If it seems impossible, consider that you may be doing it wrong.
Rule one: Don’t make your goal to entice attractive people into your bed.
It’s the paradox of fucking: if you really, really need to get people to sleep with you, that sheen of acrid flopsweat will repulse them. Your prospective bedmate will sense that underlying motive embedded in your every friendly gesture, that subliminal mutter of “I’monlydoingthisbecauseheyyouhavefungibleprivateparts”…
…and that’s great if you look like Brad Pitt humping Angelina Jolie with Steven Spielberg directing you. If you are possessed of such magnificent physical charms that people will go, “All right, I’ll plook you on sheer looks alone,” then sure, maybe being really eager to get people to sex you up is a working stratagem.
Most of us, however, are average. Which means we do not have that magnetic pull that draws people to our groins via lust-shackles alone. And for us, you know what works?
Friendship.
Fuck your “friend zone” talk. “Friend zone” is another way of saying, “If I can’t fuck you, what good are you to me?” And that shit is insulting. No, what you do is find people who you like, people who you can stay up until 3 in the morning talking about the craziest shit, people who love the same music and movies and books you do, people who laugh at your silliest jokes….
Fuck your “friend zone” talk. “Friend zone” is another way of saying, “If I can’t fuck you, what good are you to me?”
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…and assuming they’re available, you let them know that hey, this is all great, and I’m attracted to you, too.
Be sure to let them know how little the attraction means. Too many idiots present the attraction as some sort of make-or-break situation, as if you don’t respond in kind and voluminously, I’m taking all of this friendship and going home. No, this attraction simply means that something could happen on top of an awesome friendship, or we could just continue being friends.
You know what? Three times out of four, they’ll go, “No, I’m good.” And that’s awesome. You know why?
Because you’re friends with an awesome person, you idiot.
But no, if you must require some tedious reason to keep non-fucking people in your life, consider this: this vivacious, lovely person you know now probably has other friends much like him who, if you hang around long enough, you will get to meet. And he will introduce you to them – why not? you’re a good friend – and talk well of you, and if that attraction sparks again, then you may wind up dating someone even better.
Like calls to like. So, you know…. try liking.
It’s an advanced concept, this get-lots-of-sex-because-you-don’t-want-sex thing, and a lot can go wrong. You might, stupidly, confuse “attraction to body” with “attraction to person” and wind up ignoring all sorts of things you don’t like about a girl because she has a hot rack. You might, stupidly, think that “not wanting sex” means you never ever talk about sex ever ever, suppressing all desire, and then spring this hidden attraction upon her when she’s most vulnerable. You might, stupidly, hang around someone who knows he’s attractive and using you like an ATM of kindness to dispense all sorts of favors you wouldn’t do for someone less handsome, in which case you don’t have a real clear grasp of how this “friendship” thing works both ways. You might, stupidly, decide you’re so unlovable that you send out vibes of self-loathing that short-circuit any attempts to find friends, since you’re all but telling people how awful they must be for hanging around you.
But in general, if you go out of your way to like people – not bodies, but people – and work on finding a good social group filled with fun, you’ll not only have more dates, you’ll have a better life in general. Don’t concentrate on finding that one person who will fill every aspect of your life with soft, hot lovins; concentrate on finding many people, a wide net of folks to fill those non-date days with lunches and texts and happy nonromantic times, and the rest will usually come along.
Then there’s rule #2.
Oh wait. There isn’t.
Just focus on rule #1. It’s not about sex. It’s about the connection. And if you follow the connections, sex will come tagging along eventually.
This article originally appeared at TheFerrett.com.
Photo—ekelly89/Flickr
There’s some good stuff here. I particularly like the parts where it says that it’s about the connection and not so much about the actual sex. I also really like the dismissal of the “friend zone” and the reminder that a person’s friendship is not a shitty consolation prize if they refuse to have sex with you, that it’s an awesome friendship instead. I do, however, have a comment that I’d like to add. I had a friend once who told me that he wanted to have sex with me (at first I said no about 10 times or so,… Read more »
Awesome stuff. I absolutely LOVE the idea of friendship and respect overcoming all. I’m fed up with all this BS about games and facades. I do have one question, though: “You might, stupidly, think that “not wanting sex” means you never ever talk about sex ever ever, suppressing all desire, and then spring this hidden attraction upon her when she’s most vulnerable.” I’ve always gotten hung up on this part right here. How, for the love of god, do you show someone you find them sexually attractive without showing them you are sexually interested? I’ll usually go forever without showing… Read more »
One of the tenets of Buddhism is that suffering is caused by desire. For money, power, fame, or even other people. If you free yourself from these desires you free yourself from suffering. Figure out the difference between what you actually need (food, shelter, clothing) and what you can live without. Not saying it is easy, but it is possible.
No that’s not one of the central tenets of Buddhism. One of the central tenets of Buddhism is that the entire wheel of samsara and this life and existence itself includes suffering (as it includes momentary happiness) and that true suffering is abolished only when you escape from the wheel of birth/death. You’re not a Buddhist by buying less shit. Or by transferring what makes you happy by transferring your desires – (from a tricked out Benz to a nice relaxing simple tea and conversation). This is a mix of anti-consumerism counterculture co-opting Buddhism within it’s narrative and world-view. Nothing… Read more »
I thought that “desire causes suffering” is the second of the 4 noble truths of Buddhism.
Oversimplified. Ignorance causes suffering. Disease causes suffering. Impermanence causes suffering, attachment causes suffering.
The Buddha wasn’t here to teach you to be marginally happier. The 4 Noble Truths talk about the complete and permanent cessation of suffering. And the complete and permanent cessation of suffering has practically nothing to do with your spending habits. Simply “freeing yourself from desires” doesn’t free you from suffering because developing a painful disease causes suffering unless you have the control of mind and body to eliminate the pain.
Friendship. Yes, I agree with this article. Unhelpful thought patterns, imho: Men: You won’t fuck me? Bye then. Women: You won’t have a serious relationship with me, apparent from the first date? Bye then. Fair enough to be honest about what you want and all. People may say ‘I have enough friends, I’m looking for sex/a relationship/delete as appropriate’. Okay, but if you turn others into commodities who are only worth what you can ‘get’ from them then expect to be disappointed and a bit lonely. Human connection is the way to go 🙂 And if you don’t feel genuine… Read more »
Your comment is perfect, as was the article. The cure for the current impasse between way too many men and way too many women is to re-connect with the radically simple idea of being friends, and letting the friendship take whatever form it wants to. It takes courage to do that, because (as the author says) a lot of the time there simply won’t be a mutual feeling of sexual attraction even though the feelings of friendship are real enough. The thing is, if you (as a straight male, for example) were having feelings of friendship with some guy you… Read more »
Gotta love the irony in an article talking about being likeable while calling its intended audience stupid idiots.
Sorry to double-stack comments, but really:
Seriously? I guess I’m just “stupid” for having chronic self-esteem problems that I’m in therapy for then. How utterly insensitive.
If you don’t care for “stupid”, try the word “ignorant”, which is big in Buddhist circles. Both mean the opposite of “wise and compassionate”. And yes, that’s a good reason to be in therapy. If you’ve got some stupid, ignorant ideas floating around in your head that are causing you to hate yourself, you want to be able to look at them compassionately and dispassionately, which includes recognizing that you are not your thoughts, and that self-abusive thoughts are stupid and ignorant. And while you’re at it, you can also recognize that this isn’t just your problem, but really the… Read more »
Doing something stupid does’t make you stupid (unless you’re doing stupid things all the time). Likewise, saying something that someone did was/is stupid is not the same as saying that person is stupid. We all do stupid things sometimes; doesn’t mean we’re all stupid.
Awesome article, thanks for writing. After I grew up and stopped categorizing women based on “friend” or “possible partner”, I found myself appreciating beautiful women much more for who they are as individuals. And guess what? I actually found myself enjoying myself more than ever! Being with a beautiful woman became an easy, enjoyable thing, because sex wasn’t the endpoint, I wasn’t “losing” if we didn’t end up being physical together. Instead, I was just enjoying her and being a good friend to her. Being friends is the best way to approach sex (“approach sex” is almost an oxymoron to… Read more »
Because you’re friends with an awesome person, you idiot. Maybe this is just me, but you don’t get friend-zoned by friends. Being friend-zoned is when you discover that a person you thought was your friend, just kept you along for whatever beneficial reason, like carrying stuff when moving (much like the “ATM of kindness” you talk about). Sure, it’s easy to argue that you shouldn’t keep those people around, and that you’re better off without them. The problem is that you don’t know about it until it hits you, and then it’s too late. And also if this becomes a… Read more »
Nothing better than friends who can shoot the shit together and talk smack and even maybe be attracted to one another. It makes life much better and interesting. Good eye, sir. Good eye.