J.R. Reed, on a rant about fathers who are treated as second-class parents.
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The other day was filing out some paperwork and got to the bottom of one of the pages and saw the picture above.
To say I was offended would be a huge understatement. I’ve had full custody of my daughter for almost ten years and to see “NAME OF NONCUSTODIAL PARENT/ALLEGED FATHER” was like a kick in the sack.
I hate to sound like an old lady but “How dare they assume that the noncustodial parent is the dad?”
Are there way more noncustodial fathers than mothers? Absolutely, but to automatically assume the father said “Peace out” to his responsibility is bullshit.
I was working on a post called Oscar Mayer Is Full of B-O-L-O-G-N-A but now that I’m in full rant mode I see how the paperwork and a company that runs commercials portraying men as idiots are both drinking the Bad Dad Kool-Aid.
I’m sure you’ve seen the commercials. The dad is portrayed as simultaneously whipped and also a complete idiot.
If you want to see for yourself take a peek at the thirty-second commercial below.
As you can see from the picture and video, modern day dads don’t have a lot of street cred. That’s sad. And they get stereotyped all the time.
I was once in K-Mart (a store I will NEVER go back to) and my then seven-year-old daughter was trying on some clothes. The lady running the dressing rooms gave me the “Why are you bringing your daughter to buy clothes?” look and I proceeded to ignore her.
About three minutes in I heard my Drama Queen shouting that she was lost in her turtleneck and needed some help.
I looked at the gatekeeper and began to ask if I could go help my daughter when she said, “No men are allowed in the women’s dressing rooms.”
“OK,” I replied. Can you go help her?”
“You should have her mother take her to buy clothes,” the woman said with a straight face.
Meanwhile my daughter was ignoring my request to stop trying to find a way out of the sweater and just wait for help to come. I know this because she shouted; “Now I’m more stuck than I was stuck before.”
Lovely.
As politely as I could I asked the woman to call a store manager. When he finally came out he was even worse then the woman.
“It’s not appropriate for you to take her clothes shopping,” said the guy who was barely old enough to drink legally. “Her mother should be doing it.”
That was the straw that broke the proverbial camel’s back. Let the rant begin.
♦◊♦
“First off,” I said in a voice that was loud enough that the people over in electronics probably heard me.
“Her mother isn’t around. I have full custody of my daughter and I take care of her.”
I should probably tell you that I was easily five inches taller than the Assistant Manager and I was playing ice hockey a couple of times a week. Also I was playing the intimidation card.
“Don’t you ever,” I said while glaring into his eyes. “And I mean never tell a dad he can’t take his daughter shopping. Who the hell are you to tell me how to raise my daughter?”
At this point a female customer came over and asked me if she could go help Her Majesty navigate her way out of a turtleneck.
I happily accepted her offer and moments later my daughter appeared. As soon as she did the manager grew a pair.
“I’m going to ask you both to leave the store,” he said. “And ask that you don’t come back. You should be happy I don’t call the police.”
At that point I got livid and whipped out my cell phone.
“You want me to call them for you?” I asked. “Because I smell a cop giving you a verbal beating for being a dumbass. Or maybe I should call your district manager and tell them that you’re kicking a guy out of your store for taking his daughter clothes shopping.”
The guy was visibly shaken by my reaction. He assumed his nametag gave him ultimate authority but he was wrong.
“Listen up slick,” I quietly said as I stuck out my hand.
“This is my business card. It has my name, phone number and e-mail. Go ahead and give it to the police or whoever you want. I would love to talk with someone about this.”
I then took my daughter’s hand and proceeded to walk out of the store. Looking back at the manager and small crowd of employees I said, “And don’t worry about us coming back to this K-Mart or any other.”
She finally figured turtlenecks out around the time she was nine.
♦◊♦
That was the most colorful encounter but it’s not the only one. When I take my daughter to places like Forever 21 I get the “You’re a pervert and are standing outside the dressing rooms to get a peek,” glance.
I’m not kidding. Women waiting for their daughters or friends eye me and on my daughter’s thirteenth birthday an employee of Forever 21 asked her manager to come find out why I was standing there.
“My daughter is in the dressing room,” I explained. “Is that a problem? Because if it is we can easily go to other stores in the mall.”
The manager apologized and one mom standing around there gave me a fist bump.
The reason I’m telling you these real-life stories is to illustrate how dads are perceived. I sometimes think that people don’t know fiction from non-fiction.
Is Phil Dunphy, the bumbling dad from Modern Family, an idiot?
Yep.
Phil Dunphy is a character. He’s fictional and he’s there to entertain us. I laugh my ass off at the dumb stuff he does but I know that (most) dads aren’t anything like that.
Disney Channel and Nickelodeon are famous for portraying dads as clueless, whipped and as someone who brings home bacon but has no say in anything else.
Kids see this night after night and I truly believe it sends a message that dads are a step below a mom.
♦◊♦
What can we do to convince society that dads aren’t bumbling, whipped idiots?
My best advice is to make people aware of communities such as Good Men Project and to encourage others to read the stories from literally hundreds of men who are sharing their tales of being good dads and good men.
Maybe Oscar Mayer executives, Forever 21 managers and K-Mart assistant managers should be required to do an hour of Good Men Project reading every day.
That would definitely show that most dads don’t build tree houses that fall down immediately after building it. It would also show that men aren’t whipped, perverts or second-class parents.
With the exception of my mom and dad when I was a kid I don’t think I’ve ever asked, “Can I” continue to do whatever I was doing.
“Do you mind if I stay out a bit longer or do you need me to come home for something?” is how you ask.
It shows that you have respect for the other person’s feelings and needs while expressing your desire to keep eating fried chicken and waffles with your hockey teammates at 10:30 PM.
If you say, “Can I?” You might as well pay your part of the check because you’re going home.
I know this rant went off on several tangents and it might seem a little disjointed but there is a point to all this.
As men and as dads we need to clean up our reputation and change the stereotype. We need to show people that we can take care of our kids and that we can think for ourselves.
Yeah we need our spouse/partner/significant other to keep us from doing dumb stuff (like Facebook friending the babysitter or quitting your job to start a blog) but to portray us as unable to make decisions without the blessing of mom and to assume that the man is always the noncustodial parent is wrong.
I love this quote from Thomas J. Watson, the CEO of IBM from 1914-1956.
But remember this: A man flattened by an opponent can get up again. A man flattened by conformity stays down for good.
Don’t let the stereotypes of dads and men keep you down. Let people know there are plenty of good dads in their city and their neighborhood. Show the doubters and non-believers that good men are everywhere, they just have to open their eyes and look around.
For years now I’ve been preaching the message that gender equality and womens emancipation while good is destroying, whether knowingly or not, societies perception of manliness, fatherhood and male leadership. This article is so touching to me as a young father of two girls. I am constantly battling insuations from people around me that I am somehow going to fail them, abandon them, abdicate my responsibility. It’s only a matter of time. But worse than that is the insuation that somehow my role as a father to those girls will never be as important or relevant as their mother. That… Read more »
Don’t be scared to submit work here Kizito. You can follow this link to see information on submitting posts to Good Men Project.
https://goodmenproject.submittable.com/submit
It wasn’t as big an issue, but as a kid I remember my mother telling me to go elsewhere whenever we got to the women’s part of the store, on the basis that people would assume I was a pervert if I accompanied them into the women’s section. The reverse never seemed to apply for some reason…
Of course. It goes back to the intersection of gender and sex. Males are supposed to be driven by our libido, thus if we are around women who might be undressing we will just have to look. Females are supposed to have no libido, thus even they are around men who might be undressing they are not supposed to have an interest in looking. But the funny thing is let’s say a boy is in the women’s section and is seen looking at a woman that is partially dressed. Whether or not he went out of his way to look,… Read more »
Thanks for writing this! People have forgotten that men (disregarded as the majority and the oppressor) also have a right to equality – emotionally and legally. And people also don’t realize that when commercials and television shows are made that make dads look stupid, it really does effect family courts. If you hear all day long that dads are inferior parents, it effects those judges that go to court and hear cases about parents fighting over custody.
As for the Oscar Mayer thing – I got your back. I’d put this article out when the commercials started airing: http://www.8bitdad.com/2012/05/15/bad-dadvertising-oscar-mayer-14312/
Trey- I could not agree with you more with your response to Sarah. You are right about how she continuously types stereotypical responses and then tries to justify what she says. I feel really terrible about what happened to you at the Target. It’s ridiculous for people to behave that way. I am a woman and very much not ‘naive’ as Sarah suggested, so I am going to be completely honest and say that I am always cautious… But I am cautious of anyone just standing around whether they are man or woman. Being cautious, tho, is completely different than… Read more »
What a horrible experience all around. It sounds like retailers are pulling a kind of reverse Taliban situation – men are not allowed out shopping with children without a female escort of some kind. I suspect that the employees and managers are playing the liability gamble. How much trouble would they be in for needlessly insulting someone innocent, compared to the trouble they’d be in for failing to stop a child molester? Combine people’s eagerness to sue big companies with society’s current paranoia about pedophiles, and you get a nasty brew that puts dads in the crossfire. A big part… Read more »
Sarah, In what kind of backwoods place do you live?And… have you been living a completely sheltered life? You are speaking as if all men are evil creatures out to harm women and children. I know JR personally and I am very close with both him and his daughter. He is an excellent father who does everything he possible can for her given that she does not have a mother around to take care of things most mothers handle. He has sacrificed a lot for his daughter and I personally find your comparisons to be highly offensive. You seriously owe… Read more »
I may be partially biased here, given that I’m his girlfriend and have known JR and his daughter well now for almost two years… I feel that the way he has been treated over the years gives him cause to react the way he does. His daughter is a beautiful well adjusted girl which is a testament to JR’s excellent parenthood. In his writing, he is telling us about the prejudices he faces as a single father. It’s very true society is prejudice against single fathers. I’m a single mom of 2 and I have never been approached while waiting… Read more »
JR’s Muse – It’s great to get unbiased, insightful feedback and comment! Though, I’m sure that others will see it otherwise! P^)
You just keep it real, like JR’s doing.
Thanks for confirming that women in the same situation don’t get treated the same way. It’s good to have balance in both experience and gender input.
Fist bump back atcha. Thanks for the support. It’s sad that people look at men like they’re criminals when they take their daughters out.l
I remember an incident when I was traveling back from Spain with my son. As my wife’s ticket was paid for by an organization who sponsored her for the trip, we flew separately from her. We had a wonderful time and loved being able to hang out together during the day while she was at the conference and visited Salamanca, Avila and Madrid with free tours and dinners at some really nice local restaurants as part of the conference package provided to my wife. On the way back from Madrid we had a connection in Chicago and then back to… Read more »
That is exactly why in May when I took my son to visit my parents, I had a note in my bag, signed by my ex-wife, stating that yes she was fully aware that we were taking the trip. If only by virtue of previous jobs I’ve had, at this point I have a phd in CYA.
Reading a bit into things here, maybe, but the word “alleged” gives the connotation that being a father is itself wrong somehow. We usually reserve the word “alleged” for crimes. The language implies a deadbeat dad or one who refuses to believe a child is his.
Come to think of it, it’s also a bit of an insult to the mother. It suggests maybe she doesn’t know who the father is, or we can’t really take her word for it.
JR, I totally get the anger that situation could cause. And I think it’s really cool that you do take your daugther shopping and are taking full care of her. But I think you might have missed a golden oppurtunity. By getting angery and belligerent with that guy (who was acting like a douche), you taught him that you were infact the problem. I think no matter who you are, people are going to think and say crap about you. I remember being in a store where I heard this 15 year old girl whisper something negative about me to… Read more »
I completely disagree Erin. Yes it can be hurtful when people say things about you behind your back but it is another thing entirely to go through life being seen as a sexual deviant for nothing more than taking your daughter shopping. When my daughter was 8 months old I took her into a public washroom so I could change her diaper. When I stepped out of the stall where the change table was located, I was met by a team of 5 mall security. Someone in that mall called security on me because I had the audacity to see… Read more »
Erin: “By getting angery and belligerent with that guy (who was acting like a douche), you taught him that you were infact the problem. ” How else could he have done it? Settle it with a nice hot cup of java? He was standing up to ignorant prejeduice, period. Erin: “Yes, there are a lot of ignorant people out there. But the ignorance isn’t just reserved for father’s that take their daugther’s shopping. And you missed a moment to teach them something different about the kind of father you are.” You fail to understand, Erin, we live in a time… Read more »
“How else could he have done it? Settle it with a nice hot cup of java? He was standing up to ignorant prejeduice, period.” I didn’t say he wasn’t dealing with someone ignorant. If you want to fight ignorance, you don’t fight it with belligerence. This only re-enforces their ignorance. I think above I explained how he could have better dealt with the situation and java wasn’t involved. “You fail to understand, Erin, we live in a time where men and fathers are automatically judged as having sick intentions even when they’re doing something as harmless as taking their kids… Read more »
Erin: “I am sure if I started a screaming match with her, it could have. But I didn’t. I only shared my experience to show how I dealt with an ignorant situation and taught someone to be a little less ignorant. I am not interested in looking to see whoes situation is “worse” either. Dealing with ignorant people isn’t easy but yelling at them for their ignorance isn’t going to solve the issue.” And what if the person got the police or security involved based on the rumor? Would you have the time to teach them to be less ignorant… Read more »
Education can work – SOMETIMES. As a father of a multiracial child and one half of an interracial marriage, I’ve educated way too many people over the years. I am also the publisher of The Multiracial Activist and The Abolitionist Examiner. I get educating and sharing and I’ve done more than my fair share of it with angry bigots and racists. However, when someone is trying to get in between a parent and a child, the issue is far different. A child’s well-being is potentially at risk. In the case of the OP, there were other adults preventing him from… Read more »
I didn’t say he wasn’t dealing with someone ignorant. If you want to fight ignorance, you don’t fight it with belligerence. This only re-enforces their ignorance. I think above I explained how he could have better dealt with the situation and java wasn’t involved. Erin – I can see both sides on this one, and when time and opportunity allows, it is best practice to educate people out of ignorance if they are amenable to such eduction …. which unfortunately, a great many are not. It’s not at all surprising how some believe they have authority and can express it… Read more »
Erin, Am I reading your comment correctly? Should I have apologized for bringing my daughter clothes shopping and leave the store? I guarantee that will never happen. I have a legal right to take my daughter shopping for clothes or anything else and if someone wants to play the tough guy and chalenge me on it I’m not going to bend over and take it. All that does is show my daughter that when someone doesn’t like what you’re doing that you should bow down to their opinion and let them run your life for you. I’ve never done anything… Read more »
This is a problem that I am not sure women truly understand. I guess you could call it female privilege…As a woman you generally do not have to deal with false accusations destroying your reputation. A simple rumor about a father being near the girls changing room could spiral up and severely threaten a man’s career, especially if he is in the childcare or teaching industries. It causes MAJOR stress for many men, it restricts their behaviour, I know of fathers who are nervous to take their OWN kids to the playground because of mostly women and their judging eyes.… Read more »
“Women are trusted far far more even though they are responsible for the majority of child abuse and a good portion of child sexual abuse yet it’s men who are truly in danger of false accusations, rumors, character assassination, hell it’s a successful tactic used to screw up their chance of custody in divorce proceedings.” That is misleading. Children are more likely to be in the care of women, and a good portion of that abuse is neglect charges which leaves low-income single women in a bind. Also, do you think things like drinking and having another partner around aren’t… Read more »
“That is misleading. Children are more likely to be in the care of women, and a good portion of that abuse is neglect charges which leaves low-income single women in a bind. Also, do you think things like drinking and having another partner around aren’t used against women in custody proceedings?” Abuse is still abuse, trying to minimize it by saying it’s misleading….is misleading. The fact is both men and women are risky around children but the majority of people do not abuse. What is stupid is that we have proof women can be dangerous to kids, that mothers themselves… Read more »
That is misleading. Children are more likely to be in the care of women, and a good portion of that abuse is neglect charges which leaves low-income single women in a bind. Also, do you think things like drinking and having another partner around aren’t used against women in custody proceedings? It’s still abuse. No matter how hard one tries to explain it away it’s abuse. Such reasoning wouldn’t be allowed to stand if we were talking abusive men. Also, more often than false pedophilia accusations, minimal child-care duties performed by men are praised and rewarded; a father is wonderful… Read more »
Erin, do you have a similar policy for cat-callers, for example? My guess is that a cat-caller or street harasser would affect you differently than the snarky girl. Everyone (literally, EVERYONE) is guilty of viewing the world through the lens of their own experience. We can try to empathize, but no one can truly empathize 100%. I understand your argument and I believe it has merit, however it sounds preachy and condescending coming from someone who has never lived the experience. It is for this reason that I do not judge people–much less suggest that they are the problem–who react… Read more »
I agree Erin. While I have to admit that in JR’s shoes I probably would have wanted to hip-check the idiot manager into a wall, what would that change? Instead of men being “bumbling, whipped idiots” we’re now hotheaded aggressive idiots? Not much better. Again I have to admit that in the heat of the moment I probably would have lost my temper too but since I have the gift of hindsight I’ll make my suggestion: As you said JR, the manager was just a kid to you so talk to him like he is one. Calmly. For those people… Read more »
When your daughter is a teenager will you be concerned about stores that allow men to wander into women’s dressing rooms? Just asking.
Sarah,
My daughter will be 15 in a couple of weeks and I think you misread something. At what point did I “wander” into a dressing room or when did I indicate that I wanted to?
There is a huge difference between someone wandering into a dressing room and a dad/boyfriend/husband/sibling standing outside the dressing rooms while someone changes.
If it was a mom waiting outside for her son would anyone even think twice about that? Doubtful.
Well do you want staff at least to ascertain why a man is standing around outside the dressing room? I mentioned teenager because I was thinking when shes old enough to shop on her own. Do you want to feel like store staff will keep an eye out for men in the women’s dressing area, even if it means questioning men who are dads like you? Do you think it is appropriate to try to make sure men are not intruding on the privacy of women and girls who might be undressed?
Sarah,
It is important that staff ascertain why ANYONE would be standing around the dressing rooms. A simple, “are you waiting for your son/daughter?” is usually enough and is unobtrusive enough to both establish intentions and question a person without being accusatory. I don’t understand what you preoccupation is though solely with the women’s changing area. Unless of course you are approaching this from a completely one sided and sexist viewpoint that only men are perverts and women are helpless victims. I have some news for you sister. Your bias is showing.
i am only responding to the article which is about a man being questioned in a girls’ dressing area. He thinks it’s inappropriate and insulting to ask a man why he’s there, but if his daughter was there alone, wouldn’t he want staff to do just what they did?
Sarah, The article is NOT about a man being questioned in a girls dressing area. Please go back and read it again. In K-Mart I walked up to the dressing rooms with my daughter and waited outside. The same with Forever 21. As I read through all your comments I get the feeling that you view all men as potential “threats.” If so that is very sad and I hope you can get past that. I hope I’m wrong though I doubt I am. Can you please explain to me why its inappropriate for a dad to take their kids… Read more »
I don’t think it’s inappropriate at all for you to take your daughter shopping, but I also just think that it is not inappropriate for store employees to question a man who is in a women’s dressing area. (I.e., the dressing area in the women’s section of the store, or in a store catering to women.) It sounds like you don’t think they have a right to find out why you are there. But maybe they have had experiences with guys who are there for improper reasons. Our local library has had to kick men out of the library because… Read more »
Sarah, If I don’t take my daughter shopping then who will? As I understand your logic you’re saying that I (who a judge felt was the best person to raise my daughter) can take care of her and raise her butI can’t take her shopping. That is absolutely insane. The fact that you compare a dad who takes his daughter clothes shopping to someone sneaking pictures of people in a library says a lot about you. I’m now extremely certain that you had some sort of traumatic experience in your life andI strongly suggest that you speak to a therapist,… Read more »
Jeez, where did I say you can’t take her shopping? You can take her shopping, and employees should not be rude, but you are the one seriously freaking out because store employees DARE question a strange man who is hanging out ina girl’s dressing area — like that is just totally crazy. But I think many parents would say the store is completely irresponsible not to ask. Because like it or not there ARE pervy guys who would like to go to Forever 21 to ogle underage girls. Would you want the staff do protect your daughter from those guys?… Read more »
Sarah…simply put your wrong. Those same ideas are the defensive ideas of bigots all over the world. I’ve always taken my girls clothes shopping…..I wait outside and when dressed they model their choices to me, yet at a target a woman that thought like you screamed at me in public…I was a perv..etc…because OUTSIDE the UNISEX Dressing room ….on the sales floor, waiting for my kids to model their choices and look for dad’s approval. 1 I have a Bad heart condition that and this treatment set off fairly massive chest pain……but in your eyes that’s fine as she was… Read more »
Sarah … you just aren’t getting it. “Listen” to what’s being said. It’s simple, men should not be looked at as potential perps simply because they’re men. It’s that simple. Large stores have cameras that someone is sitting in a room watching peoples behaviors. Smaller stores that don’t have cameras, employees can simply observe suspicious behaviors. What exactly is “lurking?” And if anyone is “lurking,” man or women (note I also said women), employees would have the right to question and not assume. You have now read many situations where men have been have been viewed as suspect simply because… Read more »
Sarah,
It sounds like you are endorsing sexist bigotry when it is directed at men. It is always easy to endorse bigotry “for the sake of the children” when you are NOT the person constantly on the receiving end of such bigotry.
Do you think it is appropriate to try to make sure men are not intruding on the privacy of women and girls who might be undressed? Sarah – When did this become about “intruding on the privacy of women and girls”? There seem to be some heavy handed projection going on here, as well as the application of invented exclusion zones to provide personal comfort! I wonder about me taking male children shopping and waiting outside of the changing area, and getting the same treatment. There is no issue of “intruding on the privacy of women and girls”, so how… Read more »
There are some commenters on this site who I ignore all together because they almost seem to have a knack for obtusely misinterpreting the subject matter. I don’t know if they are conscious trolls (though I highly suspect that they are) or if they do it as a ideological knee-jerk but I think the safest way to deal with them is to ignore them.
Sarah,
I forgot this last time…It wouldn’t matter how old my daughter is, I would be concerned about any store that let men “wander” back into the women’s dressing rooms.
My Father had to take me shopping once when Mum broke her leg. I don’t remember the shopping trip that well, but I do know he was accused of being a pervert. We were buying school clothes, and he’d apparently been trying to help me zip up a jacket. Squatting down in front of your daughter to help her do up a zip was apparently all it took for my Dad to be labelled. I do know that we didn’t buy any clothing that day, and Dad was angry, but the following weekend my Aunt took me shopping for my… Read more »
Thanks Tara. I try to be a good dad but sometimes its hard when people automatically assume things.
I grew up with a similar problem..My mother died when I was about 9 and my younger sisters were 3 and 1. My Dad was a Lt. Col. in the AF and he went with us to shop, or whatever else needed to be done. Since the AF kept him pretty busy with assignments, temporary duty, etc. I took over this task very young but my Dad was my hero and best friend. He wasn’t embarrassed and neither was I to be together doing “girl things”, He did, however, have a little trouble going into restrooms with the younger onesso… Read more »
Good for your son!
I have had to go along as the token female for a few of my male friends with female daughters just so they don’t have these issues with shopping. I always feel bad for them. I also feel bad for the daughters as well because now they have a bunch of people staring at them with pity in their eyes. I have to say more than once the daughters have stood up and confronted the lookie loos themselves (much to the embarrassment of their fathers) but the point was taken. I think it sucks that fathers have to go through… Read more »
My Drama Queen will be fifteen in a few weeks and I’m to the point where “How is that any of your business?” Or, “Is there something I can help you with?” are my only responses. Either one is good for thinning the herd.
I had a similar experience 15 years ago at a hair solon when I took my then 13 year old daughter to have her first haircut. She had really thick long hair and she gets hot when it’s warm. I made the appointment at a local high end shop. When we arrived I told the counter girl she was here for a cut. The women looked at me and my daughter and asked if it was a cut or a trim? I responded by telling her that my daughter wanted it cut to her shoulders. The women then asked me… Read more »
Tom,
You showed way more restraint than I would have. I would have asked the first one how that was any of her business in a voice loud enough to make her very uncomfortable with the added attention she/I just attracted.
JR you’re doing the “stepping up” that people bitch about men needing to do but magically no one ever sees. But to the devil with them. You love your kids, your kids love you. You take care of them, they take are of you (where applicable).
Rock on brother!!!
Right back atcha Danny.
Too often men, fathers, etc are treated like pedophiles before humans. How dare a male adult spend time with a child, especially in a clothes store…it must mean they are sick! perverted! It couldn’t possibly be that they are trying to buy clothes for their children.
I feel sad for society when it includes people who jump straight to the worst case negative straight away.
Archy…well said. Thanks.
Thank you J.R,
I have a boy & when he was younger, I experienced crap like that although be was a boy, the fricken moronic store keepers & the everyday judgmental Jane Doe specifically were the one’s I usaully had to tell to go & suck a lemon.
Judgmental people suck
Yeah, I know what you mean. I took my 3 girls everywhere. Nothing like standing outside a dressing room, especially when they start getting fashion concious and have to try on 100 items to find the ‘right look’. Tell you the truth, I never paid much attention to the looks, and if someone stepped up to say something, well, my daughters will tell you that I can come across as quite intimidating. ( I’ve made assistant managers hide in the stock room). The Sanitary napkin story reminds me of the time my Daughter, with a house full of women mind… Read more »
*fist bump* Well said
I keep looking at that image – just one line from a form. Disturbing – Really Disturbing – Profoundly Disturbing! It’s so shocking – even my Thesaurus fails me! 8^0. Mind you – I deal with the opposite. If you are a male with a male child, clothe shopping, you get treated with suspicion. I’m security cleared to work with abused children of any gender and when I get treated as some form of pervert or at best an extreme oddity,I ask the idiots if they understand the British system of “”safeguarding””. The answer is invariably “NO!” – so I… Read more »
My husband is the coolest and best Dad around, hands down. Our 7-yr-old daughter and him are peas in a pod. When she was about 3 or 4 she was having a temper tantrum in Wal-Mart. My husband picked her up and left me to finish checking out and pay. In the parking lot a woman approached them and asked my daughter “Do you know this man?” while holding her hand out to my daughter. At that point my daughter immediately forgot about whatever tchotchke she had been denied, screamed DADDY and hugged his neck for fear of this woman… Read more »
Karen,
I’ve had similar circumstances and your husband should have been livid. People like that woman need to get a clue.
Well said sir. Not a single dad, but been through very similar experiences. The look on the pharmacists face when I appeared with my daughter and explained that we needed help finding the sanitary pads was pure gold. The worst though, is the looks I get from women when I am just strolling around the shops hand in hand with my daughter, or with an arm around her shoulders. There is nothing my daughter’s can’t and won’t talk to me about that they could talk to their Mum about, which suits me fine. If dad is the only option and… Read more »
Cheers to you Scott and I hope you keep getting weird looks because that means you spend time with your daughter.
The first person My daughter told about her period was me….Totally comfortably…..She complained the pads her mom stocked were to big and asked if I’d go out to buy fitting ones …. not a problem in the world…..the woman at the cvs counter did raise her eyebrows….. Just last week she told me she’d outgrown her bras….. financially Scary as that meant the specialty fitting store as she was now out of standard range……Woman at that store did a double take that dad was the one to bring her…..but I’d explained that all the women on my side were “big”… Read more »
My good friend from HS takes his teen daughter to fashion shows, sample sales and rock concerts in NYC…I have never seen such a dad and I think he is the coolest!
Kudos to you! (To tell the truth, my mother was not much help with bra buying and designer jeans shopping, but oh well… and forget my rock concert ripped jeans and bandanas and Canal St. army jackets)…just being there is huge for your daughter!
Thanks Lela. Please give your friend a hearty “fist bump” from me. You can have one too.
I can understand the frustration you feel when people judge you based on stereotypes. Walking home at night, I get the glances from people who suspect I might try to attack them. It makes me feel terrible, but I can’t blame them at all. An incredibly large proportion of sexual assault criminals, perverts and pedophiles are male. Of course an incredible small percentage of the male population fits into those, but those edge cases fill people’s minds, and too many women and girls are affected by them. I know they’re just trying to protect themselves and their fellow women, and… Read more »
Maybe you can’t, but plenty of us can.
They aren’t trying to ‘protect’ anyone. They’re abusing their authority. This country is overrun by petty tyrants lording over their tiny little kingdoms. That’s all there is to that.
Also, a ‘good man’ isn’t the kind of man who takes injustice lying down.
“Good” is not “obedient”. It isn’t even “Nice”. Those who act meek in the face of this kind of thing aren’t good men, they are weak ones. That’s the biggest difference between good men and bad ones. A bad man is more likely to be weak than truly malicious.
Fingers crossed, Kevin.
So, Kevin, what would your response be if one of these people eyeing you suspiciously told you that it was not appropriate for you to be out on the sidewalk at night, told you to get back indoors immediately, and informed you that you were lucky they didn’t call the police on you right then? Would you still not blame them at all?
Kevin – That is patently wrong and you do nobody any favours by perpetuating that stereotype of men being the primary perpetrators. The number in fact are surprisingly equal in terms of perpetrators. It is only the portrayal of men as primary aggressors that has skewed our public perceptions of them.
” It makes me feel terrible, but I can’t blame them at all”
Kevin
No, you don’t have to accept that. Your acquiescence will only encourage them. Don’t let the bastards get you down.
I am so glad that what happened to you never happened to me. I would be in jail if it did. There are certain thing that pretty much send me over the edge, and being treated as a second class parent is one of them. I have had experiences similar (though not as bad) as yours and I have very much lost my temper to the point of having to walk out the door with kids in tow. I really just hate the mixed messages that society and especially the MSM sends dads, “We want you to step up”, “We… Read more »
Thanks John. I’m sorry you’ve had to go through similar stuff but I’m glad that I’m not the only one who wanted to tear someone a new one.
I really just hate the mixed messages that society and especially the MSM sends dads, “We want you to step up”, “We want you to man up” and then when dads do, they are literally stomped down for doing it.
That kind of double speak is what keeps Fathers and Families supplied in content to share and action plans to take.
True dat, Danny. Thanks for the comment.