I thought J was the “one”.
I liked him too much, invested too much, and dreamt of having the future together too much.
They say love can make you crazy — so you’ll do anything to be with the person.
But what if it’s merely lust and nothing more?
People mistakenly see love bombing as true love. Then they’re surprised why it fades away in like a year or two.
But here’s the thing: it’s harder to identify if this is true love or you’re just getting too attached too quickly.
I wish I caught these signs earlier so I didn’t have to waste so much of my time.
You go through an emotional roller-coaster — all the freaking time
I thought it was normal to like someone so much one day and hate him the next day.
I was happy only when his mood was great and I was sad when he was upset about something.
Every day felt like I was on a roller-coaster.
There are no days where I just felt so stable and at peace. It’s either high in love or crying my eyes out.
It’s only years later that I realize it’s nothing but a toxic relationship. But I definitely played a huge role in it as I let myself get too attached too quickly.
It’s also a red flag if you met someone for a few months and they already asked you to be your partner. True love is slow and has no problem taking the time to know each other.
Because really, what’s the rush?
You only feel happy when they’re happy
Imagine being with someone who has the power to tell you the time when you can be happy. The whole dynamic in the relationship depends on their moods.
That’s not so fair.
But that what happened when you get too attached too quickly to someone.
You tend to forget your own needs. You prioritize their needs instead because well, you just want to make the relationship work.
Over time, staying in a such relationship would feel like a chore. I’ve been there — twice. And both times I still regret it ’til this day.
When you’re more invested than the other person, it’s hard to think that a relationship with a balanced effort exists.
They’ll keep trying in giving their everything until they run empty.
You need constant reassurance that the feeling is mutual
I have a deep anxious attachment issue and in my past relationships, I worried too much about my relationship status.
“Is he still into me?”
“Does he think about our future together?”
“Where is this going?”
Because of those unnecessary worries, I pushed myself to put more and more. I wanted to make sure that it was working.
But I learned that couples in healthy relationships don’t need to do all that.
I mean, think about it. Life is already stressful. The point of being with someone is so you can share each other ups and downs.
Why put yourself under so much stress just to be with someone?
If you end up struggling alone and not being able to communicate your problems, then it’s a warning sign you aren’t with the right person.
Both you and your partner like to love-bomb each other
You know how it goes…
You felt like on top of the world the first week after you swiped right at each other. The talking stage was smooth and this person made you feel special.
The texting and calling didn’t stop for a couple of months. You told each other pretty much everything.
Of course with all this love-bombing activity, it’s hard not to catch feelings.
3 months in and you’re so emotionally invested. You want to make it work no matter what happens. So when this person suddenly put in a low effort, you wouldn’t see it as an issue.
I hate to break it to you but it’s certainly not love — you were just in a honeymoon phase.
True love shows when the phase fades away. That’s why dating experts always recommend taking your time to commit especially when it’s still early.
You don’t know what exact traits you like about them
“To avoid becoming attached to a new partner too fast, it can be helpful to learn the difference between attraction and compatibility.” — Caitlin Cantor LCSW
Someone who gets too attached quickly tends to overlook the bad traits.
Take me for example.
I used to fall in love quickly and invest too much early on just because of the “strong feelings” I had for them.
I didn’t think about the compatibility part. As long as we had strong chemistry, then I thought everything would work out accordingly.
This is the worst approach to finding true love. You can’t simply depend on chemistry because it might be gone tomorrow.
You can’t depend on how strong your current feelings you have because well, feelings change all the time.
So it’s a bit impractical to declare that you’ll commit to making the relationship work before you figure out whether you’re compatible with this person or not.
Because true love isn’t as romantic as what we’ve seen online. It’s actually pretty boring and mundane — but stable.
That’s why if you don’t know if their characters align with your needs, then it’s better to step back and analyze your commitment to them.
I’m 29 and I don’t know much about love.
I don’t think anyone is truly a master at it. But I know that good love isn’t those who make you feel like you’re walking on eggshells.
It feels secure and stable.
You don’t need to empty your cup just to make them stay. If that’s how you feel, the first thing you need to do is to ask yourself,
“Are you truly into this person or are you just afraid to be alone?”
When you let the unhealthy attachment go, you’ll begin to process your thought and define what’s true love for you.
This post was previously published on medium.com.
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