As a woman, specifically a black Caribbean American woman, I often find pop culture fascinating. I straddle that fine line of immigrant and American, and it allows me to see myself as both actor and observer in both African American and Caribbean Diaspora culture. Despite historical differences, I’ve noticed that the plight is much the same for women.
Kelly was never a role model to me; however, I’d be lying if I stated that he wasn’t ever-present during my childhood. Every single graduating class in the United States circa 1996 probably sang “I Believe I Can Fly” as a class. Even if you didn’t care to know who he was, you had no choice. Ten years and a few hit songs later we knew R. Kelly for a far more nefarious reason—a sex tape allegedly showing him performing sexual and crude acts with a minor.
Kelly may be the poster child of pedophilia, but he is also the poster child of grooming. The narcissist-groomer starts off as a dream come true—sweet, caring, empathetic, charming, giving, etc. He usually provides a sob story about his childhood or romantic past, which may be true or not (though I find the best skilled liars tend to coat their lies with a little truth). The victim then becomes so emotionally bonded that the thought of separation feels like death and his early transgressions are shrugged away because of the narcissist’s previous trauma(s)—“his mom didn’t buy him a Playstation for Christmas on his 10th birthday, so that’s where his anger comes from.”
In the case of R. Kelly and the young ladies featured in the Surviving R. Kelly documentary on the Lifetime channel, just imagine the level of attachment needed to get a grown adult to the point where they will seek another adult’s permission to use the restroom or choose to defecate in a bucket even though they are NOT in jail. It probably takes years of passionately honing one’s craft to be able to bend people to one’s will on that deep of a psychological level.
DO we date R. Kellys in real life, though? Sure, our romantic partner may not have the financial means to be lavish and extravagant, but narcissists spoil victims with attention at first. They spoil them with consistency, conversation, laughter. Then they play games by slowly retreating—making the victim begin to doubt themselves and then chase the narcissist and/or the lifestyle they provide. It takes a number of these push-pull cycles to thoroughly rope victims in—gaslighting their objections and suspicions by calling them needy or crazy and assuaging their fears with the same behavior that made them fall in love in the first place.
Toxic dating culture is grooming. Roping someone in so that the groomer becomes their world, their “best friend,” their confidante. It’s the constant texts that disregard their jobs and educational pursuits because a reply that takes too long to come means a partner is cheating. It’s cutting the victim off from friends by pretending innocent gestures are somehow nefarious or from family by implying their loved ones just don’t “get” him/her. Just like the young ladies in the documentary could not speak to another man in R. Kelly’s presence, toxic dating culture doesn’t allow for a partner to have healthy platonic relationships with the opposite sex. It’s not allowing the person to move on in peace because getting attention is more important.
Kelly is the poster child of grooming in 2019, and I’m thankful for this because we can now explore how toxic relationships and behaviors affect us. I hope that groomers begin to see themselves in the mirror, self-assess, and grow, while victims begin to identify similar patterns in their relationships and cut the cord before they have to start stomping the floor and praying for a pot to piss in.
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