Miserable being single? Miserable in a relationship? It’s hard to admit, but maybe you’re the reason why.
Miserable single, miserable in a relationship — we’ve heard these complaints before, whether they’ve come out of our own mouths or the mouths of friends.
In situations like these, it’s hard to realize that maybe you’re the common denominator.
It’s obviously not a fun conclusion to come to nor is it an easy one, but if you find yourself miserable in a multitude of situations, then maybe you are the one who is causing yourself to be miserable.
Too many people falsely believe that a relationship will bring them happiness, but the truth is you can’t be happy in any circumstance until you are happy with yourself first and foremost.
People too often will come into relationships with personal issues they desperately need to fix.
They use the relationship as a vessel to work through their problems, but these issues should be fixed before entering a partnership.
What ends up happening is those problems get reenacted, causing stress, hardship and arguments with your partner, which will inevitably lead to misery and most likely a breakup.
Past issues need to be worked out on your own before you can bring someone else on board. How does it even make sense to bring someone who is so far removed from the situation up close and personal with an issue they can’t even understand?
Unfortunately, the more these issues continue to seep into your relationship, the more destructive it becomes, and thus, the more miserable you become.
So before you continue, you need to realize your inability to work through your issues is making you depressed, not the relationship itself.
So how do you make sense of this?
Your happiness isn’t contingent upon your relationship; it’s contingent upon yourself.
If you were miserable before entering a relationship, why would you think that would solve all of your problems?
Being with someone isn’t a miracle cure-all. In fact, there is no way to have a healthy relationship if you treat it as such.
If you have a personal issue that needs to be resolved, only you can fully fix it.
You can’t expect a new relationship to suddenly solve all of your issues that have nothing to even do with it.
The relationship status isn’t the issue; you’re the issue.
Someone not wanting to fully commit to you? Too hung up on a relationship status? Do you think maybe this person doesn’t want to commit to you because you don’t really have your sh*t together?
Stop trying to blame the reason you’re not in a fully committed relationship on the other person.
It’s obviously difficult, but once you learn to look inwards and fix those issues, I’m sure that commitment will come a lot sooner than you expected.
Stop finding things to blame; try to find ways to fix them.
Instead of focusing all of your energy blaming situations, why not try and fix them?
Of course bitching is a lot easier (and honestly fun), but fixing them is much more worthwhile and sustainable.
No one is going to want to be with someone who lets their problems accumulate while doing nothing to resolve them.
In fact, all that will do is drive someone away. I mean think about it — if the situation were reversed, how long would you last?
The fights you have with yourself are being replaced with another person.
The fights you’ve internally been having are now getting displaced upon someone else.
Is this the healthy way to solve problems? Of course not. Are we all guilty of this behavior? Absolutely.
Instead of manifesting our problems in the shape of another person, you have to work through them on your own.
You can’t expect someone to just come into your life and magically make all of your problems disappear. That’s unrealistic and sadly foolish.
Relationships will add new problems, not fix old ones.
When you get into a relationship, there is no doubt that new problems will arise.
If you don’t handle the issues you had before a relationship began, how do you think you will successfully work through the new problems that will inherently arise?
You need to take care of your personal issues first, and then only when those are dealt with can you move on to others.
No one is going to want a victim.
Learn how to rescue yourself because there is nothing less attractive than someone who needs to be saved.
You need to save yourself because at the end of the day, the only person you can fully rely on is yourself.
You have to question someone who wants to be with you when you don’t believe in yourself.
Why are you trying to make a relationship work with someone who doesn’t even value the importance of loving him or herself first?
That’s some sick and twisted logic if you really think about it. I guess this is why rebound flings don’t end up working out…
Someone loving you isn’t going to make you love yourself.
Self-love is the one type of meaningful love you can count on in your life. You make your own happiness, regardless if you have a significant other or not.
The only person who can make you love yourself is you, and the sooner you realize that, the better off your life will be.
By Ashley Fern
Originally published at Elite Daily. Reprinted with permission.
Ashley Fern holds the position of Senior Lifestyle Writer after being rescued from the pursuits of law school. She was born and raised between NY and South Florida, but spent her most fun years at Penn State, pursuing a political science degree
Photo: Davide Vizzini/Flickr