There’s no such thing as an “ex-gay.” It’s time to put reparative therapy behind us.
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This past week, Rev. Russell Moore, director of the Southern Baptist Convention’s Ethics and Religious Liberty Commission, was reported by the Religious News Service as denouncing reparative therapy for gays. “The utopian idea if you come to Christ and if you go through our program, you’re going to be immediately set free from attraction or anything you’re struggling with, I don’t think that’s a Christian idea,” Moore said.
The problem is, after more than 40 years there is not a shred of peer-reviewed scientific evidence that proves anyone’s sexual orientation has changed.
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It’s an idea that originated in the early ‘70s with Love in Action and Exodus International, two of the world’s most renowned organizations that tried to change people from gay to straight. The problem is, after more than 40 years there is not a shred of peer-reviewed scientific evidence that proves anyone’s sexual orientation has changed. Researcher Lisa Diamond has most recently provided over a decade of groundbreaking research on sexual fluidity, but even then has stated in a personal interview that she has never seen a single person change from gay to straight.
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Why were we trying to change someone’s orientation in the first place?
Changing someone’s sexual orientation is an antiquated idea from the earliest psychotherapists at the turn of the century. Many believed homosexuality stemmed from a poor parental relationship(s), or was the result of abuse or other trauma. The problem with what became a mainstream hypothesis about homosexuality is that no one bothered to research well-adjusted gay people until the 1950s. It was nearly 20 years after this research that homosexuality was finally removed as a mental illness diagnoses from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Illnesses. By that time, religious zealots had jumped in the parade of belief that same-sex attractions were nothing more than unbridled debauchery. One by one, science and the gay community is still trying to dismantle their floats.
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“Tens of Thousands” of Ex-Gays
Anecdotal stories, such as the one told by Christian rapper Jackie Hill-Perry, don’t make the myth disappear any faster. “The Word of God itself, apart from Jackie Hill, testifies that people can change,” she was heard to say on a Christian Radio show. Other testimonies, such as that of Gospel artist Donnie McClurkin, and more “seasoned” ex-gays, such as Frank Worthen, David Kyle Foster and Stephen Black make the waters murkier for those who want to believe God will change someone’s sexual orientation as evidence of faith.
In 2013, after a failed attempt at providing a show of force in Washington DC, Ex-gay Pride Month’s organizer, Christopher Doyle, told American Family Radio’s Sandy Rios that “tens of thousands” existed but are “in the closet because of fear, shame and threats from gay activists.” According to Right Wing Watch, who shared the story, less than ten people showed up for the first (and last) Ex-gay March on Washington.
The “tens of thousands” number is a common phrase used in Christian media and quoted by faithful hopefuls in response to scientific claims that sexual orientation cannot be changed.
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The “tens of thousands” number is a common phrase used in Christian media and quoted by faithful hopefuls in response to scientific claims that sexual orientation cannot be changed. The truth is they don’t exist. In fact, once Christian organizations latch on to an “ex-gay” individual, he or she is usually catapulted into Christian stardom, appearing frequently on the top-rated Christian media outlets, such as the 700 Club, Focus on the Family and Trinity Broadcasting Network. It’s generally the same person, or a small group of individuals that do the talking for the “tens of thousands.” The consequences become a problem of their own for that individual.
John Paulk, whose name is synonymous with the ex-gay movement, said in Politico Magazine this year, “More and more, when I’d have to get up and speak to crowds about my gay conversion, I felt like a wind-up toy. I’d go back to my hotel room, fall on the bed and start weeping.” He issued a statement of apology in 2013 for the pain he caused so many others by his deception, though his own change was something he, too, desperately wanted to believe.
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So what about those who appear to have truly changed?
Sexual and gender researcher Dr. Lisa Diamond’s first book, Sexual Fluidity: Understanding Women’s Love and Desire, focused on female sexual orientation, Women’s sexuality is more complex than men’s sexuality, or so it was thought, which allows some women to become romantically involved based on emotional attraction, rather than simply a physical one and regardless of gender. However, Dr. Diamond’s research found something much broader than we thought about human sexuality before. It is a vast and shifting phenomena for both sexes, not nearly as cut and dry, black and white, or as identifiable as previously thought.
Is it possible for someone who identifies as gay or lesbian to remain in a heterosexual relationship? Yes. One former ex-gay leader, who is still married and no longer believes in the ex-gay message, told me that they are 60% attracted to the opposite sex and 40% attracted to the same sex. They see no reason to leave their spouse or family simply because their beliefs have changed. Dr. Diamond also told me she has seen cases where someone was romantically attracted and attached to the gender of the opposite sex, though the person identified as homosexual. Religion does not play a factor in either of these cases, however religious obligation can and does play a factor in some situations.
I know many who once identified as ex-gay, but now have gone silent on the issue. They are not “in the closet because of fear, shame and threats from gay activists,” as Christopher Doyle suggests. In private conversations they have in fact realized they are still gay. Some have confessed extra-marital gay affairs or hookups throughout their years of marriage, gay porn, or inwardly long for a gay relationship. However, they have also maintained their faith, or told me they willingly chose to get married because they wanted a wife and kids. In spite of it all, they’ve said, they don’t have regrets about their choices to do so.
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We take issue with unsubstantiated claims of sexual orientation change and the false hope it holds out to young people, their families, and their churches.
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Those of us in the gay community, and former ex-gays, do not take issue with gay people who choose to remain celibate for their faith, or any other reason for that matter, or those who decide they simply want a traditional family. We take issue with unsubstantiated claims of sexual orientation change and the false hope it holds out to young people, their families, and their churches. The cold, hard reality is that not everyone can remain single, or celibate. Even the Apostle Paul was aware of this when he said that it is better to marry than burn with lust (1 Corinthians 7:9). Ironically, many Christians want to deny marriage to lesbians and gays, as well.
As Rev. Moore eluded at the Ethics and Religious Liberties meeting last week, the idea of “ex-gay” therapy has come and gone. Religion News Service writer, Sarah Pulliam Bailey even noted, “Earlier this year the 50,000-member American Association of Christian Counselors amended its code of ethics eliminating reparative therapy and encouraging celibacy instead.” Each of these steps brings us closer to ending the harmful practice of reparative therapy and allows people – all of us, not just the LGBT community – to live authentically, accepting ourselves and others, the way God intended.
Photo–Daniel Gonzales/Flickr
With regards to Mark’s comments, I think it would be worthwhile to stress something fundamental which is often ignored in these debates; that men and women are very different when it comes to their sexual orientations. Yes, there are many stories of “ex-lesbians” who are now mothers married to men. Furthermore, such often happens without religion. Indeed, there is a phenomenon known as “Lesbians Until Graduation”, whereby impressionable sophomores, rebelling against convention, claim to be lesbians but are hanging on the arm of a guy by the time they get their diploma. This points up to a fluidity many women… Read more »
First before you float the idea of sexual orientation as immutable, you have to prove that concept first. This article is set on a foundation of sand, because it relies on an unbiblical and unscientific idea as a given. Furthermore, the claim that people who have walked away from homosexuality don’t exist is humourous to me, given I know seven such people myself. But the author belligerently claims “they don’t exist”. Well, they do. The fact that some of those people who have walked away from homosexuality may have ongoing struggles proves nothing, except that all people are sinners. Tim… Read more »
Just as you know some people who call themselves “ex-gay,” I know even more people who are “ex-straight.” Your point is mute!!! By the way, gay people are not the only ones with a sexual orientation. Lest you forget, heterosexuality is ALSO a sexual orientation so if sexual orientation is NOT immutable as you claim, that means that not only is homosexuality a choice but so is heterosexuality, bisexuality, and asexuality! Given that scenario, why should heterosexuals receive favoritism over the other sexual orientations? Why should those who CHOOSE the heterosexual lifestyle be given universal marriage rights, employment protection (the… Read more »
Mark2, if someone “walks away from” heterosexuality, but is still sexually attracted to people of the same sex, he is still heterosexual. He may stop having heterosexual sex; he may never again have heterosexual sex; but he is still heterosexual. Even if he not only resisted all heterosexual “temptation” but forced himself into a homosexual “lifestyle”, he would still be heterosexual. To say that he was “ex-straight” or “a former heterosexual” would be to use language in a misleading and dishonest way. Mutatis mutandis, the same is true of people who “walk away from” homosexuality. The analogy with alcoholism, although… Read more »
Mark2 – You’ve said nothing more than what you’ve heard from the religious right pundits on this topic. While you may disagree with me, I do speak with authority and have years of research behind me. The Christian right recycles arguments it has held for the last 25 years. I helped create and perpetuate those arguments as a leader in ex-gay ministry. When I actually studied the topic, I came to a different conclusion. While I don’t perceive, based on your statements, that you’re interested in learning about this, I would highly recommend a book called, Walking the Bridgeless Canyon,… Read more »
I saw this article posted on Facebook, came over to have a read as I’d never heard of this group . . Someone said it’s a good, factual article; I don’t know about that, I have more questions as I read, than answers. First of all, “immediately set free from attraction”? I’ve never seen that claim – perhaps it came from some now-defunct group(s)? The ones I know, individuals and groups, speak of gradual progress, stages of recovery (celibacy first, a detachment from the gay community and from the necessity of having a gay identity, moving into comfort with their… Read more »
An equally valid question is “why don’t heterosexuals advocate for straight conversion therapy” where they can attempt to leave the heterosexual lifestyle? If gay people are expected to try to become “ex-gay” through a gradual process, heterosexuals can certainly do the same. After all, EVERYBODY has a sexual orientation- including heterosexuals so if it is a choice as the homophobes claim, being a heterosexual is also a choice and people who choose to be straight are NOT born that way!!! Or maybe, a better thing would be to acknowledge the diversity of creatures. Just as we are not all one… Read more »
By the way, being the “ex-wife of a gay man” such as you are, one would think you would be able to clearly see the damage that shaming and convincing people that they can convert into heterosexuality is doing to families. Why would you want to torture people into lying to themselves and everybody else about the true nature of their sexual orientation? How does it benefit society to play the game of convincing people that they are “ex-gay” so that they go out and marry an opposite sex partner just to satisfy some insatiable fetish with the heterosexual lifestyle?… Read more »
Good,cogent, factual article. I wonder however if a not even more impossible situation is developing for Christians with homosexual attractions who are now being told on the one hand that there is no Biblical or Church sanction for living out their desires/attractions, and on the other hand, there is no possibility of relief or “change” of their attractions. Celibacy remains the sole option, even though it may be neither volitional, vocational, or achievable. Is the Church actively supporting and teaching practical, life-long celibacy?
Great question, Tim. In my experience as a pastor, celibacy was taught to heterosexual couples (which is what people were always assumed to be in the church), but I know of very few who waited to have sex before marriage. Instead, they told people that they waited and/or carried extreme shame about having sexual relations before they were married. I know of some couples who carried that shame in their marriage several years after the fact. Humans are sexual beings who respond biologically to sexual chemical impulses in the brain (e.g. the junior high boy who gets an erection for… Read more »
I should have included in my comments, Tim, that the sole option which the Church has provided or blessed for single celibate Christians within the Church has been the monastic life. And I looked at that, from the inside of monastic walls, for about 7 years, before rejecting that option, temporarily, for myself. I agree with you about the “next logical solution” or step being to offer support within the Church (other than monastic life), I wish it would happen in my lifetime, but I think I’ve given up on that, sadly. But I have found community of sorts, with… Read more »
There is no such thing as an ex-gay. Any man who identifies as an ex-gay and latches onto a woman in the West in this day and age is simply using her as a vessel for creating kids because homosexuality is no longer criminalized in this country, and it is illegal to kill or abuse gay people in this country which makes it different from third world countries. These so-called “ex-gays” are under the mistaken assumption that If they live their lives as authentically gay people, they are giving up being able to have biological children which is simply not… Read more »
Stay tuned, Amy. Next week I’ll be talking about mixed orientation marriage between gay men and straight women.
Looking forward to this. Most of the mixed orientation marriages I actually know (as in they state is, not people assume it) are lesbians and straight men, with those women identifying as lesbian before they committed to the guy, as opposed to women who came out later but remained in the marriage.