How do you do right by your new girlfriend and your best friend when they happen to both be female?
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Listen, we get it. We’re your best friend and we know you better than you know yourself. You’re starting a new relationship. You have to figure out exactly what’s going to happen when the proverbial cat is out of the bag— your best friend is another female.
As soon as you know that your new relationship is going to go past a few cocktails or a roll in the sheets, you need to make a point to introduce your friend to your new girlfriend.
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It’s a tough balance. I mean one woman is enough. Now you have to figure out how to manage two? Take it from the girl whose guy best friend just royally failed at this, it’s not that hard. Well it isn’t if you’re willing to be honest. With her and yourself.
Follow these few steps for an easier “my best friend is a girl” induction process.
Disclose Her:
Your female best friend needs to be a part of your discovery conversations with your new girlfriend. Like this, “I have a dog, I live in an apartment in Queens, I work at a bakery, I have a son, and my best friend is a girl.” Yeah, we know that seems weird, and it’s probably going to be hard, but if you want to continue your friendship and your new relationship this is absolutely vital. Explain to your new girlfriend how you know your best friend, where you met, how long you’ve been friends. If you’ve ever been romantic disclose that information and where things are now. Be open about the importance of the relationship and how deep it goes. If your girl best friend is your first phone call on a bad day, if you spend hours together on a daily basis or if you’re going to respond to her texts while out on a date, your new girlfriend needs to know. Every detail. Let her ask any questions she has and kindly let her know your best friend is a non-negotiable. Then give her the time she needs to process the information.
Introduce Her:
As soon as you know that your new relationship is going to go past a few cocktails or a roll in the sheets, you need to make a point to introduce your friend to your new girlfriend. Spend a minute syncing everyone’s schedules. Meet somewhere casual. Help the conversation go smoothly by bringing up things that your new girlfriend and your best friend might have in common. If your friend is far away, introduce them online with a quick message or a skype chat. If you’re afraid your best friend will blow your cool guy rep [by telling all of your worst day ever stories], tell her what you do and don’t want shared. Also, realize that your best friend probably just wants your new girlfriend to love you as much as she does. She’ll probably say amazing things about you; like what a good catch you are.
Include Her:
Your schedule is about to change drastically. That’s pretty normal. We expect it. It should! We understand that you won’t be around for our regularly scheduled Bachelor and Beer night, or you won’t have hours to spend chatting. But every once in a while, try to include your best friend in your plans. You’re going to a bar with a group of mutual friends— great! Text her an invite. You’re taking your kids to the park— perfect. This lets your friend decide if she wants to join or if she feels like the third wheel. Is your friend far away? Share the things you’re doing and the places you’re going. Text us: Hey we’re at the game today. This hot dog is amazing! This also lets her know you’re thinking of her and want to include her in your new relationship. Remember, we’re happy for you. But we’re terrified that we’re about to be yesterday’s news.
80/20 Her:
The 80/20 rule works for so many things. Beer and water. Work and Rest. Bacon and Eggs [ bacon being the 80]. It also works when it comes to communicating with your best friend while in a new relationship. We know you want to give all of your hours to your new girlfriend but give us your minutes. Send us a text at a random time of the day like you used to. Don’t make us be the one to talk to you first. We don’t know when it’s safe to text you anymore. Keep telling us the same things about your life that you used to. Even if it means you’re saying it twice now. Help us know we’re still important to you by spending the time to tell us through your actions. Your silence will be incredibly hurtful to your best friend, so seriously 80/20 this one.
Connect Her:
It’s true. Not all girls get along. Your girl best friend is probably best friends with you because girls aren’t her favorite kind of friend. Your new girlfriend and your best friend may not get along, but you won’t know that until you try. You’re the connecting point between your best friend and your new girlfriend. Look for similarities between the girls you love the most. Talk about them. Give your friend a reason to like your new girlfriend. Make your girlfriend feel safe around your best friend. Our side eye goes away once we know she’s really into you. Spend time telling your girlfriend the fun things about your best friend and why she’s your person. Help the two special women in your life learn how to like each other. It might work. It might not. But it’s your job to build the bridge. That’s on you.
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See guys. It’s really not that bad. We know you’re trying to put your best foot forward. We are so happy for you! We really are. But when you don’t do these things, you dramatically reduce our value to you and to our friendship. We’re already worried you’re going to dump us now that you’ve got a new woman in your life. Don’t make us feel like that. Make us feel important and valued. Stand up for our friendship in the face of shade. Don’t spend an hour trying to figure out what to call us. We’re your best friend. That’s ok. You’re new girlfriend will get over it. And if not… then is she worth it in the first place?
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Photo: Getty Images
I disagree with 90% of this post. I think if a man wants to be successful at starting a new relationship that this requires time and energy separate from his female friend and that in order to be sensitive to his new lady’s needs, that he may want to gradually introduce his relationship with his female friend. Why would the new lady want to develop a relationship with a man who already pretty much in one?
I can imagine having a girl best friend leads to quite a lot of arguments for some couples 🙂
It can! That’s why it’s so important to be 100% honest with your new girlfriend. Tell her everything about your girl best friend to remove any mystery or confusion there may be.