense desire to be attractive to men? And if so, is it a men’s issue?
Mark D. White wrote a post today that gives an honest look at a guy struggling to understand a woman’s relationship to beauty, and how he, as a guy, should talk to her about it. Compliment her looks? Her intelligence? But why—when the woman he was dating was so smart, successful, creative—why did she seem to place such value in being complimented on her looks above all?
Commenter Trev, below, actually helped me articulate my argument, and that is this: Women are not honest about how important being attractive to the opposite sex is. And that causes a breakdown in communication between men and women. And that’s why it’s worth discussing.
I cannot comment about what men think. I don’t even want to over-generalize and pretend to know what all women think. But this topic is a source of much fascination to me (not to mention angst), and so I would like to tell you my worldview. In fact, my observations come from what can only be described as an obsession.
Women would rather be dead than seen as not beautiful.
Sometimes I talk to my girlfriends about aging. After a while, I noticed a pattern—without any hesitation, they all said, “Oh, no, I don’t want to get old. No, thanks, I’d rather be dead.” So then I started asking the question farther and wider, and I got pretty much a unanimous verdict. Women would rather die early than get old enough so they weren’t beautiful any more. Even women who didn’t necessary believe that for themselves fully understand the sentiment.
I am not being critical of men here, not in the least. It is not wrong to want beauty in one’s life—however you define that, wherever you find it. But if men are wondering why it’s difficult to get the conversation around beauty right when talking to women—this is how I see it.
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The other example of “death before beauty” is eating disorders. The experience I have found is that almost every woman who has an eating disorder has it because she has an unnatural fear of being seen as unattractive by the opposite sex. That would be about an estimated 65 percent of the female population. In fact, some studies show the mortality rate associated with anorexia nervosa is 12 times higher than the death rate associated with all causes of death for females 15-24 years old. The suicide rate of that age group with anorexia is 32 times the norm. The conclusion I draw is that women are so worried about being seen as unattractive by men that they can’t eat—even if it ultimately causes irreparable harm.
Brains may be important, but beauty is seen as the cost of entry.
Tom Matlack wrote what I thought was a very thoughtful piece a while back: “Women We Love for the Wrong Reasons.”
His point was that men loved women for much more than beauty: “Yes, good men love women. But we love women in all their complexity, for the things they do, for their intelligence, their wit, their athleticism, their creativity, their power, their force of personality.”
And yet, when this was cross-posted on Jezebel, Tom got lambasted for implying earlier in his post that women, as one commenter said “must be both beautiful AND smart. I mean, what if you’re ordinary looking and smart?” Many responded with a fair amount of vitrol, but some with humor: “Oh, need we be hot also? That takes a lot of time away from my intellectual activities. Plus, a lot of hot-making activities are pretty boring. Can’t it be enough that I’m clean?”
The anger from so many women was the implication that beauty was somehow a cost of entry to even be noticed. And in Mark’s piece, he reinforces that sentiment, “Like I said, a difficult line to walk, especially for men who respect and admire women for their brains and their beauty.”
Beauty gives women privileges they wouldn’t otherwise have.
Yesterday, one of our commenters on this post said, “If Tiger had have taken a golf club to his wife because she cheated would you be describing him as ‘super smart and beautiful?’ No, that would make him a criminal.”
I happen to agree.
Men rarely use the world “beautiful,” except when talking about women.
This was one of those things I noticed decades ago and kept looking for an example to disprove my theory. The only seeming exception was when men were talking about a “beautiful” play in sports.
But all the things that I, as a woman, think are beautiful—art, far-off galaxies, kindness, a street performance, a complex mathematical equation that makes me go “ah”, a thunderstorm, poetry, a strategic business plan, a hurricane lamp made from a coffee can with holes punched in it—none of those has ever brought about the word “beautiful” from a guys, certainly not with the awe-filled tone of voice that I hear when they talk about a beautiful woman.
Personally, as a woman, that puts enormous pressure on me—to be constantly worried that I am the only source of beauty other than the woman next to me who is (without a doubt) more beautiful than I am.
I am not being critical of men here, not in the least. It is not wrong to want beauty in one’s life—however you define that, wherever you find it. But if men are wondering why it’s difficult to get the conversation around beauty right when talking to women—this is how I see it. And maybe the way to have the conversation be so less charged with peril is for all of us to simply expand our vocabulary about what beautiful really is.
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Read Mark D. White’s article “Beauty or Brains: Which is More Important to Emphasize?” here.
I totally agree, Lisa. The word “beauty” has become a boring cliche of a word (and concept). It has been so hijacked/used by the cosmetics/glamor/fashion industries that using it in any serious way is really a sign of complicity in the regime that uses it to keep (mostly) women (mostly straight women) spending excessive chunks of their income, time, energy, attention and souls on the pursuit of it. Very, very sad.
As a naturally pretty girl, I don’t care about my own physical beauty at all. It’s a part of who I am, sure, but I don’t play it up. It just is what it is. I don’t wear makeup for this reason. But more importantly, I am so tired of this superficial society. I can’t stand how boring and uninterested most people are. I would like to meet people who challenge the status quo, who want to live on a more involved level. I have had one boyfriend in my whole life (I’m 30 now) because I’ve never met a… Read more »
Bravo, Erin!
Sad that I came to this discussion so late! Ok, this is a very complex topic… I would say… Have you ever read the novel “La dame aux camélias” written by Alexandre Dumás (the son). There is an Opera about it, which is called “La Traviatta” by Giuseppe Verdi…. And if you watched the movie “Pretty Woman”… Ok, there is some connection… “Pretty Woman”, female beauty… Ok, I strongly recommend anyone go reading Dumás’ novel, strongly go attend or at least watch in DVD “La Traviatta”. I don’t recommend much watching the movie “Pretty Woman” but it is ok, go… Read more »
Hmmm, the only problem with this is that, as usual, the woman has to be physically “beautiful” to get the male’s attention in the first place. I think the Helen of Troy story is pretty relevant here, i.e. how men’s pursuit of the trophy (in their eyes) that is external female attractiveness caused the extreme ugliness & horror & brutality & death of a huge war in which many were killed for not only no good reason, but basically for a few males’ lust for that one externally good-looking female person. Though in reality, the ugliness & horror is what… Read more »
You will never convince me that men are truly interested in a having dialogue about beauty with women. That is the equivalent of treading on a field of active landmines while strapped with plastic explosives. The truth is, most women are not classically beautiful and most men know this. Men and women work AROUND this fact, as they have been doing for millions of years. Somehow it all works out. The best that a woman can do is learn to examine her attributes objectively and WORK IT, BABY!
might as well mention that neither are most men classically beautiful, I mean as long as you’re objectifying one gender
no, honestly, “learn to examine her attributes objectively”? There is no “objectivity” when it comes to the idea of beauty, and no, women shouldn’t have to “learn to examine” anything. People in general should become less immature and superficial.
I liked the article overall and found it very interesting, I don’t want to come across as nitpicky, but the way you talked about eating disorders struck me as oversimplified and (innocently) misunderstood and I had to say something. It bothers me when people think silly girls wanting to look hot for men is the cause of eating disorders. It’s very very complex and from personal experience, I would say that the cause stems more from self hatred and the desire for control that in fact has nothing to do with looking attractive for the opposite sex. (And many many… Read more »
Let me point out that even being beautiful…you can still be obsessed by it. I’m fairly beautiful…to myself and others. And I catch myself alot gazing in mirrors admiring myself. But it’s not a loving gaze…it’s more like a power trip. Like a “I feel so insecure, but I’m so beautiful that no one will notice” look. I’m sort of addicted to it. But I like the feeling of power I get from it…but it’s not a healthy powerful feeling but more like…because I’m beautiful I feel safer…(people are generally alot nicer and more intimidated of me on my ‘hot’-ter… Read more »
This seems to be a pretty common theme among my super-attractive female friends. The more beautiful she is, the more insecure and afraid of being ugly she is. Why? Because most of the validation a really attractive woman has gotten in her life revolves around her beauty. The more beautiful she is, the more times she’s heard “You’re so beautiful” as opposed to any other good qualities she may have or more substantial things she may have achieved. Being physically beautiful is “enough,” it seems, to open all sorts of doors, but if that beauty were to suddenly go away,… Read more »
As a man, I don’t believe I have used the word beautiful in describing another human being in the past ten years. Compared to Ship Rock silhouetted against the desert stars or a bronze by Rodin or the few off a mountain top it just doesn’t seem right, somehow. That’s not to say I don’t find the other people beautiful, it’s just a very different feeling and it doesn’t feel right lumping it together under the same word. I don’t know, maybe I’m just crazy. As far as weight concerns go, especially with anorexia, I don’t believe men are providing… Read more »
I don’t think it’s really men that put the pressure on weight, I have always thought women are the ones that add that pressure on to each other. When I was a size 12 men were telling me how sexy I was and my girlfriends were asking if I had tried SlimQuick.
Men are visual, more so than women, when it comes to mating. It is one of the psycho-biological imperatives of being male — gay or straight or betwixt and between. The challenge for men is to move past the imperative and move into the realm of conscious choice. Desire, of course, knows no reason, and we will be attracted to those we are attracted to whether or no it seems fair to the world at large. I suspect that the unfair advantage beauty gives to both men and women is universal. We can rage at a lack of justice in… Read more »
I agree — except — it seems unfair somehow. Like all other unfair advantages are called to task and people actively make changes to try to erase those. But with beauty it seems like “oh well, if you’re not beautiful you lose”. I’m a little harsh maybe, but not much. It’s a big reason why I think older people are marginalized, and so it has everything to do with agesim also.
Dear Ms. Hicks, I am generally impatient with complaints about what is and is not “fair.” We may wish matters of all kinds were more fair. However, in my experience and observations, too, fair is a concept that applies mostly to board games and sports, but not as much or as often to life. In the real world, we are all contending regularly with a range of advantages and disadvantages, too, that have nothing at all to do with what is or is not “fair.” Physical beauty, like money, is in some ways an advantage, regardless of how one comes… Read more »
“Men rarely use the world “beautiful,” except when talking about women.”
Do you have empirical–as opposed to merely anecdotal–data to back up this contention? Perhaps I’m an outlier, but I use (or think) the word “beautiful” in connection with a whole host of sensory phenomena, including but not limited to the sensation of a beautiful woman knocking on my sense door .
I did not have time to read through all of the comments above, so I apologise in advance if this was already addressed. I am shocked at the simplicity that you use when discussing eating disorders, “The experience I have found is that almost every woman who has an eating disorder has it because she has an unnatural fear of being seen as unattractive by the opposite sex.” This idea dismisses the seriousness and complexity of what an eating disorder is. In fact, in my experience although there may be common stories, rarely are any two sufferer’s experiences and root… Read more »
Thats a fantastic article, thank you for sharing. Also, its always nice to see a gender article from either side that doesn’t go down the road of “the other gender never has it this bad.” I think if more feminists and masculinists were able to write like this we’d find out how much we have in common Heh 🙂 firefox is trying to correct masculinist as a spelling mistake, but not feminist, clearly mozilla are misandric. I’m going to try and keep track of how much I use the term “beautiful.” I use it a bit, mostly for visual artwork… Read more »
I spend 90% of my time thinking about how unattractive I feel. Another 5% of that is thinking about how wonderful it must feel to be one of the beautiful people. The remaining 5% I’m asleep. I have never felt beautiful or attractive, although I have been told that I am. I lack confidence terribly but have learned to fake it quite well. I truly feel that if I looked in the mirror and saw a beautiful face, I would be confident. However, I am intelligent and successful in my own right; I would throw all of that away to… Read more »
It all begins with self-love. And for this to happen, you have to change your thinking, your beliefs about yourself and your negative self-image. Even if you were beautiful, it is not going to last. And then what? What does last is brains, knowledge, curiosity, character, achievements, the love you give to others, real friendships. Be authentic, know thyself, as the wise Socrates said. We are such a shallow society, rarely bothering to look beyond appearances. You will find that the less you fixate on yourself and look outwards, the happier you will be.
Thank you for your honesty, Erika! I hope you will find a way to allow the praise you receive from then men who find you beautiful to sink into where you really live. Even just reading what you wrote, I am already convinced you are beautiful. I also agree with your observation that women are often more critical of other women’s appearance than men are. The painful hypercriticism with which women view themselves and other women seems to me to a symptom of some kind of arrested psychological development, in which young teenage girls have their closest relationships with their… Read more »
Meant to post this here, not below: Your comment is awaiting moderation. Thank you for your honesty! I hope you will find a way to allow the praise you receive from then men who find you beautiful to sink into where you really live. Even just reading what you wrote, I am already convinced you are beautiful. I also agree with your observation that women are often more critical of other women’s appearance than men are. The painful hypercriticism with which women view themselves and other women seems to me to a symptom of some kind of arrested psychological development,… Read more »
“Women would rather be dead than seen as not beautiful.”
I’m a man and I would rather be dead than poor.
You think I’m exaggerating and trying to relate to you, etc, but this is the truth for me.
Death doesn’t scare me at all, but being poor is terrifying. Fortunately there are ways to die that are cost-effective and free, hahaha.
And no, I’m not suicidal as I have a great life.
An excellent point, Jordan!
And a good comparison between a man’s material wealth and a woman’s physical beauty.
I wonder if anyone else has noticed a paradox that comes up a lot when discussion women’s beauty and men’s reaction to it. I don’t think Lisa’s piece says anything like this, but it seems to come up a lot when talking about women trying to look good for men. The paradox goes like this: On the one hand, men are super particular about the kind of women they are attracted to. We men have totally unrealistic expectations about how average women should look, and we hold to this standard even in the face of evidence to the contrary. We… Read more »
That is a great point, Anonymous Male! (am I allowed to call you that?). I totally agree that’s a problem. We will write a post about that — or maybe even just use your comment as a conversation starter. thanks!
I find this article sad and sexist. Yet once more it’s not women’s problem to take responsibility for themselves, but men’s duty to change and be what women want. The correct answer to this problem is not to offload it onto men, it’s for women to accept their own need to be perceived as beautiful and stop belittling each other for caring about finding love and partnership. Humans are human; we all notice beauty and we all need love. Making the best of your chances in the mating game is common sense. It’s the profound insecurity attached to that process… Read more »
Yeah I agree. Women competing with women… for sure
First we should begin by not calling kids cute, pretty, beautiful, etc., instead we use words ‘kind’, ‘hard worker’, ‘good job’, ‘loyal friend’, ‘quick learner’ , things like that. Then kids won’t get the idea in their head and instead focus on what matters.
Don’t blame men for women’s desire to be beautiful, and their insecurities because of it. Other women have done far more damage to my self esteem. Now, almost 30, I have no close girlfriends unless my sister (and a couple of her friends who I’m friendly with, but not close) and my mother count. Haven’t since high school, my best friends are and always have been guys. I have female acquaintances, but no one I’d call close. I can actually have meaningful conversations with my guy friends – the girlfriends I have had in the past, it all ended up… Read more »
“The experience I have found is that almost every woman who has an eating disorder has it because she has an unnatural fear of being seen as unattractive by the opposite sex.” I have to strongly disagree with this statement. As someone who is now recovered from an eating disorder and does a lot of research and writing on this issue as well as conversing with others who are currently going through an E.D. or who have recovered like myself, rarely is the reason for one’s eating disorders simply to become ‘more attractive to men’. An eating disorder is a… Read more »
One place this obsession begins is in the peer dynamics of adolescent girls. A lot of teen girls are terrified of being labeled “stuck up” or something similar. If you show that you are too confident or accepting of your appearance, others may try to tear you down or shun you. You will be branded as the one who thinks she’s better than other people. It’s easier to fit in if other girls hear you insult a few things about your own appearance, so they know that you’re one of them. But don’t go too far, or you’ll be too… Read more »
The perception of beauty is a moral test for us men, What a
“Man” finds to be beautiful is usually a reflection of his heart interiority.
I for one have seen that what fades with time is just usually the illusion that the flesh
Is what can constitute real love between two people.men and women are imature persons who are both at arms defeat and arms poised against each other.
Is it men who make women obsess about their appearance? Is it other women who make us feel bad? Interesting question, but not the whole story anyway. To paraphrase Eleanor Roosevelt: no one can make you feel ugly without your consent.
I’ve noticed that men use the word “beautiful” rather arbitrarily when it comes to women. A”beautiful” play in sports is pretty objective – any spectator would likely agree with what the man saw. However, when it comes to women “beautiful” can be really subjective and also men most often say it to prove to other guys that they are heterosexual. A “beautiful” woman (as defined by Proctor and Gamble, Vogue or Playboy) is a useless entity if she wants nothing to do with the man admiring her, he’ll suddenly find a litany of insults to describe her then. Rich men… Read more »
I’m not sure it’s a question of being accepted – I think it has more to do with not being invisible – at any age. We live in a crowded world – and the only way not to feel like just one more ant is to be seen by other people. And it’s a fact that so-called beautiful people are ‘seen’ more than those with less attractive faces. However, a smile can make a big difference in this regard. My 91 year-old mother (still wishing she was better looking) makes it a game to smile at people in the street… Read more »
I’ve never met anyone who doesn’t care about how they look, so I have to say that the comments that say “I don’t get it” don’t really seem to jive with me. Yes, to speak of anorexia and the preference of dying over aging may be extreme examples, but this is a very real and life-long issue for a lot of women. Myself, I’m confident, independent, and self-sufficient (even self-employed), and I have always enjoyed nice compliments about my looks, so I don’t think there’s really an issue there, even though I look at my late 30’s emerging lines on… Read more »
i really love this article