Dan Mahle on why he’s closing this chapter in his life.
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If you are a human being alive in the 21st century, chances are you have an opinion about porn.
Maybe you use it; maybe you don’t. Maybe you think it’s good; maybe you think it’s bad; maybe you think it’s none of my business. Fine. The bottom line is this:
“Four billion dollars a year is spent on video pornography in the United States, more than on football, baseball, and basketball. One in four internet users look at a pornography website in any given month. Men look at pornography online more than they look at any other subject. And 66% of 18–34-year-old men visit a pornographic site every month.” (Pamela Paul, “Pornified,” Times Books, 2005)Now, let’s be clear: Porn is not a monolithic phenomenon, and not all porn is created equal. There are porn videos that depict violent, non-consensual and abusive sexual acts… and there are videos that showcase loving, consensual sexual encounters. (And everything in-between).
Pornography represents a spectrum of human experience and curiosity, from ‘revenge porn’ to feminist porn; from rape porn to softcore ‘erotica;’ from humiliation, choking and besteality to sacred tantric instructional videos. The world of porn is as eclectic, terrifying, beautiful and diverse as humanity, itself.
And I want to be clear from the start: I’m not trying to convince you of anything. How (or if) you chose to interact with porn is entirely up to you. I also want to be clear that, although I know and love many people who identify as Christians, I am not a Christian and my perspectives are not rooted in any form of religious or anti-sex agenda.
I’m writing this piece because I believe we need more of us sharing our stories and experiences in order to create space for open and honest dialogue around a topic that is so often either culturally normalized & dismissed or relegated to internal secrecy and shame. Shaming ourselves (or anyone else) for watching porn is always counter-productive. It just fuels the cycle of addictive behavior that so often underpins pornography use. So, rather than barraging you with a bunch of stats about the problematic impacts of pornography, I’ll let Russell Brand lay it out — as only he can:
My Reasons for Quitting:
After a decade of porn use, I quit watching 2 years ago. It was February 14th, 2013. V-Day. Haven’t been back since. My reasons for quitting were pretty simple:
First, I was pissed off that my sense of personal ‘sexuality’ had been reduced to sitting alone in the dark in a disembodied daze drooling over pixelated fantasies of submissive females in a desperate attempt to feel a release from the tension in my body and the void in my heart. And — I was concerned about how my porn use had become compulsive. Second, I was outraged about all the sexual violence perpetrated by men on women and girls — and porn felt like the main way I was subconsciously contributing to that cycle of violence. (Yes, some men and boys are also victims of sexual abuse — often perpetrated by other men. But it is important to acknowledge that women and girls experience the vast majority of sexual violence). Finally, I’m an incredibly stubborn person who will do just about anything to follow through on what I commit to, even just to prove people wrong for doubting my resolve! And I made the commitment to a close buddy of mine: No porn for 1 year. Period.Starting off, I had no idea what to expect. At that time, I didn’t know anyone else who had quit. I had never even talked to my friends about porn. And I didn’t know a thing about the science of pornography addiction. Despite feeling alone, I knew I was up for the challenge: I wanted to see how my life might be different after a year without porn.
Rebooting My Brain:
Because most of us (younger guys) started watching high-speed, hard-core internet porn during our brain’s formative years — when we were 12-17 years old, we’ve experienced a kind of subtle trauma. One that often requires a conscious, prolonged effort to heal and recover from.
People often talk about two phases of recovery from pornography addiction: Rebooting and Rewiring. This video, from Reboot Nation, provides a pretty clear (and humorous) explanation:
Rebooting will look different for each of us, but the basic principle is the same:
You can find a great list of highly creative strategies for rebooting here.
Revealing the Façade:
Rebooting was the vital first step toward my recovery because it opened up space for me to step outside of the box of my addiction and objectively assess my compulsive behavior. Like recovering from any other addiction, the decision to quit had to start with me. Nobody could convince me to quit porn; I had to choose to quit because I wanted to.
For me, porn use was an attempt to meet my needs for sexual expression, connection & intimacy, and stress release. The first two needs never had a chance of being truly met through porn. And, although I sometimes achieved a temporary sense of stress release, in the end — it was a powerful deception. The feeling was always fleeting and counterproductive; it always resulted in greater tension and an even greater need for release the next time. But the truth is, I simply couldn’t see the reality of this cycle when I was in it.
Porn, ironically, inhibited me from actually getting my needs met in any kind of deep, connected, or sustained way. It kept me stuck in a never-ending cycle of ‘tension and release’ that made true intimacy impossible.There’s a real sense of grief for me in acknowledging all this – I feel like I’ve been living a pornographied lie; like my experience of my own ‘sexuality’ has often amounted to little more than a superficial obstruction, blocking the true essence of embodied sexual power that lay dormant within me.
It is clear that this pornographied facade of ‘sexuality’ must die in order for my true sexual power and deep capacity for intimacy to re-awaken.Rewiring for Intimacy:
What I found was that it was not enough for me to just quit porn, cold-turkey. I had to be strategic about cultivating new behaviors to take it’s place in my life – to fill the void – and I needed to practice healthier ways of meeting the very real needs that I thought porn was satisfying. To do this has meant re-discovering basic skills of breath, presence, and intimacy.
For me, the biggest new learning has been moving out of my head and into my body. After so much time in the ‘neck-up’ world of pixelated pornographic fantasy, I’m now beginning to learn how to drop into my heart, my belly, my breath.
Not that there’s anything wrong with fantasy — fantasy can be an exciting part of authentic sexual expression. But when I realized that my fantasies were no longer connected to my body, I knew something was out of balance.
Cultivating Embodied Presence:
For me, cultivating a truly embodied presence begins with building intimacy in relation to my own physical body. Loving myself. Only then can I extend that quality of presence outward to a partner. This is an on-going life practice, that I’m only just beginning to discover.
Over the past 2 years, I’ve experienced porn-induced erectile dysfunction, low sexual libido, and other sexual difficulties. I’ve also begun to experience re-awakened sensation and sensitivity, emotional self-connection, and a deeper capacity for intimacy and presence.I still have a lot of healing to do to rewire my brain after a decade of porn use, but the progress I’m seeing gives me hope. And the impacts of my decision to quit porn continue to ripple outward in many areas of my life.
Clearly, this journey I’m on is not just about quitting porn and overcoming addiction; it’s about creating the life I want. It’s about cultivating the skills to give and receive the love and intimacy that I long for. Ultimately, it’s about living a life of deep passion, purpose, and connection as a conscious, activated man — capable of bringing my unique gifts fully out into the world.
Outgrowing Pornography:
For me, quitting porn is about being willing to look, see, and speak the truth – to pull back the façade and find the courage to take actions that bring my behaviour into deeper alignment with what I value. Through this process, I’ve been restoring a sense of integrity, confidence, and self-love that had been dormant for far too long.
In his recent book, “To Be A Man: A Guide to True Masculine Power” (Sounds True, 2015), Robert Agustus Masters makes a case for outgrowing pornography.
He says: “Pornography is erotic imagination gone slumming — losing contact with true love, intimacy, and ecstacy — binding us to arousal rituals that obstruct our stepping into and embodying our full humanness.” He goes on to observe: “Men who are hooked on pornography have an enormous opportunity. The work they need to do to outgrow — not repress but outgrow — pornography is the very work that brings them into their full manhood and humanity, unhooking them not just from pornography, but also from much of their [sexual] conditioning.”It’s never too early (or too late) to outgrow pornography and create the life you want. Men and women all across the globe are quitting porn and rewiring for true intimacy. I invite you to join us, when you feel the time is right for you.
Moving Forward:
I want to live in a world of compassion, safety, freedom, and respect for all people. I want to see an end to sexual violence and abuse, sex trafficking, and exploitation. Enough is enough.
I want to see a whole movement of men rise up to confront this issue by first taking action in our own lives: Reconnecting to our bodies, grounding in our authentic power and sexuality, and re-awakening our capacity to give and receive the love that we long for.
I believe we each contribute to building a culture of love when we step outside of the cycle of addiction and into our authentic power as conscious men. Having the courage to quit is the first step.Though quitting porn is often a profoundly private and personal experience — requiring us to come face-to-face with ourselves in a series of quiet moments — we are not alone. We can find friends, counselors, and/or groups to support us along the way.
Today, we have the opportunity to join a global movement of people who are rebooting, rewiring, and outgrowing pornography.What do you have to lose? At the very least, it will be one of the most interesting ‘life-hacks’ you’ve ever tried. The question is, will you even recognise yourself on the other side…?
With fierce loving compassion,
Dan
Taking Action:
If you feel ready to explore living porn-free and you’re looking for others who share that intention, I invite you to join our free 30-Day Porn-Free Challenge.
Additional Resources:
- If you want to learn more about the impacts of porn, check out this website: Your Brain On Porn.
- If you want to take a deeper look at the research, explore this comprehensive recent study: “The Social Costs of Pornography – A Statement of Findings and Recommendations” by Mary Eberstadt and Mary Anne Layden.
- If you’re a teenager, or know one who may be struggling with this issue, be sure to tell them about Fight The New Drug. (This is actually a great resource for all ages).
- Check out this Indiegogo campaign to fund the first feature-length film documenting real people sharing about the impacts of porn: “Rewired: How Pornography Affects the Human Brain.”
- If you’re considering quitting porn, be sure to explore the excellent resources and forum discussions on the Reboot Nation website.
- Be sure to read my first post on pornography, first published over at Change From Within in 2014: One Man’s Journey: How I Stopped Watching Porn for 1 Year and Why I’m Not Going Back. Also posted at Yes! Magazine and published in their recent book, “Sustainable Happiness: Live Simply, Live Well, Make a Difference” (Berrett-Koehler Publishers, Inc. 2014).
For those who are undesirable, porn is a viable alternative. For those who wish to avoid being used and abused by women, porn is a godsend.
Shaun, the very idea that some men are “undesirable” is likely rooted in porn culture. Porn sites don’t just give us videos, they also give us messages about our inadequacy as men – your cock is too small, you’re too fat, etc. Don’t buy into that bullshit! This world is full of people who are looking for men who are in their hearts and in their bodies; men who don’t buy into culture of shame and objectification. And, as for needing to avoid being “used and abused by women”, I highly recommend that you seek some support (counseling, men’s work,… Read more »
Don’t buy into that bullshit! This world is full of people who are looking for men who are in their hearts and in their bodies; men who don’t buy into culture of shame and objectification. The issue is that after years of being deemed undesirable even before getting into porn. So its not like the guys watched porn and decided no one wanted them (although that may happen) its more like they realized no one wanted them and they turned to porn. Or that they watched porn, tried to meet people in real life, were turned down repeatedly, and then… Read more »
My wife is no longer interested in sex. Porn is all I have.
Well it’s good to know there are some people who aren’t wasting their precious time watching this filth. It really is a waste of time. Just imagine all the things you could be doing instead of watching porn. I wonder how many hours the average person actually watches it every week? Enough to warrant a new hobby. It’s not productive, it’s not good, and it’s plain disgusting, in fact. One could be learning a new skill, or hobby, or acquiring vast amount of knowledge and further better themselves.
Porn’s a pack of lies, guys.
Loves the article man. Respect to you for your two years. For some it’s easy to quit cold turkey as you stated you did. But I know many of my friends and even me for instance have gone from doing 30 day challenges to going back to old habits, even if we’re getting our sexual needs fulfilled. Any take on that and if you ran into anything like that ? I’m thinking on doing a post on this in my own blog. Thanks !
Ruben J. Author of NewDarkTriad.com
Hey Ruben,
The key to keeping with it, in my experience, was consciously planning and practicing new behaviors during the time that I used to watch porn. And also finding healthier ways to meet my very real human needs for sexual expression, intimacy, release, etc. Aside from that, I found it useful to declare my porn-free commitment to a dear friend and ask him to support me and hold me compassionately accountable to my goal. He agreed, and that accountability was really helpful. But, for more intense experiences, professional support may be the right place to start.
Hate to crash this love fest, but the supporting articles and sources for your addiction model are mostly nonsense – I do realize that there is a strong addiction to labelling behavior addictive, for varied reasons several that have to do with cottage industries. In brief, compulsion is not addiction.
On a secondary topic of social constructionism – an addictive fad that has swept the globe, there is a lovely article just below that all social construction addicts should read:
http://www.theory.org.uk/david/effects.htm
Elissa
This is 2015.
The studies this aricle refers to is old.
And this article is not written about porn.
I do not think it is of any imortance if we talk about problems porn cause as to be addiction or something else.
Porn is about so many things and if one person say he or she is addicted then who can invalidate that persons privat experience?
We can call it something else but it is still something unpleasant and problematic.
Jed – don’t discount how it’s also impacting young girls and women. They grow up in the same culture and they are having relationships with young boys and men where they are learning very firm ideas about what men think it is to be sexy as a woman. As a young teen, I wanted to live up to those expectations myself and I was willing to compromise what I truly wanted for it. I believed that to be femininne was to be sexually pleasing and not so much sexually pleased. I use to watch porn movies only because I wanted… Read more »
Erin
It is not too much to expect that a partner does not use porn.
I rather live the rest of my life as volontary celibat that to make love to a man that love porn and see no problem with the whole buiness and what it does societies all over the world.
In Denmark some now advocate that porn must be though in school to learn kids how to pick the good from the bad.
I rather see it vanish from the earth forever…..
Erin,
All good points. I’m writing a piece of my own talking about the need to focus on how porn affects the brain of both males and females. We have a lot yet to learn.
I’ll be interested in reading it!
Dan, Thanks for your personal sharing and a fine article. I’ve been writing about these issues for some time and would like to particularly recommend the site Your Brain on Porn, which offers good, non-judgmental information about how our brains react to this kind of hyper-arousal. I also recommend the IndieGoGo campaign to fund the documentary. I donated and its definitely worth checking out.
There’s a lot of money being made in creating porn for the masses, but not much available for taking a close look at how it impacts us all, particularly our young boys and men.
Wow, thank you.
To add to your great article, I have always stood against porn for the industry it creates — the actual actors themselves often being put into dangerous situations/exploited during a desperate time of their lives. Yes, there are exceptions, but a lot of the average, run of the mill pornography comes from a pretty grimy background that I don’t want to put my money behind (directly or indirectly).
Thanks for the article. All the best,
Thanks for sharing, Scotty, and thanks for taking a stand–
Dan, I understand this article is aimed at guys who have fallen into the habit of pornography, but I really must challenge how you’ve addressed the subject of sexual abuse. For me, I got entangled in the habit of consuming pornography BECAUSE I was trying to process the sexual abuse that happened to me, BY A WOMAN. (My own mother. And anyone out there that would crack Momma’s boy jokes can step off.) Sure, I know the statistics. Sexual abuse by men to women is higher than sexual abuse to men generally, and men comprise the majority of abusers. But… Read more »
Thank you for sharing. I do not mean to diminish your experience of abuse in any way. Your pain is just as valid as anyone else’s. And abuse is always wrong, no matter who it comes from. Your story points to the complexity of this topic, and the layers of sexual wounding that often contribute to porn use / addiction. It’s not good or bad, it just is. I deeply respect your self-awareness in recognizing how your path to overcoming porn addiction and your survivor recovery are interwoven. I hope we can all begin to transform the pain we’ve experienced… Read more »
That last comment came from me, I was just using a different email address when I posted it–
No, I don’t think so. Not as much as I’d like, although a little. How do I articulate this– I got resources for porn and for matters of sexuality WAY before I found anyone who actually believed my experiences about abuse. In other words, treatment for symptoms were about the only thing available before treatment for root causes. And more often than not, addiction to pornography was treated more like a character defect than a symptom of much deeper problems. So those resources weren’t too much help, especially as so many were subjectively belief-centered rather than scientifically objective. Viewpoints were… Read more »
Dear brother,
Thank you for sharing. Apologies for my delayed reply – I had stopped tracking the comments some time ago. Your story is heartbreaking. And There are so many others who have been wounded in similar ways. I hope that the act of sharing your story, and – recently – understanding and accepting the truth of your own experience in a new way, will create more space for your healing process. Your story is a gift that has the potential to help many others in their own struggles. Thank you for speaking up.
Dan
Beautiful!
Thanks, Silke–
I can’t thank you enough. This is so refreshing and encouraging. Your work is changing lives.
Thank you, Gena, I appreciate it–
Great, brave, awesome work.
Thanks, Joanna–