Explaining one of the internet’s most annoying mysteries.
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Here in the Weird Alternate Future, the internet has proven, despite its serious problems, to be something of a gender leveller. There remains a lot of ingrained sexism in internet culture, and some screaming misogynists hiding behind anonymity, but there are also a lot of places where the everyone-is-text phenomenon allows men and women to enjoy a more nearly level playing field than ever before.
There is, however, one phenomenon online that is so strictly and so heavily gendered that it is a source of much bafflement to many. I am referring, of course, to random spam messages on dating sites.
Every woman I know, when she joins OkCupid or Fetlife or any of the assorted pay sites out there, experiences the same thing, regardless of her profile contents: a slow but steady trickle of messages from random guys, all of them between one and eight words long.
“hi”
“You’re hot want to get togeter sumtime?”
“u wanna get down n dirty”
“Hey sexy”
“I want to cum on your tits”
And so on ad infinitum. You get the idea. Why the hell do some guys (and it is, as far as I’ve been able to observe, only guys) do that? A reasonable question, and one that does, in fact, have an answer.
The truth is, the spam messages are part of a strategy. It’s a strategy with two goals: to get the guy practicing it some attention from one or more girls, and to keep him emotionally protected in the process. People keep doing it because it basically works, and even when it fails at the first part, it succeeds at the second. So on average, it’s a pretty good strategy in a Tragedy of the Commons kinda way.
…having the pressure on you to make the initial approach is incredibly difficult. It involves putting a lot of your ego on the line, just laying bare your sense of self and sticking a big KICK ME sign on it.
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Here’s the thing. As I’ve written before, having the pressure on you to make the initial approach is incredibly difficult. It involves putting a lot of your ego on the line, just laying bare your sense of self and sticking a big KICK ME sign on it. This point is impossible to overemphasize, because it’s where a lot of this weird male behavior comes from.
Let’s say I take the time to carefully read the profiles of five women, and craft five individual messages to them. “I see you like macrame and duck hunting… I too enjoy killing things, and while I’ve never tried ducks, I bet it’s a lot of fun. Perhaps we could get coffee sometime and twist the heads off some canaries to get to know each other?” Now when I don’t hear back from any of those five, that is a genuine, personal, very specific rejection. It is a rejection of me in particular, based on the very best effort I could make. It means (I must assume) that I am physically repulsive, personally uncharming, and generally inadequate as a human being.
Now, let’s say that instead I randomly send “Ur really fuckn hot” to 300 women whose profiles I didn’t even read. Straight, gay, married, not looking, doesn’t matter. Everyone who I think might have boobies gets the same message.
I just accomplished three things. First, I annoyed between 298 and 300 women who are now sighing and hitting the delete button. Second, I potentially found the one or two women who are willing to message me back based on that. Third, and most importantly, I did not make any effort or expose even one inch of my actual humanity. If, as is likely, none of those 300 women respond at all, I can deal with that. It’s like lying on a bed of nails: the pain is distributed so widely that it’s entirely bearable. I exposed nothing of myself, and thus risked nothing of myself.
It’s not that these guys think that women enjoy receiving these feeble spasms of non-communication, it’s that they aren’t considering the recipients’ emotions at all. They’re just trying to protect their own emotions, trying to avoid adding another dollop of rejection and invalidation to an already overwhelming sum. Sure, it’s less effective than actually communicating with women like human beings, but more importantly, it’s less frightening and it’s less painful.
The real problem, of course, is that this really is a Tragedy of the Commons situation. By adopting a strategy that works for their individual emotional needs, they’re making the entire site a more toxic environment for everyone. I don’t pretend to have a solution here. All I can suggest is that for those who get random spam messages, just remember that behind their crude language and dreadful spelling, what each one actually says is “I’m afraid of being hurt.” It won’t stop the stupid things coming, but it might help them seem more sad than irritating.
This article is an updated version of a previous Noah Brand piece.
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This post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
I read the ladies profile carefully & do message a thoughtful , friendly intro. On OKC I often get responses. Trying POF is like I am experiencing a slice of Hades. I have crafted 12 messages and received not one response. I am 64 and have messaged ladies in their late 50’s, early 60’s. However, on POF I do hear from ladies. Almost every one of them is 3-10 years older than I am & I should not need to go there. I see what ladies say about what they like and i refer to that. I am decent &… Read more »
I dont think that sounds crazy. That is the reality we live in, man. I have been working in dating service for a long time and can say that almost everything written in the article is true
That whole thing sounds kind of crazy to me dude.
I stopped online dating a long time ago. Even though I was clear about my age range, I had men old enough to be my father contacting me trying to sell me their supposed youth and vitality. Apparently I was to overlook their age even as they hit on women half theirs, I had men that didn’t put much more effort then “hey” or “whats up”. If they weren’t going to invest any effort in me, I was not going to invest any effort in them. I had men, right off the bat ask me very personal and sexual questions.… Read more »
A simple hello or how are you (even if it spam) is better than “you’re hot and have a nice as*s wanna hook up?” That is bullying and if you are afraid of rejection then do not join online dating because you will get lots of it. I have emailed men and they never replied. I have started conversation with men and when everything seems promising, they just “disappear”; However, I will not just harass all men just because some of them have rejected me. If I cannot handle it then I will delete my profile and watch Netflix on… Read more »
Well, Gee-whiz! That same advice could be directed to anyone unhappy with the tenor of the messages they are receiving: If you can’t handle it then delete your profile. You’re not entitled to receive any certain kind of message.
You’re darn well entitled to be treated with respect and not have some COMPLETE STRANGER say things like “can I cum on your tits”.
Funny response, OrangeMan. You are right about no one being entitled to receiving any certain type of message… But to delete your profile just because you don’t like some people’s response to it? That’s being a bit overreactive, if not downright hysterical (not ha-ha hysterical, either). Isn’t that what the ‘delete’, ‘block’ — or for truly pricelessly offensive gems — ‘report’ buttons are for?
You’re just rad… extremely so. 😀
It seems counterproductive, even just by the virtue of “you reap what you sow.” I’ve wondered a few times if, as I delete yet another handful of SPAM, I’m tossing out messages from potentially worthwhile men. But then, worthwhile men don’t (or shouldn’t — they ought to know better) try to break the ice with, “Hi, sexy.” It’s like having $40, craving a decent steak, and then going out and buying a bunch of $1 burgers in the hopes that one of them might blow your mind. If you clicked on a person’s profile to check out her pics, and… Read more »
I think the whole point of the article is the general lack of empathy on internet dating sites. Most men don’t know what it’s like to get low effort messages in volume, and most women don’t know what it’s like to put effort into sending ‘good’ messages and getting few replies.
It seems less about empathy and more about getting beaten down, like ChaiThere says. I think it’s safe to assume that many of the people on dating sites have some semblance of social interaction outside of online dating, that said, they know that offline, opening a conversation with “Hey sexy” rarely yields desired results.
I get that mass-messaging stems from some degree of self-preservation. But that’s like not showering because no one ever complimented you for smelling great when you did: people think you’re icky, you know you’re being icky… and you know you’re better than that.
I think everyone would have a better experience with online dating if everyone had a similar experience, and had a better idea of what others were experiencing. Having at least an idea of what others experience is what empathy is all about, and that’s what’s missing in online dating.
I couldn’t agree more. I’ve been using dating websites for about six months now. And I agree with Christine that these messages are less than desirable, and I’ve yet to reach this point. But on the other hand, I know what it’s like to put time and effort into send a girl a good message, only to get my profile viewed by said girl and no reply whatsoever. After awhile, it begins to wear on you, makes you believe that women are just too entitled when it comes to dating. I hate to admit that, but it’s the truth. It’s… Read more »
Here is the thing… I can understand the low-effort messages and the rationale behind it. However, do they always have to be so sexual in nature? I was just tweeting about this the other day. “Hey. How is your weekend going?” – that’s a considerate message I would reply to. “I want your body.” – not so much. Their reply rates could increase if they changed their approach. I am one of those rarer breed women who do send out messages. It can be so challenging. I do get lots of messages, I’m lucky in that. I like to go… Read more »
Re: Why so sexual. That is kind of what the article is addressing. If these guys say: “Hi, how was your weekend?” Then there is still an element of being genuine in that. If they just say vulgar things and get no reply, they can say to themselves “pff who cares all I wanted was to bang anyway, not like I actually gave a shit. I even made it clear she is nothing to me and I just want to have sex with her.” It is as much about lying to themselves and putting on an act as it is… Read more »
Your angle here, that we should feel a little sad for guys who say offense things on dating sites is like saying we should feel a little sad for Jeff Dahmer because, you know, he was a little hungry. Harassment is harassment, no matter what the motivation. Still not cool.
Are you including “Hi”, “Hey”, and “Whats up” as offensive and harassing?
Comparing guys on dating sites to a serial killer is even less cool. Good job with that.
That’s always been my experience on dating sites, as well. It takes a basic level of investment to share a genuine message of interest and every time one is ignored two are sent out with a little less investment. This proceeds on down to just spamming everybody, a level I never did reach before chucking the whole system. The entire idea of messaging strangers to see if they want to proceed with a romantic entanglement seems weird to me. Bug your friends.
You’ve glossed over two other annoying internet mysteries:
1Why is it that men generally outnumber women on dating sites to start;
2And why is it, even though most dating sites put women and men on a strictly equal basis, that women seem to be much less pro-active in initiating contact with men.
Seems to me that what you describe is probably a consequence of the two questions I’ve posed.
It’s extremely common for guys to send many messages and get very few replies, like 1 out of 20. Dating sites are skewed towards the women.