Once and for all, let’s stop saying “boys will be boys.”
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“Boy, you’re gonna carry that weight…Carry that weight a long time…”
-The Beatles, Carry That Weight
Boys are getting a bad rap.
They are being reduced to the lowest common denominator.
They are suffering the permissibility of low expectations.
They have no self control. They have violent urges. They have uncontainable sexual tendencies.
Boys will be boys.
What does this oft cited phrase even mean? Does it mean that because they were born with the Y chromosome that they are inherently impulsive and helpless to their own actions? Does it mean that it is natural for them to be more violent, more sexual?
Or is it an excuse trotted out to dismiss unsavory behavior?
Is it an antiquated notion that keeps boys boxed into a hyper-masculine role while putting the burden on girls to keep order and civility intact?
I know a few boys.
I am a sister, a wife, a mother, a daughter. I’ve been blessed with some amazing boys and men in my life. Most of the boys I have known and encountered have been sensitive, intelligent, thoughtful people. Very much in control of their own actions. Yes, I have known some jerks. But they truly are the exception in my life, not the rule.
I love men.
I always have. I grew up having more guy friends than girl friends. I sometimes felt more comfortable and at ease with my guy friends. I love masculine, strong men and I love sensitive, artistic men and I love that these traits aren’t exclusive of each other. I don’t look at men as adversaries. I don’t view them as opposition. I view them as friends, as neighbors, as fellow parents- as people full of good and sometimes a little bad but mostly just human and trying to do their best.
Let’s stop saying it…
Let’s stop saying “Boys will be boys.” It is said when little boys fight on the play ground. Instead of breaking up the fight and teaching them that there are other ways to problem solve, some people use this phrase as an excuse. Let them get out their anger, let them blow off some steam. It’ll toughen them up. Does this not seem an antiquated notion? Doesn’t it send messages that are hard to undo? Hurt and damage young boys who don’t necessarily enjoy fighting?
Let’s stop using it as an excuse for boys to grope girls. To say demeaning things to girls. Let’s not speak this phrase to imply that boys cannot control their urges around girls. To imply that it’s natural for boys to be misogynistic. It’s not. Misogyny is taught.
Let’s stop saying it when enforcing a dress code that is mostly thrust upon girls. Shorts must be a certain length. Skirts must be a certain length. No spaghetti strap shirts. Why? The reasons I’ve heard all seem to point to a few disturbing notions. Either that little girls will be viewed as too sultry or sexual when wearing shorts or tank tops or that it will put boys in the uncomfortable and impossible position of having to control their sexual urges. They will be too distracted by the show of flesh. So girls are all sultry sirens of the sea luring poor dimwitted boys to jump in the ocean, devoid of any self control?
Let’s stop saying it when men make lewd or inappropriate comments towards women. When men make crude and laviscious cat calls at a woman walking down the street.
And, dear god, let’s stop saying it when a boy sexually assaults a girl.
‘Cause here’s the thing…
Not all boys or men do these things. These are not behaviors inherent in the male species. Not all boys are violent. Not all boys are lustful. Not all boys view girls as objects. Not all boys are distracted by an exposed shoulder or an extra inch of thigh. Not all boys want to demean girls. Not all boys believe that they have rights to a girl’s body and privacy and sense of safety.
I don’t think any boy is born with these tendencies. They will have more testosterone, yes. And surges in testosterone can lead to feelings of anger or sexual urges. (And let’s start admitting that girls have sexual urges too.) Boys can be taught how to deal with these feelings. They are beyond animalistic instincts to act without regard to others or themselves. They are more evolved than that. To dismiss bad behavior with “boys will be boys” implies they have no control. It implies that they are subject to their worst impulses.
It is insulting.
The line of thinking that goes along with the “boys will be boys” mentality is an insult to boys. It is just as insulting as assuming that women are uncontrollably emotional and irrational because their bodies produce more estrogen. It only teaches boys that not only is bad behavior ok, it is expected of them. That it is evidence of masculinity. This is ridiculous. You know what’s masculine? Being honest about your feelings, showing emotion. Being respectful of others. Honoring other’s rights and needs. Understanding those around you.
I believe in setting high expectations, not shrugging away boorishness.
I believe that most boys don’t want to have to fight on the playground.
I believe that boys are completely capable of self control.
I believe my son doesn’t need to “prove” his masculinity any more than my daughters need to “prove” their femininity.
I believe that boys are capable of functioning around girls, even scantily clad girls, without succumbing to hormonal fueled hysteria.
I believe that if we stop dismissing behaviors and excusing them and expecting them, that we will raise strong, masculine men who respect themselves. Who respect women. Who want to be productive and not destructive. I believe that we can raise boys who won’t grow up to grope women. To make insulting cat calls. Who won’t say misogynistic things to women, to female senators. Who won’t assume rights or ownership to a woman’s body. I know it’s possible. I know many of these men. Many of whom grew up to be great men in spite of society’s banal accommodation of “boys will be boys.”
So let’s give boys some credit. Let’s assume they are capable of the best. Let’s expect more and in doing so imply that we know that they are more than able to do more. Let’s allow them to be who they are, not what society deems as masculine.
And once and for all, let’s stop saying “Boys will be boys.”
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Photo: tiffany terry/Flickr
This essay originally appeared on Gretchen’s blog, Drifting Through My Open Mind.
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Well, in regard to men and boys, regardless of how we come down on either side of the conversation at this point in time, the real win is that we are having the conversation…finally.
Yes, this! Thank you…VERY well said. I have been a Stay-at-Home-Dad for my two children since 1997, and I think this is spot-on. I have too often seen the phrase thrown around as an excuse for bad behavior. We allowed none of that around our home, and I am happy to say we have a strong young woman (off at college) and her younger brother who treats women & girls with respect and as friends. I think you are absolutely right…misogyny is a learned behavior. It is up to us as parents (and human beings in general) to say “it… Read more »
I love your writing style, Gretchen…in a language that I fully understand. I’d launch one preemptive comment here though. We’re we once failed our boys, we are now failing our girls. Under the guise of “emancipation from oppression” we’ve taken all controls off of our girls, and they too are now running amok, but we, like the kings new clothes, simply don’t want to see it. one day we will start to realize that Caty Perry and her ‘dick song”, or Miley Cyrus riding and sucking a giant penis on stage have become their parents, we will, hopefully begin to… Read more »
Thank you DJ! I think sometimes there is an over-correction, especially when bucking a standard. I want my daughters to feel empowered and comfortable in their own skin, but do I want them grinding in a thong at Spring Break? Or posting naked selfies? Um… NO. Do I want them to adopt hyper-masculine tone and mannerisms because they think that will make them appear more confident? No. And I don’t want my son to feel like he has to tip toe around women and girls, that he has to parse every word for fear of being called sexist. I don’t… Read more »
Just returning the favor, Gretchen, because you also got my mind churning…and I also love when that happens, when someone really makes me think!
I personally understand boys will be boys as an injunction for parents to not seek drown out the inherent adventurism and risk-taking that boys exhibit. Because of the formal education system society has been trying more and more to police boy’s energy.
I remember I used to wrestle at school. Some schools no longer allow such “rough” play.
What’s important to remember is that the energy, curiosity and adventurism that boys often come with has a purpose in our human lives. It should not be suppressed – it should be channeled.
“What’s important to remember is that the energy, curiosity and adventurism that boys often come with has a purpose in our human lives. It should not be suppressed – it should be channeled.” Isn’t that the point? Society started boys will be boys because they needed boys to be disposable as men. Somebody had to do energy exploration. Somebody has to stop that wild fire or your home is getting burned down. That’s one issue I have with this article. It doesn’t talk about boys will be boys as it pertains to risky behavior. The type of behavior that if… Read more »
You seem to have a very narrow minded view of what the use of “the energy, curiosity and adventurism” is in general society. Not everything that requires the ability and willingness to take risks leads to deadly situations. It takes a risk-taker to start a business, or a religion, or a political party. Almost everything worthwhile in life requires a level of risk tolerance and the very great endeavors require an even greater risk appetite. This is what boys are born with. And we should be grateful for it and it should be celebrated.
@ Thanda i don’t disagree, but even those risks can have dire consequences for the boy. He loses his house in bankruptcy because he mortgaged it to star a business. Where is the men’s shelter? Maybe he closes his business and doesn’t take the risk because he got a woman pregnant and needs the steady paycheck to pay child support. Wouldn’t it be great if the ACA covered reproductive services for men or men had the right to legal parental surrender? Not every fireman dies battling a blaze. My point is society uses these men / boys to “grease the… Read more »
100% Agree with you. Men should be supported and well rewarded for their willingness to take risks – although to some extent therein is a contradiction: if there are safety nets then is it still a risk?
@ Thanda
“if there are safety nets then is it still a risk?”
To some extent the risk is mitigated, but not entirely. gone There’s also opportunity cost, quality of life, etc. It’s safer to jeep my house with a 9 to 5 even if there is a shelter, I’d be much happier in my home.
Quite right Thanda. the term “boys will be boys” has been kidnapped and turned on its head and into some form of pejorative that need fixing. How surprising !!
Thanda, when my rambunctious, strong willed son was a toddler, someone said something that really stuck with me, “Don’t break his spirit.” It made me pause (I think I was in the middle of trying to calm him down) and I’ve repeated it to myself many times over the years (he’s 15 now.) I would say that we need to get rid of “boys will be boys” and replace it with “kids will be kids.” Shouldn’t all kids have natural energy and curiosity? Each to different degrees that (I think) has little to do with sex. If a boy doesn’t… Read more »
“Boys are stupid, throw Rocks at them” go look at how many MILLIONS that little polite society meme has generated, and just who do you think is buying those shirts and supporting the iconography for over a decade? I have a manipulative bratty sister, a whorish dead mother, a paedophile ‘Great Aunt’, three welfare moms that like oxy / meth like like it is candy as cousins – and none of them have had a marriage that lasted longer than the qualifying lap for divorce, entitlements, or infidelity Let’s quit the lying social mantra that ‘Girls are made of sugar… Read more »
I had another comment was deleted. The mods probably thought it was too mean. I’m not going to debate that they may be right, however, the point is a valid one and I believe an important one that hasn’t been explored here to my knowledge. So let’s have the conversation that no one else is having (in a civil way). The article assumes that the boys are being bad because well, they want to do something bad or society is causing them to do something bad. OK, but let me examine another possibility which was alluded to in the other… Read more »
Well said, Mr. Anderson. It seems that we are too busy or really don’t care about looking and discovering the facts about why some boys are acting in a bad manner.
Maybe it gives people conform to think that he’s acting out because he’s a boy. We wouldn’t want to think that something like abuse is driving him to it. Nah, that would mean we’d have to recognize that boys can be victims as well.
The one thing I never seem to see in articles like these is when your boys engage in risky behavior never excuse it as boys will be boys. I guess we still need young men to risk their lives in energy exploration, put out fires, etc. When boys choose not to read let’s not assume that it’s just a boy thing and let’s not just assume that he doesn’t want to read because of a defect in him. Find out if his teachers value the boys as much as the girls. That I think is the missing piece. We also… Read more »
Society expects boys to”man up” in the face of abuse……which is simply not expected of girls…….there has to be a pressure release somewhere……it’s not as if boys as a group are offered empathy and caring. Being stoic in the face of abuse is expected of 5 year old boys and somehow society fails to note how ludicrous an expectation that is.