It’s important to stop focusing on the end score, when you’re trying to score.
Let me elaborate.
Everyone has a little bit of a competitive side. Sometimes we compete with ourselves to get better at something we want to learn, and sometimes we compete with others in order to be the best at everything, even sex.
For the most part competition is healthy. It keeps us actively pursuing our goals and makes us strive to be our best selves. But obsessive competition can not only harm you physically by increasing your stress levels, it can also damage your relationship.
Why does sex become a competition anyway?
People compete in the bedroom because of their innate desire to become the ultimate lover. They want to give their partner more than their partner gives them—a process known as return gratification competition. Whatever the reasons, sexual competition might start out small and innocent, but it will ultimately lead to emotional and physical resentment. And that’s a goal no one wants to attain.
Once you’ve become competitive it can be difficult to know when you’ve taken it too far. Remember, nature intended for sex to be an act of love not a contest. These seven reasons explain why you should turn off your competitive spirit, relax and enjoy lovemaking with the one you love.
1) You lose out on the romance
You may not notice, but when you compete with your partner sexually, you lose out on the romance front.
Instead of having spontaneous candle-lit evenings, you turn your focus to striving to be the best in bed, and what ends up suffering is your relationship instead, better known as your emotional bond.
2) It only leads to further competition outside the bedroom
Competition in the the bedroom will eventually creep into your daily life. You’ll feel the need to win in other areas—areas that really don’t matter, especially if you “lost” last night. This will begin to influence your actions in your holistic relationship.
You’ll find yourself competing over who does the dishes better, who cooks the perfect Linguine, whose laundry sparkles the brightest…every little thing will become an opportunity to win.
3) Sex should be about giving
When you compete at sex you also forget to give to your partner. Sure you might be giving as many orgasms as humanly possible. Yes, you may have tried all the positions of Kama Sutra and then some. But you’re forgetting to give yourself emotionally to your lover.
The most important, but least appreciated benefit of sex is the emotional fulfillment you receive from and give to your lover. You might excel at giving them pleasure, but you’re likely withholding emotions. And you’ll never be able to fully open up enough to give your inner self to your partner, and you also won’t be able to show them your vulnerabilities.
4) You end up taking things too far
That’s right. One of the problems that comes with competition in the bedroom is the need to ratchet up the crazy of what you tried the last time. You might quickly find you’re no longer satisfied having sex in the comfort of your own home, for instance.
You will compete to find some place a little more daring, an elevator or a canoe perhaps. You might want to get into something more kinky and risqué, something your partner will want to draw the line at because they have become uncomfortable. You may end up offending or hurting your partner (physically and emotionally).
5) You won’t enjoy what your lover gives you
In your pursuit to do something bigger and better, you may fail to enjoy what your partner is already giving you. While your partner is doing what they do naturally to show you their love and affection, you’re are actually turning blind to it because of your want to win.
Instead, your competitive streak forces you to think of ways to one-up your mate and show them something better.
Sex becomes a show-off event for you. A one-man show, if you will.
6) Competition leads to emotional resentment
Your partner will begin to hate the way you act in the bedroom and will feel closed off from you, and with good reason. In your attempt to be rough and adventurous, you’ve probably stopped displaying warmth, care and sometimes even respect.
It might not be intentional, but it will happen. When you become cold in the bedroom (the one place where you should be your warmest and most loving), your lover will come to resent you outside of the bedroom.
7) Your lover isn’t really being pleased
After too much competition, no matter how hard you try, you will not be able to give your lover the sexual gratification. Why? You have closed them off emotionally which, in turn, closes them off physically. Your competition backfired and you’re left cold. And you may have overworked them physically.
I’m not saying your physical prowess in the bedroom is not important, but it is not as vital as practicing and learning a healthy emotional prowess.
Unedited Photo: Flickr/Richard foster