When Courtney Brame was diagnosed with HSV-2 (primarily genital herpes), they had a hard time finding resources to navigate the emotional and social aspects of the disease. After five years of research and soul-searching, Brame founded the show Something Positive for Positive People. Brame and their show guests help others with a sexually transmitted disease, especially HIV and herpes, to have a sense of community as well as access to resources.
Good Men Project: Courtney, thank you for agreeing to share your story with our readers. Before we start, what are your pronouns and how would you like us to address you?
Courtney Brame: Thanks for asking, I’ll take he/him or they/them.
GMP: By day, you’ve been a personal trainer and a marketing professional. After hours, you’ve become something of a media superhero by way of your podcast Something Positive for Positive People. You are a young Black man who was diagnosed with herpes, after which, you became aware of the need for the emotional support of people diagnosed with sexually transmitted infections (STIs). Tell the Good Men Project readers how you came to put yourself out there about having herpes and why you made the decision you made.
CB: I don’t know about YOUNG, given my bedtime is 9 p.m.! I launched the podcast in the Spring of 2017 as a way to share several people’s stories and also help people through my personal experience. However, I maintained an online double life for maybe 9 months because I was worried about what clients at the gym would think if they knew their personal trainer had herpes. Thanks, stigma. Ashley Lisenby, a reporter writing for St. Louis Post-Dispatch interviewed me for a story that discussed my podcast and my positive status. Of course, I was terrified.
It turns out, I had nothing to worry about. After the article was published, I received texts and positive feedback from my clients and my community. This confirmed that I had chosen the right path. Today, I am a spokesperson for the Dating.com Group and the campaign #WeNeedAButton. I am often quoted talking about my experience living a full life with Herpes and some of the challenges faced by black men when they contract an STI.
The fact that there was no negativity really made it easy for me to stop intentionally keeping my identity as a personal trainer separate from the herpes positive podcaster and a spokesperson for Dating.com Group that helps positive people date.
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GMP: Before you started your show, what was it like to be a Black man with a herpes diagnosis? How has your health—specifically your mental health—changed since you’ve been doing your show?
CB: I’ve actually shared my story extensively in a piece I wrote for WAX Oh! about owning yourself even when it’s hard. [Read that article here.] Being a black man in America is challenging for reasons we see in the media every day. Add to that mix an STI, which does not make things easy. The pressure for most men to be hyper-masculine is immense and this is especially true in black culture and our community. I wanted to live a whole life and open life. For that, there weren’t a lot of role models I could follow. So, I just figured it out as I went along, with the support of my community.
When I was diagnosed with herpes after just finishing college and starting my career, and as a black man, I realized that with my positive results meant I would be facing an additional hurdle in life. As someone who has been coached my entire life, I quickly realized that I desperately needed that “coach” in my life. That’s when I found “The Jordan Harbinger Show” which became a guiding light and the coach I was searching for. Having this resource expanded my perspective: Who we choose to be, I have found, comes from examining our behaviors, beliefs, and emotions. I learned to use my mind to objectively take inventory of my experiences. I was able to look at what I needed to work on and begin to seek knowledge on how to do so.
That’s when I realized that I could become a coach for others. This is a driving force behind my podcast and the articles I write for WaxOh.com, in my role as a spokesperson for Dating.com Group. I hope to be a role model that people seek out when they don’t know where else to turn. In addition to my articles, Waxoh.com is a treasure trove of information and general lifestyle guide for anyone who is living with an STI. I wish it existed when I was diagnosed.
GMP: You’re based in St. Louis (or is it Ferguson?), Missouri, which I’ve learned from your previous interviews is the STI (sexually transmitted infection) capital of the world. How did it earn such a rating?
CB: I grew up in Ferguson MO. At one point, St. Louis was labeled the STI capital of the world. I did an interview with the St. Louis County Department of Public Health and something that came up is the number of cases where people are re-infecting themselves. There’s a story here that isn’t being told. People are sharing their rounds of STI treatment, not completing them, missing symptoms, afraid of getting tested and seeking alternative ways of dealing with their diagnosis that doesn’t involve the possibility of others finding out. The sex education we received growing up in Missouri was shame-based. As a teen, you’re told not to have sex because you’ll get an STI or have a child. The only way to combat the shame is with the truth. When you bring honest, accurate, consistent messaging to sex education and you raise a generation that normalizes conversations around consent, pleasure, getting tested, taking precautionary measures, and you have a generation of risk-aware adults who, when diagnosed with a positive STI, understand the importance of finishing your medication, not sharing your medication and following up for testing, then making it part of your routine in between partners or quarterly or as much as it’s needed so that if something comes up, we’re able to catch it early and treat it.
We also seldom talk about discrimination in the doctor’s office. Being seen as reckless for contracting an STI. We’ve launched a campaign called #WeNeedAButton by Dating.com Group. The main focus of this campaign is to remove discrimination in the doctor’s office. Where people with STIs can receive the care and prescriptions they need without shame or stigma.
GMP: Your show, Something Positive for Positive People refers to those who are HIV positive and those who tested positive for herpes. I love the name of your show. Tell us, what was your line of thinking in naming or branding it, and how has it been received since you started more than 100 episodes ago?
CB: It actually came from something I mentioned in my first recording as I was considering doing the show. With so many people who tested positive expressing that they considered suicide after their diagnosis, I realized just how negative emotions were operating through people. I just wanted to create “something positive for positive people” so they can see that it’ll be okay after their diagnosis. It was received well by people with STIs well because it was a safe place for them to get the experiences of others living with herpes or HIV without fear of someone seeing the words in the title. My interviews are also published on WaxOH.com, a Dating.com Group news magazine, which has a lot of resources for people living and meeting people with STIs. We deeply believe in body positivity, sex positivity and gender positivity and the content there reflects that and create this safe space for people to get information.
Anonymity is important to this community. I know how hard it is to even search for resources so soon after a positive diagnosis, so when you find something, you want to feel your secret is safe while you explore the information.
GMP: What kinds of community resources are available to people who have a positive diagnosis for an STI, especially herpes and HIV, which have life-long consequences.
CB: WaxOH! By Dating.com Group is a fantastic outlet It’s a great resource for anyone navigating an STI diagnosis, looking for dating tips and how to share your experiences. We have interviews with others living with STIs, excellent articles and reporting by the country’s top sex writers and videos by HIV activities. Another set of resources includes all these people on social media – Josh Robbins, Zachary Zane, Slutty Girl Problems, Sophie Saint Thomas, and me!
GMP: What happens to a person emotionally, socially, and maybe psychologically when they are open about having a positive diagnosis for herpes?
CB: Emotionally, I think a person’s identity becomes challenged based on what they believed about herpes prior to their diagnosis. For many of us, our identities are so intertwined with our sexuality that an STI diagnosis “damages” our sexuality thus damaging who we are. From a social perspective, I think many either don’t know who we are anymore or we choose to isolate to protect others. I think many do this thinking it will protect us from the pain of rejection but the reality is that we reject ourselves far more often than others would. We feel safer when no one knows our status because it’s assumed that people will judge us or reject us, so we just isolate ourselves.
Once a person chooses to open up about a positive herpes diagnosis you begin to really see who’s got your back and you’ll soon find a community that is there for you in ways you never imagined. Odds are your friends will be supportive and confirm for you that nothing has changed in terms of how they feel about you. Connect with some of the new people that will surely be reaching out to you online to share their stories. When you open up about having herpes, you not only find a community, you become a gateway to community and support for others as well.
GMP: What about physical intimacy for a positive person? What changes and what doesn’t need to change in a person’s intimate relationships once they’ve been diagnosed? Are there resources to help people navigate the dating world when positive? Do you recommend that a positive person be transparent with prospective partners? If so, how do you suggest they go about it?
CB: Having herpes made me take a long look at who I was selecting as sexual partners. I moved beyond physical attraction and looked at if this person was knowledgeable about sexual health, safe to disclose to, do they have integrity, do we have similar intentions with one another, what are our common interests. The deeper and more meaningful things. Having herpes made me operate from a place of integrity, communicating transparently, remaining consistent and also seeking maturity in partners. Personally, being open about having herpes makes the conversation much easier because oftentimes someone I choose to pursue is already aware of my status and it’s just a matter of discussing our intentions and safety along with exchanging STI statuses should we decide to move forward.
WAXOH shares a ton of information on disclosing HSV to partners. I am an advocate for disclosure. Without full disclosure, you remove an element of consent. I have a strong attraction for sex-positive partners. We can find ourselves in a position to be in the middle of disclosure prior to even knowing how we ourselves feel about having herpes. Episode 99 of Something Positive for Positive People features the Executive Director of Sex-Positive Portland, Dr. Evelin Dacker who serves as a great resource for disclosing your STI status to a partner.
GMP: What else would you like our readers to know about you and your work?
CB: I’d like people to know that while SPFPP began as a suicide prevention resource and has evolved into a safe supportive space centered around sex positivity, all these stories are ones of adversity. Across the platforms that I am active on, WaxOH!, the podcast, and anywhere else, my goal is to use these stories to serve stigmatized groups who’ve experienced trauma and want to resolve their shame by supporting them with therapy, support, and community via our nonprofit by the same name. I envision a network of therapists I can refer podcast listeners and WaxOH! Readers who are ready to begin their healing process. We equip stigmatized individuals with the tools and resources to navigate stigma and shame in order to navigate their healing process as they’re ready to do so.
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Connect with Courtney Brame here:
https://twitter.com/datingpositives
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Photo credit: Courtney Brame
