Movies and television shows frequently show couples in the heat of battle suddenly ripping each other’s clothes off and having mind-blowing make up sex. But I have a question—when was the last time that happened in your marriage?
Yelling, name calling, and having your experience invalidated are not aphrodisiacs for most of us. In fact, they tend to create distance and distrust with your partner. Not the turn-on you may be hoping for.
So, I was not the least bit surprised to read about research showing higher conflict resolution quality was “connected to greater sexual satisfaction” for both husbands and wives. To quote Homer Simpson, “DOH!”
What was interesting about this research was that it showed that husbands who had better abilities to forgive also reported higher sexual satisfaction. As expected, those men with lower levels of forgiveness ability experienced lower than average sexual satisfaction. Interestingly, the wife’s ability to forgive had no significant impact on her sexual satisfaction.
I wonder if forgiving on the part of the husband is an indicator that the wife feels heard, validated, and accepted. All good things if you want her to be open to your advances.
(I’m also curious if men feeling forgiven isn’t as important to their interest in sex. If you have thoughts on that, I would love to hear them.)
The key to better sex apparently is GOOD conflict resolution skills. Are you surprised?
A better question–how good are you at resolving conflict in your marriage? Please note that avoiding conflict is not the same thing as resolving it.
The truth of the matter is that any two people will disagree about something. You and your wife are no different. But how you address it can make a world of difference to your marriage.
You may not even understand why your wife sees something as a problem. You may be tempted to dismiss her or minimize her concerns. This course won’t resolve the conflict, only send it underground. And a resentful wife is not conducive to great sex—or much sex at all.
Because if there are problems in your marriage outside of the bedroom, they will most likely spill over into it. Again, not rocket science. And the answer doesn’t have to be either.
So, if you’d like more, and better, sex, what can you do to improve your ability to resolve conflict?
Previously Published on foundationscoachingnc.com and is republished on Medium.