There’s only one way to offer a genuine compliment, and it makes us powerful beyond measure.
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There’s only one right way to compliment a woman: freely, with no expectation that she’ll give us anything in return for it.
There’s only one place a genuine compliment arises from: genuine appreciation of whatever gift she’s giving to the world in this moment.
Whether that gift be her radiant femininity, her intelligence, her presence, her physical beauty, her smile, her cleverness, her strength, her love. Whatever she is offering the world in this moment, a compliment is well-suited to tell a woman that her presence is genuinely cherished.
When a man can offer a compliment, freely, with no expectation of anything in return from her, everyone feels great. Acknowledging and appreciating beauty in the world is a pleasure, in and of itself.
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When a man can offer a woman such an acknowledgment, freely and sincerely with no expectation of anything in return from her, everyone feels great. Acknowledging and appreciating beauty in the world is a pleasure, in and of itself.
Unfortunately, too many men only compliment women when they want something from her: a smile, acknowledgment, validation, a phone number, sex, feminine energy, whatever, anything.
That video of a woman walking through the streets of New York, approached, followed, harassed, catcalled, propositioned, objectified more than 10 times every hour … it’s only ugly to us because we immediately get that all those men want something from her that she doesn’t want to offer them, and they don’t care that she feels uncomfortable in their presence. Their selfish, narcissistic disregard for her well-being offends us.
Can you imagine being constantly approached by total strangers who want something from you, who are physically stronger than you and would almost surely take what they want if they thought they could get away with it?
It isn’t just city-street men who make women feel uncomfortable in public. I was in Starbucks yesterday when I saw a well-to-do 50-something-year-old man and a Starbucks employee start impishly elbowing each other in that way adolescent boys do when an attractive woman walked in the store. I felt nauseous, myself, just watching these two grown men mentally gang-bang her as she waited to order a latté.
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Men, we have no idea how powerful we truly are, or where our authentic power resides.
We tend to think our power is in our sheer force of will. Our persistence. Our insistence. Our cleverness. Our anger. Our testicles.
Yes, there’s power in those places. We use them constantly to persist, coerce, manipulate, shame, berate, and cajole women into giving us what we want. Then we wonder why so many women have a hard time trusting most men.
But that’s not where we’re most powerful.
A man’s true power is in his heart.
How is he holding the world? How does he hold women?
Is he only holding the world and women as objects in his mind, in which case he’s going to use both as tools to enhance his ego stature? Such a man will use the limited battery power contained in his will, in his persistence and cleverness, anger and his testicles to get whatever he wants from the world and from women. Even if he has to manipulate, exploit, coerce, or oppress them. Such a man will tend to create a lot of collateral damage as he constantly maneuvers to sustain his flickering power.
A man in his heart will absolutely appreciate a woman’s beauty, and he can express that appreciation in all kinds of ways that won’t make her feel uncomfortable.
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However, a man connected to his heart is a man who radiates power like the sun. He will hold both the world and women with appreciation and respect for their beauty, their life-giving force, their innate mysterious wisdom and infinite gift of love energy. Such a man will treat a woman completely differently: he won’t expect her to return his gift of appreciation and cherishing, though he’ll certainly welcome it when she offers it freely. He’ll experience an authentic power beyond measure.
That may be a bit poetic, but consider that a feminine woman actually wants her beauty appreciated by men. She enhances her physical appearance with jewelry, make-up, perfume, and attractive clothing so that she will be noticed and appreciated.
A man in his heart will absolutely appreciate a woman’s beauty, and he can express that appreciation in all kinds of ways that won’t make her feel uncomfortable. He can even enjoy in her presence the sexual charge that rises in his body like that electric tingle in summer air before a thunderstorm—without making her feel like she has to do something about it. She may not want to do anything about it for him, and he’ll be ok with that because he holds her in his heart. Concern for her well-being is primary in his heart. And she’ll feel that. She’ll instinctively trust him because of it. A new world is born.
Because she trusts him, a woman may open to a man even more in the presence of a genuine compliment, like a beautiful flower opening to the sun, eager to offer its hidden gift to the world. She loves being deeply appreciated, cherished, and a genuine compliment communicates this to her. This is the power of real love. Only a man in his heart can access such power.
When we offer a genuine compliment to a woman, we simply offer a gift: our pure appreciation of her.
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Still, a man in his heart doesn’t ask anything in return for his compliments, not even acknowledgment. For he knows she might not give it, but only because we have a lot of collective work to do earn women’s collective trust back. And we men do have a lot of collective work to do to earn back women’s trust. Women have been mishandled daily for ages, in the streets, at the office, in their homes, by their friends and acquaintances and strangers, by too many men disconnected from their hearts and so challenged to see beyond merely the advantages a woman can offer them.
We men can be thoughtful about that.
We can still give women compliments, too, which they surely welcome as long as we don’t demand anything in return. When we offer a genuine compliment to a woman, we simply offer a gift: our pure appreciation.
As we feel great in the giving, everyone wins.
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Bullshit . Who will read 10pages article. Just give 5 points then elaborate!
The nicest thing anybody can give to someone is a SMILE. It costs nothing and can make someones day. Smile and the world smiles with you, cry and you cry alone.
What, that statement is never true?
Statements like this always come across as rather the-lady-doth-protest-too-much-esque ^_^
There are some good pounts made, but also a lot of privileged, sexist nonsense. “…consider that a feminine woman actually wants her beauty appreciated by men. She enhances her physical appearance with jewelry, make-up, perfume, and attractive clothing so that she will be noticed and appreciated.” No, it’s not all about you. Or anyone else for that matter.
I believe this is inter-change-able and applies to all genders and all backgrounds whether receiving or giving compliments. In the end, intentions behind what people say or do really does make a big difference in the way something is delivered. When things originate from Genuine reasons and authentic actions, things can really go far and raise high value in oneself and of others. As far as compliments go: Genuine Approach, Specific/Unique/Creative comments are good. There’s a fine line between superficial comments on the physical, alone and complimenting on one’s fashion or style (presentation). Compliments are better when people have gotten… Read more »
Look up Zeta Masculinity. Part of it is not doing things simply because “you are the man.” It is about not putting women as the primary focus of your life. Not jumping through hoops for attention or craving approval.
Wonderfully written, thought provoking piece. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. As a man, I want to hold and cherish both women and the world in my heart well. I hope to be a part of a culture of respect and value that is actually worthy of earning the trust of women back. Like I said, thought provoking. Let me ask you this – I’m single. I’m 22. I’m in grad school at a huge university and I see beautiful, intelligent women everyday. I often want to compliment them because I do appreciate their beauty (I hope in a way… Read more »
Hey Nick … it’s a strong mindful practice for a Man (or woman) to be able to simply BE with their attractions without having to do anything about them. That said, there’s nothing wrong with taking action either, as long as you’re completely respectful of the wishes of the person you’re attracted to. “You can have anything you want, if you’re willing to ask a thousand people.” ~ Byron Katie That sentiment presumes you’re willing to honor people’s right to say no and move on. I don’t generally believe in rules about when you should give a compliment, if it’s… Read more »
Sometimes the best compliment one can give a woman is a nod in silence, or a quick glance and smile, or just inhaling a woman’s beauty and expansively radiating that feeling of beauty back out into the room or the world around us. I don’t think Bryan is saying that all compliments have to be verbal. It’s definitely true that a woman will only receive an enlightened compliment if she herself is enlightened, but even if she is not, at least you are creating the space for a new pattern to emerge, at least one is raising the bar of… Read more »
Huh? I don’t get it, honestly. Sounds like a lot of flowery fluff. I’m really not a romantic, though
Sunsetbreak … you nailed it. Thank you : )
She nailed? I think she just went with the flow of how she wants to be treated. As much as I would love doing that to a woman, I know I would be considered a creep if i breathe and glance at a women who walk into the same, except that if she’s my own. That’d be lovely. I don’t have a wife yet. But I was with a girl and I used to love the smell of her and would lighten when she would enter the room. She admitted noticing that about me. I do miss her so bad.… Read more »
And also, women don’t necessarily dress and do their makeup to impress men. I don’t have men on my mind at all when I express my personal taste and style, as the vintage styles I favor aren’t hip, skintight or “sexy”. Also as far as compliments, maybe save them for women you are aquainted with? I still don’t give two shits what random men think of my looks, clothing, body, hair etc. I don’t crave feedback or commentary
Thank you, Bryan. Thanks for understanding us.:)
“A brave man, whose only fault was being a woman.”
(Albert Einstein)
http://www.alberteinsteinquotes.com/images/a-brave-man-whose-only-fault-was-being-a-woman.jpg
Wow! What an awesome perspective Bryan. I felt complimented reading your article. I hope the men who read this take your advice to heart… If they do… they’ll be pleasantly surprised by their wives or girlfriends reaction as well as probably receive more love and acceptance.
I totally agree, Maureen. Men have no idea how authentically powerful we can be when we live connected to our hearts.
I believe that many women don’t know how to accept a compliment either, which may be why men are reluctant to give them. We often make excuses thinking we aren’t worthy. One day at work my boss complimented me on my hair, I said “Really? You like it? I hate it, the colour is terrible…” She put her hand on my shoulder and looked me in the eye and said “Just say thankyou”. Excellent advice.
> impishly elbowing each other in that way adolescent boys do when an attractive woman walked in the store. I felt nauseous, myself, just watching these two grown men mentally gang-bang her as she waited to order a latté. This is a childish comparison. Do you honestly thing that these two men are mentally gang-raping that women in their minds? There is a huge difference between subtly *noticing* a women and ‘gang-banging’ a woman and leaving her scarred for life. Huge. Noticing a beautiful person when they walk into a room is not a sin. It is part of our… Read more »
There’s a way to appreciate a woman’s beauty as more than mere entertainment for a man’s genitals. These guys weren’t subtle. It was locker-room behavior in a Starbucks. There’s nothing wrong with it. It’s just that the world I want to live in is one where men show more respect for a woman WHILE noticing and openly appreciating her exquisite gift of beauty.
Bryan,
As a relationship coach I know you know this. For a man to truly appreciate a woman (or anybody else or anything else for that matter) he must first learn to appreciate himself. All appreciation starts “from within.” A man cannot appreciate/recognize the beauty….the grace and the elegance that exists in all women unless he appreciates/recognizes those very same manly qualities in himself.
That’s for sure, Joe. We will only be able to truly embrace the feminine outside ourselves if we can embrace the feminine within. As long as we continue to reject it within our own being, we’ll reject it everywhere we see it.
Women are not “owed” compliments, or anything else. It will either be misunderstood or create a demand for more.
“Can you imagine being constantly approached by total strangers who want something from you, who are physically stronger than you and would almost surely take what they want if they thought they could get away with it?” If this is how these women view men, then no wonder they’re scared. The only thing stopping these men from taking is the Law? Not morals? I dare say even most of the ones saying smile, or even being catcallers would NEVER rape a woman or take by force. Verbal harassment is very different to physically sexually abusing someone. Should women too also… Read more »
We all have our work to do, Archy. Women, too.
Most of all, me. I have yet to develope the intense hatred of males and myself that Bryan Reeves has. Indeed, I look at my fellow men and I don’t even see villians ready to rape at the slightest opportunity. I’m so fucked up.
Archy, ….and I know you are from Down Under…and perhaps things are different down there…but if you are ever in NYC, you can take a tour in my world….the verbal harassment is something that happens on a spectrum of behaviors…if you have been taking the subways and walking the streets in NY since age 11 like I have, you will understand what it is like to be young, female, and alone in the city….everyone one of my friends from JHS/HS were harassed, groped, and propositioned just getting back and forth from school everyday…hard to believe, right? I know it is… Read more »