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One rule in business we see flying around everywhere today is that you need to position yourself as the expert. It’s an effective marketing strategy that many use to create an inbound leads ATM machine.
As a marketing consultant, I affirm it’s sound advice. I even help companies do exactly that. But as a father, it’s an entirely different story. Working with your children is very different from working with your clients. And you would do well to not confuse the two.
I didn’t always understand this. For years, I wanted to be the guru for everything in my kids’ lives. Nothing to do with ego, I just wanted my children to have a huge jump start in life and knew my advice could help. I was always giving them mini motivational speeches (aka lectures) about habits, mindset and attitude. It was some of my best material. If I had recorded them, I’d be a YouTube superstar.
I found out it is possible to talk for a full hour with your teenager without him hearing a single word of it (ask me how I know).
Deaf ears.
I thought giving my kids all the answers was the ultimate open-book quiz that would give them the edge on life. And why wouldn’t they want this? “Here are the rules. Here’s what you do. Just follow my lead and you’ll be rewarded with privileges beyond your wildest dreams,” said every naive father everywhere. Hey, Einstein, if all you have to do is tell your kids things and they’ll just learn them, the world would be full of sixth-grade geniuses.
It does sound like a no-brainer. But you have to remember the one you’re talking to is also a “no-brainer.” That doesn’t get fully formed until about 25.
For years, I’ve been giving my kids a special Christmas gift each year. I pick out a book that would help them learn more about something they are interested in. Inside the book, I place a bookmark that looks like a $20 bill on one side and the other an reward for reading the book: dinner and a real $20 bill.
In the many years of doing this with three kids (two were too young), I have only been taken up on my offer twice.
The truth is, I can provide the reward but the desire has to come from them. As well-intentioned as I was, I always wanted it more for my kids than they did. Here’s the lesson that has taken me years to learn: in some areas of their lives, they do not see me as the expert.
Why? I’m the goofy dad. We live together; they see my flaws, my insecurities, and bad habits. I’m constantly interacting with them about so much, talking about what’s important, decisions they’re facing, what they want to be when they grow up and more. It’s one of the most important roles in their lives. One of my sons told me he wants to be a professional soccer player. I played one season of soccer in 7th grade. Am I really qualified to give him advice on going pro? He sees me as a father, not an expert.
However, does this mean we cannot affect their lives or help them build good habits? Of course not. We may just have to go about it in a different manner than we do with adults. This is actually a very good thing.
Here are a few ideas to help put you on the right track:
First, your child must be ready to receive your advice. No matter how hard you try to “fix their problem,” if they’re not in a mental state to want the help, your amazing lecture is all for naught. They may even make good eye contact with you but it doesn’t matter. Their mind is elsewhere. And that’s the one domain you cannot penetrate without their permission.
Second, even when your child is “ready,” you may be better off not being the expert. Even if you are qualified, it may be best you don’t for several reasons. (A) It teaches your children how to seek out and find answers. (B) It shows them you are in their corner. You’re their advocate. (C) There’s a fantastic bond that happens when you discover and learn things together. (D) If your advice fails, you’re not the bad guy. You’re the mentor who’s beside them, helping them find the next solution.
Give them answers and you feed them for a day; they’ll be back tomorrow. Teach them how to find answers and you feed them for a lifetime.
Third, you’re off the hook. This is great news because it means you don’t have to know it all. For some things, you may have fantastic answers. And if they’ll listen, God bless them. But know your boundaries and don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. Your children will appreciate your honesty.
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Show true empathy throughout this process. Show them you truly care by being genuinely interested in helping them find their answers and try new things. If they fail, be on their side. Then turn the energy around by being curious with them. Wonder what’s next and engage their minds by asking them what they think they should do. Position yourself as a guide helping them find the answers.
As they get older, you cannot make your children do anything or think a certain way. You can’t make anyone, for that matter. But you can create an environment that helps make them want to. The best part is when it’s done right, they’ll think they arrived there on their own.
It’s not until 15 years later that they begin to realize you masterminded the whole thing. And it turns out, you are pretty smart after all.
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Photo credit: Getty Images