Male culture makes instilling healthy sexuality in our sons more difficult.
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I saw my first naked woman when I was 9, thanks to a kid named Jimmy, whose father had a collection of Playboy magazines under the bed. While his parents were at the grocery store, Jimmy yanked out a copy and with practiced ease flipped to the centerfold.
“Your mom has one of these,” he said, pointing between the legs of Miss August.
“No WAY!” I said, unwilling to accept that my mother could possibly have anything on her body that, in my mind anyway, looked like a piece of our cafeteria meatloaf. I left soon after, convinced that Jimmy had shown me a magazine of female freaks. When our class began studying the human reproductive system later that spring, Jimmy turned to me and winked when Mrs. Flunkem used her ruler to point out the vagina being projected onto the chalkboard.
“Your momma,” he mouthed.
Years later, that feeling of embarrassment was something I was determined to spare my own sons.
The truth is, women are much more aware of their bodies and sexuality, and at a much younger age, then men. The male culture communicates about sexuality in much the same way it does about sports: through stats and stories. Anything deeper than that, and the shoulder punching begins. However, it was important to me that my sons not only understand the physicality of reproduction and, unlike me, never find themselves shocked by a vagina, it was just as important that they understand sexuality is not a statistic or story to be told—it’s how we communicate love beyond our words.
*shoulder punch*
The process of helping my boys understand this began early, and by example. My wife and I are both affectionate people. We hold hands, hug each other, lay together on the couch and always kiss each other goodbye when we leave, and hello when we get home. Our boys see me expressing my love physically and verbally every day. They also see me do dishes, cook, fix the car and stack wood. I do everything I can to send the message that being affectionate takes many forms and isn’t a sign of weakness—unlike the primary message they get from movies, music and much of social media.
I want them to understand that their sexuality isn’t just about sex. It’s about communication, and having the confidence to express themselves through their words, actions, and intimacy.
Culturally, the idea that manliness means being in control is something that is constantly being reinforced: Men are the decision-makers. The action takers. The aggressors.
While I certainly want my sons to be capable of all of these things when necessary, I also want them to recognize when it’s not. That applies to everyday life as much as it does their sexuality and, ultimately, their relationships. The more they can step away from defining themselves and their sexuality in a stereotypical way, the more of their true selves they will be able to share with someone else.
I’m a volunteer firefighter and consider myself capable of handling most situations. At the same time, I recognize when my wife might have a better perspective. Especially when it’s a situation involving my sons and a new dent in the family car. On the surface, this dynamic might not seem to have much to do with the subject of developing a healthy sexuality. However, being able to recognize and accept your own faults and limitations is part of that willingness to share your true self — and ultimately true intimacy. Both are important ingredients to a healthy sense of self and sexuality.
My boys are now 16 and 17. As any parent will tell you, understanding what goes on in the minds of teenagers is sometimes like learning a foreign language. And by “foreign” I mean Martian. But whenever I see one of my sons walk ahead to open a door for their mom, or confide in us about something personal, I know that at least some of what I hope to instill in them has sunk in.
As fathers today, we have to compete with a lot more than Jimmy and his Playboy magazine when it comes to making sure our sons develop a healthy sense of their sexuality.
The best way to do that?
Be an example.
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Photo: unsplash
This piece first appeared on Ned’s Blog Humor at the Speed of Life.
I find it disturbing that pretty much every other writer on her continues to place blame on the male gender about, well anything. Really, ‘male culture’, what is that some new buzzword for demonization, is it a new of saying toxic masculinity? “The truth is, women are much more aware of their bodies and sexuality, and at a much younger age, then men.” Citation needed for that one if you’re basing that statement on the evidence that boys found a playboy ergo women are more aware of their bodies and sexuality. Then I guess I can refute that claim stating… Read more »
Hey Brandon — I appreciate you reading and taking the time to offer your counterpoints, and although I don’t necessarily agree with all of them, I think you raise a good point about “sexual storytelling” being a human cultural experience and not just a “guy thing.” I this piece, I chose to talk specifically about my sons, although I also have two daughetsr (15 and 21), who I often have the same worries about in terms have having a healthy sense of themselves which, to me, is really the foundation for developing a healthy sexuality. In today’s society, thanks to… Read more »
“Male culture makes instilling healthy sexuality in our sons more difficult.” Gessus guy, get a grip. That was boy culture, not man culture. You don’t even know what man culture is, let alone how it effects boys. The absolute worst thing we can do to our boys is, well, we are already doing it: raising them without male community, by women. Is it any mystery that, after 40 years of this, the situation we see with our boys is not the result? Is it any mystery that prior to the destruction of male community, the exile of fathers from the… Read more »
I have to say, DJ, that we definitely agree on the importance having a father — and males in general — in the lives of our sons, and that there is nothing that can take place of a good, strong male role model in a young man’s life. I also have to tell you, I grew up with an older stepbrother who was a Hell’s Angel. A lot of my early childhood was spent sitting on the curb between bikers, and those are some of my fondest memories. I was a regional chef for 10 years in hire-pressure kitchens throughout… Read more »
Yeah, I was a bit too spirited in that reply of mine. That comes mostly because men like yourself, myself are being blocked from the the one role that can make a difference. It was not directed at you, Ned, but the proverbial “you” that is us…if that makes sense.I honestly do not disagree with you. I’ve just read too much blame lately and not enough solution. its like the Lord of the flies out there, boys learning from boys, living in places we now call “no man’s land”, or “man deserts”…and no one seems to realize that the problem… Read more »
“..although you are talking gibberish here…” He isn’t talking ‘gibberish’. It’s a shame you feel so threatened by his point of view that you must put him down in this way and attempt to invalidate his perspective on this issue simply because you see things differently. “Want to fix our boys? Get society off our backs, push feminism back into the ocean, restore male community and put father’s back in touch with their kids…without anyone agenda or input as to what men should be.” I’m sorry but why does society need to get specifically off men’s backs? Are men suppose… Read more »
Very well said, Erin. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and perspective on this. As you mentioned, feminism — like any organized effort or belief system, from religion to unionization — has those who swing too far in one direction. But without question, it has been a crucial part of our evolution as a society. And the pendulum is still swininging as we continue to find our balance. In the meantime, as a parent with two boys and two girls — one of the most important things I can do is help my children develop the confidence and ability to have… Read more »
We don’t need advice on how to be men by girls as much as girls don’t need advice on how to be girls by men. These naturally come, that is, without interference from the other genders. Interference induces the wussification of men, which will make men unable to protect women, which should be the case, simply due to the fluctuating nature of the feminine energy and the stable nature of masculine energy. This is the wisdom behind the Arab, Greek and Roman social segregation of men from girls.
I realize that cultural differences will always play a role in defining sexuality in both genders within those societies. However, regardless of culture, I think the ability to empathize with the other gender is an important part of developing a healthy society independant of the need to dominate or control each other. I’m a firefighter, a husband and a father capable of protecting the lives of my family and others. Not because I feel superior or my masculinity, but because I value and empathize with the lives others.
If a man is so unaware of the ” male culture” so as to
miss the meaning of what is communicated in the article then they are so steeped in it themselves they cannot ” get ” it. It’s like being blue against a blue background , totally not seeing the self and lacking awareness of the context of the self. It’s so encouraging to read that men like Ned are finding fulfillment in relationship and are not only able and willing to articulate that but also endeavoring to pass on this growth to their sons.
Thanks, Joanne! I’m My intention here wasn’t to bash male culture, but simply point out that in today’s world it’s especially important for father’s to be an example on the value of communicating openly with the people we love, and that helping our sons understand that it’s not a weakness is the foundation of building a healthy sense of themselves and their sexuality. Thanks for “getting it” and sharing it.
Hi Salman Abukakr
What you write is interesting..
Can you tell us more,a lot more?