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Brain injury research has brought a growing focus on football. In response to the question how fathers and sons can replace the bonding they experience watching football, my wife said simply, “It’s about competition. You replace competition with collaboration. A relationship is about collaboration. Fathers can take their sons into the world like you did and explore without anyone having to win.”
A little musing highlighted how deep and true her words were. As a family therapist, I’ve grown accustomed to guiding people into harmonizing roles rather than competitive. It’s a simple yet very challenging thing to do. Perhaps like playing the piano. While each key makes one note, to play melody means paying attention to how the sounds go together.
In father-son bonding, the emotional harmony is the ultimate payoff. “Touchdown!! Or Fumble!! Or “I can’t believe that call!!” can be moments of deep emotional connection between father and son. However, these moments of bonding are part of observing and sharing a violent event.
The lack of easy father-son bonding moments has been a driving force bringing males to the television and stadium. Here they can join together in an emotional effort they both need. But why are these moments so rare?
The causes of male emotional isolation are many. The fallout of male emotional isolation drives addictions, divorces, and violence. Fortunately, the solution to isolation, as my brilliant wife pointed out, is simple. Collaborate. Get away from the football habit and create relationships of your own with your son and the world. Create your own rituals of bonding.
Hobbies, explorations, service, creativity, maintenance are all available to replace the emphasis on football’s fix, which is an emotional connection. We can connect with our children anywhere, anytime. Teach them how the world works. Learn how they learn. Be a follower and a leader. Take turns. Bonding ritual doesn’t have to be cheering for men being violent with each other. There’s an entire planet waiting for your exploration.
What rituals have you developed with your son?
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