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I’ve been thinking more about whether I believe that it’s always right to tell the complete truth to a new partner – or whether sometimes it’s in everyone’s best interests to keep quiet about some things.
Here’s an example of when I thought truth-telling did more harm than good – something that happened to me with a former girlfriend which I think has shaped my view that sometimes keeping quiet is the wisest and most appropriate course of action.
A bit of background. I didn’t really “fall in love” with anyone until I was in my thirties. It was a wonderful experience, and at some point, she went off alone for a package holiday in Ireland, which she had booked before we met.
When she came back, she told me that she’d had a fling with a guy she met there – he was actually the (much older) driver of the bus that was taking them around. She explained that he had propositioned her, and because she felt insecure and alone, she had gone to his room for a couple of nights and that it didn’t mean anything more. It shattered me at the time, more than anything because I couldn’t understand why on earth she had told me. I could only imagine it was a way for her to let go of some guilt she felt about it, but to me, it felt very selfish. It might have helped her feel better but it caused me a lot of pain.
It seemed so unnecessary and in a way unfair; all I really needed/wanted to know from her when she came back was how she felt about ‘us’, and /or how she felt about herself. It felt completely irrelevant for me to know that she’d had sex with some guy on the other side of the world unless it meant she had lost interest in our relationship, and if this was a part of her explanation why.
At the time I didn’t have the resources to cope with the sense of jealousy and betrayal which I felt, and I couldn’t come to terms with the thought that she caused me pain just in order to make herself feel better. With hindsight, I believe that the more caring and mature thing would’ve been for her to have kept that information to herself, and only shared truths which had some relevance to the future of our relationship. Maybe I could have handled the details better at a later and more trusting stage of our relationship.
So I do believe that in some circumstance, it’s better not to share everything with a partner when withholding any facts is not a deceit or a contradiction to what that person believes to be true e.g. that I am important to this other person, and she loves me and/or is interested in being committed to me.
On the positive side, with hindsight, I think this experience did help me to grow psychologically, even if it was in a rather brutal way. I became more emotionally ‘resilient – and although found it hard to trust anyone or be vulnerable for quite a long time afterward, when I did start a new relationship I was careful not to have too many expectations at an early stage – partly to avoid any risk of disappointment, but also to let things grow at their own pace.
I’m now convinced that this is the best way off giving a relationship the best chance of maturing into healthy and mutually rewarding intimacy. And if discretion about some things at an early stage is a part of that process – so be it!
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