Bryan Reeves proposes a unique holiday gift you probably never thought of.
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I propose a powerful experiment for you this holiday season.
It’s simple: Don’t try to convince anyone of anything.
This experiment will be especially useful if you are visiting family and stressful interactions are routine in that curious tribe.
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This experiment will be especially useful if you are visiting family and stressful interactions are routine in that curious tribe.
Not long ago, I went to visit my mom. My mom’s amazing. She’s in a Maryland Woman’s Hall of Fame for her lifelong humanitarian service. She’s a knockout champion for the underserved and overlooked. We got to talking about all the mindful awareness work I was doing with military veterans, my thriving relationship coaching practice and volunteering for the brilliant Marianne Williamson’s US Congressional campaign. You would think we’d do nothing but nod along in emphatic agreement to each other’s convictions and perspectives.
Not so! My mom’s on constant high alert for any signs of idealistic arrogance in her children.
A few days into my trip, while talking to my mom in the car, I suddenly noticed my voice rising and a light sweat begin seeping from my forehead as she contested one of my fundamental observations about western civilization: most people are suffering in ways we don’t even recognize because we’re distracted with countless diversions, addictions, and made-up disempowering beliefs. Rather than be open to her different perspective about all that and consider the points she was offering (which were actually interesting I later decided), I chose to press in. I didn’t just work to convince her that I know what I’m talking about, I wanted her to think my way.
Idealistic arrogance, indeed.
Does this happen to you?
Do you ever find yourself talking to family when suddenly you find your head swirling with stress, your palms sweaty, your voice agitated, and you’d gladly trade your good health for earplugs and a vodka … or a large mallet (to beat the walls, not your loved one)?
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Do you ever find yourself talking to family when suddenly you find your head swirling with stress, your palms sweaty, your voice agitated, and you’d gladly trade your good health for earplugs and a vodka … or a large mallet (to beat the walls, not your loved one)?
If so, try this experiment:
If you notice a conversation getting stressful, stop talking. Examine your body. Are you feeling tighter or heavier somewhere in your body? Is your heart beating faster? Are you experiencing a desire to flee … or attack?
First, do neither. Take a deep breath and consider the conversation you’re having.
Ask yourself: Is it really so important this person agree with your point of view? What do you get if they do? Validation? A good feeling?
You can give all that to yourself. You don’t need anyone’s permission to think what you think or feel good about yourself.
Seriously, what is the worst that could happen if you simply let them think what they think?
The only thing you have to lose is your attachment to other people’s thoughts, but you stand to reclaim your freedom, your sanity, your joy, your enthusiasm, your blissful peace of mind.
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In most cases, your world won’t change even a little bit if you simply let them think differently than you. Ironically, even if you disagree on a sensitive issue, they’ll probably appreciate you more if you just give them the space to believe whatever they want to believe.
This holiday season, give the gift of letting other people believe whatever they want to believe—even their beliefs about you.
The only thing you have to lose is your attachment to other people’s thoughts, but you stand to reclaim your freedom, your sanity, your joy, your enthusiasm, your blissful peace of mind.
Try it today … and let me know in the comments below how it goes!
P.S. as for me, I’m once again with Mom for the holidays. She’s truly amazing, even when she doesn’t think like me.
—Originally appeared on ThisWildWakingJourney
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—Photo by Jenisse Decker/Flickr
Fantastic article. Too often I find myself doing just this, trying to convince people that I am right. I know this was one of the largest of my failures with my ex that often left both of us depleted in energy.
Going forward I will follow this insightful advice. My world will not change, and it will have no impact on me if I just listen and let them have their beliefs.
Thanks!
Yup. This pretty much ruined the most important relationship in my life, also. Now, in a new relationship, I’ve let go needing to convince her of anything, and it’s so wildly liberating for both of us. Ironically, it just makes her even more attracted to me … because being with someone who allows you to think whatever you want to think is a lot more effortless and freeing than being with someone who’s constantly trying to get you to think differently.
Right at some level; interesting, and for me, good point of view, bad title. ‘Don’t try to convince anyone of anything’? There is some inconsistency: from the beginning you are “trying to convince some of us of something”. Sorry for my english, I’m from Mexico.
Ha. That’s funny. I’m not trying to convince you of anything. I’m just sharing a viewpoint. Take it or leave it. I’m not attached to whether you agree with me or not. Makes no difference to me 🙂
Thanks so much. I find myself in this situation often with a very good friend of mine. I am always struggling for validation of my viewpoint/thoughts. Even before this, I had begun resorting to letting it go and letting him run with whatever he was thinking/saying, even if it meant “ignoring” what I was trying to present. Nothing changes except, as you say, a restoration of your inner peace and sanity. What is lost? Absolutely nothing. Thanks so much
You’re welcome. I’m glad this confirmed your recent experience. It’s truly a liberating experience!
I wish I could say, “Challenge Accepted.” But this seems like mission impossible imo! I did have a fairly successful run part of the year when I hid darn near everyone in my facebook feed.
“You don’t need anyone’s permission to think what you think or feel good about yourself.”
That’s such a powerful takeaway though. Thanks!
You’re welcome. It is powerful, right?! 🙂
Bryan, this came at just the right time for me. It seems lately I have been engaging in conversations that leave me feeling depleted and I may have been doing what you described in this article, stubbornly trying to be understood. This suggestion,don’t try to convince anyone of anything is completely liberating!. Thank you!
That’s really good to hear. : )