Regina Cates once hated men for good reasons, but here is why they are now her closest friends in the world.
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I used to hate men. Maybe that is the stereotypical view men have about gay women, that we’re men haters, diesel dykes, or frustrated spinsters. But my reasons for starting out life hating men were valid.
I lost count how many males of all ages felt entitled to yell out, “Hey, Lesbo, all you need is a good fuck to straighten you out!”
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My father was a jerk, strutting and abusing his patriarchal power causing me, my sister, my mother and grandmother to cry. I was molested by a male babysitter at age eleven who threatened to “Cut my tits off,” if I told anyone. At seventeen I finally confessed to my parents I was gay. My dad coldly said,” You are a business risk.” He then sent me to a local physician who also molested me before helping lock me up in in a psychiatric hospital.
Raised in a strict God-fearing fundamentalist Christian church in the Southern part of the United States I was taught God is angry, and male. So winning the genetic lottery of being born a gay woman was basically a death sentence since in the eyes of everyone in my life I was already, at age five, in bed with the devil.
The hatred I endured in the name of God was heart-breaking and lonely. But my persecution was not isolated to church. I lost count how many males of all ages felt entitled to yell out, “Hey, Lesbo, all you need is a good fuck to straighten you out!” Or “What a waste.” Or “What the hell do you lesbians do without the goods,” while grabbing their crotch.
Yes, there was a time I hated men, for all the right reasons. Until I learned that all men are not misogynistic, redneck, Neanderthal beasts.
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My transformation from man hater to lover started when I went to work for a manufacturing plant. I was the only woman in a sea of testosterone. At first I was horribly uncomfortable expecting the guys to be the same jerks of my past. But over time as the men shared themselves with me I began to see a kinder, gentler, more respectful side of the male gender than I’d been exposed to. Within a few months I became one of the gang, their female mascot of sorts. For the first time in my life I felt genuinely accepted, and my heart began to open.
Then a big man and his little wife moved in next door to me. He was well over six feet tall, with hair to his waist, an artist who looked like a biker. Over time we began chatting. He was calm, collected, intelligent, and kind. But he was also strong and self-assured, not afraid to wear black nail polish or shave his legs for an upcoming bike race. He loved animals, melted when holding a baby, and was passionately devoted to his petite wife.
Regardless of the underlying reasons, I am proud to be gay woman who moved from hating the worst of the male gender to loving the best of them.
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During the next seven years he became my best friend. The marathon hours we spent talking and sharing slowly healed the hate and pain of my past. He was confidence and assured me that my being confident did not mean I was a bitch. In fact, he confirmed it was my strength and self-confidence that allowed me to survive what I experienced.
We laughed, cried, built things together, shared life and weathered many relationship storms. I learned true intimacy is bearing your soul to another and having that person hold your heart safe.
Today I have women friends but the special, deeper bond I have is with men. Maybe it is our strength and determination. Perhaps it is how we think alike to solve problems. Conceivably it’s the protector-bent to our personalities.
Maybe I feel at last I’ve found the father, brother, uncle figure I missed as a child. Possibly as a gay woman I understand men more deeply because I share their appreciation of women. It could be my male friends and I just get to the heart of the matter more quickly because we just get one another.
Regardless of the underlying reasons, I am proud to be gay woman who moved from hating the worst of the male gender to loving the best of them. I am proud to have men as my best friends.
Ms. Cates’s book is set to release in May 2014. Get more information about her journey of healing here.
Photo credit: Flicker Commons/Torbakhopper (alterations with permission)
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love this god im a 21 year old who hates men and insure of them im gonna cry
” Until I learned that all men are not misogynistic, redneck, Neanderthal beasts.” That sounds like the time I realized all women aren’t gold-diggers, lazy, narcissistic cunts.
Population Control.
Someone emailed me this story and it was inspiring. Amazing story of the triumph of the human spirit. Keep writing Regina. You are talented.
Regina has been a great rock for me! and that is an understatement in my heart. How do I tell you that I may not still be here without the love and compassion and guidance from Regina? I can tell you she believed in me when no one else did. Including me. She is a blessing to this crazy world we live in and I am so thankful!!!
Regina,
What an inspiring story – thank you for sharing in such a vulnerable and lovely way! It’s been a journey for me as well to redefine who I thought men were and I agree – they can be fantastic!!
Regina, I love this. It’s so inspiring to see how you overcame such pain, hurt and abuse and evolved into a stronger and even more loving person. God is really using you my friend, in such big ways.
Hi Regina! Caleb sent me this link and I loved your courageous and strong essay. Of course, knowing you by the way you have loved Caleb and Kameron and Avery and Austin, keeps you close to my heart. They all adore you. And I do, too. Your story is moving and so needed. I love my gay friends. There was a time in my life, a terribly tough time when I was alone and so lost, fearful and dejected, and the ones who affirmed and supported me, offered me endless help and care, were my gay friends. They took me… Read more »
Beautiful. I’ve been there. The next stage of growth is pretty hard, maybe the hardest: having compassion for men, even the men who hurt you. No excuses for them, no approval, no justification, nothing like that. But, perpetrators are often victims themselves. Men are not just confident, active, and acceptable. They are also wounded, abused, and twisted by unfair gender roles. Their total control over every situation and total control over women is an illusion. A really powerful illusion that a lot of people fall for, but still an illusion. I’m still working on this stage myself, by the way.… Read more »
What a terrific article. If I’d had the early experiences you had, I’d hate men, too! It’s wonderful to find out that the bad people we experience are not representative of a population. I’m pleased you found men in your life who, by their participation with you, provided you with deep friendships. What a treasure and blessing that is.
Regina, Your courage is inspiring and transformational. It has the power to heal hearts, save lives, and change the world. And to all the good men out there — you gotta check this woman out!
I can honestly say Regina’s kind words, love and support has a profound effect on my life. It’s my belief there are three kinds of help people get. There’s the kind of advice we all ask for. That’s kind of the easy, simple way to get help. Someone in need reaches out to someone else and hopefully get an empty hole filled with exactly what they need. It’s actually pretty easy for both parties involved. Then there’s unsolicited help. This is hit or miss. It usually brings up images of badgering parents or nosey friends and, well, doesn’t always end… Read more »
Hate is a waste of time and energy. Even if you despise someone, at some level it means that they are worthy of your attention when the opposite is true.
Lovely, Regina. It’s beautiful when the limits of form and societal conditioning begin to fall away, and real, genuine connection begins to take its place. Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your truth. I’m so grateful that I’ve had the chance to know you and experience the warmth of your friendship first hand.. Keep sharing, keep shining.
“But the special deeper bond I have is with men…” Great essay, Regina….My karate dojo people are a weird mix of uber-macho,rage-filled, and insult-spewing men/boys…and initially, I did not think I had anything in common with any of them…practicing karate with them was the tie that binds…you learn a lot of intimate things about people when you meet once or twice a week for martial arts…you practice violent moves on them and you have trust each other….sometimes I tell my karate partners things I don’t tell my husband…and it is very important to have a man’s perspective on things (even… Read more »
Love you, Regina! You’re a loving inspiration to all of us to be open, honest and true to our hearts!
What beautiful courage. Regina, I am proud to be your friend. Your friendship and support has most definitely made me a better man. I will always be grateful for that.
Beautiful story! It’s so inspiring to hear someone who’s been through so much finding her (or his) way out of bitterness and back to humanity. It’s hard enough for me to shake bitterness, and I really got nothing to complain about by comparison.
Maybe the time has come for man to live without a ‘wife’.
Both sexes can show both compassion and ignorance. Much is a protection/defensive posturing that may well warrant it. Kind of a shame but your thoughts are like a light at night.A good read even if you are heterosexual.