Here’s why there may be many, many women who look for men with E.D. as an intimate partner…
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See the author’s TEDx Talk on Creating Extraordinary Intimacy in a Shut Down World
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One of the more rewarding things my Partner Jacqueline and I do is speak to cancer survivors and their partners around the country about regaining intimacy in the face of their cancer. Last Wednesday evening I was speaking to such a group in the wonderful town of Blue Ash, Ohio. One of the men who showed up, about my age and suffering from impotence, shared that he pretty much has given up any hope of being with a woman for the rest of his life. His thinking was what woman would ever want to be with a man who “…couldn’t get it up.” You could see the pain of resignation on his face. A look that millions of men have when they struggle with this condition that seems to becoming increasingly prevalent. I half-joked that Jacqueline and I considered starting a dating site for men with E.D. because there were many women who would love to be their mate. And that’s when this meeting took an interesting turn…
World’s Greatest Lover
First, some back story, before we get to that unexpected twist that happened at the end of my talk. As a fully impotent cancer survivor with a female partner, we have been speaking to men, women and couples about sex, intimacy and relationships for years. Given that our own relationship fulfillment (emotional and sexual) continues to be beyond our most ardent dreams, we are always curious to see if other couples where the man has impotency are having a similar experience.
Here is what we have found. Every woman we have interviewed over the years who has been with a man with E.D. or full impotence –and who has not slipped into despair or victimhood, describes them as “The world’s greatest lovers!” Okay, I know, this sounds very self-serving given my condition, but stay with me and you will see why this response is not that unusual.
Perhaps this one very attractive woman in her mid-40’s said it best:
My boyfriend (at the time) had a temporary bout of E.D. and became the greatest and most considerate lover I’ve ever had. Then his function eventually returned and he became a ‘dick’ again, looking for other places to put it.
Which probably explains why he is an ex-boyfriend. Invariably, these women share how the impotent men in their lives tend to be far more considerate in the bedroom. This of course assumes the man hasn’t shamed himself into giving up on even having intimate relationships. This part is crucial, because impotence shame poisons the soil for any long-term intimate relationship regardless of how fertile it otherwise may be.
God Gave Men a Brain and a Penis…
In the immortal words of Robin Williams: “God gave men a brain and a penis but only enough blood to run one at a time.” Mention this to any heterosexual female and you will typically see an immediate wry smile and nod of agreement.
Let’s be real here. When most of us guys get hard, it needs attention, like right now. It is the way we are genetically wired to spread our seed far and wide and often as possible as part of the grand plan to propagate the species.
Unfortunately, this penile-centric approach to lovemaking does not always bode well for female partners. Especially those who are in their post-childbearing years and often require a great deal more “warm up” time than some men are willing to give. So, while the male partner is almost always able to achieve orgasmic release through penetrative sex, many women are not. This can leave them feeling a bit used and unfulfilled in the intimacy department.
Now men who have E.D. or full impotence, AND have come to terms that their condition has not defined or limited their sense of manhood, no longer feel the sense of urgency that accompanies an erection. This allows them to slow way down for their partner and please her in the way she wants. And in doing so, he reaps the greatest intimate reward ever –knowing that he can genuinely please her like no other.
Which brings us full circle to the end of my talk in Ohio…
After the talk an attractive woman in her early 50’s came up to me to speak in private. During the talk she had been very attentive but not willing to risk asking a question or make a comment. She said, in no uncertain terms and no kidding whatsoever, that we or someone absolutely needs to create that kind of dating site. That many women (I’m assuming she meant pre-and post-menopausal) would flock to it to find mates who would likely be very considerate lovers and life partners.
Granted, this exchange was entirely anecdotal as was the feedback from all the other women we interviewed about men with E.D. as lovers. However, she was so genuinely emphatic that it caused Jacqueline and I to wonder how many other women feel this way.
So, if you are a heterosexual woman of any adult age reading this, we would love to know your thoughts on this topic. And, any stories you are willing to share about what it is like to have a man with E.D. or impotence (and who is not feeling shame about it) as a lover.
Maybe, there is a place for this kind of dating site. If so, it could help millions of men find the love and fulfillment they seek and women find the partner they always dreamed of.
Please, don’t be shy, let us know by commenting here. Thank you.