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Torrent Of Love
Shannon Carpenter, Lee’s Summit, MO
From Dads Behaving DADLY 2: 72 More Truths, Tears, and Triumphs of Modern Fatherhood Copyright © 2015 Motivational Press. Reprinted with permission. By Hogan Hilling and Al Watts.
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The house is quiet, unusual for my home. Normally it’s filled with screams, yells, dog barks and the sound that comes from Hot Wheels cars being chunked down the stairs. But it is 3 a.m., and no one is up to make any sounds.
That is a lie, and I know it. Not right now I don’t because I am dreaming I am an alien refugee that is stranded on a planet and forced to fight for the enjoyment of the overlords. Little do they know I am planning a rebellion. It is basically Space Spartacus. I like it. I am a hero.
“Daddy,” I hear softly.
“Daddy,” I hear again as the dream fades away and wakefulness comes to me. I open my eyes, and I see my eight-year-old daughter sitting on the edge of my bed. She is silhouetted by the open bedroom door she must have tiptoed through to get into my bed. I glance at my clock. It is 3 a.m. This dark shape I am looking at is either the creepy ghost kid from The Ring or my daughter.
“Daddy, I don’t feel good,” the almost-The Ring girl says.
I sit up in my bed. My nice cozy and warm bed. We have the flannel sheets on with a down comforter on top. It is warm and snuggly. My daughter is sitting on her knees at the foot of the warm and snuggly bed. When you don’t feel good, is there any better place to go to than your parents’ awesome snuggly and warm bed? Isn’t snuggling right into Dad’s hairy chest: the ultimate I Don’t Feel Good treatment? I think so.
She scoots closer.
“Daddy, I don’t feel good,” She says again.
I am about to comfort her and tell her it is going to be ok. My plan is to feel her head, because that always makes them feel better, give her a kiss, offer her some water and tuck her back into her bed. That usually does the trick. Was it a nightmare honey? Did you have a bad dream? Did you miss Space Spartacus?
I don’t get the chance.
Immediately she opens her mouth and out comes something that surely, at one point, came from Linda Blair in the Exorcist. The word that briefly pops into my head is “projectile.” Dear God, projectile.
With cat-like reflexes, I do the only thing I probably should not have done. I cup my hands together and try to catch it. Yup, I try to catch a tidal wave of puke. The girl from The Ring is puking. I am playing Yogi Berra trying to pull it down for a strike.
What happens next can actually be expressed in a mathematical equation. Or simple physics, really. The velocity of pea soup puke plus the volume of the puke (squared) multiplied by the natural incline of my hands equals a filthy glob of juiciness that hits me square in the mouth and nose.
I am awake now.
Which is good because of course she is not done. “The bathroom! The bathroom! THE BATHROOM!” I yell as she lets go again. She is leaning a bit forward now as she was starting to get out of our bed. So was I. This time the puke misses my hands, still cupped with puke in them, and hits me square in the chest and begins to trickle down my chest hair. She lets go again, and this one hits me in the stomach. We are making progress.
We both run to the bathroom. She is continuing to spew, and I am continuing, for some unknown reason, to hold a good amount of puke in my cupped hands. I don’t know why I am not dropping it. Honestly, at this point, it makes no difference. Habit? I don’t know. All I know is that we have got to make it to the master bathroom tub as soon as possible.
I could have gone to the sink, but I doubt that would contain it. No, this is tub puke. Every parent at some point will wonder how their child could have so much puke in them for such little people. But then, one day, you are covered in puke, and somehow that question no longer becomes relevant.
At this point my wife wakes up, very disoriented. “What’s going on? What’s happening?” she says. She is not Space Spartacus, that’s for sure. I call out to her from the bathroom and tell her that our daughter is sick, that she puked everywhere, that I could use an extra set of hands.
She walks into the bathroom and sees me. She is rubbing her eyes.
“There’s throw up on the dog,” she says.
The dog. The dog has throw up on him.
I am covered in puke, practically head to toe. And this is where I will let you know that I am also naked. Naked as the day I was born. Naked because sleeping naked is awesome. Getting puked on while naked is not awesome. And my wife is worried the dog has puke on him. I’ve seen the dog eat his own poop before. I am not worried about the dog. My wife is not really a morning person. Luckily, I am.
Shortly we get the shower running. Baths are taken, nakedness is covered up. Heads are felt, medicine is given, and I have washed throw up out of places that should not have throw up near them outside of a certain German film genre. An hour later, beds are remade, and sheets are washed. I should definitely start sleeping with clothes on during flu season.
My daughter is asleep, laying on my chest because that is where you go to feel better. That is where you go to stop worrying, to listen to stories, to forget about what makes you feel bad. It is where you get understanding and warmth. It is where Space Spartacus battles the evil overlords and their vile puke filled monstrosities. Dad’s furry bear-like chest, it is where you are safe.
And occasionally, it soaks up puke pretty well. Better than the dog.
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Shannon Carpenter is a strapping older gentleman who enjoys the occasional donut topped with chocolate. And sprinkles, yeah sprinkles. Sprinkles are the bomb. As an at-home dad for the last nine years, he vows to take all comers in the speed diaper changing challenge. Bring your A game. Read more of his adventures, with his three kids, at www.hossmanathome.com. Currently represented by The Kepner Agency.
Hogan Hilling is a nationally recognized and OPRAH approved author of 12 published books. Hilling has appeared on Oprah. He is the creator of the DADLY book series and the “#WeLoveDads” and “#WeLoveMoms” Campaigns, which he will launch in early 2018. He is also the owner of Dad Marketing, a first of its kind consultation firm on how to market to dads. He is also the founder of United We Parent. Hilling is also the author of the DADLY book series and first of its kind books. The first book is about marketing to dads “DADLY Dollar$” and two coffee table books that feature dads and moms. “DADLY Dads: Parents of the 21st Century” and “Amazing Moms: Parents of the 21st Century.” Hilling is the father of three children and lives in southern California.
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Originally published in Dads Behaving DADLY 2: 72 More Truths, Tears, and Triumphs of Modern Fatherhood Copyright © 2015 Motivational Press. Reprinted with permission.
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Photo credit: Getty Images
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