Dealing With Cancer as a Single Woman

I first got cancer when I was in my 30s, back in 2004. At the time I was married and also went to a very supportive church. Also, both of my parents were alive at the time. While they didn’t live close by, I could call them for support.

About 5 years ago, my husband and I divorced.

Then, in April of 2021, I was diagnosed with metastatic brain, liver, and lung cancer. I had surgery to remove a lemon-sized lump from my brain.

After the surgery, for almost a week, I could not bathe myself.

At the hospital, there were nurses to help. But at home… I only had my mother. She is wonderful and emotionally supportive, but she is elderly and physically would have had a hard time helping me shower.

I was terrified of going home, of having to care for everything myself, without a husband, and only a frail mother to help.

When the administrator came to see if I’d be ready to check out, I told them I needed at least an extra couple of days.

They weren’t happy about that, but I insisted. I pointed out that until I could shower myself, and walk without needing assistance, I could not be on my own. Finally, they conceded the point and let me stay the extra two days. By the end of that period, I could manage to balance well enough to walk from my front door to my bedroom and I could care for my physical needs.

Once I was home, I quickly learned that my fears were unwarranted.

My mother surprised me by stepping up to the plate far more than I thought she could.

While there are many things she cannot do, she pushed herself to do more. It actually made her happy — her baby girl needed her again, and she was able to help.

Then I discovered my church had scheduled meals to bring to me for my first two weeks at home. Since Mom is a vegetarian, most of the meals were ones she could share with me.

My friends were amazingly supportive.

I was surprised at how glad they, and my neighbors, were to help out. I hadn’t anticipated it.

My cousin, who lives in another state, flew in with his partner to make sure I had everything I needed. His kindness touched my heart in a deep way.

While I have sometimes been overwhelmed and often had periods of fear, sadness, or anxiety, I’ve also felt really grateful. Thanks to the people in my life I have been able to get through this experience.

It reminds me of something that happened decades ago when I was in graduate school.

A friend of mine got cancer. He was only in his 20s, and so was I. I didn’t understand what he was going through, but I knew I wanted to help. I asked if he needed me to take him to appointments. He told me he had that covered, but he wanted me to take him out to lunch at his favorite place.

I remember helping him in and out of my car. He was so weak.

Yet he enjoyed that lunch very much. He told me it gave him a feeling of normalcy that he needed.

Now, I understand what he meant, and, looking back, I am glad I could be there for him.

I also know, talking to friends, that being married does not mean you’ll have someone to help you.

It’s what marriage should be about. It’s what my mother did for my father after he had a heart attack. But it doesn’t always happen.

I have a dear friend whose best friend was diagnosed with cancer. Her husband has, frankly, been an a**. He told her he didn’t like to see her bald, so she wears a wig even though she hates it as it’s uncomfortable for her.

When my friend went to visit her she remembers telling her to remove the wig and to make herself comfortable. She was surprised at how little support this lady was receiving from her husband and the rest of the family.

It made me sad.

Cancer is a horrible thing but having to deal with it when you feel you are fighting it alone is even worse.

I’ve learned from this experience that being single doesn’t mean you fight alone and being married does not automatically give you a partner. I’ve also learned that small gestures sometimes really do mean a lot.

I am fighting stage IV cancer. If you can help with medical bills, I would really appreciate it. Or if you enjoy my writing and would like to buy me a cup of coffee, that’s great too. Maybe someday I can return the favor.

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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

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