Isn’t this the million dollar question? We all spend time alone, but many of us have spent years inside relationships, wondering if “this is as good as it gets?”…or “am I missing something?”
Those of us who have left those toxic relationships break free from so much, but also end up alone. And being alone is a dangerous land for most people.
To avoid being alone, many newly single people jump into bed with the first thing that walks by. To avoid being alone some of those people marry that person. The few people who understand why they became single in the first place, remain single for some time. They do their “work” until they can trust their own judgment and won’t dump their baggage on the next person. This is the hardest shit in the world. And many people just don’t do it. It’s that hard.
I doubt there is any real way to get the stats on the question above, were I to research it properly. But I see it this way:
Most men would rather be lonely inside a relationship.
Most women would rather be alone.
Don’t get all pissy with me about making those blanket statements, but since women are the most likely to initiate divorce these days, it makes sense, right?
We all have the tendency to get bored in long-term relationships. That is normal. Boredom is not what we are talking about today. But to be lonely inside a relationship is unacceptable for me. And I was…for decades.
I wonder how many of you are or have been as well.
Since my divorce, I have thought about how hard it has been to adjust and try to make up for almost 3 decades of lost full-time wages and networking time. The process of building a life is more than exhausting and feels lonely…but its a different kind of lonely.
This kind of lonely feels like its all up to me, though. Its supposed to be different. I’m not supposed to have someone there to help me along, and support me. I just left that “someone” and there won’t be another one. I’m not supposed to have someone come home from work and actually want to be with me. I’m not supposed to have someone plan a date for us every blue moon, or at least on my birthday. The man that was supposed to do that never did those things…and now he is no longer here.
Being lonely in a relationship is confusing. We try (and fail) to convince ourselves that it is a phase, that next month, next year will be better. Once the kids get older it will be easier. Once he climbs the ladder at work and makes enough money it will be easier. Whatever. It doesn’t get better or easier.
It changes, yes. But the sad thing is, is that once the kids are gone and he makes the wage he is happy with…where are you? You are stuck with a man you don’t know because someone went MIA for too long. Yeah, you might have the money you need to go out with your friends or start a new hobby. You might even be able to travel a lot to go see your kids. But, is that the dream you always had? Didn’t you want a partner, someone to share your life with? I cannot be the only one who ached for this.
You are lonely inside a marriage. It’s just the hard truth.
But people stick it out all the time. I see many couples at the age my parents are, that live like this for the last 40 years of their marriages. And they all stay together for reasons that would not make me stay.
Sure, the financial stability would be lovely. But the price of using his money would never be worth it…ever. Yes, the regular, even mediocre sex, would be nice, but not worth it. Having and holding onto the same hand when going through hardship would not even be worth it. The consistency of having my kid’s father in our lives would not be worth it.
We all have to decide what we value most. And I value my own self-worth more than selling out to an ideal that just about put me six feet under.
Being alone, sleeping alone most of the time, and having the challenges of being single sucks. But, there is no one to shame or guilt now. There is no one to tell me how much more I need to work, how much more I should be getting paid, or that my “time is hardly worth that much”.
There is no more feeling bad about having sex with man who I had no choice but to have sex with…this was my husband. He was the only choice I had, if I wanted sex. Yes, that’s a whole other blog to write.
There is no more being gaslighted and subsequent onset of confusion, wondering what I did wrong or what I could change next to make him happy.
Being alone is hard sometimes. But it does present possibilities that depend on ME. It no longer depends on another person who may or may not show up. It doesn’t depend on the weather patterns or someone’s mood swings.
If it does, then I need to start over again, and quickly. In the meantime, I opt for spending a significant bit of time alone, finding out how many of my own needs I can fill, finding out how I can avoid needing anyone ever again. I want to find out how to be enjoyed and be challenged in a healthy way.
I will never be in a marriage again, but I hope loneliness inside a committed relationship is something I will never have to walk away from again. I will, though. Because I deserve better than that.
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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.
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