I’d like to give a shoutout to Jennie Young for teaching me a lesson with her brilliant article “Want to Meet More Decent Men Online? Write a Bitchy Profile”.
My response was: “This is one of the very few articles I didn’t skim in a while. Thank you, thank you, thank you!” I’m shouting out these words again as I’m typing them.
It made me reflect on my dating experiences with fresh eyes — I knew I certainly wasn’t bitchy enough. In fact, I wasn’t “bitchy” at all — I was playing mind games in a way that eventually fooled myself: I was hiding.
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Here’s the thing: Being bitchy is just being brutally, boldly honest. It’s so important because it saves everyone time and energy — two of the most valuable resources in our lives.
It also saves potential heartbreaks — at least you are not left high and dry, wondering how this happened to you. You know why it’s not working out. It’s not only respectful but also empowering.
The most important lesson I learned, however, is about being honest with yourself, and getting clarity. Dating is just like a business — it compliments your life, not the other way around.
Since I don’t use match.com (although the lead actress of its 2020 commercial is one of my mentors), what Jennie did may not readily applicable for my Hinge profile. However, I still made a game plan for myself, starting with this list and my reasons.
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How I choose online dates:
1. Cross out anyone who smokes, uses marijuana, recreational drugs, or has kids.
Reason: No discrimination, simply personal preferences.
2. Cross out anyone who compliments my looks. No exception.
Reason: I’ve been objectified, a lot, being an Asian woman in the entertainment industry. I simply don’t want any more of it.
3. Cross out anyone who starts the conversation with Hi, followed by “how are you?”.
Reason: Are you a high school kid with tons of time not knowing what to do with your life?
4. Unmatch anyone who is a sexist, racist, or misogynist, right away. This is self-explanatory.
5. Cross out anyone who makes a plan with you, then begrudgingly shows up.
Reason: I’m guessing your heart says no but your brain says yes? That you have FOMO (fear of missing out)? OK, let me do you a favor.
Oh, I also insist on having a zoom call before deciding to meet up in person — even if we only live 5 minutes away from each other. You can get a lot of a person’s vibes, even across the screen.
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How this list changed my mindset about online dating
One-sentence summary: I feel free, unattached, and empowered.
Free of worries, unattached to results, and empowered to stay true to my values. More importantly, it has made online dating seem much easier, less draining, and more fun.
I was drained and disappointed before because I let pieces of me taken away by men I went on a few dates with. Putting this list down on black and white has enabled me to zero in on what I want by eliminating what I don’t want — subtraction, not addition.
I can’t wait to apply this lesson right away. Stay tuned for my evaluation!
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This post was previously published on Medium.
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