I am so bummed.
Picture this: I had this incredible evening with this brand new guy I met. He is for sure special, extremely smart, elegant in manners, confident.
We met over coffee three weeks ago. He lives in Morocco and flew into London for three days just to spend some time together.
I believe in his dreams and he is also very cute, which doesn’t hurt. He’s so sweet and present.
I get dress up to the nines, make up, outfit, head out at 10pm of a Sunday night because his train had been delayed and run over to him in the pouring rain.
I feel a little bit like the lead of my own romantic comedy, running out with my pink umbrella. I was supposed to take my boots to repair but I completely forgot so it also feels like I am literally splashing in puddles, perfect opening to my own rom-com.
I see him in the darkest part of the street. He looks gorgeous. I am so jittery and excited but everything is closed at this time on Sundays. I head over to a cool hamburger place which, despite the late time, will still feed us.
Over the weeks in which we didn’t see each other we talked non stop which is always a bad idea because there is always that risk that you imagine things that don’t actually exist. The only problem is that while I have experienced this multiple times and knew that this was the case, he didn’t.
After talking for an hour we headed over to his b&b. The room was so small that we had to sit on the bed but to be honest I was happy to be there, lips against lips, to explore if he could be the man for me.
Recently I decided that I would no longer jump into things head first. I would be me, the true me, the romantic, old fashioned, I-don’t-want-to-sleep-with-a-stranger-just-to-make-him-happy me.
I chose not to sleep with him.
That said, we had the most incredible moment just kissing and holding each other close.
The next day he wakes up and doesn’t text me as he normally does. And he’s in London, FOR ME!
I begin wondering what was wrong. Is it because I said no to sex? Is there another reason?
Later during the day we make plans to see each other after work. Here is another strange thing — despite being in London for me, he decided to go work elsewhere, around the corner, without me.
Anyhow, he picks me up at my office and we go off on a three hour walk all around London. We stop to eat Chinese in Soho, dinner is perfect. He looks so cute and he’s such a gentleman. Typically I am the least shy human on the planet, very confident, however he taps into some part of me that makes me all jittery. I feel like a teenager on a first date, trying to be as perfect as can be.
We talk about subjects which are fundamental. I’m Catholic, he is Muslim. I know a bit about his religion from friends and from the media but I was keen to see where he was at. He tells me he believes there is an energy that we can call God. Everyone calls it in a different way — God, Allah…but in principle it’s the same entity. He doesn’t believe in the writings, he believes it’s just a way to share a common set of basic values with a vast population. I figured I’m okay with this view of religion, it’s similar enough to mine.
We talked and walked for hours, we stopped into a little Moroccan sweets shop and we tried his favorite desserts. We kissed, we hopped on a bus and laughed like kids.
We went back to his, I decided I wasn’t ready to have sex yet and this time he tired harder. Then out of the blue he said he was so glad we had this second evening because the day before he thought he had made a mistake coming to London.
He thought we didn’t have chemistry. All of this while actually I thought the exact opposite.
Hearing him say that he thought we didn’t have chemistry while we were half naked next to each other froze me. How could it be that I thought we had an incredible evening and were super into each other and he had the opposite perception?
Summary of my perfect date
- Mental connection
- Attracted physically
- Deep conversation
- Laughter
- Sharing of special moments
- Openness in telling our life stories
- Alignment in values
It seemed pretty perfect to me…
How can two people live the same exact moment and experience it in completely different ways?
Recently an ex told me we had the best sex. I thought it was possibly the worst sex I ever had in my life. Initially I thought he said it just to be nice but I quickly realized he meant it. Crazy.
This got me wondering: had this happened to me before?
Could it be that in my mind I have a recollection of multiple amazing dates when in reality the guy I was with thought the exact opposite?
Could it be that some of the men I diagnosed with specific psychological issue were in fact just not interested because they viewed the same experience in a totally different way?
Like any normal person would do in this situation, I turned to Google. Here is what I found out.
How do different people perceive the same event differently?
Here is what the first search on Google said:
The brain does not record reality like a camera; it constructs a representation of reality through analysis and synthesis of sensory information. Therefore, each person’s perception of any given event will be unique, which explains why people can have such differing memories of the same event. Even if the same sensory information is available to two different people, the unique history of each person’s brain will ensure that the final perception of each individual will differ, colored by variations in the individuals’ attention, memories, emotional states, etc.
Basically, sensation and perception will always vary between two people. This explains unrequited love, it explains those dates where we come home thinking — wow, I just met my person, just to discover they never call you again.
We all know (and some of us are this person) people who believe in the ultimate truth. They almost impose their own version of truth as the only possible version of it, they have the ultimate last word on what is right and what’s not, of what was ‘true’ and what isn’t.
We need to let them know, the are probably wrong. There is no completely objective version of reality, because we always view reality with our won glasses on.
We each live experiences with a determined set of lenses and filters based on our values, what happened previously during our day, past experiences, our temperament etc.
Based on this, we form judgments and opinions.
What I realized upon reflection is that I knew I liked this guy from a mental standpoint and because my love language is physical touch, I was looking to see if the chemistry was there from a physical standpoint. I had already assessed that the rest was all there for me.
On his side, his love language is quality time, therefore he wanted to double check that dating me was in fact as mentally challenging and interesting as he had assessed over the first time we had met. I wasn’t so focused on this and I knew that at 10pm on a Sunday after traveling all day we were unlikely to experience the deep awakening conversation he was longing for (and I didn’t realize he did). Chemistry for me was a strong attraction to the man, for him it was a strong attraction to the brain.
We were in the same room, living the same experience, yet having a completely different perception of it.
That said, it crushed me a bit to hear that the day before he felt like we had no chemistry whereas I thought it was brilliant.
If you want to know what the other person is thinking of feeling you’re going to have to ask (and hope that they are truthful).
There is no way around it. For all those of you who struggle with communication, sorry guys. I feel you.
We need to talk about things to understand what the other is feeling. At times they may be more or less honest with us but there is absolutely no way we can go with our perception alone. Yes, our gut will tell us what it feels, however, their gut may be telling them something completely different.
Whether we want to admit this or not, the only way in which we can achieve clarity is to be honest and open ourselves, and hope that the person in front of us is vulnerable and open enough to do the same.
Should we try it?
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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