The new suicide isn’t physical, it’s mental.
I’ve never told anyone this before, but I’ve attempted the new suicide, at least twice. It’s not something I’m proud of, it’s not something I talk about … it was actually the lowest points in my young life.
The mind is a powerful tool and it played a number of tricks on me in the beginning of my self-started career as the CEO of Techbook Online, which in 2014 is the largest and most active publisher with Comcast’s Project Open Voice, a national initiative to strengthen local content.
But in 2009, when I founded the paperless marketing and news organization, it was just a “green thing” to some and a waste of time to others. I had no journalism degree, a sh*tty wireless modem that could barely load a YouTube video and a bank account that was getting smaller by the month.
I was down to my last $500 when I began to think that maybe this idea of owning a global news organization would never happen and I should follow the advice of some friends who urged me to play drums behind touring artists and call it a day.
It’s not that I didn’t like playing drums—I f*cking love it, it gives me balance—but I didn’t just want to be another Philly drummer fighting for a small number for gigs controlled by an oligarchy that was drenched in cronyism. I wanted something sustainable that I could grow and pass on, but more importantly, that people from all walks of life could be apart of.
The latter is happening: this Saturday I, along with international broadcaster Dr. Vibe, will be joined on a special episode of Black and Bold Voices—a quarterly, online town hall discussion featuring black men around the world and the issues that unite them, powered by Techbook Online and heard exclusively on www.TheDrVibeShow.com—by American activists who are leading in the anti-police violence movement.
But I can’t help but think of what would have happened if instead of just attempting to commit the new suicide, I was successful in the death of a dream.
“The new suicide is giving up on your dreams and your future when the going gets tough or never pursuing your dreams at all,” writes Chicago author Mr. Richard Taylor in chapter four of his new book, Between the Dream. “The new suicide is based on a person giving up in the greatest areas of their life and being totally okay with it,” he states, informing his readers that “in life, you are going to face some messed up situations and you will feel like you’ve been dealt a few bad hands, but understand – that is normal.”
I didn’t always understand that the struggles and challenges were normal, I though God … the universe was just f*cking with me and didn’t want me to be successful. I would pray for easier situations, less challenges. Now I pray for more skills and knowledge to handle the rough patches.
I no longer have the feeling of failure when things aren’t moving fast enough, or not moving at all. I understand life a little better now and I recognize that the anxiety I experience isn’t necessarily a bad thing, that’s just the normal feeling you get when you’re between the dream.
CLICK HERE to purchase “Between the Dream.”
Thanks for reading. Until next time, I’m Flood the Drummer® & I’m Drumming for JUSTICE!™