Former US Air Force Captain Bryan Reeves on why giving up porn is essential for modern men who want to have great sex and be in a world that doesn’t abuse women.
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In my boyhood teenage days of yore, using pornography required patience, even imagination.
One of my early adventures with porn occurred on weekday afternoons when I got home from middle school. I discovered my step-father’s erotic treasure trove of betamax video tapes with titles like “The Oriental Babysitter” and “Taxi Girls.” I only had a small window to watch them and pleasure myself a dozen or so times (oh, to be a teenager again) before anyone got home.
A few years later my tastes grew more sophisticated when mom started getting Victoria Secret catalogs in the mail. Although I kinda already knew what the big secret was, these glossy catalogs made my imagination work harder at unlocking it each time, and I delighted in that.
Those days of porn patience and teasing my imagination are gone.
At this very moment, I — and most every other man in Western Civilization — have in my hands a little device loaded with the entire known universe of pornographic material ready to stir my lust and blow my loins wide open. I never have to wait for the mail again.
“Enough is Enough” and “CovenantEyes,” two internet safety organizations (one is Catholic-based), offer these sobering statistics:
- Every second, 28,258 Internet users are viewing pornography.
- The pornography industry is a $97 billion industry worldwide.
- Men are 543% more likely to look at porn than females.
- More than 1 in 5 searches are for pornography on mobile devices.
“If you have the Internet, you have pornography in your home.”
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As a single man for the last four years, great sexual encounters with women have been a rare luxury. My iPhone, on the other hand, is all too willing to dance for me, undress for me, tease me, lick me, suck me, screw me and all around indulge me, whatever I want, any time I want.
I do not generally have an addictive personality, yet I have at times gone weeks using internet pornography every night to quickly arouse and then satiate myself. There were times I seemed to need it just to fall asleep. I used it so much that it once even gave me repetitive stress injury, messing up my otherwise formidable basketball game.
There’s nothing wrong with masturbation. But modern pornography can be a serious detriment not just to men, but to the women we love, too.
Here are 5 reasons why I believe men must give up consistent use of pornography for personal stimulation:
1) Porn can ruin our erections with actual women.
After I had been using porn moderately for about a year, I began to notice that I couldn’t sustain erections with women as long as I once could. I was horny as ever, but without the constantly changing visual erotic stimulation that watching video after video offered, one woman’s body couldn’t hold my erotic focus as effectively as it used to. To my frustrated surprise, real sex had become somewhat under-stimulating. Tragic. Since I gave up porn, even morning wood has made its return like an exotic tree rescued from the brink of extinction.
2) Porn can train our bodies to premature ejaculation.
I never had a problem with quick climax before I consistently used porn. I could always match, if not outlast, my female sexual partners, with or without a condom, with solid erections.
With porn, I could watch a short video and within minutes have myself rocketing towards climax. But I’d stop myself before I went too far, because I always wanted to see what different erotic adventure awaited me in the next video, just a click away. I would do this for an hour, rapidly rising in mindless bliss with every new short video, stopping myself at the edge each time. Eventually I’d realize how much time had gone by and I’d choose the best video I’d seen and let it throw me over the edge.
I was tuning my body to quickly rise and climax. I can immediately stop moving my own hand when I masturbate. A real woman’s aroused body doesn’t stop moving so fast. It’s like trying to slam on the brakes of a speed boat in deep water. I often couldn’t handle her enthusiasm, and I started getting really concerned.
Thankfully, quitting porn has allowed my body’s nervous system to re-tune itself to a less-hurried sexual pace and rhythm.
3) It’s such a waste of time.
Watching porn is a stupid use of our precious time on Planet Earth.
4) It creates unrealistic expectations of women.
Porn just makes us think women should be easier to get into bed. It makes us think we might get laid more if we were more bold or clever, or simply more aggressive.
Women in porn videos are always willing to let a man (or men) aggressively open them up and do whatever they want. They’ll take the money shot right in the face, on their knees beneath a cock and a camera, as if to fully underscore their willingness to be conquered and owned by a man, and for all the world to see.
In my experience, actual women don’t react to calculating male aggression by opening their legs. Even if some do it doesn’t mean it’s a direct link to creating an authentic intimate relationship. It just creates two bodies slapping into each other.
Women are lusty, sexual creatures, for sure. Just like us. But when men are ready to relate to women in deeper ways, ways that include sexuality and also transcend it, porn is an awful study. The wondrous feminine mystique of a woman, the mystique us men so desperately crave to experience, is only made available to the men who learn how to cherish a woman in her fullness. That doesn’t happen anywhere in porn.
5) When we watch porn, we may be supporting human trafficking, slavery, rape, and blackmail of women all over the world.
Despite my tame tastes, I unwittingly saw videos on the average free porn site that disturbed me.
I almost surely watched men manipulate, even outright blackmail, women into otherwise unwanted sex in fake taxi cabs, fake doctor’s offices, fake casting sets, and more. The camera never showed the man’s face, always only the woman’s.
I’ve discovered countless examples of criminal cases worldwide where people, mostly men, have been arrested and prosecuted for creating pornography with women they trafficked from other countries; women who were enslaved in buildings they couldn’t leave; women kept in place by physical violence; women threatened with exposure to their families; and more. I know now that I must have watched videos where women did sex acts they were forced to do. And my tastes in porn were downright tame.
I’m still tempted to watch porn sometimes. Even as I write this, my iPhone sits quietly beside me, able in a matter of seconds to unleash a marauding army of sexy “Oriental Babysitters” straight into my lizard brain. But clearly nothing good ever comes from that, so to speak.
Men, we’ve got to stop using porn. I know it’s a quick fix. I know some couples even use it to spice up an otherwise fading sex life.
But let’s find other ways. Let’s get creative. Porn is easy; it’s low-hanging fruit. It’s beneath our brilliance. And it’s not just hurting us; it’s hurting women.
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I stopped watching porn for some time, 3-4 months maybe. I
m tempted to watch porn today, thats why I
ve read what you wrote. It helps, thank you.This is so outdated, women are becoming slowly the biggest users in porn, its not only a men problem, if its a problem at all. And I believe that most of the problem expressed here (erection disfunction, unrealistic view on other people etc) stems more from people using to much time on the internet than just porn. Beside its not a wonder that most anti-porn freaks are older people (there are also young ppl but mostly are older) because the sexual revolution (where porn play a big part) scare the older generations since it put upside down their world view… Read more »
Thank you SO much for this well written, honest, article. It made me so grateful
Meanwhile, apparently Pornhub has put a notice up on their website asking people to PLEASE stop uploading videos of Germany fucking Brazil in that soccer game the other day.
Now…if you don’t think that wins the Internets, you’ve got no sense of humor whatsoever.
Wow Bryan, I so admire your ability to stand your ground, speak your truth, while still allowing others the freedom to express theirs. I admire your willingness to engage with people’s reactions and points of view with respect and listening, even if some may not even be really listening to you. Thank you for raising the bar on the bravery I want to be able to embody too in being present with people, no matter what. I know I get triggered too, and having compassion for that in others, and still being your self and in your truth with others… Read more »
See Andrea – nobody took offense to you masturbating in public. Tolerance is everywhere.
Hey Bryan, have you ever been so depressed about being alone that it made you impotent and just thinking about sex made you even more depressed because it made you feel hopeless about ever finding a real sex partner? If you ever get to THAT point, then you’ll be qualified to tell us all about the ill effects of porn. Until then, be happy with what you have and leave the rest of us to our own devices, because the majority of us perpetually lonely folks would give up porn in the blink of an eye if we had a… Read more »
Yes, Chad, I sure have. I have felt so lonely at times that my whole body physically hurt. I’ve written about that on my own blog.
“Embracing the Ache of Loneliness” – bit . ly / ache – of – loneliness
Chad, here’s that link describing the loneliness I have known … and still sometimes know:
http://bit.ly/ache-of-loneliness
And can you stop demonizing those that do use porn, as doing so as an outlet for their hate of women? Being categorized as part of an anti-porn brigade seems rather mild in comparison, no?
I don’t think there is any collective group of Artists that all claim the same thing. Even on sexual material, erotic material or simply showing the human body naked. Which is not even always about sex onto itself. And I will disagre that being categorized with flippant and dismissive comments to “anti-porn brigade” is “mild” and therefore okay. It’s possible that people who view porn get stereotyped but clearly so do people who disagree with porn. How about we work together ? I certainly could work harder in that regard. So could you and everyone else. How did I demonize… Read more »
You did indeed say that men who look at porn, do so as an outlet for their hatred of women Erin – explicitly and within the various subtext of harm/degradation that you often use within your commentary. This is classical radical feminist ideology-speak from the Andrea Dworkin/Catherine Mackinnon thought encyclopedia. Please don’t hedge behind #notallmen, as your history on this particular topic has a heavy emphasis on harm and hatred. This is absolutely your right, but it is not for me to let it go unnoticed. Do you similarly think that male gay porn is an outlet for male hatred… Read more »
Hi Elissa, I’m doing my best to be nothing but 100% authentic and to speak from my heart on this topic. Just so you know what place this comes from. I did not say “men who look at porn, do so as an outlet for their hatred of women.” What I have said is that porn sometimes does appear to be an outlet for unresolved feelings of anger, frustration and hate toward women. I don’t think many people would even really argue that. You’d have to live in a cave to ignore the increasing hardcore acts made toward women in… Read more »
Seriously Erin, how many times, how many people need to call you out on generalizations and how you treat men as a monolith before you change how you speak? You have serious issues to discuss but you ruin so many of them by sounding like you really are demonizing men. It’s seriously not that hard to avoid it. Here I’ll post some of the demonizing comments you’ve written on this page. “Men do not want to be responsible for the messages they actively pursue and give women about their bodies, sexual performance, ages and worth. They are not responsible for… Read more »
She’s not treating men as a monolith. She’s simply talking about most men and saying she can’t find any significant exceptions, which means…..oh….. Never mind.
lol!
WellOkaythen, do you disagree that most mainstream heterosexual porn has grown pretty hard and abusive toward women? Do most men not look at porn? Do you think that the people who make porn are making porn that most men who look at porn are responding to? Meaning, that if most heterosexual mainstream porn is of a certain content, it’s because that’s what most men are viewing. Do you disagree that most sexual material is dominated by what men like to see and how men like to see women’s sexuality represented for his fantasy? Do you ever wonder why porn has… Read more »
Erin, what do you have to say about women’s addictions to sex toys- vibrators specifically- and using it as a replacement to sex with real men???
Erin, you did exactly that.
And what Michael, porn treats women as individuals? It’s not a monolith on their sexuality based around the fantasy men want to see about women vs who women really are as individuals? Dressing up women in school girl outfits while someone ejaculates on their face and they are called a b*tch is a positive display of masculine/feminine relationships? Apparently it’s okay to stereotype and objectify women and their sexuality in porn when it’s about men’s fantasies. It’s just not okay to generalize men’s porn habits? It’s just not okay to call into question how men accept and participate in the… Read more »
Well, I would have loved some responses based around the points I bring up but clearly I’m not going to get them. We are not yet ready as a culture to face the amount of abuse we love to inflict on women in the name of what is “sexy”. The kind of abuse that would beconsidered animal cruetly if used on an animal or anti-semetic if used on a person of jewish decent based aroudn their jewisness. So we can can continue to abuse women and their bodies because it makes men horny to do so. And it’s not okay… Read more »
What misses the point in this article so blatantly is the lack of clarification of the difference between porn and erotica. Rather than spank mens’ hands for watching X-rated films why not redirect and advocate for sacred sexuality films (erotica) rather than sound puritanical and rather castrating of the male species?
The distinction between porn and erotica is pretty arbitrary. As I have pointed out multiple times before, written erotica is predominantly consumed by females.
In written erotica, you can *legitimately* get hold of tales involving rape, incest, bestiality etc.
But curiously, no-one is using the existence of that aspect of erotica to:
-write off the entire erotica industry
-demonise women/female sexuality/femininity
-rationalise the existence of female entitlement/rape culture
The anti-porn brigade and consistency don’t even have a fleeting relationship with each other.
Can we stop demonizing those who don’t agree with porn by writting them off with flippant comments of being an “anti-porn brigade”. Some people think porn is fine. Others don’t. Many will fall in the middle.
Probably not, Erin, since they are, in fact, the “anti-porn brigade.” You just wrote at least two massive, giant screeds in this thread alone. It’s never ‘some people think porn is fine. Others don’t” with you people. It’s always as though you’ve just marched down from the mountain with golden tablets. You haven’t.
I think “Anti-porn brigade” is used to mock those who disagree with porn, to show insincerity and an unwillingnus toward discussion to those who see massive issues with how porn exists currently. And yes Michael, I wrote a heck of a lot of stuff. I had a heck of a lot of stuff to say. Should I be ashamed of it? What exactly is the point of pointing out I said a lot of stuff. What does that accomplish for you? Respond to something I wrote, anything, pick a point and give me your feed back. I’d like that a… Read more »
I wasn’t responding to you personally, Erin – so I’ve no idea why you’re taking the anti-porn brigade comment so personally. What else should I call them? The pro-line dancing troop? Women remain one of the last groups of people you can completely violate, abuse and humilate based on their womanliness that you could do to no other group based on their race or religion alone without it being considered a hate crime. You couldn’t make a video of slapping around a jewish person, spitting on their face and choking them based on their jewishness. No matter if a Jewish… Read more »
Great points. Agree with you.
The difference is arbitrary, but pretty clear. The stuff I like is erotica. That trash other people watch that I don’t like is porn.
Or, the related definition:
If someone has the appropriate political/academic/artistic cred, or the correct gender, then what that person consumes is erotica. I call this the “Hipster Corollary.”
From the article:
“■Every second, 28,258 Internet users are viewing pornography.
■The pornography industry is a $97 billion industry worldwide. ”
At least someone somewhere must have made some kind of distinction between this and others, to be able to make this sort of claims.
Artists will claim that the erotic is an aesthetic while porn is a debasement, or anti-aesthetic.
Of course, vintage porn is now also aesthetically pleasing – so it seems erotic is simply porn+time+nostalgia
I watch porn not for the view of relationships but for explicit detail, I am a fan of high detail in genitalia, mechanics of sex, etc as I find it easier to create a fantasy of the other details such as relationships myself. I wouldn’t want to watch half an hour of foreplay for instance, I save that for when I am with someone and when I look at porn I don’t need to see anything more than just 2 (or more) people having sex, no background story, just the sex. Hell watching romantic stuff, romantic movies even usually just… Read more »
I guess I keep holding onto the hope that men will turn back to a time where they cared more about creating real relationships, real sex, real value in their experiences with real women. However, as technology moves forward, and porn grows in people’s lives, I think it’s become more important to have your fantasies met then to interact and relate to real women. What frustrates me most about this conversation is that men will ban together against sexist media that portray men negatively but when it comes to pornography, all bets are off again. It’s suddenly perfectly okay to… Read more »
I would also like to add that we wonder why there appears to be a strong sense of entitlement in our culture toward women’s bodies. It’s because we live in a world where the fast majority of sexual media shows men being entitled to women’s bodies.
” Fantasy women will always be better then anything a real woman is to her man.: No. Fantasy women are DIFFERENT to real women, it’s chalk n cheese. Start paying attention to what men say more and realize, men are not a monolith. “A MILF in porn is any woman over the age of 25.” MILF porn usually has actresses 35-40+, The Mature category comes next around the 45-50 mark. “Teens” are usually 18-23 or so, 23-35 isn’t really marked that I’ve seen. Granny is post-menopause with greying so probably 60+ “Porn categorizes women based on their body parts, age,… Read more »
“I guess I keep holding onto the hope that men will turn back to a time where they cared more about creating real relationships, real sex, real value in their experiences with real women.”
That’s a whole lot of misplaced nostalgia. I don’t know when that time ever was in human history. There are probably some eras that were better than others, obviously, but I don’t know what time this quote refers to. Trace the history of gender and sexual relationships and it’s hard to find this golden age. Maybe before the dawn of agriculture?
I actually think it was the dawn of the internet WellOkayThen. While clearly the internet has brought a lot of good, it also has seemed to fuel alot of bad too. My nostaligia is probably for the early 90s when the internet and porn didn’t appear to dominate our lives like it does now. When it was a magazine in the mail once a month, and it wasn’t the most hardcore acts you could imagine and see or where you didn’t have access to a million different types of women to be treated like flavors for consumption and then throwing… Read more »
I liked the article very much and thank you for it. Reason number 4 though, didn’t go as far as I think it needs to address what’s really going on in today’s porn. The author mentioned the money shot in the face as a symbol of the fantasy of ownership and domination of the woman… I was going to say partner, but target is more the right word. Most of today’s mainstream porn is literally depicts filmed physical and emotional degradation, humiliation and horrible abuse. Choking, gagging, brutal anal, staged (and according to ex porn actresses, very often actual) rape,… Read more »
I am very upset by the responses to this article but it’s not exactly shocking. When it comes to pornography, porn always wins. What frustrates me most about this conversation is that men will ban together against sexist media that portray men negatively but when it comes to pornography, all bets are off again. It’s suddenly perfectly okay to use, objectify and stereotype women with no question to the impact it has on our view of gender roles, men and women. The rules automatically seem to change when it suits men’s personal agendas. Where Huggie and appliance commercials have addressed… Read more »
Damn can we delete this one and keep the other one I wrote below?
This thread is a great example of the idea stated in Proverbs: “In a multitude of counselors there is wisdom”. What’s the collective wisdom of the hive mind here? Here’s my listicle: 1. Men don’t have to give up porn, and women don’t have to either. 2. The pseudo-science about porn rotting the brain (or whatever) has been thoroughly debunked. 3. For SOME people (like the blogger) porn is a problem. For such people, it might be better to give it up, rather than try to live with it. We can say the same about alcoholics and alcohol. 4. You… Read more »
Well said. Porn is fine. It’s how you use it. Just like alcohol, pot, guns, sex. Anything can be an addiction. I really really like ice cream. And I know I shouldn’t eat it all the time, but Ben and Jerry’s…
Honestly Off Parent, if i ate ice cream as much as the average guy looked at porn, I’d be overweight and have heart disease. What exactly does not ‘all the time” mean to people anyway?
Most guys I know stresses between work and family, trying to earn a living, get their kids to school and soccer practice, keeping the house afloat and their spouse somewhat happy, and trying to get something to eat and a couple of hours off to sleep every once in a while.
I have no idea how much, if any, that average guy have time even for an icecream, much less to watch erotica. Do you?
Considering how huge a business porn is, how the majority of it is all about men, their fantasies, their expectations on women; I would say plenty are making time for porn FlyingKal.
Considering how huge a business it is, you need to put it in relation to the average guy you are talking about. How do you do that?
Am I the only person to think you have to have something wrong with you to masturbate to porn for over an hour on your iphone? I’m not referring to physical issues, fyi.
What, if anything, does a woman do that’s “disgusting” enough to write an article about it? Nothing. Everything a woman does is alright right? Disrespect or talking down (in private or public) done by a man to a woman = controlling abusive. When done by a woman to a man = man has obviously done something bad to the woman, he needs to man up, or he doesn’t listen. Whatever woman do is okay by society standards. Verbally (or often physically) abuse a man it’s alright. Abuse kids, NO PROBLEM – they were probably abused or neglected too so they’re… Read more »
A lot of women (I’m one of them) honestly don’t “get” porn. I tried to watch some hardcore porn with my boyfriend and I just found it boring. Now, I don’t care personally if men use porn. I would just find a guy who spent a lot of time with porn to be quite unintetesting. I probably wouldn’t want a relationship. I love sex and I want to be a sexual being and experience a full and satisfying sex life with my partner. If he’d rather be wanking at his computer, what do I need him for? Also, I would… Read more »
I agree with you on this Jen. Porn can certainly be boring, but it does not matter, as it is mostly used as a masturbation aid. I knew a fellow that liked the “moan” audio tracks more than the visuals, using the sound to masturbate. No question that spending too much of your time watching porn is not productive. Speculating a bit here – guessing that most male users use porn when real meat sex is not available – always relegated to the next best thing, and that at best. If my partner started using porn as a replacement for… Read more »
“Meat sex”? ugh! Not exactly an appetizing thought. Not sure I’d want sex with a guy who thinks of me as “meat sex”! 🙂
I second Elissa’s statement here.
I have yet to meet a man, any man, who actually choses “the next best thing” over a real willing and enthusiastic partner.
As for boring, we all have different taste. I’ve heard rumours of people actually enjoying 3-hour violin concerts, but I wouldn’t dream of urging them to cancel “wasting their time” on this, even if it is common for musicians to end up with hearing problems over time.
OK, that was maybe a bit beside the point.
Hey, Optimize. I don’t think you’ve got the message. You’re not entitled to sex. Not even with yourself. This still leaves you with lots of options. Painting, sculpting, fishing, dancing, college courses, hiking, learn a language, travel, start a non-profit, you get the picture. Give yourself some outlets. Improve yourself and your life and make yourself attractive to the sex of your desire. If you develop your lucid dreaming you could probably shut down your nocturnal emissions as well. You will be a better man for it.
Frankly, even if porn viewing DID increase the likelihood of the viewer turning to violent crime, that by itself is not enough of a reason to stop it. There must be lots of things that could be correlated to an increasing likelihood of crime. I would not be surprised if my eating red meat made me slightly more likely to become violent, but that’s not reason enough for me to stop eating it. Let’s be honest. Once again, what we’re really talking about is male masturbation. What we’re talking about is what men think about while they pleasure themselves. This… Read more »
I’ve done a meta-analysis on your posting content and noted that 62% of all your entries address masturbation in some form 🙂
Imagine a world where daily masturbation was mandatory. Imagine the peace and tranquility of such a world.
I understand that Australia has the current highest rate for masturbation, though one would expect that from a former penal (read penis) colony.
Hmm…. Here I was thinking it was no more than 33%. : – ) Did you do a word search of my messages using all the variations and euphemisms for masturbation? You might get some false positives that way, like my rant about spanking monkeys, which had nothing to do with masturbation whatsoever.
How in the world would anyone ever get reliable data about which people in which countries do it more?
In your specific case, I was more concerned over false negatives 🙂
And to answer your reliable data question: it is tied to household Kleenex usage and Australia tops the charts.
Kleenex usage? Really? Hmmm. A useful indicator, but not very conclusive. You’d have to factor out two other significant issues – other reasons people use tissues, and other things they use besides tissues. Do people in Australia get a lot of colds or have a lot of allergies, for example? Even as a stupid teenager I always thought that keeping a box of Kleenex by the bed was a little too obvious. So, on the Kleenex indicator I register as a big zero. You’re right about the false negatives. My rant about the deisgnated hitter rule in baseball really was… Read more »
First rule of writing: write about what you know….. : – )
I’ve actually found when I masturbate without porn, back to using my wondrous imagination instead, that my orgasms are even more fantastic. … I never would have imagined!!
See now, THAT would be a very powerful kind of argument for me, that going without can actually make masturbation better. That would be the most appealing reason more than any others. I don’t know how common or true that argument is, but I’d definitely give it a listen. Much more that I would be willing to listen to the usual doomsday, root-of-all-evil, “you MUST give it up” approach.
Bryan – I would be interested, if you can and are willing to share, in knowing what your imagination uses for the purpose of masturbation. If you are a straight male, does your imagination use beautiful naked women, for example?
Or is this just a clever mental means for saving membership fees to porn sites, providing for a fiscally conservative improved orgasm 🙂
Everyone else has done a great job of calling out all the other errors here, so I’m just going to address a thing in point 5: you know all that “reality porn” is fake, right? The fake taxi, fake job interview, fake casting session, etc., that whole genre is fake. All of those girls are paid actresses playing a role. The man’s face is blurred to keep up the illusion, and to disguise that the same dude runs half a dozen of these “cons”. It’s not coercion, it’s not trafficking. It’s theater. Acting. You know, that stuff everyone claims porn… Read more »
Another reason to stop watching porn is because it can be a major trigger for SEX ADDICTION. As a former sex addict, porn was one, if not the biggest, trigger for me to act out. Thankfully, though therapy and the 4-STEPS I was able to come out of sex addiction. The 4-STEPS can be found on http://www.sexsurrender.com under the 4-STEPS tab.
Excellent, well-written piece. Thanks for your honesty and clarity. Tip: Ignore the silly Good Man trolls. They have completely diverted this site’s original purpose so that it now serves as little but a platform for their twisted nonsense (with the occasional article like yours thrown to them as fodder). The site’s admins sold out to them in the interest of short-term hits.
But…
I don’t typically engage in commenting on articles over the internet due to the rampant hateful, vindictive behavior many people display. But I truly wanted to take the time to thank you for writing this piece. It gets lonely for me as a young woman and the young men in my life who choose not to engage in porn for the exact reasons you stated and many others. I think it’s gotten to the point where men are even afraid to openly admit they don’t watch porn for fear of what other men will think of them. It’s as if… Read more »
> I think it’s gotten to the point where men are even afraid to openly admit they don’t watch porn for fear of what other men will think of them. No I don’t think that’s true at all. In my experience, any man who admits to watching porn is still ridiculed and slutshamed. Their masculinity and vitality are questioned. We all know that most men (and many women) watch porn but many men are terrified of admitting to their porn habits as it is still a huge taboo. It’s particularly true to men who have girlfriends or wives, as in… Read more »
If you ever get married, you’ll quickly find out, you can’t “get it any time.”
Yes and thank God for that. I don’t think anybody really wants to go back to the pre-70s America where you couldn’t be sent to prison for raping your spouse.
Now, the question of when it is and isn’t appropriate to refuse sex is a very complicated question. The difference between “I’m not in the mood because I’m mad” and “I’m not having sex with you as punishment for you being bad” are very hard to distinguish between sometimes. And whereas the former is reasonable the latter represents a form of sexual violence.
I have no doubt that porn is in some ways harmful. I tend to think that the damage is exaggerated, but I accept that I could be biased about that. The question is really HOW harmful is it, really? And, I have no problem with people bringing up statistics or studies about the negative impacts of watching porn. For me, that’s just about getting some data, reliable or not, to make a more informed choice. However, some people seem to be suggesting that “totally harmless” activities the only acceptable activities to engage in. If it causes damage or harm then… Read more »
Let me give you folks one more thing to think about — free Porn websites make money through advertising, which means using advertising networks which *track your porn browsing habits*. Just imagine all the juicy information collected by these advertising networks– searches people make made, people’s sexual fetishes and tastes, etc. That must be quite an interesting collection of profiles.
Even with Adblock and cookie blocking enabled, your browser is still easy to track as you go from site to site.
Damn, I was really hoping for a better argument than that. Most of his points can be countered with a suggestion that any addiction-forming substance or activity be approached in moderation. Honestly a lot of this sounds like a lot like an alcoholic claiming all alcohol to be evil to everyone. Second, porn, like tax dollars, can sometimes contribute to unethical activities. If you pay for it, and that really is a BIG ‘if’ nowadays, vote with your dollar. There are companies and even entire regions that with a small amount of research you can be confident are acting more… Read more »
> Perhaps the article should actually read: “people should watch ethically sourced, female positive porn and only in moderation”.
Absolutely. Now the trick is *finding* that quality porn. 99% of porn is horrible, and it’s hard to find the good stuff. https://reddit.com/r/chickflixxx is one place to start, but I’m not sure where else.
http://www.ladycheeky.com
http://www.frolicme.com
http://www.erikalust.com
I actually did a position paper for my psychology class. In my case, I took the side that pornography is not innately harmful. The summary is: 1. Pornography does not increase the level of crimes, to include sexually charged crimes, at all. No correlation was found in either of two studies. One taking place in USA, Germany, Denmark looked for a correlation in increase of reported crime and the increase of availability and less censorship of pornography. The other, performed at about the same time in Japan, actually showed a DECREASE in reported crimes as porn availability increased. This is… Read more »
Not going to disagree and say porn is necessarily bad but you’ve made a mistake in saying that porn doesn’t increase levels of crime at all, I’m not saying it does, but as you mention a correlation does not prove causation, there are many other factors to be considered.
It’s true that rates of sexual assault have declined in the U.S. but this is likely due to the fact that rapists are more likely to be prosecuted and given long prison terms or even life in prison. 30 years ago, rape might send you to prison for a couple of years, now it’s decades and in California, sexually violent predators can be subject to indefinite commitment. DNA has also made it much easier to find and convict rapists. So when people point to declines in sexual assault as evidence that porn prevents sexual assault, well that probably doesn’t hold… Read more »
You seem to have misunderstood my post. Or perhaps I wasn’t clear. I never said “porn prevents sexual assault.” The study in Japan showed a decrease in crime over time, but made no implication that porn was the cause. It was simply an observation. I’m also not sure that the law is the cause of lower sexual assaults. Marijuana is the 3rd most used drug in the United States, and the punishments for it’s use is ridiculous. I have no real reason to say it ISN’T helping, it’s just my opinion. Cheers.
This is rehashed feminist man shaming/controlling propaganda. As David Wise succinctly stated in his rebuttal, the opposite is actually true. Studies show that the fastest growing porn consuming demographic group is…wait for it….women! So should the same “rules” apply to ladies? Or do we have another double standard that favors women over men?
I’m one of those women who watches porn. But I only started watching when I became aware of feminist porn, which is generally more aesthetically pleasing and focusses on a woman’s pleasure. Lady Cheeky is a great example of this.
Re: “man shaming/controlling propaganda” I’m convinced that at least some of the anti-porn bluster is simply a bit of sexual role play happening under our very noses. There are plenty of men out there who are turned on by women telling them that they’re dirty animals, shaming them for watching porn, acting like judgmental school marms, etc. And the thrilled submissives whining, “but it’s harmless, mistress!” There’s an entire genre of sexual role play built on the denial of pleasure. Someone tells you that you are forbidden from pleasuring yourself, for example. What more perfect online dom/sub role play could… Read more »
Just so you know, this is creepy as all hell: “Women are lusty, sexual creatures, for sure. Just like us. But when men are ready to relate to women in deeper ways, ways that include sexuality and also transcend it, porn is an awful study. The wondrous feminine mystique of a woman, the mystique us men so desperately crave to experience, is only made available to the men who learn how to cherish a woman in her fullness. That doesn’t happen anywhere in porn.” I’m a woman and this makes my skin crawl.
Why would that make your skin crawl? Are women not sexual creatures just like men? How is this creepy to you?
Well done your a woman….. that makes a difference to the debate
I’m a woman too. I think that comment is right on. Men wanking it to porn makes my skin crawl. Although it does kill all my lusty desire to have sex with them. Regardless of how highly frustrated I am it is not enough to make it worth it. As to the poster above this one. Ya stop cold turkey before you have sex. I’m pretty sure that is what the writer was saying. Quit the porn so women will want to have sex with you.
Reverse slutshaming?
No, that’s totally fine. She is perfectly welcome to choose to restrict herself to men who don’t look at porn. In fact, she is totally right to pursue what turns her on and avoid what turns her off. I congratulate her on her willingness to pursue the sexuality that pleases her the most. Meanwhile, men are right to do the same. Men are perfectly welcome to restrict themselves to partners who don’t mind or partners who are able to compromise on it. My own experience is that I’m totally turned off by women who want too much control over my… Read more »
Although this is just the way that men in military and police subcultures talk, and maybe it’s just the jargon:
Referring constantly to women as “females” is pretty off-putting to a lot of women. That’s sort of the way that wildlife biologists talk about animals. Even as a guy, I think it’s a little creepy to refer to women as “females” all the time. At the very least, it’s probably best to be symmetrical or consistent. Don’t call men “men” and then call women “females.” If women are females, then call men males.