For all I know, that love was not mine to keep. Sometimes I do think maybe I didn’t deserve it. How can I know? They can do everything for them but not for us, right? But that is not “it” my love, we are stronger than this, we are everything we want to be and more…
I know the title might stun you for a bit, but it’s true. You might think I am crazy for thanking someone for giving us the worst kind of pain we have felt, right?
But I stand by my word. I learnt the hard way, and am still learning, that till I have enough guts and strength to find love in myself, everyone I come across will break me even more than before.
It’s not like I have forgotten him, you know? Everyday, from my waking moment to the time sleep ultimately catches up with me, after my mind has exhausted itself way past its limit, it’s him, always occupying my mind.
A small corner of it always replays our banter, or laughs, or even just those silent moments that we had, like a broken cassette.
But still, every day I wake up to find the strength to smile, even in that chaos, and move past the day with a courage in my heart that I didn’t know I had.
I thank you for breaking me. Now that I have had the time to pick up my pieces while you have already moved on, I realize how selflessness sometimes gets you into the worst scenarios. I am here, building myself up again, but it’s different somehow. I am not the one you left behind. This woman standing before you is stronger, harsher, but most of all, she is capable of loving herself more.
Today, even though I know things between us don’t exist anymore, yet if you still come to me, you’re going to be my priority. You’ll still have me in your corner.
But the only thing that would be different is that I would know that I could let you go. Because this time round, it would be just like you said, “It’s not you, it’s me.”
Having been “unheard but loved” for so long, I have realized, that I didn’t even give myself the space to think. How could you have heard me? It’s not like you wanted to hear me, do you? Today, I am proud of our courage to face our fears and to come out of this endless and deep darkness, little by little, or shall I say, step-by-step.
I Love You. I Adore You. Even though my dreams were shattered, my life came to a standstill, yet because of you, I saw I don’t need anyone but myself to find my way back “home”.
A home that you called your own, but it’s now abandoned. But not for long…
Because slowly, I am filling it up with love for myself and the people who can accept me for who I am. Those who are willing to walk at my pace, as I get accustomed to change, rather than throw me in the deep end.
For all those like me, know that there is no rush in the world to love yourself now. You can learn something new every day, though all you need to do is take that leap of faith to look inside: good or bad, beautiful or ugly, everything that is just you. You, my little “unheard but loved”, have a long way to go, but be proud of how far you have come.
Thankful, grateful, and most of all, blessed.
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Previously Published on Medium
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Shutterstock image
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