Lady Chatterley writes of her frustration with the expression “happy wife happy life” and of the importance of being able to discuss marriage from all angles.
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A few months ago at a wedding for a close friend, the groom’s father stood up and gave a genuinely warm and funny speech about the newlyweds that had the room in utter hysterics. At the end however, he turned to his son and, in the tradition of wedding speeches, offered his advice for a successful marriage. To paraphrase, his “advice” was something along the lines of the wife always being right, even when she’s wrong, followed by the tired cliché “happy wife happy life.” He then asked his son to put his hand on top of his new bride’s stating, “that’s the last time you’ll ever have the upper hand.” Hilarious. Or not.
I was reminded of this speech when I read Maggie Reyes’ piece here on the Good Men Project about the 19 Things Happy Husbands do. Reyes wrote: “build on pieces of happy every day. And before you know it, you’ll have a happy life and a happy wife.” That saying again. Facepalm. Yes, it’s often used in jest (although admittedly not in this case). But that doesn’t make it any less irritating.
I wholeheartedly agree with the central idea in Reyes’ piece that it’s the little things that go a long way when it comes to enhancing a relationship. Listening. Displays of kindness. An unexpected gift, just because. I also agree with the sentiments expressed by many of the commenters that having a good relationship takes two. A number of people in the Good Men community felt that Reyes focusing on what men could do to make their wives happy, placed the responsibility for the success of their marriage squarely on them. In Reyes’ defense though, nowhere did she state that it doesn’t take two. Her article simply focused on and shared the feedback from the wives surveyed on her ModernMarried Facebook page about what makes them happy. The Good Men Project is, after all, a website with primarily male readership so focusing on advice to husbands is hardly unexpected. I do wonder however, whether Reyes’ use of the ‘happy wife happy life” expression distracted from her core message: that it’s the little things that count.
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It’s hard (impossible really) to argue against the idea that it takes two to build a successful relationship. The beauty of having ongoing conversations about marriage and relationships in general however, is the ability to look at them from all angles. From up and down, from inside and out. Highlighting what women can do to enhance their relationship doesn’t downplay the important role men have in making a relationship strong and resilient and vice versa. Focusing on husbands or wives individually, shouldn’t convey the assumption that the other party is simply a passive participant, is somehow less important, or is solely responsible for the success (or failure) of the partnership.
Can’t we accept that in a marriage, a proper, grown up marriage, the happiness of both parties is equally important?
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But happy wife happy life? Can we stop with this expression already? Can’t we accept that in a marriage, a proper,grown up marriage, the happiness of both parties is equally important. Marriage is about team work. Ideally, it’s about two individuals, both with their own needs, emotions, likes and dislikes, creating a new family and a life together.
Even though it is (usually) said in good humour, joking about losing the “upper hand” or saying “yes dear” for the rest of your life in order to keep the peace, surely doesn’t give marriage the kind of PR it deserves. If you’re constantly acquiescing to your wife, suppressing your own needs and opinions in order to maintain “the happy” then it’s likely symptomatic of deeper issues in the relationship.
Happy couple, happy life. Don’t you think?
Does Happy wife happy life describe your marriage? Does this expression irritate you too?
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It’s just for the alliteration and pleasing rhythm of the phrase. It’s very easy to find insult in almost anything, but it’s also just as easy to take it in the spirit that it is usually intended – affection.
Bossy Wife? Single life!
It seems in today’s society women are trying to work the “system” more and targeting men for money and child entrapment more. Today’s modern women also often subscribes to the philosophy of “what’s yours is mine and what’s mine is mine” when it comes to finances etc.. Honestly as a 30 something male in today’s dating world I am just disgusted with what I am finding. I petition for a new phrase, “NO WIFE, VERY HAPPY LIFE” 🙂 I do what I want, when I want and with whomever I want. I am doing exceptionally well without a wife and… Read more »
Obviously if either person is unhappy the home will be too. But you could just as well say “Happy Husband Happy Home.” This “put the woman first” stuff is just feminist manifesto BS that emasculates men. And when men are emasculated neither are happy or satisfied. it has to go both ways.
This article has my vote.
happy couple, happy life. . . 😀
I wonder if that common perception also shapes the way we think about arranged/forced marriages. Here in Europe there exists the issue that sometimes teenage girls (most often immigrants from Turkey) go to their parent’s home country for holidays and come back married to some teenage cousin. There now exist dedicated institutions like counseling and shelters for girls where it is feared something like that might happen to them in the future. The way this issue is talked about is as a tragedy and crime being perpetrated against those girls. While that is certainly true, the boys are usually not… Read more »
“Happy girlfriend, happy ????? ”
Not much rhymes with girlfriend. I’m getting shortchanged here !!
Yes…please let’s all stop with that insulting cliché. And others too (e.g. so many “funny” commercials where the man is too stupid to know how to do something then the woman comes along and shows how it is easy with product xyz).
On the same page even 🙂
You’re right Nick. It doesn’t. But it’s often interpreted in that way. We are in the same page 🙂
LC
i not sure where in the saying “Happy wife, happy life” it says to acquiescence to your wife. I read it more as you shouldn’t stop trying to make your wife happy, and if you don’t know what makes her happy, work to find out.
I know i’m a lot happier when my wife is happy, if she’s down, i’m generally down as well.
It’s not a matter of blindly agreeing with everything she says, because that really doesn’t make women happy
Nick, the part I see as missing is the one where each adult takes responsibility for their own happiness. It isn’t anyone’s job to make their partner happy; it’s something we have to learn to do for ourselves. I learned this the hard way through many years of loving, respecting, and caring for my (now ex) wife. “Happy wife, happy life” is a well-intentioned yet destructive philosophy that boils down to a man bearing an impossible burden, accepting that his own happiness doesn’t count, and absolving the woman of her own adult responsibilities. Amazingly, it’s both paternalistic and sexist to… Read more »
Offering a name is honoring a act. More importantly cliches aren’t always true, but they will be perceived as true through the process of normalization. Concluding that pacifying or patronizing your mate whether it is a woman pacifying her husband or a man patronizing his wife is not only foolish, it is indeed the foundation for creating a false bond and in no way reflects a loving, and respect based relationship. Agree with your wife when she comes with great advice or a good idea. Praise her when she shines and buff that shine to greater brilliance with your adoration.… Read more »
I’ve always felt that the saying, “happy wife, happy life” demeans both men and women.
dd, you wouldn’t say that if you’ve been married for a long time and are still crazy in love with your wife.
Wow! Some really deep and insightful comments here! I’d imagine these comments would work quite well for some people, but as all individiuals are different (and therefore no 2 couples are alike) you may not like it, but most long married couples I know anyway, subscribe to ‘Happy Wife, Happy Life’. Look, most women I know, when they claim to want an opinion, actually want affirmation of their viewpoint. Since most men I know live by the K.I.S.S. method (Keep it simple studied!) this works!
Typo; that should read ‘Keep it simple stupid!’
Bobbt, I tend to lean in your direction about this. My wife being happy is in part why I’m happy. I can assure you that she feels the same way so a guy saying this about his wife makes sense. Same thing can be said about their husbands but we have to be honest. If a women were to say “Happy husband, happy life” even though it does rhyme as well, she would be cut off at the knees and accused of being subservient, if not oppressed by her husband. So yeah, I’m happy as a pig in shit that… Read more »
Good response. I read that list of 19 things last week when it was first published (no comments on it yet), except I didn’t read all 19 things because (a) I quickly got bored with reading the same-old same-old hints that I’ve seen everywhere else and (b) I thought the article was very badly titled, because it wasn’t about what happy husbands do AT ALL, it was about things husbands did that made their wives happy. Absolutely nothing said about whether the men are happy to jump through those hoops, except that little zinger at that end that if their… Read more »
I agree KKZ 🙂 Thanks for reading and commenting
LC
It’s funny how you mention: “There has been at least one wedding each year in that family for the last 5 years and at every one, I heard some variation of the “Woman is always right” mantra being passed around. ” I remember at my own, my father making some comment. Not about the reverse being true, that I was always right, but not to roll over too easily. Unfortunately, I didn’t quite get what he was saying at the time. I think it’s easy for men to make this mistake in many areas of married life because we really… Read more »
Hi KKZ, I’d love to hear more of why you got bored of it. I am in a very traditional marriage where I work outside the home and my wife works inside the home. As a SAHM she doesn’t have a lot of involvement with many other “grown ups” (like one would have if they worked outside the home). So she really appreciates when I do things on the 19 things happy husbands do list. I try to do these for her and she really appreciates them. At the same time, she helps me build basements, porches, etc. and I… Read more »
There’s not really much to explain. As a woman, I’ve heard/read all of those tips before, at bridal showers, in hair salons, in women’s magazines. There was nothing new TO ME in that list, so I got bored with it pretty quickly and wasn’t interested in reading the whole piece. I’m not debating whether the things in the list were relevant or true. I’m sure they are for a lot of marriages. And I’m sure there are men out there who, not being privy to the bridal shower chitchat, could really use a bulleted list where all the little things… Read more »
“Even though it is (usually) said in good humour, joking about losing the “upper hand” or saying “yes dear” for the rest of your life in order to keep the peace, surely doesn’t give marriage the kind of PR it deserves. If you’re constantly acquiescing to your wife, suppressing your own needs and opinions in order to maintain “the happy” then it’s likely symptomatic of deeper issues in the relationship.” I absolutely agree. The trouble with the “yes dear” acquisience is that it not only doesn’t make the husband happy, it usually doesn’t make the wife happy either. “Yes dear”… Read more »
Relationships, and what takes place in them, are created in partnership. When one person becomes privileged above the other, it creates an imbalance that is damaging to both. Sadly, the solution is often viewed as some sort of balancing act…a series of ongoing trade offs. You give me what I want, I give you what you want and so on. But most intuitive way to a better marriage is not a life time of trade offs, it is both people caring first for the relationship. Meaning, we both care for us…
Exactly so, Mark. I am a teacher of both Buddhism and Conscious Intimacy Building, and one of the foundational ideas I share is that building intimacy in ANY relationship is best done as a conscious co-creation. That’s not about balance, about quid pro quo, or tit for tat (no pun intended). It’s about exploring the multi-dimensional nature of intimacy, with each co-creator sharing honestly what he or she can offer with integrity, and also what he or she would be pleased to receive. Both partners have both the right and the responsibility to be able to share and hear the… Read more »
Well Said, Mark.
A lot of people don’t see it that way. A lot of people think about relationships as 50/50. but these relationships never work out. Relationships will never be a fair trade as long as people are keeping score. Once a couple stops keeping score and simply requests love, appreciation and fulfillment that’s when relationships move somewhere.
Lady Chatterly: Happy couple, happy life. Don’t you think? >>> Yes, I do think…absolutely…for several reasons. Herewith my list of reasons why: Reason #1: The idea of “happy wife, happy life” falls into the same category of well meaning, but terribly misguided advice as the recent GMP article telling men that they should think of themselves as horse whisperers, and their wives as horses (which he then proceeds to describe as very dumb, and yet very emotionally sensitive creatures). This kind of talk – with its weird psychological/spiritual gender essentialism, is NOT helpful for creating real, mature adult men and… Read more »
Paul, you make some brilliant points here. I read through your comment a few times to take it all in! Insightful, informative and fascinating. Perhaps you should write a piece for GMP. You could help support and add to the conversation you feel GMP should be having 🙂
LC
Thanks for the kind words, LC. I actually have been invited to write for GMP, but am just really not ready to lend my name to the publication in its current form – with the various issues (and others) that I mention above. I’m actually having a bit of ongoing dialogue with the folks who run the place here, hoping for a general consciousness shift up in their editiorial selection and discretion. I do believe in the mission of GMP – but just think their choices to publish certain sorts of articles are incongruent with and sabotage that mission. Hopefully,… Read more »
That’s great to hear Paul and I hope you do decide to lend your voice to the conversation, when you’re ready to. I believe, for what it’s worth, that your insights, and ability to articulate them clearly and in an engaging way, would be a welcome addition to the site.
LC
Hi Paul, I’m not responding to defend my “horse whispering” article you mentioned…no need to. I enjoy reading your thoughts and connect with the philosophy that drives you. Everything I write and think expects mutual responsibility and mutual hard work between partners. I do think it’s possible to set your sights and expectations so high in an article that you actually help a very small population of men. 10 million struggling married couples can read your post and get no actionable motivation from it. Articles of lesser “headiness” serve a very real purpose without destroying the “good man” movement. Thinking,… Read more »
Thank you, Lady Chatterly for writing this article. I want to thank you because I have met a number of men who take this simplistic expression as some kind of excuse to check out of their relationships. I have no idea why anyone thinks this is sustainable. Nothing is more irritating to me than the suggestion that *anyone* should consider *anyone* right all of the time. Grown up women ask their husbands for opinions because they want their husband’s input. They want to check in. Although immature or inexperienced men may call this “nagging” women are conditioned by our society… Read more »
While some men may use “yes dear” as an excuse to check out of the relationship, as you say, I think a lot of others are really trying to do the right thing. I know many men who want to make their wives happy and that unconditional acquiescence is the way to do it. Older men sincerely tell younger ones this advice. And I agree with you, it’s about the worst advice that one can give, because it is a form of disengagement. A man who assumes the role of passive submission will become progressively more disengaged, emotionally, mentally, spiritually,… Read more »
Although immature or inexperienced men may call this “nagging” women are conditioned by our society to approach problems in a democratic fashion; i.e., we will ask for opinions. “ One common hetero relationship dysfunction is the cycle of “male retreat / female pursuit” – the man feels put upon by the woman’s expectations and retreats emotionally ; the woman senses his disengagement and pursues, trying to re-establish emotional contact; the man perceives her pursuit as emotional aggression, and fearing conflict, retreats further. It’s a vicious cycle. To break out of that cycle a man needs to learn to stop retreating,… Read more »
That’s such an insightful comment! I find it hard to make a stand in those kinds of arguments because she argues with emotion and I try to stick with logic. That sounds awful, rereading it, but what I mean is it’s easier for her to express whatever she’s feeling at the moment. I try to respond based on what I feel sure of and where I want to end up. To not respond in anger; going for the jugular. Because that’s not what I want, and I think those sentiments are often pretty one-sided. But the urge to hurt out… Read more »
I’m glad you enjoyed it Moonpanther! Thanks for reading and commenting.
LC
So on board with this, giving more weight to anyone in a coupling or relationship is a recipe for disaster. You were very kind in your wording but this phrase is disgusting. I loath it whenever I hear it, like seeing ignorance in action.
@Moonpanther: Nothing is more irritating to me than the suggestion that *anyone* should consider *anyone* right all of the time. Grown up women ask their husbands for opinions because they want their husband’s input. They want to check in. Although immature or inexperienced men may call this “nagging” women are conditioned by our society to approach problems in a democratic fashion; i.e., we will ask for opinions. The “Yes Dear” or “Whatever” response is an blatant abrogation of essential communication. Grown up women are more often asking for confirmation and not for opinions. In my experience, the “Yes, dear” most… Read more »
“Can’t we accept that in a marriage, a proper,grown up marriage, the happiness of both parties is equally important.”
Thank you!!!!!
While we’re at it another one we can dispense with (often heard from women) is: “I’m not happy.”
I wonder how much of that phrase being tossed around has to do with men being considered the head of the household. Dont beat me up for making the comparison but it seems similar to managers being told to keep their employees happy (aka engaged) to help productivity levels.
I’ve encountered this phrase often in conversation among men who clearly view their wives as the head of the household. They call their wives “the boss”; ruefully, but not ironically. You might be surprised how intimidated many men are by their wives.
No. I guarantee, categorically and with examples all around, that it is not the case.
go on then