Smart Sex, Smart Love: The Eroticism of Cuckolding
I’ve spoken in past blogs about straight men having gay sex, what it means and doesn’t mean about a man’s sexual orientation, how getting paid for engaging in it becomes eroticized, etc. As part of this series, today I want to address a very popular subset of straight men having sex with other men: Cuckolding. This is an old term. In centuries past, a cuckold was a man who was publicly humiliated because he couldn’t satisfy his wife sexually, and had to endure another man stepping in to please her. Today, it has taken on a different meaning: couples experimenting with bringing another man into their sex life, called a “bull,” who usually has a larger penis or more sexual stamina than the husband or partner.
Cuckolding is becoming increasingly popular. I often hear about it in my office, and it is prominent of dozens of porn sites. On my website, www.straightguise.com, for instance, the page on cuckolding gets more late night hits than any other. I’ve found that many straight men enjoy either the fantasy or the reality of their wives having sex with other men. They will participate in varying degrees, such as being made to arouse the bull and/or the wife before the sex takes place, and then cleaning both up afterwards. Some couples, or men, prefer the cuckold to observe only on camera, or to be locked into a closet during the sex. Or he may be gagged, and masturbate while being forced to watch.
There are some important things to understand about this behavior. First, for the husband, humiliation is a major part of the turn on. Being forced to watch or participate in this adultery is highly erotic for him. Second, the wife and the bull also are turned on not only by the sex, but by humiliating the husband. Third, even though the husband may be made to use his mouth or hand to first arouse and then clean up the bull, it does not mean that he is gay. It is a whole different head space than gay eroticism. This is all role-play and fantasy. In fact, if the woman isn’t present, neither the bull or the cuckold can get excited. It’s the situation itself that is arousing.
Another take on this is called “hotwifing,” in which the husband is turned on by watching his wife, or even just knowing she is having sex with someone else. He may even participate in the sex, but again, this does not mean he is gay. What has become erotic for him is showing off his wife to another man, in a way partaking of their pleasure, especially if she is being pleased by better-endowed man. You can read more about this in David Ley’s book, Insatiable Wives, in which he interviews couples engaged in this lifestyle, and examines the psychological, social,biological, and evolutionary underpinnings of this behavior.
As taboo as such sexual practices are, I would not call any of it pathological, as it often has been labeled. Instead, cuckolding is simply “kink,” another way in the vast range of behavior that humans have discovered to become aroused sexually. I do want to emphasize, however, how important it is for couples who are thinking about experimenting with cuckolding to thoroughly talk about it beforehand, even with the guidance of a therapist, who can help them set proper boundaries and agreements. If not approached mindfully, these practices can quickly lead to bad things—jealousy, misunderstanding, and true humiliation—and instead of being fun, they can become a source of real pain and suffering.
One final note: Cuckolding is not limited to straight couples. It is becoming more common in the
gay community as well.
This video is about Why Straight Men have Sex with Men in which he enjoys a fantasy about eroticized cheating called “Cuckolding” and “Hotwifing”.
In this video I speak about this growing phenomenon which he dedicates an entire chapter to in my book, “Is My Husband Gay, Straight or Bi: A Guide for Women Concerned about their Men”.
In fact, the term has been around for centuries. Traditionally it was only applied to the husband of an adulterous wife. Today it means a lot more. These are straight men who enjoy fantasies of—or the reality of—their wives and girlfriends having sex with other men either in front of them, nearby or with their knowledge about when and where it occurs. They’re often sexually aroused by feeling humiliated that their wives are being pleased by another male whom they see as more potent and better endowed.
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