Ask yourself: which love life do you really want? The one where you’re “exploring” new partners every few months, or having that one loyal partner that knows you inside and out?
When it comes to relationships, these are generally the two directions people gravitate. It’s often either romantically exciting, or pleasantly comfortable. (Yes, of course these can exist together, and there are ways long-term couples can re-ignite the spark.)
However, some people in committed relationships end up doing impulsive things that they end up regretting when they realize what they’ve lost. They want both lust and love, which don’t always mix.
The monogamy debate
Let’s back up a little to explain what compels people to go either direction — one partner or many.
The idea of a stable partnership with some side action goes back to before ancient times. The general thought is that dudes want to impregnate as many different women as possible, while women desire a solid male to protect them and their newborns. (This theory sounds like a man wrote it, by the way.)
The idea of being in an exclusive partnership is only about 1,000 years old. But it makes sense in a lot of ways: multiple partners can lead to STDs. There’s also an interesting theory that prehistoric males clobbered babies in their rush to win the attention of a new mother in the group. A belief is that males started pairing with females in an attempt to protect their own offspring.
If the theory that males liked to “roam around” to spread their genes is true, then it makes sense why a man would cheat against his better judgment. But why is it that women are reportedly more likely to cheat than men — mostly out of boredom? (A woman reported this fact, in case you were wondering.)
The truth us, the downfall of relationships is not always anyone’s fault: modern women (and men) can get bored staring at even the most beautiful paintings, just like one may grow tired of eating their favourite meal every night. Familiarity can lead one to take for granted what’s in front of them.
While I do think having multiple lovers will become a more mainstream thing, I don’t see a deep connection with one person becoming extinct.
The warm hug of routine
While not always “exciting”, it’s very tough to top comfort in your life.
Long-term relationships are like that modestly stylish, but incredibly warm winter jacket. It is well-lined, keeping you warm and secure. Sometimes you like to admire it hanging from across the room, nodding your silent appreciation.
This cozy jacket is always there, waiting for you. Its zipper doesn’t (often) snag, but if it does, you can work it out. It has pockets where you can hide your secrets, and trust they won’t fall into the wrong hands.
Without this jacket, you’d be shivering. You’d feel vulnerable and exposed to the world. There would be the overwhelming feeling that something was missing. It just wouldn’t be… well, comfortable.
In the other corner, we have the short-lived relationships (or multiple ones.) These are more like wearing something stylish, but impractical. It looks good on the surface, but won’t keep you warm on long winter nights, and will go out of fashion eventually.
People choose the newest and trendiest styles because of the related dopamine rush. The problem with these rushes is that they’re driven by a reward system, akin to addiction. That’s why we have so-called “adrenaline junkies” who continuously take risks that may be bigger than the reward, even if they’ve been burned already.
However, like many things that give people a rush, it’s generally short-lived.
In fact, recent research suggests the “Honeymoon Phase” — that time when you’re still infatuated with each other — can be as short as six months. (This is considerably shorter than the 7-year-itch, which was previously believed to be when the relationship starts getting stale.)
Yes, lust and desire are exciting and are big drivers of human behaviour, but they often burn out quickly.
Then what?
You have two choices when this happens, whether it’s been only a few weeks or several years together.
Good relationships are like successful investments
The “comfortable” thing for many people is to stay with the relationship, and not rock the boat. (Unless of course the relationship is abusive in some way, in which case you should run like hell.)
That’s because they’ve put time and effort into getting to know the person, and vice versa. You’ve made it through some rough times, rode the ups and downs, and you know what to expect from them — well, more so than someone you just met.
However, if you decide to stray, know there is no replacement for the intimate knowledge you gain from a partner who loves you and confides in you, and returns the favour.
Sure, you may find someone new that’s refreshing and exciting — but how long will it last? If you’re not the type to appreciate a person fully, then you’ll likely be stuck in a cycle of finding new partners.
It takes time to learn more about a person, but it’s worth it. Everyone has flaws, so each time you choose someone new, you’re making a compromise. You might gain some good qualities in a new partner, but you’ll lose the ones you left behind.
A fling is not a fair trade-off for a real connection
I can only imagine that this decision — faithfully monogamous or more sexually adventurous — has become more difficult for the younger generations. Dating apps are basically designed to simulate browsing a candy store, and there are so many candies you want to try.
This is likely why more people than ever are declaring an “open” relationship. This is an “ethical” way to have sex with other people while in a relationship, with rules agreed to by both partners.
But can polyamory actually satisfy both desires — one for comfort, and one for exploration?
I’ve read some horror stories about how polyamory can go wrong. For example, one of the partners may get jealous or want more, which will lead to dramatic showdowns that you’d usually find in reality shows. (Do you really want that in your life? Well, maybe you do, some people get off on unnecessary drama.)
Hey, if having multiple partners or not getting serious with anyone beyond sex is your thing, then go for it. I’m not judging. This could be the lifestyle meant for you.
Just don’t expect any of your short-lived romances to show up at the hospital for you, spontaneously serve your favourite foods, or laugh at your obscure jokes (that only they get.)
Love the one you’re with
When you’re with someone for a long time, you gain something that you simply can’t create overnight. I would be lost without my life partner, and all of the great things that she brings to our world.
Like wine, relationships need time to ferment into something better, so you can taste all of the notes — not just the most exciting ones that hit your palette first.
Over time, you’ll also notice some spiciness, and maybe a hint of bitterness — which makes it all the more delicious to enjoy together.
(In comfort, of course.)
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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Photo credit: Renate Vanaga on Unsplash